Anonymous Mailbag

Rejoice, it’s Tuesday, and time for the anonymous mailbag.

Even if it’s a bleary eyed anonymous mailbag because I was up watching the Titans get crushed by the Texans last night and have been running around since 4 AM.

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You can also buy an autographed copy of the book for $50 here. And if you wan a bunch of them to give you can add that note to your purchase of one book and we’ll charge you $20 for each additional autographed copy.

“I got engaged over the holiday weekend to the woman who I’ve spent the past 5 years with, both now in our late 20’s. Naturally we went out to celebrate with friends and family for drinks that same night while we were in town (from Ohio, now in NYC) for Thanksgiving.

Towards the end of the night we run into one of my now fiancées best friends who is also in town and who now lives in LA. A little back story to this friend. She and my fiancée used to go out to bars together and when being hit on would say they were together to avoid guys.

I was a bartender at one bar they came into and had seen them kiss on several occasions to employ said strategy. Fast forward to Saturday night and as the bar begins to close, she proceeds to ask if my fiancée and I would like to go back to her hotel room for a night of fun, as there had always been that “tension” when we were always together. I politely declined and said we had to leave early the next morning. Did I pass up something I will regret? Or am I in the right, thinking that’s a trap of all traps?”

You passed up something you’ll regret, but I also don’t think it was a trap either.

What you should have done is let your fiancee make the decision. Then you get none of the blame and all of the potential fun.

You should have just said, “She’s the hot one, she makes all the decisions in our sex lives, ask her. I go where she leads.”

Then let your fiancee decide what she wants to do.

Sure, your fiancee might have turned it back on you and asked for your opinion — thereby creating another trap — but you can say you’re the least important person in the threesome so it would be really dumb for you to get to make the decision and put it back on your fiancee to decide.

Whatever you do, play it cool and let your fiancee make a decision. That way it’s impossible for you to get blamed with whatever she decides.

