Anonymous Mailbag: Super Bowl Edition

So I spent the early part of today at Super Bowl media day asking Patriot and Seahawk players how much they liked “Game of Thrones.” I think the resulting video will be pretty good. Tons of players are huge fans. 

But I didn’t want to forsake those of you sitting in your offices waiting for the distraction of the anonymous mailbag today. Especially not when these first three stories were so hysterical. 

So here we go.

Anonymous writes:

“When I was growing up, we had two TV’s in the house. The main one in the family room, and one in my room. The reason it was in my room, was because my room doubled up as the office.

Anyways, my dad would always give up the family room TV if my mom wanted to watch some show, and he’d come into my room and hop onto my bed and watch TV. It was a great time to bond with my dad. He’d let me watch all the late night talk shows, Seinfeld reruns, King of Queens, etc. They were some of my fondest memories, getting to stay up late with dad and watch “his” shows.

One night when I was 13, and going to town on myself. The sheets and my pants were around my ankles, I had the door closed, and the light was off. I was thinking about a 16 year old neighbor I had a huge crush on, and completely in the zone. Anyways, I couldn’t hear my dad come to the room and open the door until it was too late. I had enough time to grab the sheet and bring them up, but not my shorts.

My dad didn’t see exactly what was going on, but he knew I was trying to cover something up. I should tell you, at this point my dad had suspected me of stealing alcohol from him (not sure why, I didn’t touch anything illicit until I was 18). So he thought I was trying to hide some booze under the sheets. He insisted I pull the sheets down and show him what I was hiding. I insisted not. So when I didn’t, he forcibly ripped the sheets off of me, exposing my 13 year old, hard as stone, dick. I’ll never forget the look on his face, shear horror. I’m sure my face was embarrassed as all hell.

Dad and I only watched TV together in the family room from that point forward.”

If you aren’t stifling tears of laughter right now you need to reconsider your life’s priorities. 

Anonymous writes:

“I had just discovered the young adolescent pastime of self-gratification. So I cannot emphasize enough how inexperienced I was at the time this story occurred…I came home after school and was watching TV with my mom in the downstairs living room. After a while my mom headed upstairs to start making dinner and I switched couches (where she had been sitting) to grab the remote. Naturally I flipped over to the afternoon showing of Baywatch. As I proceeded into my new favorite event I slid my jeans and underwear around my ankles as I laid on my back on the couch. A few minutes later I heard my mom coming down the stairs. Somehow I managed to flip the channel back to SportsCenter and grabbed the blanket on the back of the couch to cover myself up as I was unable to get my pants up past my knees in time. My mom entered the room and walked over to me and said “hey, I was using that blanket” and grabbed the blanket off of me. Her jaw dropped as she stared at her pre-teen son’s pants around his knees fully erect. She then dropped the blanket and headed up the stairs without words. An hour or so later I heard my name called for dinner. As I sheepishly headed up the stairs I saw something wonderful – a plate of food sitting at the top of the stairs. I grabbed it and proceeded back down to my safe haven. This event has never been spoke of again and I can’t help but wonder if my mom still thinks I was masturbating to SportsCenter…”

The real lesson from these first two incredible anonymous mailbag emails is that you should never, ever pull a blanket off a 12-16 year old boy’s lap. 

Anonymous writes:

“Let’s get the prerequisites out of the way. Your gay and Muslim. I know you’re really not, but I’m from Alabama and it’s the law.

When I was in college, I played in a bunch of (non-Patriot) softball leagues. One night a friend left his bat in the dugout when he left, so I stuck it in my bag. I called him the next day to let him know I had it and he said, “I just got out of class, but I’ll be home in about thirty minutes, so bring it by.” I told him that I was having lunch with my girlfriend and that we’d run by on the way home.

Like me and a lot of other people, he lived in a small, older house near campus. I’d been to get-togethers at his place several times and knew that he and his roommates never used the front door, so my girlfriend and I went to the back door and were getting ready to knock. That was until we noticed THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR that he was on the couch, no more than eight feet away from us, completely naked, polishing the dolphin to porn on the TV that we could clearly see and hear THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR.

We both (my girlfriend and I) froze for a good ten seconds. It was one of those situations where what was happening was plain as day, but so unexpected that your mind can’t fully process it. My girlfriend, who had been holding the bat, ran around the corner of the house and I followed close on her heels. About halfway up the driveway, she burst out laughing and dropped the bat. I hesitated for a second to pick it up, but by that time I was laughing hysterically, too. I thought, “fuck it”, and left the bat where it was. When we were driving away, we both saw him look out of one of the front windows.

We spent days trying to figure out exactly what had happened and why. He told us only 30 minutes earlier to come by at exactly the time that we showed up. The back door was wide open with only a screen door between him and us. One thing that threw a monkey wrench into our “analysis” was the fact that the dude was absolutely, 100% hung like a horse. I’ve seen my fair share of porn and he wasn’t all that far from John Holmes territory. She always contended that he wanted us to see him. I knew him fairly well and never got the feeling he was any kind of player or weirdo. What are your thoughts, Hobson?

For the record, neither of us ever mentioned what my girlfriend and I always referred to as “the bat incident” to him and he never brought it up to us.”

Based on this fact pattern, it had to be intentional. He probably assumed that your girlfriend would tell all her sorority sisters how big his dick was and they’d all want to hook up with him. Unfortunately for him you and your girlfriend kept quiet. 

Here’s a funnier thought, what are the odds that the guy who was on the couch is reading this story right now and has always wondered why you and your girlfriend never brought it up? Probably pretty decent, right? We have a ton of readers at Alabama. Odds are if you read Outkick that your friends are more likely to read it too. In fact, the day before the SEC title game — and I’m totally not making this up — several of the young Alabama coaches stopped on their way into the locker room and wanted to talk about how much they enjoyed reading the mailbag. So hi guys, thanks for losing to Ohio State and causing me to set an all-time Twitter record for one man being told to suck and/or eat a dick. 

Anonymous writes:

“Clay,

UK fan, who enjoys the hell out of you making fun of every fan base, even idiots of BBN. Recently engaged. Fiancee loves our dog more than she love me.

When my fiancee does let me get it in, is it acceptable to let the dog lay in the bed? She feels bad for having to put her in her kennel. I feel weirded out when I’m in the zone and I feel my dog licking my toes.

Please don’t judge.”

I understand your point. I’d probably prefer to have the dog in the kennel too. But it also limits any unscripted sex. There’s no more erotic foreplay than taking a dog by the collar and putting him in his kennel. Why can’t you just shut the door to the bedroom? Also, how long are you having sex? Is the dog really disadvantaged that much by being in his kennel for eight minutes — on a good day for you?

This also raises a more intriguing parenting question, at what age is a kid too old for you to have sex with him or her in the room? Every parent reading this right now has had sex when their baby was still sleeping in the crib in the bedroom. But what about when you’re on vacation and the kid sleeps in your hotel room? When is the kid too old to have sex with him there? I’d guess the dividing line is probably when a kid can stand and speak. Certainly you don’t want your kid’s first memory to be dad plowing mom doggy style.

This sounds like an incredibly awkward kindergarten story.

Teacher, with saccharine sweet voice: “And what’s your earliest memory Kaitlyn?”

Kaitlyn: “Probably when my dad tied up my mom and spanked her for being a naughty girl.”

Thanks for these great emails — I got a bunch more without even asking for them this week, enough that I’m pretty convinced the anonymous mailbag is going to be a success.

The rules of the Tuesday anonymous mailbag are simple — whatever you send me I swear to keep you anonymous and never reveal the source.

Email me at clay.travis@gmail.com 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.