Anonymous Mailbag

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If you have any anonymous mailbag questions you can email them to, anonymity guaranteed. Okay, here we go.

“My son goes to a public elementary school in Oklahoma, this week being Halloween, his class party is scheduled to be tomorrow. 
Our school uses an automated text service to share news, weather, school closings, etc. to communicate with parents.  So yesterday we get an automated text saying that the 2nd grade students will not be allowed to dress up for the Halloween party, and now the Halloween party will be called a “Fall Party.” 
Me, being the concerned parent that I am call the school and ask for an explanation. The Principal proceeds to tell me that a parent called and her son is “afraid of Halloween” the mother doesn’t want to withhold her child from school (my guess is because she cant stand to be around the little shit) and she is basically asking to not allow the 2nd grade to dress up because her son doesn’t like it. 
The Principal caves in and says that she will not allow him to be scared and will not allow the students t0 dress up.  I asked the Principal why not just exempt the student from school as to not count against his perfect attendance? She replied saying that “we want to include everyone.” 
But the kid doesn’t want to be included?! This is Madness! 
This is total bullshit!  My 7 year old son was scheduled to be Baker Mayfield for Halloween, but I am thinking of going full rogue and making him Zombie Baker Mayfield and having fake brains in his hair and fake blood everywhere.  Since when does a public school system cater to 1 scared 2nd grader and punish the other 114?
What’s my play here?”
If your kid really wants to dress up, I’d let him dress up.
This parent (and it has to be a mom because I refuse to believe there is any dad on the planet who is this much of a pussy) is not doing her child any favors by attempting to protect him from everything that makes him the slightest bit uncomfortable.
This is very similar to the question we got last week to lead the anonymous mailbag which makes me believe this is becoming a trend — parents objecting about Halloween because it conflicts with their special snowflake view of life and demanding that everyone else kowtow to their worldview as well.
This kid’s in second grade. That’s old enough that he will remember being a pussy for the rest of his life over this. But he’s not to blame here, the parent is.
Parents teach children what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior by our actions and our parenting decisions. The kids don’t know, we teach them.
That’s our entire job.
The most important job a parent has is preparing a child for adulthood. That sounds simple, but as any parent can tell you it’s quite difficult. Knowing what is and what is not the right decision is often impossible. For instance, what should parents do about the prevalence of ipads and phones? I’m going to be honest with y’all, I have no idea how to handle this technology because we didn’t have it when I was a kid.
So I don’t know what the impact is going to be on my kids.
I don’t think I’m going to let me kids get phones until high school. Well, some parents have already let their kids get phones. What about ipads? Well, my two oldest already have ipads and now I think we have erred in that decision. Honestly, I just don’t know what’s the right decision for things like these, that I can’t rely upon my own life experience as a kid.
I do know that I played video games and watched quite a bit of TV and turned out fine (at least I think so) so I’m less concerned with those aspects of their childhood.
Where I draw the line, however, is in making my own decisions on raising my children impact every other parent. Just because I let my kid use an iPad doesn’t mean you have to do the same. I respect other parent’s ability to make decisions about raising their kids so long as they don’t demand that their decision also be my decision.
And this is where I think we need to stop allowing a vocal minority to turn our schools into absurd safe spaces. This mom who is keeping the other kids form dressing up for Halloween shouldn’t be placated because what she is demanding is that everyone else’s behavior be changed because of her kid. The principal needs to stand up to her and say, “I understand you don’t agree with the Halloween party, but we aren’t going to change our school’s behavior over one child. Particularly where, as here, I don’t believe the impact to your child will be dangerous to his or her health.”
That’s what a reasonable educator should say here and it should be the same policy for all issues like this.
For instance, what if  a teacher is teaching Harry Potter, most kids love it, and one parent objects and demands the school not teach that book? It would be absurd to ban the book because of that parent’s objection, right?
Yet all too often what is happening is the person who is demanding a change is being placated and everyone else has to adjust their behavior because of them. And as I said last week the practical impact is that a substantial minority opinion has to be tolerated and behavior has to be changed because of it but a substantial majority opinion is not tolerated.
That’s completely the opposite of what it should be!
You can’t make everyone happy, which is why the goal should be to make as many people happy as possible.
“I coach my son’s 6 & 7 year old flag football team. We just concluded our season this past weekend. We finished with a 1-5 record, did not make the playoffs and tied for last place. I now have parents asking me if I have ordered trophies to distribute to the team, to which I responded “I have not planned to.” I then received messages from parents upset that I am not getting trophies for the team to which I responded “It is my philosophy (not saying it is right or wrong) to not hand out participation trophies. I believe that a trophy is something that should be earned and not just given out.”
My response was not well received to say the least.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know when I was my son’s age playing sports I never received a trophy for anything other than first place and even at that age I knew it was something that had to be earned. If you got a trophy it was a sense of accomplishment and showed you were successful. It just blows my mind that this is expected in today’s culture! Also factor in that I am being expected to purchase these after my wife & I have already spent a considerable amount of money on the team including taking the team out for pizza after the last game. Please enlighten me on this situation oh wise one! Am I being a jerk for my stance on this?”
