Anonymous Mailbag

Northern Michigan in summer is fantastic. All I need is a bald eagle on my shoulder and I’d never lose any election in this country. pic.twitter.com/lAJZuTZfQh

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) July 30, 2018

Before we get started with the anonymous mailbag, I want to ask you a question: do you have way too much credit card debt? If you do, and you own your own home, you need to contact my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert and let him wipe out that credit card debt you’re carrying at high interest rates and replace it with a very low interest rate mortgage. Seriously, if you have credit card debt, own a home, and are carrying that credit card debt around month to month with insanely high interest rates, it’s time to get out of the debt crunch and make a smart financial decision. Go to The HomeLoanExpert.com today and get a new mortgage.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“Imagine if every time you masturbate the person you masturbate to finds out? Like some girl you made out with freshman year of college got an alert that you were masturbating to her at 1:14 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Imagine the awkwardness next time you see your sister in law? Or your boss’ wife? Chaos I tell you, chaos.” 

I would watch this movie or read this book.

I mean, this would be absolutely phenomenal. In fact, this is such an incredible question it’s possible this idea has been discussed elsewhere before. But I haven’t heard it before which is why my mind is blown by the idea.

First, I’d love to see the ratio here, guys have to be jerking off, on average, seven to eight times more than women, right? So women would be inundated with these notifications. And some guys would hardly ever get any notification at all. Confession: I have definitely thought, I wonder who the best looking girl to ever masturbate while fantasizing about me. (It’s possible no one has. But, still, wouldn’t you love to know your top ten? This would be revolutionary knowledge.)

Plus, the awkwardness possibilities here are off the charts. You thought it was awkward when you accidentally liked a six year old Instagram bikini picture of your step-sister? Buddy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

My second thought is that the exposure and embarrassment danger here would lead to guys only jerking off to famous women and the famous women would have to turn off their notifications because can you imagine what this would have been like for Jenna Jameson back in the early days of porn on the Internet? How about Marilyn Monroe back in the 1950’s when there were only like three good looking women on the planet? Or Pamela Anderson in the early 1990’s?

But if you really want to ensure chaos, what if in addition to the girl the girl’s dad found out every time too? Is there anything funnier than the dad of a hot college freshman’s phone just exploding with jerk off notifications after she posts new bikini photos on Instagram and the entire freshman class goes to town? Can you imagine how pissed he would be when his phone just exploded at one in the morning?

What about, god forbid, when the dad starts getting these notifications when the daughter is in high school? There are legitimately some 15 year old’s jerking off to their daughter ten times a day during the summer. What about the high school econ teacher? His law partner? We’re talking absolute chaos, indeed.

Seriously, this is one of the most remarkably fun hypothetical questions of all time.

This needs to be a movie. Or a TV series.

“I was out this weekend with a small group after a wedding and we ended up at a crowded bar. Upon entering, we secured a table. I then went to use the restroom. When I came back, I saw someone in our party handing a phone from the table to one of the employees. I thought nothing of it and assumed someone earlier in the night had lost it. 

Quickly, with little warning, a middle aged woman and her adult daughter appeared (no men present with either of them). The woman was screaming at people in our party for “stealing her table” while they danced. At some point, she splashed a drink on my girlfriend. I confronted the woman immediately and a shouting match ensued. The sequence of events is a bit hazy, but at some point she made contact with another girl in our group. Nothing dangerous by any stretch, but a small slap. Pushing and shoving then took place and the woman and her daughter were escorted out. 

As you could imagine, my girlfriend was very upset. She had an expensive dress on that was soaked in alcohol. The other girl was also upset at being hit and the night was effectively ruined. 

My question to you is what should I have done in this situation? My girlfriend was mad at me for not sticking up for her, but I felt like I did what I could. I confronted the woman and thought the situation was on its way to being resolved. I obviously had no idea a slap was coming. Is there anything else I could have done? Everything happened quickly and without warning, but I still don’t envision many circumstances that permit me to put my hands on her.”

You did everything you could, maybe even more than I would have done. I think the women had to handle this. If a guy had been acting up over this issue then you would have had the responsibility to be involved, but I don’t think you can do anything more because you have to assume everything ends up on video.

Worst of all, you have to assume that the video is probably going to be edited to make you look as bad as possible. So let’s say you step in and try to keep the women from fighting and in the melee you push a woman away and she falls because she’s drunk or because it’s dark, the bar is crowded, the floor is wet and it’s easy to fall. Or, even worse, she sees you have an expensive watch on and she flops like LeBron in the NBA Finals and the next thing you know you’re being charged with assault and getting extorted in a lawsuit based on a thirty second video of a bar fight and you haven’t done anything wrong at all.

If you’re a guy the simple truth is this, you just have to wear it if a woman starts wailing away on you like Mike Tyson in his heyday because if you do anything other than take the beating you probably are going to end up being the bad guy.

So your girlfriend has no reason to be angry at you at all.

You want to know something crazy that happened to me flying up to Michigan on Friday? I was late getting to the airport so I was in the middle seat on a Southwest flight. I pulled out my laptop to work on the Friday mailbag and the area is so tight in the middle seat of a Southwest row of seats that I could barely work. But occasionally I would lightly graze the woman to my right’s shoulder or arm while I was typing on my keyboard.

I mean, we’re talking barely touch her with my elbow while typing on my laptop.

