Anonymous Mailbag

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“So I’ve noticed recently on your periscope show you’ve been using DBAP and SBAP. (General rule, don’t be a pussy. But sometimes be a pussy.) Really need your help here on which to use in this situation.

So one of my friends is getting married soon. We’ve been friends practically our whole lives. I assumed due to the length of our friendship, and how close we remained all these years, that I would be one of his groomsmen. Like I said his wedding is coming up at the end of this month, and not only am I not a groomsman, I didn’t even get my invitation to the wedding when they were mailed out.

I text one of our common friends about this matter, and he said he got his invitation and you have to RSVP! I did finally receive one recently after the RSVP deadline. Side note, his fiancee hates me. Not sure why, but that’s a whole other issue.

Now to the issue at hand here. One of his old flames from years back recently texted me and said if I will take her as a wedding date she will sleep with me! She’s a solid 8. What are the odds that my friend’s fiancee took care of the wedding invitations? Also, do I DBAP and take this girl and sleep with her, or do I SBAP and politely decline and not blow my friendship?” 

First, I’d keep you from being one of my groomsmen simply for including an exclamation point after “and you have to RSVP!” Only women ever put exclamations after RSVPs. Honestly, I’m not even sure there’s ever been a man who RSVP’d for anything in his life without a woman telling him to do it.

Every morning after I finish the radio show I ask my wife, “What do I need to know about today?” Then she’ll tell me what the kids have lined up, what my obligations are, all that drill. The truth of the matter is I have a ton of things I’m taking care of with work and my job obligations there so I don’t want to know anything about what the kids have set up for the day or what we’re doing that evening for dinner until the actual morning. Otherwise I’ll forget all about it. (And, to be completely honest, I still forget about it pretty regularly). I’m a big believer in spheres of influence, I trust my wife to handle everything other than my work. I have only one sphere of influence, Outkick, everything else is hers to manage.

Okay, on to the important question: do you take one of the groom’s ex-girlfriend’s to the wedding because she has promised to sleep with you? (Especially when she’s a solid eight.)

Now this is a true dilemma.

So let me break it down. First, the fiancee hates you. She may or may not know about the ex-girlfriend, but if you bring her to the wedding your relationship is going to be over with the new couple. Of course, if the fiancee hates you your relationship may be over with the new couple regardless.

If you got a wedding invitation after the RSVP, it’s pretty clear they had limited space and didn’t even want to invite you. So I think your first play should be to call your buddy and find out why the fiancee hates you. (It’s possible your buddy threw you under the bus and blamed you for something that was actually his fault early in their relationship. And that this is why the antipathy still exists).

It’s also possible that your buddy doesn’t like you either. I mean, if you expected to be a groomsman and didn’t even get the invite until after the RSVP date then it’s pretty clear you are not very high on the flow chart of people that matter at this wedding.

Based on how that conversation goes I think you’ll get a sense for what kind of future relationship, if any, you have with this guy.

If you’re comfortable not having a relationship with the guy any more, then I think you bring the ex-girlfriend to the wedding. Because then at least you get sex as a parting gift to the end of your friendship. Plus, I’m going to share a sad truth with you, once you have multiple kids your friendships are pretty much done anyway. Do you know how often I see my guy friends now that we all have multiple kids? Almost never. They don’t have much time and I don’t have much time either. Some of my best friends I don’t see for six months now.

Okay, back to the girl. I’m oddly impressed by her. What did your buddy do to her for her to be this angry at him yet still want to go to his wedding? I think you have to consider that it’s possible she’s crazy and will unleash the crazy at the wedding.

That’s why I think you have to tell the ex-girlfriend that you’ll take her as your date, but that you guys have to go out to dinner first. That way you can assess the crazy. If she’s willing to sleep with you at the wedding she may also be willing to sleep with you before the wedding. Especially if you keep the drinks coming at dinner.

Her decision-making here is actually much more intriguing to me than yours. She’s willing to trade sex for an invite to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding?! (That’s when you use an exclamation point, by the way).

I want to know more about this girl. She has to know she’s unwelcome at the wedding, right? Yet she’s willing to bang you to go. I respect that level of crazy on some level so I’m just really intrigued by what she has planned. This could be epic. I almost want to go to this wedding and I hate weddings.

