Last night’s Game 7 had as much suspense as a cobra fighting a mouse.
The Miami Heat took total control in the second quarter and from there it was pretty much a blowout.
So who ended up stealing the show?
Justin Bieber and the worst celebrity outfit in the history of NBA courtside seats.
Much to the chagrin of Bieber’s fans — who took to Twitter to harass me after I posted this picture — Bieber could not have looked worse.
Yep, it’s time for awkward fan photos starring Justin Bieber.
How do I love this outfit? Let me count the 19 ways.
Yes, this outfit really happened.
1. Bieber is wearing a leather shirt.
The last heterosexual man to pull off a leather shirt is…strike that, this has never happened in the history of heterosexuality.
2. There are three navel-length gold chains around his neck.
One of these appears to be a gold dogtag.
Would anyone be opposed to any soldier currently serving overseas choking Bieber to death with his gold dogtag chain?
Didn’t think so.
3. His legs appear to be crossed at the knee.
In case you were wondering, this removes any doubts, if there were still any, that Justin Bieber actually has a penis.
Or that his testicles have descended.
4. He is wearing sunglasses inside.
I’m sure there are other single act tests to determine if you’re an asshole, but it’s pretty much 100% accurate that if you aren’t blind and you wear sunglasses indoors, you’re an asshole.
5. His arms are different colors.
Justin Bieber only tans one side of the body at a time, y’all.
He’s Canadian, he has sensitive skin when it comes to the sun, eh.
6. The lipgloss.
My God, the lipgloss.
If you ever thought, does Justin Bieber have any real friends, the fact that he wore lipgloss to a basketball game removes all doubt.
No, Justin Bieber has no real friends.
7. Speaking of which, what would your friends have said to you if you showed for a basketball game wearing any single one of these articles of clothing?
They would have ridiculed you, right?
This is why friends are hugely important even if you become insanely famous and wealthy. If you surround yourself with sycophants eventually you end up courtside at an NBA game dressed like this. That’s because no one tells you the truth anymore, most of the people around you exist solely to ensure that they remain around you because otherwise what would they do for a living?
Get a real friend, Bieber.
8. Look at his face, is Bieber capable of growing facial hair?
Any, at all?
General rule to live by, if a grown man can’t grow facial hair, you can’t trust him.
9. Bieber stood in front of the mirror, smirked, probably did a spin, and thought, “What you got a billion could’ve never bought.”
Then he walked outside to meet his bodyguard without a finger.
10. He has the arms of an eight year old boy who has never lifted any object heavier than a cell phone in his life.
Look at those twigs, how is it possible that a 19 year old has arms like these?
It’s almost physically impossible.
11. Bieber picked the most ridiculous Miami Heat hat in the city.
Of course Bieber has previously been photographed in Lakers, Raptors, and Magic gear.
But, who cares? He’s a Heat fan, Baby!
12. Why are Bieber’s well-manicured eyebrows always pointing up?
He’s perpetually surprised by everything.
Including, the fact that he is wearing matching earrings.
13. Bieber has a sabre-tooth tiger tattoo on his left arm.
Amazingly, this is the best fashion decision he made.
14. If you had any faith in the future of our country, know this, 75 million American girls are dying to sleep with this guy.
And by “guy”, I mean “girl.”
16. There is a huge bodyguard standing behind Bieber who is missing a finger.
What happened to the finger?
Bieber has to be responsible, right?
Look at the bodyguard’s smirk here, you can almost see him thinking, “And this little bitch took my finger too.”
17. Is Bieber wearing spaceboots?
Can a straight man wear shoes that rise to the middle of his shin if they aren’t cowboy boots?
I don’t think so.
18. Are we certain that Bieber isn’t a lesbian?
I mean, really, Bieber might be the most famous lesbian since Bob Costas.
19. Is there any doubt that Bieber is Joffrey from Game of Thrones brought to life in our modern society?
In fact, I’m pretty confident that Bieber made the bodyguard cut off his own finger and then made Selena Gomez eat it.
Where’s a Bieber red wedding when we need it?