Applauding Lainey Wilson’s Rump, Erin Andrews Gets Tattooed, Home Depot Girl, Worst NBA Foul Ever, Broncos Uniforms, Bra Shopping With Dierks Bentley, Drinking For Health And More

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Welcome to Nightcaps. The place where racoons, Lainey Wilson’s ass, Home Depot employees, Erin Andrews, healthy drinking and Steve Atwater converge. Hope you’re thirsty!

Relax, I’ll explain…

Yesterday morning I woke up and took a peek out of my front window, as I do every morning. To my surprise, a racoon was staring back at me. After changing my underwear, I tried to shoo the animal away. No luck. Next, I tried playing loud music through the window (per a Google suggestion). Again, no luck. Randy the racoon apparently enjoyed a 6:45 a.m. rendition of Enter Sandman quite a bit more than my neighbors.

After a few other failed Google suggestions and with the help of a neighbor (he must’ve been pro-Metallica), I finally got the thing to move. And, naturally, it went straight into my garage. If you’re wondering why I didn’t just shoot it, among the multiple reasons were:

  1. It wasn’t rabid, it was scared.
  2. My garage just so happens to connect to an entrance that leads to my basement where my wife runs a salon. Firing off a round into the garage as ladies prepare to get highlighted and blow dried isn’t ideal for retaining the clientele.

Fast forward about an hour and a half and there’s an unfamiliar rattle from garage. For once, it’s not my wife misjudging how much clearance she has and “gently” introducing her bumper to our staircase. Nope. It was the racoon succumbing to hunger and going after the apple and peanut butter that waited inside a live trap just a few feet away. Problem solved.

Racoon in my garage/courtesy of my iPhone.

From here, my unwanted guest was released to the woods. Here’s hoping he wasn’t too found of my gourmet breakfast of apples and peanut butter and won’t come back looking for more. If he does, he’ll be greeted by an invoice for Tuesday’s underwear.

Lainey Wilson’s Ass Is Appreciated

A raccoon’s eyes are unforgettable. So too is the ass of country music star Lainey Wilson. Bet you had no idea how I was going to transition from rodents to rumps. Right? Well, I’ve studied more asses than a proctologist, so consider it just another day at the office.

Anyway, Lainey’s ass has become something of folklore. Lainey could leave and 5 minutes later, her ass would still be making its way out the door – and that’s not a bad thing. Best of all, Lainey recognizes the assets she posses and leans into it. So much so that she took time out of a recent tour stop in Vancouver to celebrate a fan-made T-shirt praising her buns.

Lainey Wilson held up a “best ass in country music” shirt during a recent concert. Photo c/o @laineywilsonmusic Instagram.

Boyfriend Devlin “Duck” Hodges, a former Pittsburgh Steeler QB, replied to Wilson’s IG post with a simple: “I’d agreeeeee.” Yep, that’s six E’s – I checked.

Of course Miranda Lambert had to go all feminist during the moment of fun and reply with “Best Ass kicker in country music is what they meant to say.” Sigh. Can’t we just have some fun? Aww, poor Lainey has a nice ass. How’s she’s ever going to make it with fans fawning over her?

I’m team Duck here, if you couldn’t tell.

Lainey Wilson’s butt has caused quite a stir lately. Photo c/o @laineywilsonmusic Instagram.

Butt Wait, There’s More – Thanks To Erin Andrews

For better or worse (definitely better), backsides seem to be a good and popular spot on the female anatomy for some ink. That leads us to Fox Sports reporter/pocaster/Dancing With the Stars-er, Erin Andrews. No, EA didn’t get any ink on her rump – that we know of – but she did reveal that she recently got her first tattoo.

45-year-old Andrews told listeners of her Calm Down with Erin and Charissa podcast that she got some ink after a night of drinking (who hasn’t?). Her tattoo is on her wrist and apparently reads “THIS,” which is…interesting/weird/regretful/odd, you name it. Her ink was inspired by a toast amongst friends that said “to this and better.”

And just like that, a (bad?) tattoo was born.

