Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. Okay, here we go.

“One of my buddies and his wife are going on a vacation later this year to Japan with another couple, his sister-in-law and future brother-in-law. One of the places they are visiting is renowned for their cultural hot springs. Upon booking at this resort he had to make a decision, PRIVATE hot springs or COMMUNITY hot springs.

Japanese tradition holds men and women are not allowed to be in the hot springs together AND here’s the catch: everyone is naked. So my buddy, thinking he doesn’t want to see thousands of Japanese penises at the community hot springs, chooses the private hot springs.

Here’s the dilemma, his private hot springs is booked with only one other dude, his future brother-in-law. 

So is it better to see one naked dude solo in the hot springs, your future brother-in-law, or a bunch of naked dudes?

The debate carried on for the entire week and our group is split, only the King Solomon of the internet can decide. Private naked hot springs with your in-law or community naked hot springs with strangers? Side bar: Is my buddy stereotyping going to represent every white American male with his penis size if he goes to the community hot springs in Japan?”

I don’t see this as a tough call — I think you go community hot springs.

You just make sure you’re having a good dick day and take your gigantic American penis and stand on the side of the pool and twirl your dick around like a lasso. I’m not even sure you ever bother getting in the hot springs at all. Just walk around twirling your dick like you have to catch a wayward steer at any moment.

Every now and then nod and say, “Konichiwa, bitches.”

Because I think you still have some World War II swagger to spare here in the community springs. Your dick is like a huge flashing metaphor saying, “I don’t need to drop another bomb, but I could.” It’s like every time I’ve been to France I’ve felt like the subtext of everything I say in the country is, “You know we saved your pussy asses from the Nazis after you surrendered.”

And I know the French people know it too. They know they’re pussies.

This is why I don’t care about the French attitudes with Americans, because we both know that without mine and your grandfathers and great-grandfathers that motherfucker would be speaking German.

Anyway, you have to go community spring. I don’t even think the nudity’s a big deal. It’s just infinitely more awkward to be in a hot spring naked with just one other dude than it is a bunch. What the hell do you do with one other dude in a hot spring?

I mean, you’re naked in some hot spring with one other dude and the two of you are just, what? Getting in splash fights? Seeing who can hold his breath the longest? Doing pool handstand contests? I don’t know what two grown naked men do in a hot spring all by themselves. It seems really boring and awkward.

If you told me right now I could go spend the day with a buddy naked in a hot spring — without alcohol — or work, I’d pick work.

“Many years ago I played rugby at Lehigh U and in the fall of my senior year we had an away game against Penn State.  I had a old station wagon, borrowed from my brother, so I was tasked with driving a bunch of the underclassmen up there on Friday night.

Of course during the trip we got pretty lubricated. 

On arrival in State College we needed to pee – urgently. Well, it was dark with light rain, and I didn’t know my way around campus.  After a few minutes of trying to find a suitable place to stop I decided that some bushes by a building was the only option. (I should mention that I was already on disciplinary probation for another drunken incident – story for another time – and couldn’t afford any more incidents since I would lose my ROTC scholarship.) Anyway, I pulled up to the bushes and we all piled out to water the plants.

Next thing we knew cops were everywhere. I hightailed it out of there, but a few freshmen got caught – eventually had to call their dads to bail them out. Turns out the bushes were on the backside of the police building and a couple of us were peeing on the police chief’s office. The cops were all at work late because it was also a home football game against West Virginia. Great start to a wild weekend.”

That’s the worst luck about where to pee outdoors I’ve heard at a football game.

This past Christmas I was down in Florida and peed outside standing on top of a fire ant hill. I looked down mid-pee and my entire leg was on fire. There were ants everywhere. I still have scars all over my lower leg and foot from these bites.

A lesser man would be dead.

“Hearing your take regarding Hugh Freeze’s overt religiousness being a sign he’s hiding something made me stand up and clap. I’m a pastor, and if you publish this I want to be anonymous because I don’t want to betray anyone’s confidentiality. The people I’ve encountered who are the loudest about this stuff are the ones who are trying WAYYY too hard and are overcompensating for some shady stuff. 

Guy who constantly talked about how awful porn is? Raging porn addiction. Guy who talked all kinds of shit about Bill Clinton cheating on Hillary? Multiple mistresses. I could go on. The legitimately faithful, moral people don’t feel the need to beat their chest about it. If you have to tell me how moral you are, I see right through you. If you’re legitimately a good person, shut the hell up and let your actions speak.” 

Amen.

Also, I love how many preachers read the anonymous mailbag. Gotta keep the sinners close, right?

“I just learned that I scored two tickets to the 2018 Masters for the 2nd round (Friday). I have an 8 year old son (who will be 9 by April) so I have thought about using the 2nd ticket for him. Years ago a good friend of mine and I discussed going to the Masters if either of us “won” tickets, however, that was when my son was a couple of months old. Now I have a conundrum. Do I take my good friend or do I take my 9 year old son? There is no guarantee that I will ever go back since the selection process is random. There are pros and cons to each, but I will withhold my thoughts and let you think things through. Sometimes it’s easier to see things clearly when you’re on the outside looking in.”  

I think this totally comes down to how much of a golf fan your nine year old son is.

There is a ton of walking at Augusta and it’s a really long day. This isn’t like, say, going to a football game which may only take a few hours and just requires you to stay in one seat throughout the game. We’re talking about getting there by nine in the morning and staying until around seven or eight at night. That’s a long ass day for a kid.

