Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

But before we get to the anonymous mailbag, if you need an affordable place to stay at Disney World, in Hawaii, or at countless other destinations, check out magicalrealty.com. You can also email them direct at info@magicalrealty.com

And if you aren’t watching our daily Outkick the Show every afternoon at 3 eastern, you’re wasting your life. Here is yesterday’s show:

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“I played in a coed softball game last night and am in a predicament. Long story short, I’m playing shortstop with the bases loaded and field a ground ball in the base line. A girl runs right into me and flat backs herself. I turn two because the play is still going on. I check on the girl that ran into me and after a minute she’s fine and heads back to the dugout. Then her friend starts laying into me and calling me all sorts of names. Whatever, I can handle insults.

Here’s where I need some advice, after the game I’m walking to my car and I see the girl that was chirping with a few friends. They walk by and out of nowhere the girl throws some kind of alcoholic beverage in my face. It stung pretty bad and blinded me for a few minutes.

So as I see it I have one of four options (I obviously couldn’t hit her, you know equality):

1. Press charges, which I already filed a police report.

2. Get her kicked out the league.

3. Sub on the team she is playing against next week and sort it out there.

4. DBAP and go about my business that some chick got away with blasting my face with a drink.”

You were blinded for several minutes? What is this, the WWE?

Number four is your only option here. And, honestly, filing a police report was already a pussy move on your part. Didn’t you feel like a total pussy telling the cop someone threw a beer or a liquor drink on you as the cop filled out a police report? You definitely can’t press charges on her.

If I were you, the next time you see this girl — and I definitely wouldn’t sub in to play against her — I’d just pull her aside and say, “Tossing a drink on me was kind of a dickhead move. I didn’t mean to hurt your friend and you know that now, right?”

Don’t lose your temper or be angry about it when you talk to her. Odds are she’ll agree that it was a dick move on her part and she may apologize to you for her actions. My bet would be that she was really drunk when she did it and upon reflection realized she overreacted. (This also seems like the kind of move a girl makes to try and demonstrate what a good friend she is, but she’s actually not that good of a friend.)

But if she doesn’t apologize, so what? Are you really going to hold this big of a grudge over an incident that left no permanent damage and was over ten minutes after it happened?

Just move on.

Sidenote: the girl you tagged should have not been a pussy too. She could have ended the “defense” from her teammate by saying it was no big deal in the immediate aftermath of the tag. If you play coed sports sometimes you get run into by dudes and those guys are pretty much always bigger, stronger and faster than you are. That happens even if guys are doing their best not to hurt the girls during competition. If this girl wants to play with boys then she needs to be tougher. If your legs work get up even if you get run over, jog off the field, and go silently cry in the corner of the dugout like a real man would. If anyone asks if you are crying claim you got dirt in your eyes when you fell on the field.

I can definitely tell you, having played coed flag football, coed soccer, and coed kickball, that every guy I’ve ever played coed sports with or against is not headhunting trying to take girls out, in fact it’s the exact opposite.

#dbap coed girls sports team members

“Just started an internship this year. It’s the first full-time job I’ve ever had and most days I end up just sitting at my desk hoping to not make it look like I’m doing nothing.

I don’t know if this is a result of my boredom or if I am just a psychopath, but I’ve started jerking off at work fairly often. At least a few times a week. Now if someone else comes in a stall, I immediately stop. I’m not an animal.

Is this acceptable behavior? Do most guys occasionally/frequently jerk off at work? Or am I an outlier here needing to stop and avoid becoming the office sex offender?”

Jerking off is the only legal thing every guy regularly does in private that if you get caught doing it in public your life is basically over.

Seriously, every other thing we do in private if it happened in public, you could defend it. For instance, if you suddenly had to poop on the side of the road in a traffic jam, no one would judge you for it. Everyone would actually feel bad for you. But if you saw a guy pulled over in traffic on the side of the road jerking off you’d think he needs to go straight to jail.

And you’d be right.

Because the need to go to the bathroom is an urge you can’t control, whereas we all expect a guy to be able to control his urge to jerk off.

Having said that, I think a huge percentage of dudes secretly jerk off at work. I would say at least half of all men have jerked off at some time in the bathroom at work. (If you jerk off at your desk you’re a true psychopath who should go to jail immediately). What percentage of women do you think do it? And think about the totally different reactions that discovery entails?

If a decent looking guy gets caught jerking off at work, he’s publicly ridiculed, probably fired, and no girl at the office wants to ever date him. If a hot girl gets caught masturbating at work every guy at the office is in love with her, there’s a fight to date her, and she might end up getting promoted at work.

“I’m sitting in the delivery room awaiting my second kid. My wife has naming rights on this one since I named the first. She still hasn’t picked a name. Would you care to throw a name out there? It’s a baby girl.

Side note, delivery room is not the place to wear your DBAP shirt. Pregnant women lose their sense of humor apparently. But I did change into my Preds shirt instead.”

We only had boys, but if we had a girl we were going to name her Evelyn and call her Eve for short. And by “we” I mean my wife made that entire naming decision.

So you can take that name if you’d like.

Congrats.

“Our buddy shared a story with us of a weekend about a year ago where him and his fiancée at the time traveled to Arkansas for a golf tournament with his close friend and his girlfriend. 

It was a great weekend and all 4 of them went to a party after one of the days of the golf tournament. Everyone got a little too drunk and our buddy passed out drunk on the bed upstairs at the house they were staying at. His buddy’s girlfriend also got a little drunk and passed out in their room upstairs. 