Erin Andrews got some awfully small ink on her wrist. Photo c/o @calmdownpodcast Instagram.

To her credit, Erin Andrews told it like it is and even called her tattoo “a bad one.” Said Andrews: “We roll up to a tattoo parlor. I’ve never had one before. I don’t remember much…”

Been there…

And call me crazy, but I’m willing to overlook the bad tattoo.

Erin Andrews recently got a new “bad” tattoo, her first. (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for UP2U Gum).

If you’ve got a tattoo as bad or worse than Erin’s, send it my way: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on Twitter, @OhioAF.

Chad Johnson Names Best Trash Talker

Erin Andrews knows a thing or two about football, and so does the artist formerly known as Chad Ochocinco. Chad Johnson responded to a Tuesday tweet asking the retired receiver who the NFL’s best trash talker was during his playing days. Johnson responded solely with a picture.

For those of you that don’t recognize the player, it’s former cornerback Fred Smoot. Johnson’s pick for best trash talker played for the Redskins (yes, they were still the Redskins when he played for them, settle down) and Vikings throughout a career that spanned 129 games.

He briefly played against Deion when PrimeTime made his NFL return with the Ravens wearing the atrocious number 37. So I was thinking he’d be the pick, but alas, Smoot wins out. If there’s one thing Johnson knows, it’s talking…

Bad Grammar, Plenty Of Likes At Home Depot

Nobody’s talking trash about Home Depot this week. OK, maybe they are, but at least one orange apron-wearing employee seems to free from negativity (until now).

Home Depot employee, Ariana, posted a selfie to Twitter from within a Depot bathroom Friday with the following caption: “the one job [where] I get reminded I’m too pretty to work at.” Because the internet is a crazy place, the selfie went viral and has now been viewed more than 35 million times. Again, that’s 35 MILLION.

https://twitter.com/ariijosephine/status/1667272897801379841?s=20

She followed her own tweet up with two initial replies: “this is just my college job too (emoji) it has good benefits” and “I mix paint yall (emoji).”

Alright, nevermind the poor grammar in her initial post – for the too/to crowd- she’s apparently a college student so we’ll assume she’s not an English major and give her the benefit of the doubt.

She’s gone viral since the post and the New York Post reports that Shaq slid into her DMs to offer her encouragement. After doing so, he reportedly told Ariana: “Have a great day tell all your boyfriends I said hello lol.”

Just a hunch, but I don’t think she’ll be mixing maint much longer.

I Witnessed The Worst NBA Foul In History

Since we’re talking Shaq, let’s pivot to Hack-a-Shaq, or lack thereof. While watching the Nuggets take care of the Heat on Monday night I laid eyes on the worst foul call in NBA history. That’s not hyperbole. Listen, I know the NBA is famous for phantom calls, quick whistles and bending the knee to dramatic actors like LeBron and Kyle Lowry. But Monday night, on the game’s biggest stage, the NBA blew it.

Watch. Or maybe cover your eyes, I don’t know.

Miami’s Jimmy Butler, quite literally, kicked Denver’s Aaron Gordon in the nuts. Foul, right? Yes, sort of. The foul was called on the Nuggets for not providing Butler room to land. First of all, Butler had plenty of room to land. And, the only nuggets that touched Butler were the pair inside of Gordon’s shorts when they were informally introduced to Butler’s foot.

Given the score (86 -82 DEN), time (3:21 left) and situation (Game Five of the NBA Finals), this HAS to be the worst call in the history of the league. And it was reviewed and still confirmed!

Name a worse foul in NBA history. You can’t.

Speaking Of Denver, How Bout Them Broncos?

Since we’ve reached the Denver portion of Nightcaps, I have to tip my hat to the readers who came after me early and often following last Wednesday’s Nightcaps. If you didn’t read 1) how dare you. And 2) I listed the Top 3 NFL uniforms that are no longer worn:

  1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers creamsicles
  2. Houston Oilers baby blues
  3. Atlanta Falcons black Dirty Birds era

Though plenty of people were in agreement, four Nightcaps readers, and OutKick editor Matt Wiley, reached out to let me know that I should be tarred and feathered for not including the Broncos’ pre-1997 uniforms within my trio. I told them all the same thing, I debated between those fits and the Falcons’ for the third spot. I went back and forth with it and Atlanta won out. But the argument could be made for either. It’s a damn fine looking uniform and hopefully the fighting Elway’s will find a way to bring them back. Soon.