My inclination here, honestly, is just to say screw it and bring the ex-girlfriend to the wedding. Because I think your relationship with the new couple is already broken based on your invitation that came after the RSVPs were already due. You can always play the, “Oh, I totally forgot you used to date her!” card if anyone calls you on it. Plus, if you already went out to dinner you can claim the two of you have been on a few dates so it’s not like the wedding is the first date.

Regardless, I’d like an update on this decision if you decide to go and I’d also like to see a picture of the girl to verify that you aren’t grading on a curve here and that she’s an actual eight.

Good luck.

“I am 34 years old, married with three boys ages 9, 6, and 4. I live a pretty normal and happy life but I have one habit that others might consider bad. I pee in any and every body of water that is either chlorinated or salt water. This includes just about every pool I have ever stepped into. I don’t think this is a big deal because I know the chemicals that are circulating through the pool take good care of cleaning my piss. Is it bad that I don’t consider this a problem? Am I completely disgusting here?”

Here’s the deal, it’s perfectly acceptable to pee in all natural bodies of water: lakes, streams, rivers, oceans, and the like. But it’s completely unacceptable to pee in the pool as a grown man.

Just thoroughly and completely unacceptable.

I’m not saying you should go to prison, but, okay, I am saying you should go to prison. I’m not sure what other crimes you’re committing too, but peeing in the pool intentionally as a grown man has to be just the tip of the proverbial criminal iceberg.

Yes, I understand, you can get away with it, but that doesn’t make it right. Especially when it’s insanely easy to get out of the pool and walk over to the bathroom.

Plus, what do you teach your kids? And if you’re teaching them to pee in the pool then there’s also the chance they, especially the young kids, actually poop in the pool and then they have to shut down the entire pool to disinfect everything. (By the way, do we really have to shut down the entire pool? Can’t we just pick up the poop and throw it over the fence and let the kids keep swimming? It’s summer, I really need my kids tired at night or else bedtime is brutal.)

“Long story short:

I am 38 yrs old. Married with kids.  A lady I was frequently romantic with while in/after high school, recently contacted me via Facebook messenger.  She just stated that she was back around the area I grew up, saw my old house and began reminiscing.

Well me, being as shallow as most of us are, wanted to see if she looked as good as she did back then. Keep in mind that this is 20 years after the fact. I reviewed her profile, and noticed she had a son that appeared to be 16-20 yrs old. My mind immediately began to wonder whether or not he was mine, although I was not brave enough to ask.  I deleted the message and never replied.

Since I have often wondered if the child is mine.  I am a firm believer in being a man and taking care of responsibilities, however I am torn.  Even if I am the father, could I really make an impact on a child that I have not been a part of their life for so long? What if he’s a bad kid? Could I afford to have him around my family, would he hold a grudge?

It’s not like I would immediately be able to love this kid as my others.  That would take time.”

Am I the only person who thinks it’s a huge leap to assume the kid is yours?

I think it’s much more likely that an ex-girlfriend of yours wants to reconnect with some of the people she used to know in your old hometown that she recently visited than that she decided to let you know she has a kid via Facebook Messenger 16-20 years after the kid was born.

Hell, I even think it’s WAY more likely she wants to start sleeping with you again than that you have a kid.

If you have fond memories of her, respond to the message.

But also think about what you would think if your wife responded to an out of the blue Facebook message from an ex-boyfriend of hers.

In general my advice would be against connecting with old boyfriends or girlfriends — I mean legit boyfriends or girlfriends, by the way, not someone you hooked up once with in high school or college — because it’s going to lead to temptations to cheat.

But if you’re not responding to Facebook messages because you’re worried you have kids from decades past, I think you’re probably overreacting.

Plus, the kid is also old enough to reach out on his own by now. And don’t you think the kid would deserve a chance to meet his dad? If you were that kid, wouldn’t you want to meet your dad? If you were actually this kid’s dad he’s probably going to reach out at some point in the future, why not now?

“I was at a celebratory brunch with my girlfriend’s family after her younger sister graduated from a liberal arts college over the weekend. We got on the subject of her European vacation she is taking this summer and how she is going to tour the Dachau Concentration Camp after her history class on World War 2. Here I am thinking I’m about to have a interesting/intelligent conversation about an important historical event and she drops the hammer on me… “I think its especially important to tour these sites now because of the leader we have in our country.”