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Last night I read the Arkansas state police report which trumpets as fact that Captain Lance King did nothing improper in his treatment of Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino.
How do we know this is the case?
Because, evidently, everything that Captain King says is taken as the whole truth. You can read the entire “report” below, but everything in the report is just one person’s story. There is no corroboration of King’s statements, no other witness stories included, just Captain Lance King telling his side of the story and the Arkansas state police believing every word of it.
Even the parts that make no sense.
And there are lots of parts of this report that make no sense.
Even after this report’s release, remarkably, the entire process surrounding Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle accident still seems shady as hell.
In fact, after reading this report I’m even more convinced that Petrino expected the Arkansas police to cover up the incident than I was before I read the report.
But we begin with the conclusion of the report:
“It is noteworthy, based on the information contained within the narrative, that Captain King did not violate any State Police policy or state laws.”
Here’s another way to read that conclusion. “According to Captain King, Captain King did not violate any State Police policy or state laws.”
Wow, big surprise there.
So you’re telling me the police officer who is on Bobby Petrino’s security detail during football season didn’t admit to any personal wrongdoing on behalf of he or Petrino?
The biggest shocker of all is the this entire “investigation” was just Captain King telling his side of the story.
What was the point of this “investigation” again? I’ll tell you, so the idiots would think something was actually being resolved. The reality is, nothing was. This incident is as shady as it has been since April 1 when Petrino skidded his motorcycle in to a ditch.
Here are 13 things that jump out at me from the report. (All quotes are direct from the report and should be assumed to be Captain King’s story unless otherwise noted).
1. “This white female had blond hair and I think was dressed in jeans. She showed no sign of any injuries.”
This confirms that Jessica Dorrell is the female version of “Unbreakable.”
How is that Petrino looks like he’d been beaten to bloody pulp and Dorrell doesn’t show a single sign of injury?
This is just weird as hell.
2. Petrino changes hospitals.
What’s more, he changes hospitals to one that a captain in the Arkansas State Police has never heard of before.
This directly contradicts the fact that Petrino was unable to think clearly immediately after the accident.
If you’re thinking clearly enough to specify a particular hosptial and call your personal physician, you are thinking clearly enough to begin the process of a cover-up.
Which Petrino was clearly doing from the moment he found himself in a woodpile!!
3. Petrino blamed a “gust of wind” for the accident according to Captain King.
Later he blames the sun in his eyes.
Astute readers of OKTC are already aware of what really caused the accident.
Meet my unexpected crotch grab theory.
4. Coach Petrino wanted his wife and the police officer in the room during the x-ray.
Why does this matter?
Well, the easy joke is that Petrino wanted a cop to keep his wife from killing him.
But the more likely reason is because King and Petrino clearly have a close personal relationship.
Put it this way, how many of y’all would want a police officer that you didn’t know well in the room while you got an x-ray? Standing beside your wife?
This was a pretty deep relationship. Which is why I don’t buy the fact that Officer King claims he didn’t even know if he had the correct phone number.
5. Petrino then summons the police officer back to the hospital at nine that night.
Let’s go to the report:
“I also told him that a trooper would be coming by to ask him some questions about the accident. He asked if I would be with the trooper, and I told him if he wanted I could be. He asked me to please call first and I agreed.”
Petrino was already working on his cover-up just three hours after his accident. Injured and unable to think clearly, my ass.
Petrino wanted his buddy King there to help make sure the process went as smoothly as possible.
Why would a captain in the state police need to be there when a single vehicle accident was discussed?
Easy, to make sure which questions were asked and which weren’t.
6. Okay, pause for the weird story about the guy who picked up Petrino and his mistress, Dorrell, immediately after the accident.
Quoth the report:
“On 04/02/12, at approximately noon, I received a phone call from a man who identified himself as Benjamin Williams. Mr. Williams said that he was from Ozark, AR and he was one of the people who brought Coach Petrino to the hospital. He said that he had his wife drop him off en-route to Fayetteville at a store or restaurant because he couldn’t stand looking at Coach Petrino’s injuries. He also provided me the name of his girlfriend, Jody Diane Stewart, who was driving, and told me that that he hoped Coach Petrino and his lady friend were okay.”
So the person who picked up Petrino, Mr. Williams, was driving with his wife and girlfriend in the car at the same time? That had to be awkward. (Or a clear error by the infallible Captain King).
