Anonymous Mailbag

But before we get rolling with the anonymous mailbag, it’s time to get your financial house in order with my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert. Right now, in the first week of May, if you sign up for a mortgage and close out the process, I will give you a free room and passes to Outkick the Weekend. So why wouldn’t you act now? Go prequalify, refi, or get a brand new mortgage today.

As always, send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.

“Ever since I got pregnant, sex has not been the same for me and my husband. We used to have a great sex life (3-4 times a week, even before we were trying) but now he struggles to get intimate with me. I confronted him about it and he said because I’m now the future mother of his child I don’t arouse him in the same way anymore. He is okay having these drawn-out, intimate, love-making romps but he says he doesn’t see me as down-and-dirty fuckable anymore. This means we both have the time and energy to have sex maybe once a week. I have all but stopped bringing up the baby on my own, but it hasn’t helped.

I’ve caught him looking at MILF porn, so I know he’s still horny, but I don’t know what to do. I’m only on week 13, so I’m not really showing, and really don’t want to have to continue to force myself upon my husband.

Any advice what to do.”

Put on your hottest lingerie, walk into the room without saying anything to him, unbuckle his pants and start blowing him.

Then fuck his brains out.

Repeat as necessary.

I’ll be stunned if that doesn’t work. (By the way, this is my advice for all women having sex issues with their husbands. Think like a man, not like a woman. Lingerie and blow jobs always work. Unless your husband is gay. And even then, honestly, it still might work.)

Some men, especially with the first kid, have to overcome an artificial mother and whore dynamic that they have created in their brains. A woman is either a whore or a mother, not both, to these guys. He’s conflicted now with you. So you have to screw some sense back into him.

“My parents bought a house for my wife and I to move into. We’re mid 20s, will be paying an affordable down payment to them and a normal mortgage to them. They are essentially our bank and our mortgage will be normal relative to the market and houses of similar value. This is ridiculously awesome for us, we’re aware of it, and we’re beyond thankful for it. My parents would do anything for us, and the gift comes from a place of extreme love and generosity. We try our hardest to be humble about it, because we pride ourselves in being good people, not shitty rich assholes.

That being said, I don’t know how to handle the situation without coming across as a total spoiled douche to everyone I know or meet. I mean, I think there’s no way around convincing people I’m not that, especially when the only millennials buying decent homes are ones that come from money.  I don’t want to be perceived as a spoiled little dipshit but I also won’t say no to moving into a badass home. This is the biggest advantage I think I will get in life. I make $50,000 a year, I am 27, and I am moving into a $600,000 home with my wife.  My siblings and I all understand hard work, the value of the dollar, and generally dislike entitled shitheads, because my parents used to crack the whip on us and we didn’t grow up wealthy. But here I am, about to move into a badass house that I by no means earned or deserve, thereby becoming a huge hypocrite of the spoiled kids I used to not be able to stand.

Do I totally fake it and act like I’m very successful already? Do I be honest and tell those who ask that my dad bought a home but explain to them I’m buying it back from him in full?  Do I embrace being a spoiled little bitch? Most people will generally hate me for all of these things, but option 2 seems like the best – I just don’t know how to tell people without being weird as fuck about it. How would you handle this if you were me, Clay? Would you do this for your kids if they didn’t suck?” 

If you’re paying for the house, I don’t understand why you need to explain anything to anyone about why you live there or how you afford to live there. Do you know how much your neighbor makes? I have no idea what my neighbors make. Hell, I don’t even know what most of my neighbors do for a living. (This is because I’m basically a hermit in my home now that I get up at 415 every morning for the radio show and I spend all my free time with my wife and kids. But my point remains — most people in your neighborhood don’t know, or really care, what you do for a living.)

So I think you’re way overthinking this.

In order to buy a $600k house, you’d need a downpayment of around $120k at most mortgage companies. (You should obviously confirm this by contacting The Home Loan Expert and getting the best possible mortgage lined up). That’s more money than most people in their twenties have saved up, but it’s not like it’s an exorbitant sum of money that no one reading this right now could ever aspire to have. I’m assuming you didn’t put that down and if you’re paying your parents back I’m assuming you are also doing it without the mortgage amortization schedule. (You pay way more of the interest in the first few years than you do in principal on a traditional mortgage). Assuming you took out $480k in mortgage you’d be paying around $36k a year, probably in mortgage, which is clearly way too much given your salary.

But does your wife work? I’m guessing yes. Then you guys probably make in neighborhood of $85k between you. That’s still not enough to pay your mortgage, but it’s not entirely outside the ballpark either. (A good rule of thumb is don’t pay more than 20% of your income on your mortgage or rent). It’s not like you live in a $6 million house. And even if you did, what percentage of the people who live in multi-million dollar houses are there because they inherited the money? A huge percentage. It’s probably a higher percentage the higher the cost of the home is, honestly.

Essentially I think you’re being way too insecure in feeling the need to justify your new home at all. You’re projecting your insecurities about the purchase of this new home onto other people. Sure, people may talk, but why not just lie and say, “Lucky for me I bought Netflix stock eight years ago with my school loan money.” It’s a lie, but it shuts people up if you’re really worried about things. But I wouldn’t say anything if I were you.

Trust me, I have no idea what my friend’s houses cost or what mortgage rate they have or any of those things. When I get to hang out with my friends I’d rather talk about more important things, like are the waitresses boobs real or what condo building will we live in together when our wives leave us?

As for whether I’d help my kids out the same way one day, for sure. Especially if I had grandkids and helping them buy a place they otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford got my grandkids into a much better school district, for instance. I’m not sure what the purpose of having money is if you can’t help those around you have a little bit easier life.

Right now I’m trying to figure out what the optimal amount to leave my kids would be. Because I don’t want them wasting all my hard earned money on hookers and drugs. Some of it, sure, but not ALL of it.

“My girlfriend recently started going to one of those Baptist megachurches run by some egomaniacal Osteen-esque wackjob who gallivants around in his private jet, and she’s suddenly done a 180 on our relationship.  To the point where it’s pretty much over unless I fall in line with this “God-centered” relationship model (something she didn’t seem overly concerned with when we were banging all the time and making oddly specific wedding plans).  I’m kind of Agnostic – not opposed to church but would only want to do it for the right reasons.  Anyway I’m just struggling with how to politely explain to her that A) ending a relationship over church is really dumb and B) this pastor and church especially are a complete crock of shit?  Or should I just see this as a phase that she’ll eventually get bored of?”

Here’s the deal, if your girlfriend has suddenly decided that she’s going to be super religious, and she’s going to stick to it, I don’t think it’s weird to end a relationship over this at all. If she’s super religious and you aren’t then eventually that conflict will become untenable.

So what you have to decide is how likely she is to stick to the super religion and, more importantly, expect you to stick to it too. Is your girlfriend the type of person to get into a hobby, go crazy for it, and then quit and move on to something else? If so, I wouldn’t fight it, her interest will wane eventually anyway. But if she isn’t like that then people break up for all sorts of absurd reasons, religion, to me, isn’t one of them.

You say that you’re fine with religion if it’s for the “right reasons” (you’d be a great fit for the Bachelor), but what are the right reasons? You either believe in the concept of heaven or hell or you don’t. If you do believe then eternal salvation seems like kind of the definition of the right reasons. If you don’t believe in heaven and hell, then why waste your time at church?

Is there a church you’d be willing to attend that isn’t a mega-church with an insanely wealthy pastor? If so, that’s a potential compromise here. But if she’s going to stay devoutly religious and you aren’t, you have two options: 1. fake it or 2. break up. I think the second option is the better one here.