At some point during the night our buddy’s fiancée walked upstairs naked and asked our buddy to go back downstairs and get her clothes. When he got downstairs he found all of her clothes along with his friend’s clothes together… he was obviously suspicious, but he didn’t confront either his fiancée or friend. 

The next day he played golf with his buddy and months later the same dude that may or may not have screwed his wife was in his wedding. What should our friend have done? I don’t know how he was able to face that dude on his wedding day without knowing the truth. What are your thoughts?”

He should have demanded a foursome the next day on the golf course. That’s the only way I can see any equitable resolution coming out of this situation. Because his fiancee and his friend definitely had sex or at least engaged in amorous activity.

Put it this way: how many people get drunk and naked with a member of the opposite sex and do nothing at all? The only possible innocent explanation I can think of here is that they went skinnydipping or naked hottubbing. But even that’s not innocent because do you really think nothing happened? Skinnydipping or naked hottubbing is one of those things that the more people are involved the less sexual it becomes. If you found out your fiancee went skinnydipping with a mixed group of twenty guys and girls then that’s infinitely better than going with one other person, right?

But the bigger issue here is how do you never bring it up with your fiancee? I’d at least love to hear the story she would make up. The fact that he never brought it up with either his fiancee or his friend is a pretty big pussy move on his part.

That makes me believe he knew exactly what happened and just wanted to pretend it didn’t.

“I am a college student interning at a prestigious engineering firm this summer. Yesterday I arrived at work early and walked down the hallway to go to the break room when I smell shit. I proceed to discover A TRAIL of shit going down the hallway. They were small botches on the carpet about 3 feet spaced apart (the stains were faint and looked as if someone quickly tried to clean them up, but the smell indicated it was fresh). This shit seemed to start down a small hallway and end in the main office hallway about 40 feet down and ending with an another unmistakeable stain in front of the women’s restroom. I was baffled at this, it wasn’t long before everyone in the office was talking about it. It wasn’t until noon that the office brought in carpet cleaners/vacuum people to come clean it up. My question is what the hell happened? Did this (probable) woman start shitting herself and leave a trail behind, and risk attempting to clean it up and leave? If she left for the day after arriving, it wouldn’t be hard to figure out who it was because there are not many women working in this office. The spacing of the stains makes it seem possible for there to be shit on this person’s shoes as they were walking (out?) of the bathroom. But how the fuck would someone shit on their shoes? Was this a male co-worker who ingeniously lead the trail to the women’s restroom to throw people off his trail? Also, will this person quit if we find out who it is? I must know what happened. As I said, this is an engineering firm, so this is the most exciting event that has happened in the last month.”

This is the second public pooping on the office floor story we’ve had in the mailbag.

Here was my response the last time it happened back in August of 2015.

My immediate thought is you have to get the security camera footage here. But if there’s no security cam footage then there’s no way to know who is to blame for sure.

That’s why you have to be prepared in advance. So if you ever shit yourself at work you have four options:

1. Pretend you know nothing about the shit in the hallway.

Return to your office and resume your ordinary work day. (You can’t leave early or everyone will assume you did the shitting).

2. Return to your office and tell everyone, “I can’t believe this, but somebody just shit all the way down the hallway. And it was some girl from another floor. It’s disgusting out there. I can’t believe her!”

This is really a test of your acting ability, but it’s an aggressive play that’s likely to work.

Unless, and this would be hysterical, your complaint leads them to review the security cam footage and then everyone sees it’s you.

3. Leave and never return.

Get in your car and drive home while belting Taylor Swift. This is the perfect time to move to that new city you think is much cooler than the one you live in now.

4. Return to your office and announce to the entire office, “Hey, everybody, I just shit all over myself in the hallway.”

This is what I would do.

“Am I wrong for deciding which college I go to based on how lit the student sections are during football games?”

No.

“Here’s the deal. I’ve been friends with this guy for 15+ years. He’s like a brother to me. But his choices in women are very suspect. He could easily slay 10’s and chooses soft 6’s with mediocre personalities who are needy. My guess is because he’s kind of an asshole and needs validation that he’s better than them.

Anyways, his wife, Lord help her, is the worst. She’s a constant hanger on who thinks she’s part of the group. His in-laws are super weird, especially the crazy brother in-law. She ruins guys night consistently and not too mention has a shit work ethic and not a lot of confidence which leads to awkward situations with her asking me and other friends about past relationships he’s had. I never mention he’s had one night stands with 10’s and somehow felt the need to settle for her but I digress. I could really go on and on.

What’s the play here? It’s getting to the point they may end up having a kid, which will only make it worse. Right now I just decline any invites to hangout if I think there’s a possibility she’s around but that’s been going on 2+ years and can’t hold for too long. Do I just say #dbap and tell him he needs to regulate and lay down the law of guy’s night and just being a normal wife, etc or what?”

I think you have to write him off. He’s not going to pick you over his wife until he gets divorced. Then he’ll want to hang out all the time.

The simple truth is this: once your single friends get married your time with them will rapidly diminish. That’s to be expected, but you should still be able to hang out some of the time until kids arrive.

But once your friends get married and have kids you will rarely see them again.

God forbid it’s multiple kids because then you might not see them at all ever again.

I used to see my friends multiple times a week. Now I see them like once every three or four months. It’s just nearly impossible to get everything organized when you and your friends are both married, have jobs, and have multiple kids.

That’s why my advice to single guys is this — don’t get married until you’re ready to have kids. Because I don’t care who you marry, the amount of fun you will have will decline precipitously. Now you might feel more content or more satisfied or more secure — and you will definitely be healthier — but you will definitely not have more fun once you are married than you used to have as a single guy.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.