And this guy was so overcome by the site of Petrino’s injuries that he had to be dropped off “at a store or restaurant?”
I mean, this entire paragraph is completely unbelievable.
We have to learn more about Benjamin Williams, the two-timing ladies man who can’t stand the sight of a bloody face. He’s the one-armed man of the tale.
7. Petrino had plenty of time to get his story straight.
Not happy with the cover-up yet Petrino asked for even more details about his upcoming police interview.
Quoth his buddy King:
“He asked what the trooper would need and I told him the trooper would need his driver’s license, vehicle registration and insurance information. I told him the trooper would ask him specific questions about the accident such as direction of travel, what caused the crash and any passenger information. He asked if he could be interviewed the following day after he was released from the hospital. I said that would probably be fine and asked if 3:00 P.M. was all right.”
He’d now had over 24 hours to get his story straight and inquired multiple times about the particulars of the interview.
8. Now it gets even weirder.
“Coach Petrino asked if passenger information was required and I said that all we need to know is the passenger’s name and address. I told him that we had been getting phone calls from people who had said there was a passenger on the rear of the motorcycle and if we didn’t get a name, the report would state unidentified white female.”
Who is making these telephone calls?
Is it just the media?
If only four people — Williams, his wife, girlfriend, and Captain King — were actually there that day to see Petrino and Dorrell after the accident — where are the phone calls coming from? Who is talking about Petrino’s female passenger?
Whoever knows the truth is making the cover-up more difficult, suddenly claiming that there was no passenger is looking risky.
Petrino has now asked specifically about the passenger and whether her name will be included.
Even with an unreliable narrator, Captain King, at a minimum by asking again and again about the passenger’s name Petrino is placing hints that he’d prefer that name not be included.
9. The Arkansas State Police don’t trust Captain King’s objectivity.
How do we know this?
From the report:
“I telephoned my supervisor, Major Braunns, and he advised me to allow the troopers to interview Coach Petrino without my presence, and I agreed.”
If your surpervisor tells you something, your agreement doesn’t matter. Plus, King had already told Petrino he would be present for the interview. An interview, by the way, that would be conducted by one of Captain King’s junior officers.
So the Arkansas state police management team doesn’t trust King to be present during the interview, but they do trust him to tell the complete truth about all his interaction with Petrino from the moment he received a call about an accident on the side of the road?
10. In fact, by Tuesday at 9 in the morning, just 36 hours after the accident, Arkansas state police were already questioning the impartiality of Captain Lance King.
Why else would they call him in to debrief his superiors?
The truth about the passenger was out and it was time to tell Captain King that the cover-up was over.
11. Pause for unbelievable truth: There is a man whose real name is Lt. Colonel Tim K’Nuckles.
This might be the most remarkable real name I have ever seen.
The Arkansas state police needs to release an investigation on how the apostrophe name “K’Nuckles” came to exist.
How bad ass is this when he actually cracks his nuckles?
“That’s K — apostrophe — nuckles, bitch.”
12. Petrino was not interviewed by the police until 48 hours after the accident.
So how can he say he panicked and was trying to protect his family?
Was he amidst 48 straight hours of panic?
So panicked that he was able to set the table for a cover-up with his good buddy Captain King in the immediate moments after his accident? So panicked that he specifically inquired whether the passenger’s name had to be included in the police report multiple times over the ensuing 48 hours?
Already, Petrino apologists are attempting to claim this was an irrational lie that was motivated by fear and panic. The exact opposite is true.
This was a premeditated cover-up from the moment Petrino took his motorcycle in the ditch.
13. Captain King called Petrino before the accident report was released to the public to give him a head’s up.
Twenty minutes later Petrino told his superiors the truth.
It had now been 96 hours since the accident.
Four days of lies.
Why did Petrino finally tell the truth?
Petrino made the call because the cover-up wasn’t working.
But now the Arkansas state police wants to tell us that according to Captain Lance King that Captain Lance King behaved appropriately.
Welcome to the merry old land of the Ozarks, ladies and gentlemen, where the truth is whatever the Arkansas state police says the truth is.
It took 96 hours for the cover-up to fail.
That’s why the “truth” finally came out.
Bobby Petrino’s wild ride — this one is just for fun and all humor. Read it if you’re bored at work.
Legal issues surrounding Petrino’s standing at Arkansas.
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