Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

I’m out in LA for the rest of this week so I won’t be on the radio. I’ll have good news from out here soon, but in the meantime, I’m recording Ben Shapiro’s podcast with him today. I’m really looking forward to that, should be a lot of fun and I imagine many of you will really enjoy it.

As always, the anonymous mailbag is brought to you by The Home Loan Expert. If you have credit card debt, own your own home and want to wipe out that debt in one day, visit their website today and get it done.

Okay, let’s roll right into the anonymous mailbag.

“I’m not defending Ohio State or Zack Smith, but if you’re given the opportunity to go to the White House taking a dick pic has to be a top five thing to do while there.”

I think there are only two things to do at the White House: 1. meet the president 2. tour the White House and see as many cool parts of the West Wing and the residence as you can.

I’m not even sure there’s a number three on the list.

Fortunately, I missed the dick pic generation. (The only dick pics in my generation were the creepy photos you’d see back in the day of Adult Friend Finder where the guy would be standing naked and have his arm across his eyes like he was dabbing before dabbing existed.)

I’ve been to the White House and three things would happen if I sent my wife a dick pic from there: 1. My wife would be horrified and not sleep with me when I got back. 2. I’d be terrified somehow the FBI, NSA or CIA would find out about it. 3. I’d accidentally Tweet or Instagram or Facebook out a picture of my dick while trying to attach another picture from my camera roll. 100% chance this happens to me. That’s why I won’t ever be dick pic guy.

Plus, I find the idea of trying to take a perfect dick pic to be absurdly ridiculous. At some point while you’re all scrunched over snapping a picture of your dick and trying to make your dick look as impressive as possible — “I need two more pumps here before I click this picture,” you have to realize how absurd your life has become, right?

On the flip side, if I were a teenager right now and girls were regularly sending out nudes in high school, I would think I died and went to heaven. I used to jerk off to scrambled screen Playboy and now the hottest girl in high school has naked photos floating around? I’m so glad I’ve got three boys. This way I just have to worry about three dicks instead of an entire country — and world — worth of dicks.

Honestly, the more I think about it, there’s a 0% chance I could get an erection in the White House bathroom. So maybe Zack Smith deserves more credit for this than we’re giving him.  Because I’d assume they have cameras everywhere and next thing you know you’re on the terrorist watch list at airports because you took a dick pic in the White House. I mean, seriously, are you telling me the NSA isn’t monitoring every text message sent from the White House to ensure state secrets aren’t escaping via photos? Come on, they 100% know about every dick pic.

Furthermore, I just find it impossible to believe that any girl who was sleeping with me would be turned on by my dick at the White House. In fact, if you’re banging a girl who is more turned on by you sending a dick pic to her than by the fact that you’re at the White House, you’re probably banging the wrong girl and it will eventually hurt to pee if you keep banging her.

Final thought, how much different is American history if high quality camera cell phones had been invented fifty years ago? Is there any way JFK and Bill Clinton ever get elected president? Can you imagine the shit they would have gotten into with cell phones?

I’m going to be stunned if every president for the rest of human history isn’t naked somewhere on the cloud.

“Can you lay out the etiquette rules of attending a kids birthday party? I have a 5 year old and we are deep in the birthday party circuit, most of the time I lose the coin flip with my wife and have to take her. By no means do I expect to generate lifetime friendships with some of these people but I find it extremely rude when you look around and 1-2 parents are just sitting there, heads buried in their phone. What’s your take here? My wife thinks it’s not a big deal, I find it extremely rude and think the parents should at least make small talk…..worst case scenario it makes the 2 hours go by faster.”

First, I think no parent should have to stay at another kid’s birthday party if they don’t want to do so. (If you don’t show up and stay at your own kid’s birthday party, you’re a total asshole.)

Second, I think it matters where the party is when it comes to interaction with other parents. If it’s at one of those jump houses or glow golfs or a public venue where the person is paying for the birthday party to be held there, I think it should be standard operating procedure to just drop off your kids and leave until you return to pick your kid up. That’s what you are paying for, for the staff to help assist with the party and make sure the kids don’t kill each other. (I do think you should stay at a swimming party, however, because those can be legitimately dangerous).

If it’s at someone’s home, I still think you can leave, but I think it’s rude if you stay and, for instance, pull out a book and sit in a chair and don’t talk to anyone there. If you stay at a birthday party at someone’s house you have to be social.

Two of my kids have September birthdays so we are planning a dual party now and I’m more concerned with football game conflicts than anything else. So we’re doing a Sunday birthday party at four in the afternoon central time. That way we avoid all Saturday game conflicts and the Titans game is over at three central, meaning people can watch the game — even attend it if they want to — and then come over from four to six or so.

My wife is concerned that’s too late for Sunday birthday parties, but I think avoiding college football and the NFL is key when it comes to fall birthdays. If you happen to be a fan of another NFL team that’s on you to work out. The best you can do is avoid the local team’s NFL game and every college game. You can’t put the birthday party on a weekday.

