Anonymous Mailbag

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If you have any anonymous mailbag questions you can email them to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. Okay, here we go.

“Good talk this morning with the wife about Christmas gifts.

Here is the transcript: 

Wife, “What do you want for Christmas?”
Me, “3 blow jobs in one day.”
Wife, “For real.”
Me, “J on your face.”
Wife, “Dammit, a real gift.”
Me, “J on your face *would* be a real gift.”
Wife, “OK, a gift I can put under the tree.”
Me, “You, only wearing a bow.”

This isn’t difficult. Why are women so stupid sometimes?”

Women way overthink Christmas.

If every married woman gave her husband a booklet of sex coupons it would be the greatest Christmas gift he ever received.

I’m 39 years old and I can buy myself anything I want. (I mean within reason that you might get for Christmas. For instance, I’d like to buy my own jet. But I can’t do that.) Odds are most married men can do the same.

That’s even more so the case if at Christmas your wife is buying something for you using your own money. Which is also the case for many husbands out there.

So the odds of my wife coming up with a brilliant gift that I otherwise wouldn’t think of myself is almost zero.

But if she gave me a booklet full of sex coupons for Christmas that I could redeem as I wished?

Score!

I don’t think there’s a husband reading this right now who wouldn’t trade every Christmas gift he’s received from his wife for this in a heartbeat.

Yet women keep overthinking Christmas.

I just don’t get it.

I think you probably overreacted by sending him a message yourself.

Your wife could have either not responded to his DM — especially since it’s on LinkedIn and I don’t think most people spend much time on there. For instance I may have 100 DMs on there, I haven’t checked messages on that site in years — or just shot him down without even acknowledging the intent of his message.

Your wife is an attractive grown woman and she’s been getting hit on by men for most of her life. I’m sure she’s learned how to deter the interest of men by now. I think she could have done it again here.

If the guy continued to send messages to her then I think you could certainly step in, but this seems more like a hail mary than anything else. And as attractive as your wife might be, by the way, I doubt this is the first time he’s ever done this. My bet is he is regularly sliding into the LINKEDIN! DMs of other married women as well.

So let this be a lesson to all of you out there, don’t DM other men’s wives, especially not in an inappropriate manner.

Having said all of this, what if the guy is just really socially awkward, has no interest in your wife at all, and was attempting to hire her for for a job that doubles her salary? And then you just went nuclear on him?

Something like 90% of the men in this country are essentially functionally illiterate and can barely send a text message without tripping all over their dicks and looking stupid.

So maybe be lenient when it comes to moves like these and let your wife handle it.

As for interacting with him in the future, I’d just ignore him.

This is way past the statute of limitations and it’s so socially awkward that it makes me cringe on behalf of this woman, but it’s $25.

I’d just give them $25 and be done with it. (If you want to be a real dick you can figure out the interest rate and give them $25.64 or something like that to make up for the four months they didn’t have your $25, but if you do this you’re being a dick).

I’m a big believer in weighing cost when it comes to conflict.

If you argue over $25 that’s energy you could otherwise be spending in a more productive fashion.

Will you even miss the $25? Of course not. And the couple demanding the repayment of the $25 won’t even notice its return either, which is why I cringed so much over their demand for the repayment.

From a financial perspective, I try and balance out the cost of something vs. the time it’s going to cost me. It amazes me how few people do this. (I don’t do this, by the way, for things that I enjoy. But if I’m doing something that I don’t enjoy, the time I’m spending doing something that I don’t enjoy is time I could be spending doing something else that I do enjoy. So it needs to be worth my time to do it.)

For instance, the other day my wife wanted me to figure out the password for the Amazon account because she wanted to sync our Alexa device so Amazon will end up knowing everything about my family that they don’t already know. And, like many of you, I have no idea what my passwords are and just have them saved on my phone and computer.

(I legitimately panic every time I have to change my iPhone passwords because I think I’m going to get locked out of my phone forever and I can’t remember all the different passwords I’ve had over the years.)

Worse than that I knew it was going to take like 45 minutes of my time to track down everything because my Amazon password is connected to an old email address I don’t use any more and I don’t know that password either. So in order to track down my Amazon password, which will be sent to the old email address, I’d have to also track down the password to that old email address so I could reset the Amazon password.

This is the modern technological mess that we’ve created for ourselves. (And how about the fact that every password has a different rule, some require symbols or upper cases so you can’t even stick with the same password for everything any more. Worst of all, they don’t tell you the upper case or symbol rule when you’re typing in your password so you have no clue what to do.)

So she nagged me about doing this for a couple of weeks and we argued about how much time it was going to take and why we needed to sync our Amazon account with the Alexa machine — sidenote, I still don’t understand why we needed to do this — and finally I just said, “Just sign up for another Amazon prime account then and you take care of it!”

And then she’s like: “But that’s going to cost $100 a year!”

And I said, “IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORTH $100 TO ME NOT TO EVER HAVE THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT SYNCING THE GODDAMN ALEXA TO OUR GODDAMN AMAZON ACCOUNT!”

And then she said, “I don’t know why you’re raising your voice at me. I’m just trying to sync the Amazon account to our Alexa.”

And I wanted to pull my hair out while jumping off a building.

Now opening another Amazon account might not have been a logical solution, but my point is time is money. The time I spend on something like this, especially if it’s arguing with my wife about things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, is the time I’m not able to spend on another more important thing at my work.

As I’ve gotten more and more busy and had more and more obligations most of what I do every day is try and put out fires. I have to prioritize everything from a time perspective and often I have to do that while balancing out financial responsibilities as well. So I need to spend my work time as efficiently as I can.