About thirty minutes into the flight she just suddenly flips out on me and says I’d better not touch her arm with my elbow again. And I’m sitting there thinking, what the hell do I do now? How can I work and how do I handle a crazy woman next to me. Every seat is taken on the flight so it’s not like I can move and this fifty year old woman is close to losing her mind beside me because my right elbow is occasionally grazing her as I attempt to finish my Friday mailbag. The guy on the other side of me is asleep so there’s no witness to her flipping out on me for no reason. And I legitimately started to panic a bit then because if this woman got so mad at me for bumping her while typing on my laptop, what if she wasn’t stable? What would I do if she accused me of groping her on the flight?

I’m a public figure of some sort and all I’m doing is working on my laptop, but it would have been her word against mine and this story might go public and then how do I prove that I did absolutely nothing at all wrong? It’s impossible to prove a negative. In other words, it’s impossible for me to prove that I didn’t do anything remotely inappropriate.

Seriously, this is what I’m thinking there as this woman flips out on me.

So I told her I was sorry and explained that I was trying to get work done before I joined my wife and three kids on vacation. And then she basically just melts and says the reason she flipped out on me was because her sister had a serious health scare, was in the hospital, and she was traveling to go see her and hadn’t slept in two days and was afraid she might die.

My point here?

Very often you have nothing to do with creating conflict. It has been my experience that people who are looking for perpetual physical confrontation and conflict like this are seeking to find and take offense because they are unhappy in life.

Avoid these people, male and female, as best you can. But you especially need to avoid them if you’re a man and they’re a woman based on the fact that in today’s society a woman who claims anything is believed over a man who denies it, the truth be damned.

“I’m 23 working in finance making 75k plus per year. Been dating my girlfriend for just over 2 plus years. I honestly love her and there’s a lot of pressure for marriage on my right now by my older coworkers. I just worry that I’m too young and how do I know at 23 that some other smoking lady doesn’t come into my life. Any suggestions?”

Why are your co-workers pressuring you to get married at 23? It sounds to me like you have the worst co-workers on the planet. No one should get married at 23.

Wait until you’re thirty to get married and focus on your career for the next five years. If you’re making $75k at 23 then imagine what you’d be able to achieve by working your ass off for the next five years and not having a wife or children to worry about.

Plus, men aren’t mature enough to get married at this age. Wait and you’ll be a better dad and husband in your thirties.

Work your ass off in your twenties and you’ll be set up to need to work less hard in your thirties. Which will make you a better dad in your thirties and forties.

Trust me, I’m 39 and a much better dad now than I was when my first kid was born at 28. Aging makes men better dads.

“I’m a decently attractive male 27 year old living in Tuscaloosa, AL. Am I too old to go to college bars?

I feel like everyone is either 23 and younger, or older and established enough in their careers to be able to choose to live here. Multiple times I’ve been in bars and get the ‘Wait, how old are you?’ both from people older and younger than I am – depending on what bar I am in.

Do I just keep going to college bars and pretend to be young? Do I keep hanging around the 50+ year old Bama boosters and hope that they leave me a million dollars in their will?”

You’re in an awkward spot right now in a tough place to live. It’s a city predicated on college kids or young married couples or older people and you’re none of these things.

Having said that, I’d hang out with the college crowd over hanging out with the older crowd. My reason for this is simple, you will always be able to hang out with the old people in Tuscaloosa, but you will eventually age out of the college crowd.

No guy ever thinks, at 35, 40, or 45 years old, “Man, I wish I could hang out with the old people today instead of the hot college girls!”

So take advantage of those opportunities while you can.

“Every Thursday a group of my friends get together for happy hour. We rotate houses where the host pays for the food and booze. It’s a great way to kick off the weekend. Discussions usually revolve around sports, politics, and women. Typical guy talk.

This past week a great question came up that we agreed would be perfect for King Solomon of the Internet.

If you cloned yourself and had sex with your clone, would that be considered gay? Or is this like a really expensive, albeit creepy, sex doll, therefore classifying it as masturbation?

Also, if cloning were readily available and morally acceptable, what percentage of the male population do you really think would have sex with their clone?”

If you have sex with a man, that’s gay, period. It doesn’t matter if you have sex with yourself or any other man. Put it this way, would you be like, “Man, that guy who just had sex with his identical twin is super heterosexual.”

Are there actually people out there that want to have sex with themselves? Again, just think about it in the context of sleeping with your identical twin. Even if it’s the two hottest girl twins of all time, it’s still creepy to see.

If there’s anything more than 1% of the population that wants to have sex with their clone then I have no faith in humanity.

Honestly, the fact this was a legitimate debate makes me fear for your friend group.

Now if you want to have a great debate, here’s one, is it cheating if you get a sex robot that looks exactly like your wife at 25 years old and keep having sex with it when she’s fifty and sixty? No way this flies, right?

“My wife is due with our first child on October the 20th. From October the 13th through the 17th I have a trip planned with my boys to go to Vegas. The trip was planned  before the baby was was even a thought. She is urging me to cancel because it is so close to her due date. Do I cancel my trip I’ve had planned with my boys for 2 plus years or pray she doesn’t have the baby and go for it?”

Who plans a Vegas trip two years in advance? Honestly, I think your buddies should agree to move the weekend due to your wife’s pregnancy. Why can’t you all just go a month or two later?

Regardless, the fact that you emailed the anonymous mailbag about whether you should risk a trip to Vegas instead of being there for the birth of your first child makes me virtually certain you’re going to get divorced.

So you might as well go ahead and make sure of it by missing the birth of your first child for Vegas.

That’s a joke, you stay home, dude.

And, honestly, your buddies know when the baby is due, right? If they really want you to be there they should reschedule the weekend too.