Finally, and maybe I’m a total dick here, but I’d rather read a book or check my email and get work done than pretend I have some great connection with other parents at a jumphouse birthday party because our kids happen to be in the same classroom at school. If our kids like each other, that’s great, but I work like seventy or eighty hours a week. I don’t have time to hang out with my actual friends, the odds of me wanting to spend a weekend hanging with a parent I just met are essentially zero.

Now, I’ll make an exception for sports teams here because I do think you get to know other parents pretty well over the course of a season in a kid’s league. There are lots of practices and games and you get to know the other kids and root for them too. That’s perfectly normal and I like that aspect of parenting, but just meeting someone at a random birthday party and wanting to hang out or spend several hours talking with them? I’d rather dodge these things. That’s why my wife is usually in charge of birthday parties.

To be honest, I’m kind of a recluse now. I wake up around 4:20 AM for the radio and work all day from home. During the week I leave my house for the gym and my kid’s events and that’s about it. In fact, I know I’m getting to be an old man because when I’m in the house and people ring our doorbell instead of knocking I lose my mind.

Our doorbell is like a church bell tower, it echoes throughout the entire house.

Every morning one of my kid’s friends meets him to ride their bikes to school and this morning I’m standing outside the house telling him he doesn’t need to ring the doorbell and can just knock from now on instead. I feel like such an old man.

This doorbell thing has really become a big deal for me since we had kids. We had signs put up because everyone would ring the doorbell while the kids were sleeping and they’d wake up and I’d lose my mind. When you’ve got young kids and you can get them down for naps it’s the only sane part of your day.

Odds are if you’re ringing the doorbell at my house in the middle of the day you can do everything you need to do without ringing the doorbell. The guy who really drives me crazy is the bug spray guy, because he rings the doorbell, wakes all the kids up, and then isn’t even there when you get to the door. I’ll open the door and he’ll be halfway down the house and he’ll turn and say, “Just wanted to let you know I was here.”

And I’ll be like, “Why did I need to know you were here? If I see you, I know. If I don’t that’s fine too.”

Anyway, I hate doorbells and I’m not afraid to admit it.

“My wife and I got in our car after a recent MLB game and we’re stuck in the parking structure while waiting for it to clear. We noticed there were couples (guy/girl and girl/girl) in the cars on either side of us making out. My wife was mortified by the fact that they were making out in public. I, on the other hand, saw it as a challenge and felt like we needed to keep up. She was quite upset later about the fact that I brought it up. We’ve been married for almost 16 years, but I feel like in our younger days we would’ve kept up with them and made out too. Not so much anymore. Am I crazy that this is a missed opportunity? Or are we too old for that (40 & 39)? We need an arbitrator on this one!”

When we’d only been married a few years, but before we got married, I convinced my wife we should make out in the car to spice up our sex life.

My wife was like, “I don’t want to do that, the cops will see us.”

And I was like, “Are you crazy? There’s no way the cops will see us.”

So we go park on the side of a road in suburban Nashville — out of the way, no one around — and start to make out and like three minutes later a cop pulls up. We had just started making out so we were still fully clothed, but the cop is shining his light in on us and my wife is mortified.

This is before I was remotely famous or even infamous so I wasn’t really afraid of getting arrested, but the cop let us go with a warning because we were fully clothed and married. Honestly, I think if you’re married and your wife is willing to have sex with you in the car instead of getting arrested the cop should give you a get out of jail free card. If you’re married with kids and your wife is willing to do this, the cop should go buy you Sonic for post-sex tator tots.

Can we also talk about what an incredible job it must be to bust people having sex and get paid for it? This has to be the top cop assignment. You get to see naked people and there’s zero danger.

Anyway, as a result of this experience there’s a 0% chance my wife would make out with me in a car even if we were stuck in a parking garage and everyone else was doing it.

I wouldn’t do this now either because I worry about getting arrested now because i have kids and it would go in the newspaper and I don’t want to embarrass them more than I already am by being a dad with a public job. If I got arrested for having sex with my wife in a parked car it would probably be on the front page of the local newspaper. But other than my kids finding out when they start googling their parents is that really something you should have to apologize for? I feel like most of you, if you heard I got arrested having sex with my wife in a parked car, would actually be pretty happy for me.

No way any jury in Nashville convicts me of this crime either.

But my kids would probably disown me.

“Before 2010, which is Instagram’s inception, did anyone really have a damn party inviting family, friends, co-workers, or doing a live video feed for total strangers online to view the revealing of the sex of their spawn? 

Generally, getting invited over to someone’s house on a Saturday afternoon to drink beers and eat free food is a delight for a BBQ, however doing so to tell me you’re going to have a daughter/son really makes me want to disavow our friendship.  WHO CARES!?  #StopGenderRevealParties2K18″

Am I an asshole for saying most people don’t care what sex your baby is?

