Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to strip away all of your work productivity.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Okay, here we go:
“The wife and I are taking the kids to Disney World and she is insisting we wear custom made T-shirts.  She has offered to give me sex 10 times anytime I want it when we get back, but I’m not sure if I trust her.
Should I at least get half of that deal before we go?  
I’ve been married for 15 years with 2 boys, so you can understand how much sex that is.”
Definitely. I’d even argue for more than half beforehand. I think you may have to get eight of the sexual encounters beforehand. Now she might not trust you to wear the tshirts after — which is why I think you guys should compromise at five — but you should start with a higher level ask than just a split.
Under no circumstances can you wear the family tshirts without getting at least five sexual payments before you leave for the trip.
No way your wife follows through with all ten once she gets you in the tshirt.
“My girlfriend, her parents, and I all cheer for the same team. However, her parents are very casual fans and do not follow college football closely. Additionally, they are annoying to watch games with because they constantly questions, make small talk, talk over the TV, and are not fully engaged with the game.
I explained to my girlfriend that to her parents, college football is something to do on Saturday afternoons. But to me, college football is my hobby. Nobody wants to be interrupted when they are enjoying their hobby, and my girlfriend surprisingly agrees.
To my girlfriend’s credit, she got good last season at crafting excuses to her parents week-to-week on why we could not watch the game with them. But to my girlfriend’s parents’ credit, they are persistent and are already asking what we are doing for the first game with the hopes of us watching it with them. There is also the barrier of them living nearby, so we can’t go all out Urban Liar by saying we are out of town or at the game. 
I get along well with her parents and do not wish to burn any bridges with them, so I feel that being straightforward by telling them we don’t like watching the game with other people would only create division. 
However, this weekly excuse crafting is not sustainable long-term. Of course, I have thought about compromises such as proposing we only talk during commercials, but there is value in being able to watch the game at my own house in my boxers on the couch. 
King Solomon of the Internet, can you put your lawyer hat on and propose a solution to nip this problem in the bud before football season begins?”
I think you have three options here that could all work. The first option is to tell part of the truth, tell them that you are so superstitious that you don’t want to watch the game on the same television as your in-laws.
That way you have one TV with a relaxed, hang out vibe and the other television is your kick back and get serious television that you watch by yourself.
Option two is you invite the in-laws over to watch the not very serious games. These are the three or four games that you feel most comfortable your team is going to win. The risk here, of course, is that your team plays crappy in a game you expect them to win and your in-laws are barely paying attention and you’re stressed out and angry at them for not allowing you to focus on the game. (It’s also possible that your team has no games you feel comfortable they are going to win in which case your entire life is brutal.)
Option three is you say you and your wife are watching those games with friends this fall, but say you’ve missed hanging out with your in-laws and plan either breakfast on Saturday or a meal on Sunday all fall with them. I suspect what the in-laws want is not the game at all, but the time with their daughter.
Having said all of this, I’m assuming you and your wife have no kids yet. Because once you have kids, I have to be honest, the idea of ever watching a game in peace again is pretty much gone forever.
My kids are just now starting to watch games with me, but for the past decade every football game has been a minefield of kids fighting, pooping, and screaming.
Hell, even having hobbies once you have multiple kids is a luxury.
So while I applaud your wife for being willing to work with you here, the reality is that if you have kids you’ll be begging for the in-law’s to come over on Saturday so you can have some blessed peace for a few moments, much less an entire game.
Good luck.
“My buddies and I have a huge dilemma and need the help of the almighty one. A few months back, one of the guys was asked to a wedding this weekend (fall wedding… stupid right?). He already informed the girl that he would not be attending because of his lack of feelings and prior commitments.
Now, we are students at an SEC school and of course our team is playing this weekend in a big, season deciding game. Another girl asked our same buddy to the same wedding. The kicker is that the second girl is really good friends with the first girl. Our friend has feelings for the second girl, yet the first girl still has feelings for our friend.
To try and save him, we are attempting to get him to just stay in town and enjoy some beers and college football. We need you to be the deciding opinion. Should our friend stay and enjoy the Christmas of college football or should he go to the wedding and have a miserable, drama filled time. Also, he is obligated to video a girl’s fight if one goes down at the wedding, right?”
The fact that going to the wedding is even a consideration, honestly, makes me weep for the future of America.
What kind of red-blooded SEC football loving men would ever let their buddy leave town for a random wedding on the day of a big game?
Unless it is a close family member’s wedding, no college kid should ever leave campus on a big game day in the fall for a wedding. (And even if it’s a close family member’s wedding, why did they have the wedding in the fall? Unless the bride is pregnant they hate all of you).
I hate to call you guys out, but I’m legitimately unsure if any of you have functional penises. You need to all stare down at your nether regions right now and make sure you aren’t Ken dolls.
Having said all of this, even if it weren’t a fall wedding your buddy rejected a girl’s invite to a wedding because he didn’t like her and then was considering accepting from her friend who he likes more? What an asshole move. Also, there’s no way the second girl didn’t know about the first girl’s invite. A catfight is definitely possible, but your buddy needs to not trust the second girl at all.