This is true for everyone regardless of what their job is, but I think many people do a poor job of this. We’ve all known people who can’t prioritize at work and school and end up spending way too much time on something that isn’t that important.

Much of success in life, I believe, is finding out what the most important things are and doing them well.

To me, at this point in my life, money should be about limiting frustrations as opposed to increasing them.

And this Amazon password was the perfect example.

Anyway, I ended up finding the passwords — Amazon has a section of their website where family accounts can be linked, probably because of all the marital disputes Amazon accounts have created — and now our Alexa is synced with our Amazon account so Jeff Bezos is basically a member of our family.

(Don’t tell my wife, but I still have no idea why we needed to sync the Alexa to our Amazon account).

So just pay the $25 to your friends and be done with it.

And if you don’t enjoy babysitting their kid, then don’t do it for free. If you do enjoy it, and you think it’s fun practice for when you have a kid one day, then do it.

Don’t allow their bitchiness to make you a bitch.

(By the way my mom, who might be reading this right now and just hearing about this for the first time, somehow managed to sign up for a $6 a month app service on her phone like five years ago and we get billed for it every month. (My parents are on my cell phone plan.) Rather than spend the time to call up and cancel the $6 a month surcharge for some app no one uses, I’ve just kept paying it because I don’t want to get on the phone with AT&T and sit on hold to deal with it. There’s no telling how many other people are just like me when it comes to this. I’m sure there are billions of dollars in company valuations predicated on it not being worth the time to cancel a service. Honestly, that’s the secret sauce of monthly subscription services. Once you sign up for them most people won’t spend the time to cancel them if they don’t cost that much. We have subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, & WWE in my house. The odds of us ever canceling any of them is really slim. Once you sign up, most of us will stay signed up even if we don’t use the product very much. That’s because it’s not worth the time to most people to save $10).

If you want to support kids who are students at your alma mater, I’d just make it a habit of picking up checks for students whether they are athletes or not.

That seems like a good karma move in general.

Plus, you aren’t allowed to buy meals for athletes by themselves under NCAA rules, but if you do it for all students regardless of whether they are athletes or not, it’s not a violation.

Having said that, the odds of you getting caught for buying a meal for an athlete are virtually zero.

So do whatever you’d like.

This is the most common question we get from men to the anonymous mailbag — why won’t my wife sleep with me?

There are a ton of sexless marriages out there.

I tell women all the time in the anonymous mailbag that the number one way you can ensure your husband doesn’t cheat on you is to sleep with him as much as you can manage. I guarantee you the number of men who sleep with their wives four or five times a week and also cheat on those wives is tiny. That’s because I believe the number one reason men cheat on women is because they want more sex than they’re receiving.

I don’t think cheating is emotional for most men, I think it’s purely physical.

That’s why it’s always so surprising to me that women, who spend far more time analyzing their relationships than men do, don’t focus on this issue. Sometimes you have to think like a man. Men view everything through the prism of sex. If you aren’t sleeping with us, we believe something is really wrong with the relationship.

So what do you do? I think you have to sit her down and explain how frustrating this is to you and try to figure out why you’re barely having sex once a month.

Then you can tell her, “Look, if you don’t want to have sex with me at all I’m not going to get divorced because I love you and the boys too much, but I also think we need to have an open marriage because I can’t spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Sex may not matter to you, but it matters to me.”

Maybe this will impress upon her how much this means to you.

The Corvette analogy is perfect, by the way. If she’s got herself into perfect shape, what’s she using that body for? So strangers think she looks better in a bathing suit? So she can look good in her workout gear at the gym?

In every married man’s mind the number one beneficiary of the Corvette body should be them.

What’s the point of looking great if your spouse can’t enjoy you looking great?

There isn’t a man reading this right now who doesn’t think every time his wife gets dressed up for a social event, I can’t wait for her to take that dress off later. There also isn’t a man reading this right now, who hasn’t thought — when a night he expected to end in sex didn’t end in sex — why in the world did you get all dressed up like that and go out tonight if you weren’t going to sleep with me later?

This is how men think.

All of them, even the total beta male pussies who pretend they don’t think this way to make women like them more.

If having a direct conversation with your wife doesn’t work — hell, you can let her read my response in the mailbag — I’d suggest marital counseling. You may think everything is great in your marriage, but women often withhold sex because they don’t feel an emotional connection to their husband. So what are you missing here? Is something not right that you aren’t aware of? (Men should try and think like women too, but we’re often very bad at this, which is why I often tell you exactly what most men think in the mailbag.)

Good luck.

“My friends and I are split 50/50 on a weird issue. Is it normal for men to put toilet paper on the toilet seat when shitting in a public bathroom? One friend does it on every toilet including his own, which we all agreed was weird. But some people think its gross to go “ass to ass” with strangers on a public toilet, while some people think its clean enough and putting TP down is a waste of time.”

I’m a bare ass on the toilet guy, but I don’t think it’s abnormal to put toilet paper down.

My thing is this though — when you put the toilet paper down you are probably touching your hand to the toilet seat more than you would otherwise and I think those germs are worse.

The gross thing about using a public toilet, by the way, isn’t sitting on a public toilet, it’s when you drop a turd and the turd water bounces back up in your open asshole.

Like, what was in that toilet water that is now in your asshole?

That’s terrifying. I don’t know how we don’t all die from this.

Now that none of you will ever be able to forget this thought again, let’s move on.

“Last night while having sex with my girlfriend it dawned on me that I was thinking about other girls and it wasn’t the first time that it’s happened either. What percentage of guys do you think have been thinking of another girl while having sex with someone else?”

100%.

I also think 100% of women have done it too.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that the only reason I have three sons is because my wife was able to imagine she was having sex with the Rock instead of me.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Hope y’all have great Tuesdays.