I mean, I understand if it’s your baby — it’s a huge deal to you what sex the baby is — and to your immediate family members if you haven’t had very many babies recently in the family. (Every grandchild decreases the interest by 50% after the first one. My sister has three kids and I have three kids and all of them are between the ages of 10 and 3. By the time our third was born, everyone was pretty much over it. If we’d had a fourth kid, I’m not sure my parents would have even come to the hospital.) But there are an average of like eight people who care about this — you, your wife, your parents, her parents and your brothers and sisters and her brothers and sisters, maybe. And once you have one of each sex no one cares at all.

I don’t even remember hearing of gender reveals prior to social media existing.

And the only gender reveals I care about now are the ones that go horribly wrong, like when the dads take the pitch and don’t swing and the gender reveal happens when the ball splats on the ground. Or when Gordon Hayward is clearly wishing for a boy and gets a third girl.

I also can’t wait until the PC Bromani army starts to attack gender reveals over the fact that we’re saying whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl before the child is even born. How dare you not let the baby pick its gender? What if the baby doesn’t want to acknowledge its penis or vagina?

If I were a single guy I might try and get out of these parties by making that argument — “I’m troubled by society’s insistence on limiting us to two genders. Also, pink and blue are sexist and patriarchal representations of modern gender issues. So I’m not going.”

If you’ve got a liberal girlfriend this argument will blow her mind.

“A buddy and I — both mid 30s, hate our good jobs, bored often at work — ran out of stuff to compete against each other or bet on during the dog days of baseball. So on August 1st we decided to see who pooped the most during the month of August. 

Currently, I am down (or up) 48-34 for the month. He claims that he is winning, but now we’re arguing over whether more or less poops is “winning”. We have polled our fantasy baseball league, and the argument is pretty split. His wife and my girlfriend prefer not to get involved. What do you think? Who is winning?”

I think less poops has to be considered winning because you can break out your poop sessions to make them insubstantial but numerous. That is, you can poop not very much and do it often to increase your poop numbers. This is like poop juicing.

The real skill here is is not needing to use the bathroom.

The problem is if you really hate your job a bathroom break can be the most fun thing to do all day.

So I’m not sure either of you are winning here.

“I have an issue with a family member’s behavior with our young daughter. The guy is a huge people pleaser and everyone in the family loves him. In the last 6 months or so, we’ve had a few things happen that really bothered my wife. She approached me about it recently and I could see her point, but also think some of it could be just the way the guy is – even though he should know better because he has (older) kids, too.

Some details of the behavior include:

  • A couple of instances where he picked her up and tickled her (several other people were in the room) and she told him to stop and he didn’t immediately
  • At a birthday party he was the only adult in the play area with a couple of the kids, including our daughter – at one point our view of he and two of the kids was obstructed by a wall in the play area my wife walked back there to be safe
  •      Also at the party, he was bouncing on a bouncy ball while holding her on it in front of him – which the thought of this now makes my wife want to vomit

What’s really bothering us is that our daughter has acted differently when he has been around a few times this year. She used to always get excited when she’d see him, but the last time we told her he was coming over she became upset and said she didn’t want to see him. This is one of those things where you can’t be certain – our daughter has gone days when she didn’t want anything to do with various people close to her.

As a parent, Clay, you’re probably aware of grooming techniques and are diligent in keeping an eye on things. I don’t think the guy has done anything to our daughter, but perhaps he is grooming the situation. But how can you know?

So here’s where we’re struggling. We are hesitant to discuss our concern about his behavior with any family members. Again, he is very well liked and aims to please everyone. The implied allegation by mentioning the concern to someone would hurt a lot of people and probably ruin some close relationships. Not mentioning it to anyone makes me feel like it’s going to hurt people, too, because we will be less likely to want to hang out when he is around – and if we do, we’ll be on edge watching his every move. I’ve even considered just telling him my concern one-on-one and watching his reaction, but maybe he has a great poker face.

It’s a tough spot to be in, for sure. Clearly, we can’t risk something happening to our daughter and that will take priority over everything else. There’s no way to be positively sure on this unless the worst possible thing happens!

We’re supposed to travel to visit him and his family in a few weeks and we’re not comfortable with that idea right now. What would you do – cancel our visit? talk to someone in the family about it? confront the guy about our concerns and tell him to stop doing certain things? I’d appreciate an outside perspective on this.”

You may be overreacting, but I don’t think you can overreact in a situation like this. If you feel uncomfortable with your daughter near this guy then I wouldn’t let your daughter be anywhere near him by herself.

Having said that, I probably wouldn’t say anything directly to him because if the guy is 100% innocent it has to be overwhelming to get essentially accused of child molestation. That basically ends all relationship with that family forever.

And would you blame him? You’re essentially accusing him of the worst thing to accuse another person of in our modern society. I can’t think of anything worse to say about someone than that he’s a pedophile.

Here’s what I’d consider saying instead: Tell them your daughter’s day care had an issue with a teacher who was tickling the children too frequently — nothing that rose to the level of criminal behavior, but just inappropriate touching behavior — and as a result your daughter has become hyper sensitive to other people touching her. So you’re asking for every other adult to just give her space and not touch her at all.

If he refuses to comply with this request then something is wrong with him and you can confront him directly about his failure to comply with your instructions.

Good luck.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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