Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

Apologies to those of you who were Tweeting about the anonymous mailbag not being up the past two Tuesdays. I vanished on family vacation and agreed not to work much while I was there. Now that I’m back in the saddle we’ll be here every Tuesday for the rest of the year.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Here we go:

“Clay, my college buddies and I have had a group chat for several years since we graduated in which we talk about the topics of the day. Usually, SEC football, drinking, and women.  It’s great, and because we all live in different cities, is it has been our primary way of keeping up over the years. 

Here’s our problem: a couple of the guys and I are certain that another’s wife not only reads every message we send, but she also sends messages herself sometimes. We know this because she says things that our buddy would never say himself. Putting aside the violation of trust here, our buddy has not been the same guy (i.e. won’t talk about boobs, other women, college hookups) at all since they’ve been together. Any time we start in on one of these subjects, he either quickly changes the subject or ignores us. And I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t want to get in trouble with his wife for anything we say about what he’s done in the past (she blew up at him for there being strippers at another buddy’s bachelor party–in fact, she gave him so much shit, that he wouldn’t even let us throw him a bachelor party for fear of us getting in him trouble).  

I’ll try to force the issue sometimes to make it clear that this should be a guy’s-only deal (unsuccessfully), but I also don’t want him to drive him away because he almost certainly would pick his wife should he have to choose. If I call him (and her) out, I’m worried we lose our buddy. 

What’s the move here?”

Set up two group chats.

One that continues to occur the same place, but is much less interesting, the other that’s privately run through What’s App — or another device outside of the main phone text screen — which the wife doesn’t have access to.

That’s not because you’re trying to hide what you’re doing, it’s because you want to be able to engage in private conversations with your friends without worrying about other people judging you. Your friends understand you and you understand them and other people who went back and read that conversation aren’t experiencing it in the same context as you guys.

A couple of my buddies had this happen recently to them, by the way. They are all huge fans of an SEC football team that doesn’t win very many games and after they pulled off an upset over a rival last year they were drunkenly sending messages about how excited they were by the win. And it turned into a really funny group chat about all the things they’d be willing to do for the players on their team to show their pleasure with the win. Everybody is trying to one up the next. Eventually one of them said he’d let the running back tandem tag team his wife and another guy’s wife at the same time while he gave them both high fives on every thrust.

That’s a funny line, which is clearly a joke, and everyone on the group chat took it as a joke.

Except one of the guys had drunkenly passed out while texting about his favorite football team’s big win — this is like an SEC football special by the way — and one of wives offered up as a tag team member saw her husband’s phone continuing to buzz after he passed out, got the phone, read the messages, and texted back, “How could you write that, she’s the mother of my children?!”

And just like that the everyone had a total buzzkill.

Because they knew their friend hadn’t actually texted that.

Then this wife told the other wives about the group chat and it turned into a huge controversy and now the guys are no longer allowed to group chat anymore.

I use that story as an illustration of a simple fact — JOKES ARE NOT LITERAL TRUTHS.

I mean, it’s completely ridiculous to think that the average SEC football fan would offer up his wife for a tag team with the running backs over a single win over a rival. That’s just patently absurd.

Because everyone knows you’d have to offer most guys at least three or four wins in a row over a rival to make that trade.

So if you pick up a group chat conversation without knowing how the members on that group chat normally communicate there’s a decent chance you are missing out on all the context. You don’t know what’s true and false, what’s sarcasm, it’s a foreign interaction. That’s because it isn’t meant for you.

Furthermore, and most importantly, why should you be reading your husband’s communications with his friends anyway? Let your husband have a private life with his friends without you constantly peeking over his shoulder wanting to know what he’s doing. And if you’re a guy, delete messages from your friends to avoid snooping.

This is why every time one of my friends calls me and I’m driving in a car the first thing I say is, “You’re on a speaker phone and my wife and kids are in the car.”

Literally the first thing I say.

And my friends do the same thing.

My wife is always like, “What do your friends say on the phone that you feel the need to tell them that before you say anything else?”

And my answer is pretty straightforward, different messages are intended for different audiences. I have no idea what my wife and her girlfriends talk about. And I don’t particularly care. But I do know there’s a strong chance one of my buddies might say something ridiculous with my wife and kids listening.

So be careful on your group chats.

And ladies, don’t read them. They aren’t meant for you. Just like your girl chats aren’t meant for men either.

“A couple of Saturdays ago I was playing drinking games at the pool for 7 hours then went to $5 all you can drink for 3 hours (so about 10 hours worth of drinking). When we get home from aycd, my roommate tries to go to bed, bailing on the boys after he bailed on us all day and maybe drank for 2 hours. I sprayed febreeze in said roommates face because he clearly needed some excitement in his life after violating the #dbap rule – and because I was completely inebriated, obviously. He then proceeds to throw me into my room. I stumble, trip, fall into my bed, and tomahawk kick a hole into my window. My girlfriend yells at him “This is what you get when you rough house” (I didn’t know she said this until the next day, but obviously this didn’t help me win the #dbap argument).

