Arkansas and Tennessee Drinking Game

The only way to watch Arkansas play at Tennessee is by being really drunk. 

Let's be honest, no one is really winning here -- if Tennessee wins they'll be 3-2 and if Arkansas wins they'll be 2-3. If I'd told either fan base that they would be 3-2 or 2-3 after a win in this game, both would have wanted to fight me and called me gay. That's just how it rolls when the Redneck Bowl comes to town. No matter what happens, it's still going to be a shitty year for both teams. 

The only thing great about this game is that Bret Bielema and Butch Jones both manage to look like the typical redneck from their respective states. The Tennessee redneck tends to be skinnier than its more western species, the Arkansas redneck. I don't know why this is since you would think meth and Coors Light would have the same impact in both states, but Arkansas rednecks are fleshier than Tennessee rednecks. Tennessee rednecks are more lean and skinny fat, the kind of guys who wear wife beaters and the wife beaters still sag on them while Arkansas rednecks are, well, Bielemas.

Anyway, let's get to drinking.

1. Drink every time you see Bret Bielema on the sideline and think, "My god he might die right now."

If Bielema actually dies during the game, finish your beer because Butch Jones will be the first coach to ever lose a game to a dead man. 

2. Whenever someone talks about Arkansas or Tennessee's youth, drink.

If the phrase "a year away," is used about either of these teams, finish your beer. Tennessee has been a year away in every season since 2002. 

3. Every time the camera catches Butch Jones with an angry, befuddled look on his face, drink.

Butch turns all red like the kid who couldn't read turned all red in your class when it was his turn to read and he couldn't read. (Note: I think it's more likely than not that Butch can read, but I wouldn't put a ton of money on it.) 

4. Butch Jones and Bret Bielema both have flattop haircuts.

What are the odds of that in 2015? It's like fucking "Predator" -- "I ain't got time to bleed, I have to lose." -- down there on the field. Drink for the flattop haircuts.   

5. Do a shot if Butch goes for two when he shouldn't go for two. 

If Butch had a sense of humor -- which he doesn't, humor requires intelligence -- he would go for two after the first touchdown in this game like Oregon used to do.

By the way, this would have been a total Derek Dooley move. Which is why I still love Derek Dooley for the pure entertainment value. 

6. Tennessee has very talented wide receivers, drink when they are praised for their downfield blocking.

I wish this was a joke. 

7. Whenever they show a Tennessee or Arkansas fan in the stands with a "What the fuck just happened?" look on his or her face, drink. 

If the fan has his hands on top of his head and his mouth agape -- aka the surrender cobra -- do a shot. 

8. I have no idea who is announcing this game, but they will be JP Sports at 11:30 in the morning kickoff awful.

Drink every time these announcers make a glaring mistake.

(Note: If Andre Ware is calling the game, I don't think you can listen to the sound at all.)

9. Did you know Arkansas and Tennessee both lose every close game they play?

Drink when the inevitable close call losses are shown or discussed.

If the phrase, "Tennessee is two plays away from being 4-0 is used," do a shot.

10. Arkansas's linemen are really big.

When the weight of the lineman or a graphic analyzing their weight is shown, drink.  

11. If any Tennessee coach is seen holding a play chart scream, "There's the chart!"

The first person to scream "There's the chart," gets to count to 26 -- the amount of points Tennessee had when they should have gone for two -- while everyone else drinks. 

12. When Clint Stoerner's fumble is shown everyone has to do a shot. 

Remember back when these two teams were both undefeated in November? Wasn't 1998 such a badass year? Ah, those were the days. 

13. When the announcers mention that Josh Dobbs is studying astrophysics or discuss his class schedule, drink. 

How can this be mentioned so many times and no one talks about his hair? Seriously, what is going on with this hair situation? Is it cut that way to better fit a space helmet on his head? I'm totally baffled. That's the kind of investigative reporting I want from my announcers.

14. Do a shot when the Joe Adams punt return against Tennessee is shown or mentioned. 

This was actually the high point of the Bobby Petrino era. 

15. The fact that Butch Jones is losing games with Jalen Hurd, human cyborg running back on his team, is pretty astounding.

When Jalen Hurd breaks off a huge run that gets called back for holding, drink. If it's a touchdown called back for holding, do a shot.     

16. Every time Butch Jones declines a penalty, everyone hold up your glasses, scream, "Analytics," and drink until the ball is snapped. 

If the ball is never snapped and the game isn't over, it means you passed out. 

Which is fine. 

You're the lucky one. 

...

And remember, no matter what, everyone rooting for Tennessee and Arkansas secretly feels just like this little girl.