Toss in the potential weather — it may very well be hot or rainy — and you’re talking about having to deal with the elements. As if that weren’t enough, you’re also going to walk four or five miles as you make your way around the course. So will your son complain about the walking and the weather and want to go home long before the day is done? If so, you take your friend.

My son is nine and there’s no way I’d take him to the Masters. He’d be whining and ready to come home after like an hour because he doesn’t care about golf at all. As a result I’d spend the entire day trying to placate him and keep him there way longer than he wanted to stay.

Every parent knows this feeling, it’s awful.

Whereas if I was there with a buddy, we’d stay all day, drink, and have an amazing time. There wouldn’t be one complaint all day long.

So you have to objectively judge your son. For the vast majority of nine year olds, I think dads should take their buddy.

“So this girl I know put up a Snapchat of her driving in the car and I noticed her low pressure tire alert was on so I snap messaged her and, jokingly, pointed out that she needed to put air in her tires. She responds to that message and says “I don’t know how?” So I immediately start hammering her with questions, as I am appalled she “doesn’t know how” to put air in her tires.

She claims she “doesn’t need” to learn because putting air in your tires is a “man’s job.” While I don’t want my wife becoming a mechanic, I felt as if a woman is very capable of putting air into her tires and in fact should most definitely learn how to in case she’s a long way from home and keeps losing air she doesn’t have to ask a creepy guy at a gas station to do it for her so I immediately am in man defense mode and start asking her if she cooks, cleans, does laundry all the stereotypical “women” jobs. She says she does when she needs to, but that she prefers that a guy do those things too. Now I’m the type of guy to do many things on my own so that my wife doesn’t fuck it up: mow the grass, my BBQ, .. etc. This girl has “relative hot girl privilege” which means she’s hot enough to get almost all of the hot girl privileges. That being said I think she stands on the grounds of being completely undatable- thoughts?”

It is clear to everyone reading this email, including the girl you snapmessaged, that you desperately want to bang her.

Come on, the air in the tires comment was just a chance to say something to her. So were all the follow-up comments. Do you really care about any of her answers? Of course not, you’re just trying to bang her.

Should she know how to put air in her tires? Yes. But is she also right that if she’s hot enough she’ll never have to do it on her own if she doesn’t want to? Yes.

This is exactly what #hotgirlprivilege is.

Hate the player not the game.

“My grandmother is from a European country known for attractive women. Attached is a photo of a 4th cousin of mine. Is that enough distance to pursue sexually? If it matters at all, yes, I am a Bama fan.”

Most people don’t even know who their fourth cousins are.

You’re good to go here. (Albeit with this small, but important, caveat: if she has the same last name you can’t do it. Just because even if she’s a fourth cousin you guys would have the same last name and you can’t bang a cousin with the same last name. Even if you’re an Alabama fan.).

“A close friend of mine and I decided to get together to hang out one Friday evening after work (we also worked together). At this point in our friendship he had been married for at least 5 years and also had a 2-year old daughter.  We hadn’t hung out as much as in the past because marriage and kids, so we were trying to make a point to have a guys night.  It was a fun night doing what guys do, and what made it better was his wife was out for the evening hanging with her friends, and their daughter was at the Grandparent’s house.  We had a couple of other buddies stop by as the night progressed and certainly none of us would have been considered sober by any means.  

His wife comes home from her evening with friends and starts hanging out and drinking with us. We probably all partied together for about 2 hours and then crashed out. I do remember that my buddy got a little drunker and crashed before his wife, our other guy friend, and I did. I woke up the next morning on the couch, reminisced about the night with my buddy and took off only slightly hungover.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

At least 3 months went by and I hadn’t really heard much from my “close friend”, and I didn’t really think much about it.  Our other guy friend who was there called me up and told me that my friend’s wife claimed that I tried to sleep with her after her husband crashed for the night. I certainly don’t remember doing anything like that and I do not generally find her attractive. File it under not my type. However I will say that I don’t remember the end of the night with 100% accuracy.

I sent my friend an email at work basically saying I now know what I’m being accused of and I’d be willing to talk to him about it, but I also mentioned that I didn’t remember anything happening the way his wife claimed it did. His response was harsh and we basically haven’t talked ever since.

Am I in the wrong here for bringing this up to him when I found out from our mutual friend? Is he in the wrong for never even mentioning this to me over a 3-month period, but mentioning it to our mutual friend? Let’s say that his wife hit on me and I turned her down because I don’t roll like that. Her perfect play is to say I was the one that made the move. Her husband would pretty much have to buy it, right?”

All husbands are going to believe their wives in this scenario.

Every. Single. One.

You admit you were too drunk to remember exactly what happened, but say that her story isn’t true because you don’t find her that attractive. HELLO, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE END UP SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE THEY DON’T FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE. THIS IS BASICALLY WHY ALCOHOL WAS INVENTED, SO UGLY PEOPLE CAN HAVE SEX.

Unless you have a neutral, third party witness to this situation, why would he believe you at all? You aren’t even able to refute the wife’s story. Furthermore, you say she might make it up if she tried to hook up with you and you rejected her, but is that really a smart play here on her part? It’s much more likely that if she tried to hook up with you she’d never say anything at all.

I think the most likely outcome here is you got drunk and tried to hook up with your buddy’s wife after he passed out.

You’re certainly entitled to say it’s not true — even if you don’t remember what happened — but I’m not sure how you expect your buddy to respond to your email calling his wife a liar. “Thanks, man, I always knew my wife, and the mother of my child, was a lying whore. Appreciate the email. Wanna go hang at Twin Peaks after work?”

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

Anonymity guaranteed.

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.