“I, like many American men, had to recently bite the bullet and begrudgingly go to my in-laws for 5 days over Thanksgiving.
5 days Clay!
My Thanksgiving expectation is to be able to sit on the couch and watch as much football as I want all weekend. Holidays with my side of our family are spent with one TV in the basement for kids, the main living area TV has the best game on and the TV outside on the patio has another game on for those who enjoy being outside. (And want to drink their asses off without being asked to carve a bird or take out a garbage)
My in-laws aren’t sports people AND they don’t even have a cable/dish TV plan. It’s like 1970 where they have some antenna with the four channels. Every time I turned on a game on NBC, ABC, CBS, or Fox (Thank God for their sports coverage) my mother-in-law made a smart remark about quality family time, blah-blah-blah which I ignored. I survived between watching on my tablet and the main channels on their 32 inch TV. 
That’s not the main issue. Clay, what the hell is it with women not wanting to have sex in their parents house? We had a bedroom to ourselves…with a door that locked. The kids had another bedroom and her parents were upstairs, not directly above us. There was literally no reason not to have sex, other than she didn’t want to at her parents house. This wasn’t even the house she grew up in, it wasn’t like we were in her childhood bedroom. Also, why do people insist on staying at family members house, when they can afford to stay in a hotel? Trust me, the hotel is a better option for all involved, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. 
PSA to women, if you’re going to drag your husband to your parents house over the holidays and not stay in a hotel (which is what I wanted to do!!!) at least bang them when you have a free moment. Trust me, your holidays will be much more merry and bright.”
First, I am a firm adherent when it comes to staying in a hotel if you can stay in a hotel.
Most people’s houses aren’t made to handle an additional family. Unless you’re fortunate enough to have family members with massive houses where you have plenty of space, the hotel is ALWAYS the way to go. Especially if you have young kids or, god forbid, there are tons of other kids there too and you’ve got multiple families around each other all the time staying in a tiny house.
I HATE being a houseguest for anyone but my wife’s parents.
I love my family, but I also like to be able to escape with them to a hotel and not have to deal with other people’s drama or their annoying kids. (Other people’s kids, even if they behave the exact same as your own, are, and this has been scientifically proven via exhaustive data, exactly 4500% more annoying than your own children.
As for the number of women who won’t have sex in their parent’s house, this is at epidemic proportions. This is particularly crazy because YOU HAVE CHILDREN. It’s biologically clear that you sleep together. No one thinks you’re still virgins.
Furthermore, have you ever heard of a husband who won’t have sex in his parent’s house? I’ve never heard of this in my life. Not once. Men will have sex while taking out the garbage in a public street if our wives offer to sleep with us there.
I’ve been trying to figure out what the reasoning is why so many women have this hang up and I just can’t figure it out. I mean, I understand if you’re directly next door and sharing a wall and you’re having porn star screaming sex, but if you just have normal married people sex no one knows what’s going on anyway.
What’s the logic behind why many married women won’t do this? I’m totally baffled by it.
Hell, this morning I came downstairs from my home studio to talk to my wife and she was in the shower and we have like a six minute commercial break and I was thinking to myself, “I bet we could have sex right now and I could make it back in time for my show. And if I was a few minutes late the other guys could just talk and it would be fine.”
Yet every married guy reading this right now is not surprised with the way my brain works.
Anyway, five days in your in-law’s house without sex over the holidays is just cruel and unusual punishment.
No one should have to sign up for this.
“I’ve known this girl my entire life since we were kids.
For the most part we just stayed close friends, romance didn’t become a factor until we became adults and hung out in college. 
Anyways, she began dating her long term boyfriend going on 5 plus years now but every time she takes breaks I become the temp employee you could say.
Recently I took her to a festival, her boyfriend couldn’t make the trip down. During this time she was holding my hand, calling me babe in front on her friends, I mean for Christ sake we popped kissed on a merry go round.
I guess my question is, how do I handle this ? Every time I try and distance myself from the possibility of fooling around when I know her bf is either not in the picture or physically not there she doubles down and I always cave. Should I continue to roll with the punches and keep playing it cool (without mentioning the mixed signals she’s throwing my way on a regular basis) or let this go in its entirety because at this stage in my life I have no interest in being a home wrecker even if it means ending a friendship.” 
At some point when you are older you are going to read this sentence and prefer to punch yourself in the cock and balls over and over again than read this sentence because it will be less painful to you.
Here’s the sentence I’m talking about:
“During this time she was holding my hand, calling me babe in front on her friends, I mean for Christ sake we popped kissed on a merry go round.”
I know nothing at all about you, but let’s focus on the second part of this sentence in particular, “I mean for Christ sake we popped kissed on a merry go round.”
I’m just going to be straight up with you: this is the sentence that a pussy writes.
No girl wants to date a pussy, she wants to keep him around to make her feel better when her boyfriend isn’t willing to spend time going to a festival with her. She wants the illusion of dating the nice guy and the reality of dating the bad boy. She bangs the boyfriend doggy style while he drinks a beer and plays video games, she pop kisses you on a merry go round.
This is the role in life you have chosen.
If you want to be the guy she bangs doggy style while he’s drinking a beer and playing video games, you have to stop being a pussy.
How do you do that?
Bang her friend. Or her sister. Do something that takes you forever out of the “I’m a nice guy who you pop kiss on a merry go round and take to a festival” relationship.
You need an edge.
Because as is she’s not going to respect you.
Worse she’s probably going to eventually start talking with you about the other guys she wants to bang like your dick doesn’t even work.
Now the good thing is, you can learn not to be a pussy. I used to be a pussy too. Most guys are pussies at some point in time. We aren’t all born Tim Riggins.
It’s easy to get friendzoned by hot girls because, look, we all get it, you want to be around the hot girl because maybe she’ll decide to bang you. That’s what every teenage boy thinks at some point.
But this is an important lesson you need to understand, young Skywalker, you don’t get a hot girl by treating a hot girl like a hot girl. You have to treat her like a completely normal person. Hot girls have at least as many insecurities as non hot girls. When you fawn all over her, she doesn’t see you as a sexual partner, she sees you as another girlfriend.
The question you have to ask yourself is this, do I want another friend, or do I want to have sex with this girl? If you want the latter, then change your behavior now.