My stance is this. Everyone in our friend group knows I make dumb drunk decisions. Usually nothing harmless, just inexplicable decisions. I’ve lived with my roommate for 4 years, about to be 5, and I’ve known him for 6 years. He knows not to trust me when I drink. If I was really bothering him that much, he could’ve easily closed/locked his door. Instead, he threw me into an uncontrollable situation that could’ve permanently put me on the Bad News Bears wheelchair basketball team. My girlfriend was definitely violating the dbap rule, but bless her heart, she was just being protective I guess. And we all know it’s always good having a girl on your side. I think my roommate and I split the cost 50/50. My girlfriend, who was present all day, shouldn’t have any ramifications, she just needs to let the guys do stupid things they do.

He claims that he barely even pushed me. We are all good friends and joke about it now so there’s no bad blood against one another, but there’s clearly disagreement.

So my question is this, what percent of the blame is on me, my roommate, and, if any, my girlfriend? Who should pay to fix the window?

We are leaving it up to you, Lord Clay – the one true worthy king of Outkick, the last and most influential steward of sports media, ruler of MSESPN, Talcum X, and PC Bromani – to decide our fate.”

You should split the cost of the window. Yes, you provoked him with the Febreeze spraying and the #dbap insult and he says he barely pushed you, but when you barely push a drunk guy bad things happen. You’ve lived together for years and the window doesn’t get broken without both of you being involved here. So you should split it.

Your girlfriend has no responsibility here. She was just preparing for her future life as a parent when she will spend roughly 12-14 years of her life saving this over and over again if she has boys.

Additionally, your buddy’s fantasy football team name this year has to be, “This is what happens when you roughhouse.”

“My girlfriend/fiancée of 4+ randomly broke off our engagement three weeks ago. We had recently gone through a rough patch in our relationship but it was nothing that couldn’t be worked through. In fact, I felt like we had been working on it and we were making strides in the right direction. The break up came out of nowhere and has totally crushed me. I didn’t see it coming and never really got an answer for why other than she wasn’t 100% in it anymore. Ever since she started working in April in the OR on a surgery team she has been distant towards me and acting different. Since the break up she cut me off completely and the one time we talked last week she told me that she had been in a good place for the past two weeks and started moving on. What are the odds that she was seeing someone else that she works with?”

Brutal honesty: my best guess is that one of the doctors in the OR is banging her.

This means the engagement breaking off is actually the best thing that can happen to you. Better it happen now than happen after you got married.

I’d suggest the best way to move on is to find one of her girlfriends and bang her.

As a general rule of life, every girl has a girlfriend that you could bang.

Find that girl, bang her, and move on with your life. Despite what you might think, you and your fiancee are not going to remain friends. I know it seems crushing now, but the truth of the matter is this — there are literally thousands of girls you could marry, now there is one less.

You’ll be fine.

“Is there a “how to handle gold diggers” book for dummies? I’m a recently graduated pharmacist who just landed a great job and am jumpstarting my career. I’m also not the best looking guy (short, chubby, drinks a tad too much beer).

This chick I was acquaintances with in high school, (you know the ones that didn’t hang out with you but you were still friendly enough to say hey to if you saw each other somewhere) would not have ever given me the time of day back then but literally out of the blue has found me on social media recently and is coming on to me pretty strong. Disclaimer* I’m on a dry spell and this girl is practically knocking down my door.

I hate to judge, but I highly doubt she’s so interested in talking to someone she hasn’t seen or heard from in years just “because”, especially since I wouldn’t even call us friends.  She’s the same age as me, is recently divorced, and has 2 kids. I found out all of this in the past few days.

In fact, I forgot she even existed for the past 7-8 years when I left town for college because I haven’t been around home much. I’m not looking to settle down for a few years but I’m a little uneasy about the whole kids and divorced thing. Most of my friends are either still single, engaged, or just married. None of them even have kids yet. I don’t feel like I’m at the age yet where whoever I go out with is a divorcee and has to set up babysitter plans. To make matters worse, all my friends that know about this think I’m going to be these kids stepfather. Is this how the single life ends? Does future me blow all my money on some retread pussy? I don’t want to be that guy. I feel like I should have been prepared for this and I’m not. In college everything is simple because no one is married and no one has any kids. You can just blanket apply that to every girl at a bar. That no longer exists now and I don’t know to properly assess my options. Send help!”

Most college graduating women have no idea what life costs until they get to be about 25 years old. Up until that point everyone wants to date the “cool guy” because dad and mom are covering most expenses. Then the cool guy graduates and unless he’s also smart and hard working, he’s got a crap job selling insurance making $35k a year and he’s not very cool anymore because he’s already peaked in life and his job sucks.

