Bachelor Recap, Episode 4

I don't remember the last time I was this excited for an episode. Last week I said I was on Team Olivia, so let me clarify why. The chick is a gold mine for disaster. She's in every single one of the girls' heads and leads them to produce quality entertainment. Also, this episode takes place in Las Vegas, because nothing says "forever love" quite like Vegas. Ben disagrees, saying, "People do find love in Vegas, and the opportunities are endless." Actually, the opportunities end when ABC's budget dries up.

For this recap, we're listing the best moments of the episode followed by Olivia's reaction.

1. JoJo gets the first one-on-one date. I'm a big fan of hers, because Texas Forever. A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and Jojo, blows a table over, and then they make out behind it for everyone to see. Savage move.

Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship, which she says ended five months ago. Since I know when auditions started, this chick was still in a relationship when she applied. Scandal! She says it ended with "trust issues." Hmmm. Was it because he found out you applied to find a new boyfriend on reality TV? Their date ends with fireworks that the other girls can see. "Fireworks, those are so extravagant!" says the twin whose dream date is to ride every ride at Six Flags.

Olivia feels like Ben is her husband. They're on date four. Although she is "Zen with Ben," she feels like she's being cheated on. Are you not entertained?

2. Group Date! Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, and of course, Olivia. The girls put on a talent show, but the only thing that matters is that Olivia missed a HUGE opportunity to put on a Chubby Bunny Clinic. (If you haven't seen her mouth, go check out one of the 15 twitter accounts dedicated to it.) Instead, she opted to pop out of a cake looking like a whore, but not before telling us that nothing embarrasses her.

Afterwards Olivia has a full blown panic attack. She says, "He gave me a pity hug. He's looking for someone who looks like marriage material, and I don't feel like I looked like that." You mean a guy doesn't want to wife up the girl who just shimmied in lingerie in front of 2000 strangers?

3. At the cocktail party after the "talent show," Caila comes out of nowhere and makes out with Ben because she wants him to notice her. Some of you found this shocking, but let me remind you she has a hip tat. Ben calls her a "sex panther." How do I know Ben is zero fun? He's clearly never seen Anchorman to know that this is not a good thing.

Olivia is scared and doesn't know what happened between her and Ben. Something's missing and she needs to get it back.

4. Lauren B. gets the group date rose, because DUH. I can only imagine how pissed Caila is that her makeout didn't get her a rose. Ouch.  

Olivia says it hurts really badly to not get the group date rose.

5. Boring Becca and Ben date! He sends her a wedding dress, and they officiate for a couple getting married in Vegas. Said couple has a full arm sleeve tat and fedora...classic Vegas wedding. Talking about Becca, Jubilee says, "If she hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, it's probably not going to happen in 6 hours."

That chick will cut you.

I'm pretty sure at this point Olivia has popped more than the doctor recommended dose of Xanax.

6. Twin showdown! The twins' mom is their triplet. These two are 22 year old cocktail waitresses from Vegas, so I'm assuming their dad isn't around.

The twins are turning on each other, and it's fascinating. Emily says she needs Haley to go home. Then she throws Haley under the bus and tells Ben that Haley admitted she's had a hard time opening up to him. Mom and Ben have a chat, and then Ben tells Haley she's out! Emily is zero percent genuine in her sadness to leave her twin. But how can Haley go back to her job as "twin" if her "twin" gets to continue on her journey for reality tv love? One of life's biggest mysteries.

Is Olivia still alive at this point? I don't know.

7. Cocktail party. Ben's FINALLY got a drink. Some chick named Jen steals him first. Has she been here the whole time? I'm confused.

Olivia interrupts Ben and Mystery Jen, because she and Ben "need to progress." Olivia's version of Saban's process is progression, and I have bought in. BEN AND OLIVIA ARE BACK, YOU GUYS! (Her words, not mine).

8. SEE YA NEVER: Amber, which is sad because she finally did her hair and makeup, Haley, some chick named Jen or Jennifer not entirely sure, and Rachel. All I wanted was for her to hover board her unemployed self out. Was that really too much to ask?

Olivia gets the last rose, which she thinks is because he's "saving the best for last." HOW DO YOU ALL NOT LIKE THIS CHICK??

Next week they're going to Mexico. This season is like a white trash Bachelor road trip. I love it. Olivia might go home next week, which hurts my heart. Follow along @MattieLouOKTC. I'm debating getting on Periscope during commercials. Is that something that would interest y'all?