If you’re fine popkissing on merry go rounds, keep doing exactly what you’re doing now.
Just know that one day in the future you’re going to be punching yourself in the cock and balls over and over again saying, “Damn it, Clay Travis was right. Why didn’t I listen to him?!”
“Simple question – when is it acceptable for a man to pee sitting down?  Many years ago in college, we were sitting around BS’ing and a guy said he sat to pee in the morning and loved it.  I had never thought of it before.  Next thing you know, I was hooked.  My rule – during the day and evening – stand.  First thing in AM or middle of night – sit.”
I don’t know when it became so negative for a man to pee sitting down. I actually like to pee sitting down. Especially early in the morning when you’ve got morning wood and your pee could go anywhere.
You can sit down on the toilet, tuck your dick underneath the rim of the toilet and pee without your pee going everywhere.
You can also sit there and contemplate the day for like a minute and a half.
It’s a nice gentlemanly piss.
My life is such a frenzy now the only places I can think without being bothered is on the toilet and in the shower. That’s it. (And this isn’t even true since my kids come hang out there too. I swear to God, my four year old will see me sitting on the toilet, come walk into the bathroom, shut the door behind him and say, “So, what should we talk about?”
Having said all of this, I think you can only sit down to pee in your own home.
Or while you’re popkissing on the merry go round.
(Limited exception: You ever go in a super luxurious bathroom with those full door length stalls that are like small apartments? It feels like you should hang out there a bit too. Sometimes I sit in those luxury bathroom stalls to pee just because I feel like I’m wasting them if I pee in a urinal. But the general rule remains you should not sit in a public bathroom unless you have to poop.)
“Clay, I was born and raised one of the larger towns of one of the smaller SEC states – aka, the Bible Belt.  Like most families, I grew up going to church weekly, as did most of my friends.  I recently moved back and fell into the same routine.  In this part of the country, being a member one of the older, richer churches is akin to being in a country club.  Nearly all of my business connections and investors are either from my church or in a similar church nearby.  Though I’m self employed, I lean on the investors in my projects for contacts, advice, and investment, and they’re mostly super churchy – even deacon-level involved.  
Even 10 years ago I was wholly subsumed in the culture, but as I’ve scratched the skeptical itch in my mind and thought it about it rationally, I’m now in the camp that it’s essentially just fairy tales.  I’ve resisted telling my wife because she is a ‘strong’ believer.  However, I don’t want my kids to be indoctrinated without at least a counter argument given, and it’s not right to keep this from my wife.  Given her convictions, I don’t expect a fully non-religious household, but I think it’s fair to tell them what I think about Christmas, Jesus, Easter, life after death, etc… 
I’m never going to be an atheist proselytizer, but I really don’t want to lie anymore.  Given the dynamics of wife, children, business, and social aspects, how do you suggest handling this?”
I’d just keep faking it, honestly.
If you think of your church as essentially a country club then it’s not that big of a deal that you don’t believe everything being said there.
I do think you should have a conversation with your wife about your opinions, provided, and I think this is key — you don’t think she’s going to flip out and demand counseling for the two of you or something like that.
I think every married couple that shares a religion is typically made up of one person who is more devout than the other. And, honestly, you may change positions on the devout scale throughout your relationship if you remain together long enough. I think you should be open about this with each other and not hide what you believe.
I also think, by and large, the morality your kids learn at church will serve them well as they grow up.
Most of the lessons in the Bible, if applied with modern day logic and reasonableness, are pretty good frameworks for life throughout all of human history. There’s a reason they have endured, it’s because the distilled wisdom of the ages is as valuable to us now as it was to them thousands of years ago.
King David wanted to bang Bathsheba for the same reason Donald Trump wanted to bang Stormy Daniels, because powerful (and men without power) have always wanted to have as much sex with as many different women as they can. That’s basic biology.
Having said that, I think you should be straightforward with your kids when they ask you questions about religion and have reached the age where they are old enough to understand the concept of choice. that is somewhere in their teenage years depending on the general maturity level of your children. (Unless, that is, you have teenage daughters. I would tell all of them they are going straight to hell if they have premarital sex).
I think you should also allow your kids to make decisions in their own lives about what they believe and what they don’t believe without trying to dictate what they believe.
Again, that’s for kids who are teenagers at least.
My general belief when it comes to religion whether you’re a Christian, Muslim, Jew or something else is that as long as you don’t preach to me that your way is the only way to heaven and everyone else is damned to hell — in other words so long as you aren’t a zealot — I’m fine with whatever you choose to believe.
But my general perspective in general is that the Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths didn’t even exist for 98% of human history.
Humans in our present condition are around 50,000 years old.
So for the first 48,000 of those years of “modern” humanity, Jesus, and therefore Christianity, didn’t exist. Muhammad didn’t exist until about 1500 years ago. These religions are all blips on the human radar. So most of the people in human history could have never worshiped the gods we worship today.
I had an eye opening experience when I was a teenager and we were studying Greek and Roman history and the gods they worshiped. The most religious people in our classroom made fun of those old religions the most. And I remember thinking, wait a minute, in three thousand years other kids might be studying our Bible and ridiculing our religion just like these kids are. What makes the Greek and Roman gods absurd and ours perfectly reasonable?
It’s just what you’re used to.
Most accept what they’ve been surrounded by their entire lives and don’t question very much of those surroundings. It can be easier that way. I tend to be, for whatever reason, a questioner.
I believe in a higher power, but not the kind of higher power that judges people for picking the wrong higher power to worship. That’s always been the height of absurdity to me. How insecure would god be if he created me and then needed me to acknowledge he was superior to me all day long? You created me, dude, why do you need me to admit this all the time? That sounds like the worst relationship ever.
Personally I live by a pretty basic moral code — be better than you are.
And that’s what I try to do every day.
I think it’s pretty good advice for everyone even if, like me, you’re never quite as good as you hoped you might be.
The end result is you end up spending a lot less time judging other people and more time worried about making the best decision you can.
Good luck.
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Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.