Steve Atwater (stud, by the way) likely agrees.

I told you we’d get to Steve Atwater. (Photo by Focus on Sport/Getty Images)

OK, quick – since we’re talking lists again and my Nightcaps teammates Zach Dean and Amber Harding have used there’s to discuss Top Kellogg’s cereals and eating said cereals from a naked body, let’s list away!

Top 5 NFL Safeties of the Atwater (’90s) era:

  1. Ronnie Lott
  2. Steve Atwater
  3. Eric Turner
  4. Darren Woodson
  5. LeRoy Butler

Let’s Go Bra Shopping!

How’d I go from football to bras you ask? Well, both actions encouraging you to cover your chest, so that’s a start. Anyway, country music star Dierks Bentley recently had the unenviable task of taking his teen daughter bra shopping.

As someone with a not-yet-teenage daughter, my stomach is knots even thinking about such a task.

But, Dierks bit the bullet and brought his daughter bra shopping during a night off. He documented the scene on his TikTok and it was about as awkward as you’d expect.

@dierksbentley night off from #cmafest #girldad #teenager #shopping ♬ original sound – dierksbentley

At one point, Bentley’s 14-year-old daughter Evalyn, points to some bras and asks her clearly-shook father “What are these?” Dierks follows that up by uncomfortably stating:  “Uh, I believe that’s a bra.” I feel your pain, Dierks.

Father and daughter continue browsing through the store with each piece of clothing more awkward than the next. Bentley’s face confirms as much. After more awkward exchanges, the 47-year-old musician finally waives the white flag and admits: “We need your mom here. Call mom.”

Stay strong brother, this war is only just beginning.

Keep Drinking – If You Want To Be Healthy

If the Dierks Bentley situation doesn’t drive all the girl dads to do so, here’s (another) excuse to drink. It’s good for your health! The Journal of the American College of Cardiology published a story, as noted by the NY Post, that says “light to moderate alcohol consumption can lead to a long-term reduction in the brain’s stress activity, ultimately lowering the risk of heart disease.”

The Journal’s report found that one alcoholic drink (for women) and two (for men) daily has been shown to reduce stress signaling in the brain. That lack of stress signaling directly relates with a lower risk of cardiovascular disease for light to moderate drinkers.

Screw the gym, let’s hit the bar!

There’s fancy words like “moderation” and “one” listed throughout the study, but my takeaway is that drinking is good for the heart. So, cheers to my fellow health-conscious hydraters out there!

via GIPHY

Joe Burrow’s No Swiftie

A bunch of Swiftie’s out there probably have some good tickets because of all the alcohol being consumed on Taylor Swift’s The Era’s Tour. And I don’t know if Bengals QB Joe Burrow drinks, but what we do know is that Joe Brrrr isn’t among the seemingly millions of Swifties filling stadiums across the globe.

Following an OTA practice, Burrow was asked about Swift’s upcoming concert from within the Bengals’ Paycor Stadium in Cincinnati. He admitted he’s not toe-tapping to any Swift songs but may make an appearance when the megastar hits the Queen City.

“I have a lot of respect for what Taylor Swift has done with her career,” Burrow told media members, per Cincy’s WLWT. “I can’t say that I’m listening to too much Taylor Swift on the speakers in the headphones.

“I know a lot of people that are, but that’s just not me. I’ve heard the tour is a lot of fun, though. Maybe I’ll stop by.”

Is It Quitting Time Yet?

Alright, it’s time to close shop for the day. My computer’s presented me with more problems today than the White House lawn so I’m going to get out of here and get a head start on my heart health. What do you say we do this again next Wednesday? In the meantime, here’s a few internet snacks to curb your appetite.

*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.

Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF 

Written by Anthony Farris

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