So a girl graduates and gets a job — and just about everyone’s job is low paying right out of college — and suddenly realizes how much it costs to live in a good area of town, shop at Whole Foods, have a good gym membership, drive a decent car, and be able to put her kids in a school she’d want them to attend. And many women will then start to aggressively chase after guys they know have a meal ticket to the lifestyle they want to have for they and their future children.

This is why rich guys spend money on cars, clothes and watches. Because it works.

What this woman is doing to you on Facebook is the very definition of gold digging. And I’m not saying that in a bad way. Guys gold dig, but just in different ways than women. Guys are much more likely to be motivated by physical traits than women are. A successful guy who totally outkicks his coverage is gold digging in his own way. Women are planning for the next ten years in a relationship, guys are planning for the weekend.

My advice, ignore this woman. You’ve put in the hard work to make good money, better options with women will come soon. If you don’t believe me, set up an online dating profile and input your salary.

Enjoy the attention, you’ve earned it.

“I work for a global office company and recently I was selected to go on an all expenses paid cruise to Cozumel. The biggest issue is my first cousin has a wedding the same weekend which is the third weekend in September. I know what you’re thinking, “Who gets married during football season in the south?”  My thoughts exactly, but Alabama plays a cupcake so I was willing to go. The issue is now since I’ve won the trip and informed my family they’re saying “I’m tearing the family apart being selfish.”  Yeah we grew up together but since college we don’t talk or even see each other so I don’t see an issue in taking the cruise over the wedding. If you were in this situation would you take the cruise or choose the first cousin’s wedding?”

If it’s truly a big family issue, I’d probably go to the wedding. But I also think it matters how many first cousins you have. Do you have 25 or four? The fewer first cousins you have the more you need to go to preserve family peace.

Plus, you won a cruise to Cozumel not a cruise around the world. That’s a pretty replaceable gift. I’m sure you’d have fun on the cruise, but what would that cruise to Cozumel cost for one person if you bought it yourself? $600? Less?

I’d get the cruise rescheduled if possible — surely people have conflicts, right? — or look into reselling it online and pocketing the money you make towards a future vacation after football season.

“My friend and I just graduated law school and were surprised by our girlfriend and fiancée with a trip to Las Vegas. While there we all wanted to take a break from the craps table and try out the clubs (we are from Louisiana so never get the opportunity to go to a place to pay 50 dollars for cover so when in Rome right?).

Our ladies were very excited that Scott Disick was going to be “promoting” a club in Las Vegas while we were there so we decided to check it out. Before being explained exactly who this Scott guy is, I had never heard of him and was amazed that he was famous enough to be on these posters promoting a famous club. While there, he walked past and our girls got really excited to see him. Perplexed, I asked the bouncer “who is this guy?” The bouncer nonchalantly said “oh that is Scott Disick, he goes on at two.” Goes on at two? Goes on to do what? I still have no idea.

The day after the Disick sighting my buddies fiancée makes the very bold statement that Scott Disick is more well known than Odell Beckham which I vehemently disagreed with. I mean, Odell is one of the most well known athletes in one of the most watched sports right? No way this Scott guy has the name recognition of OBJ right? Well, there is now a serious debate going on between my friends of who has the better name recognition with the population as a whole (girls and guys) and I feel like you are the only one that can put this debate to rest.

Here is to hoping that OBJ gets the W in this debate and I don’t feel like pop culture has passed me by so soon.”

I think there’s zero doubt Scott Disick is more famous than Odell Beckham, Jr. among people ages 18-40. Twitter’s not always a perfect approximation of these things, but Disick has nearly 7 million followers and Beckham, Jr. has about a third of that.

Plus, keep in mind that Odell Beckham, Jr. has never been on a team that won a playoff game. Your casual sports fan learns about athletes when they advance to the biggest possible stages in the postseason. Remember that 115 million people watch the Super Bowl and around 30 million, at most, watch a wild card game. So far OBJ hasn’t advanced in the playoffs. He also hasn’t become marketable enough to cross over to non sports fans. Furthermore, OBJ is only on TV, while wearing a helmet, for a few hours a week in the fall.

Meanwhile the Kardashian show is insanely popular and runs all the time on E. I’m sure if I turned on the TV today I could find Scott Disick somewhere. I wouldn’t be able to find OBJ unless he got arrested or did something truly insane that became newsworthy. Remember that Lamar Odom remains one of the most well known NBA players based almost entirely on his Kardashian guest turn. And Lamar was on the Kardashian show for much less time than Disick has been.

Finally, consider the Vegas perspective. They don’t spend money unless they can make money. Your girlfriends were willing to pay money to go the club Disick was promoting to see him. Would you guys ever remotely consider paying money to go to a club event OBJ was promoting?

It’s a no contest, Disick wins.

Good luck on the bar exam.

Send your anonymous mailbag question to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.