“I’m in my early 30s and have just started a new job in a new state. My family is behind wrapping things up on our house and all that, probably for a month or 2 (hopefully). I’ve never really watched porn- no reason why, just never have- but now that I’m alone for the next couple months, I’ve found myself being lured in that direction. But here is the question… What do I watch? I have no idea what to do here. I of course like boobs (I’m a straight American male), but is it as simple as searching “boobs”? Is there a particular porn star I should watch or a genre? 
Since you’re the great Purveyor of Porn, I thought you’d be able to help me out.”
I can’t believe there is any man in his thirties who lives in America and is a porn virgin.
So just go to pornhub.com and figure out what you like the best by clicking around.
There’s every category under the sun so I have no idea what you’d like, but as a general rule I’d say start with college girls and work out from there. I don’t know very many guys who would say, “You know, I’m just not really into hot girls ages 18-22, they’ve just never really done it for me.”
College girls are like the chicken tenders or pizza of porn, even if you don’t really like it that much, it’s still pretty good.
“I recently saw someone write in about a guy frequently in a gym locker room with a hard on. Well at my local LA Fitness somebody one upped that by feverishly jerking it in the shower. And not even pointed against the wall, back against the wall staring out at everyone. I told this story to my coworkers later that day and brought up the question of what if this had been a place where you’re allowed to use the bathroom of your choice and this guy did this in the girl’s locker room? The liberals of the group quickly tried to say that’s a totally different situation and not related, but I think you have to consider it. A guy does this in the men’s room and i think worst case someone takes exception to it and gets violent. If a guy does this is the girl’s room though is this not national news with everyone debating the efficacy of the whole ‘use whatever bathroom feels right rule’? What do you think?”
What did everyone else in the locker room do when this happened?
I think you have to have major psychological issues to do this and I think you should be banned, at the very least, from the gym for all time for doing so. (And, honestly, this seems borderline criminal in nature.)
I’m not an alarmist when it comes to which bathroom people use — my general rule is use the bathroom of the sex that you most resemble. Otherwise I think the entire transgender bathroom issue is pretty much designed to create unnecessary arguments between the left and right.
But here’s an angle of the sports locker room debate that never gets brought up — women media walk into men’s locker rooms with naked dudes walking around all over the place all the time. And it’s considered offensive to suggest that they shouldn’t be allowed there.
But male media aren’t allowed into women’s pro sports locker rooms at all.
And you’d be considered sexist for arguing they should be.
So why are the sexes treated differently here? Shouldn’t all pro athletes, regardless of gender, have the same policies in place. That’s why I’ve always thought the idea of locker rooms being open to media was strange. I’ve been there and it’s definitely weird to walk around fully clothed while naked dudes are walking around. Hell, think about how ridiculous it is to interview a naked dude while yo’re standing beside him fully clothed.
That happens sometimes.
And it’s always incredibly weird.
I don’t see why rocker rooms are open to media at all, honestly.
“I’m a mid-20’s white guy (this detail has a part to play later) who can’t read women when it pertains to me. So I need your help dissecting a situation for me.
I work for this organization part time.
In the department, there are some interns. One in particular I’ve worked with/known for about 2 years is of middle eastern descent. Well, she and I have rarely ever talked and I’ve usually found her annoying, albeit physically attractive. Recently we have interacted more — only at work — and I would say there’s been moderate flirtation.
Well, she has access to this ice cream machine and when she offered to bring me a cup, I asked for vanilla. When she returned, she brought me a cup of the “twist” kind (chocolate + vanilla). She also delivered a quip when she handed it to me, but I don’t recall what it was because my mind was preoccupied thinking this was some kind of subliminal message. Am I onto something here?”
The quip matters so it’s hard to definitively say her intent without knowing what she said.
For instance, was the vanilla machine not working? If so, and she said, “Vanilla wasn’t working so I thought you needed some chocolate in your life,” that’s suggestive, but not as suggestive as if the vanilla machine was working and she brought back the swirl and said, “I thought you needed some chocolate in your life.”
Also, what if the vanilla machine wasn’t working and she brought you back the swirl and she said, “Vanilla wasn’t working so I got you the swirl instead.” Isn’t that the logical move you would make in this situation? I say all this because the quip matters a great deal.
Having said that, if the vanilla machine was working this girl probably went back to her friends and was like, “What else do I have to do to get this guy to ask me out? I took him a chocolate swirl mixed with vanilla and made a sexual comment. I can’t be any more obvious.”
And she’s probably right.
Short of bringing you a hot dog and inserting it into a donut over and over again and saying, “We should do what the hot dog is doing to the donut,” I don’t know how much more suggestive you can get with food at work.
The only thing that makes me nervous here is the part where you said she’s an intern. Can you date an intern? Most people can’t.
But assuming that’s not an issue — and I’d check to make sure it’s not beforehand because you seem pretty clueless — then why wouldn’t you ask her out. It sounds like she’s begging you to do so.
Good luck.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.