I put these two questions together because I think they send an important message. There is a difference between an authority figure making a decision — as you are here, and sticking to it even when there are some complaints about that decision — and an authority figure changing a decision based on a complaint, as the principal did above.
Not everyone is going to agree with everything.
Otherwise we’d live in a totalitarian dictactorship. And everyone wouldn’t agree then either, but they’d all be afraid to say what they really thought.
I agree with your decision here, as I believe the majority of parents reading this question today would as well.
The other parents are teaching their children that they still get rewarded even with their performance is sub-par. That’s fine, they have that right as parent, but why should you have to buy their kids trophies  and endorse their worldview? If they want to buy their kids trophies and reward them, they can do it privately.
I’d stick to your position.
Otherwise the concept of kids getting trophies for sucking gets further ingrained into the culture. You should get a trophy in kid’s sports when your team wins the overall title or if you’re an all star. Trophies should be, in my mind, reserved for excellence in competition.
Giving trophies to everyone is how this country ended up with safe spaces and trigger words. We’ve got to stop coddling every kid.
Good for you.
(Fortunately this trophy trend has not spread to my kids in all sports. My middle kid plays every sport and has yet to receive any trophies for merely playing football, baseball or basketball. But, guess what, both of my kids got participation trophies for soccer. Which just confirms every right wingers insult of soccer.)
“I’m in my late-twenties and work a very boring white collar job in a close-quarters cubicle farm. I noticed a while ago that one of my coworkers (who seems normal at work, although I’ve never seen him outside of work) keeps a box of disposable earplugs in his desk drawer, like the kind you would buy at Home Depot. I’ve never seen him use them, but it really got my curiosity enough to ask him what they were for. He just shrugged and said “for the restrooms.” I was like, “Come again?” and he proceed to explain that he hates hearing other people shit and stir in the stalls next to him, so when he goes in to drop a Huey Long, he always puts in earplugs so he can isolate himself from anyone else in the restroom. It’s worth noting that our company restroom has six stalls in a row, so you can imagine the traffic the morning following Taco Tuesdays.
He seemed so comfortable with his explanation that I’m now at a loss… is he a genius or a sociopath? Like, should I start following him on Twitter or should I always keep a clear path to an exit when he’s around?”
First, I appreciate people who are eccentrics and embrace decisions that others might believe are ridiculous. It’s been my experience that people like this are actually the most interesting to talk with or befriend. So I’d be inclined to find out what other unique moves he embraces. Maybe he’s a closet genius.
I also like the fact that he was 100% honest with you. He could have lied, but I love that he just shared this move.
Having said that, if it bothered you that much why not just put in ear buds and listen to your favorite music or a podcast while you poop? I think it’s odd to be bothered by the sound of other people pooping, but I personally find it much stranger to poop in total silence.
This seems like a sociopathic, serial killer move to me.
Think about what this guy is doing, he’s just sitting there in complete silence going to the bathroom. There is absolutely no sound as he drops a deuce, he’s mute pooping.
Then he throws away his ear plugs after and rinses his hands and steps back into a world of sound?
Now don’t get me wrong here, there is nothing better than being in a public bathroom with no one else around.
In fact, there isn’t a single person reading this right now who doesn’t love a nice, clean public bathroom that’s completely empty when you can go spread out in the handicap stall. Then if the door opens while you’re pooping in the handicap stall what do you immediately hope? I mean, aside from it actually being a handicapped person who needs to use the stall and is going to be giving you the evil eye from their wheelchair or crutches while you’re luxuriating in your penthouse of poop accommodations. You root for it to be someone going to pee, right? So they will be done quickly and leave you alone. There’s nothing worse than pooping and having someone else poop in the stall next to you.
The last time I was pooping by myself in the handicap stall I started wondering why this was. Why do we prefer to poop in solitude? The only thing I could think is people must have gotten killed by other people while pooping all the time back in the ancient, caveman times.
Because doesn’t it seem like pooping together would actually be the smart decision back then? I mean think about it, back in the day when you left the village, wouldn’t you want other dudes standing guard so you didn’t get kidnapped or attacked by rival villagers while you were pooping? Not to mention, think about all the predatory animals that take you out while you were pooping. Remember, you have to leave the village to poop otherwise you life in constant filth and grow up to be an Alabama or Kentucky fan. This has to be the single best time for a lion or tiger to attack, right, in the middle of a poop, right? You’re totally defenseless. (Maybe the silent pooper is actually primordial and his other senses were more acute if he took away sound?)
In fact, if you really think about it, pooping was probably one of the most dangerous things ancient man could do.
Yet I bet every single person reading this right now prefers to poop in solitude and gets upset, at least a little bit, when other people come and intrude on us while we poop in public restrooms.
So I think there must be an innate biological desire, created over tens of thousands of years, to prefer to poop in peace and quiet and solitude all by yourself. The only reason I can think of for this is because our ancestors used to get killed by other humans while pooping all the time.
Now this theory only works for members of the same sex.
I understand why members of the opposite sex wouldn’t want to see each other pooping. It’s a tiny, tiny segment of the population that gets aroused by defecation. (You sick bastards). But my theory that men used to kill other men while pooping makes complete sense. Aside from sleep, pooping would be the single most dangerous moment of life for any man.

“With the recent mega millions drawing going over a billion dollars, me and my friends were having an argument about what we’d do for a billion dollars. The question was asked, “Would you suck a dick a day for a billion dollars?” I said no doubt I would, and I was called crazy. We voted and the results were 8-1, with me being the one, that would do it. 

The parameters were established that you’d have to suck one dick every day until you were 55. It was just a normal average dick, and you would have to do it until the guy finished. Also, no one else but you and the guy would know that’s what you do for money.

Assuming you’re 22 it would come out to about $83,000 a day. 

My argument is that after a while it’s just another daily chore to you. You do it and then collect your $83,000. You would never have to actually work, you would have plenty of money to do what you please, and you would be able to retire at 55.

Since you are the go to gay, wise, and fair judge. We have come to you to decide the billion dollar question. As a straight guy, is sucking a dick a day worth a billion dollars?”

I think this is a no brainer, you suck a dick a day until you have enough money to retire. I’m not sure I’d suck a dick a day for 33 straight years, but would I suck a dick a day for ten years to get several hundred million dollars?

Zero doubt.

The easy way to think about this, to me, is thusly: how many jobs are worse than sucking a dick?

And the answer is, I think almost all of them are.

And people do those jobs all day long every day for years until they can retire.

I wouldn’t even care that much if people knew that this was my job. Are you really going to argue that working in middle management for some crappy insurance company is somehow better than figuring out a way to get filthy rich being a straight guy sucking dicks for a living? On the one hand you’re just metaphorically sucking a dick for the rest of your life while working a a shitty job, on the other hand you’re literally sucking a dick for a few minutes a day. To me this is a no brainer.

Again, I think eventually I’d quit because I’d be like, “I’m worth $400 million now, I don’t need to suck a dick every day anymore,” but $83k a day in cash is an absolute ton of money.

Plus, think about it, while I assume you’d stink at dick sucking for a while and it would take a decent amount of time to get good at it, after a while you’d become a dick sucking expert and be done in like four minutes, tops.

That’s twenty thousand dollars per minute you have a dick in your mouth.

So far I have an unblemished record of heterosexuality, but think about how many women and gay men suck dicks for free. Over half the American population will, at some point in his or her life, suck a dick for free.

And you’re going to make me one of the richest people in America for doing it?

This is a no brainer.

Again, I wouldn’t like it, but most people don’t like their jobs and get paid a ton less to do it.

Another way to think about this, would you rather do the worst job in America for four minutes a day — this is even assuming this is the worst job, by the way — or the best job in America for 12 hours a day? Wouldn’t everyone have to pick the worst job? (That’s even assuming the job you’d get to do for 12 hours a day is awesome. Because even the best job in America would get old eventually. For instance, I’m sure playing golf on the PGA Tour is great, but eventually I’m sure golfers get tired of playing golf every day. Just like I’m sure baseball players get tired of playing baseball every day. If you do something all day long every day eventually the joy disappears. I mean, if you had to jerk off every day for work, I’m sure eventually you’d be like, “Really, I have to jerk off again today?”)

So you have to suck a dick a day here.

It’s the only reasonable answer when you just dive in from a purely factual basis and strip away all the emotion involved.

I don’t even think it would hurt you that much from a dating perspective. Because you’d be filthy rich and unlike most filthy rich dudes who work all the time to get filthy rich, you’d just have to work like four minutes a day. You’d have a ton of time to help take care of the kids. Women would love this.

Plus, as you got richer, if you didn’t want to get married, you could just turn this into a daily orgy. You could have a team of smoking hot girls servicing you while you serviced the dude. You could actually turn this into a fun part of your day. Or even stack them all up orgy style and knock out seven in a day during the orgy and take off the next week from work.

Your friends are idiots and you’re the smart one.

Zero doubt.

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Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.