It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.
But before we get rolling with the anonymous mailbag, it’s time to get your financial house in order with my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert. Right now, in the month of April, if you sign up for a mortgage and close out the process, I will give you a free room and passes to Outkick the Weekend. So why wouldn’t you act now? Go prequalify, refi, or get a brand new mortgage today.
As always, send your questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.
“My wife and I are both 28 and have our 4 year anniversary coming up in June, no kids yet. We have begun trying to get pregnant with our first child and she’s been off birth control since last September, so it could happen quickly. Who knows right?
My question for the gay King Solomon of the Internet is; is this the last time period men have the power in a marriage? Like she wants to have crazy sex all the time now compared to our normal marriage sex life of once or twice a week. Just jumping me randomly throughout the weekend, wanting me to leave the office early, show up late, take 2 hour lunches, doing it in the car like teenagers, in the kitchen, etc. Basically what guys are trying for in their sex lives all the time, whether we are married or not. I should hope it takes a few months to actually get pregnant right?
I know there are lots of couples who struggle to get pregnant and it can take a long time, but I gotta think this is a great time period for a married guy right? That it takes a few months of trying like this for her to actually get pregnant?”
The only time my wife has ever wanted to have sex with me is when we were trying to have kids. And with the first two kids she got pregnant immediately, I mean like the minute she decided to go off birth control she got pregnant. She gave me his long story about how it could take a long time to get pregnant and then, boom, she’s pregnant within a month or two of going off birth control.
Same thing happened with the second kid.
And both times I thought, as soon as she told me she was pregnant, I wish I’d taken advantage of being the only one being sexually pursued in our relationship. I wish there was male birth control I could have taken for a couple of months, especially once you knew you were able to have kids. (There is stress involved in not knowing whether or not you can have kids. I had a buddy who found out he shot blanks at an inordinate high level and he told me, “All this time I spent worrying about getting girls pregnant when I was single and it turned out it was almost impossible for me. Seems pretty unfair in retrospect.”)
Anyway, for all the men out there, take advantage of this opportunity. It’s the only time your wife is going to really want to have sex with you for your entire marriage.
“My roommates and I need you to settle something for us. We’re all early 20s and still working fairly entry level jobs. Our apartment lease is up this summer and one of our roommates said he’s moving back in with his parents. My friend and I can’t believe it. He’s about to start a new job where he’ll be traveling a lot more but his salary increased quite a bit. His argument is he doesn’t want to pay rent for somewhere he won’t be living since he’ll be on the road half the month, and he really wants to save his money. Is this normal behavior for a 23 year old?”
It’s strange behavior, but there are a ton of guys and girls out there making the same decision. Not because they have no job and can’t afford their own place — it’s perfectly acceptable to do it then — but because they are trying to save money by living at home.
Unless your parents are insanely wealthy and have some sort of in-law’s quarters where you can live or they’re retired and live most of the year somewhere else, I think this makes no sense for a single guy.
I went to law school with no money and I didn’t live at my parent’s house. That probably would have been the “smart” financial decision, but it would have been an awful decision for me from a life perspective. And when law school is already as expensive as it is, extra money for rent isn’t going to make or break your financial future. Especially not now when student loans are so cheap thanks to low interest rates.
So take it from me, a 39 year old who has been married for 14 years now, other than wishing I could go back in time and buy a stock — why was I so dumb not to buy Amazon when they went public?! — there is hardly any financial decision that you will look back on and regret when you’re my age. (That’s assuming you don’t make a big error, like get a random girl pregnant and end up with a kid way before you planned on having one.)
You have your entire life to find a boring place to live.
Why do it now?
I just don’t understand why you’d save money on where you’re living as a single guy. For what reason? So when you get married you can buy a little bit better house? Okay, great, but you have to bring your girlfriend back to your parent’s house for three years in order to do that. And, trust me, no girl alive thinks it’s awesome that a grown man lives with his parents.
In fact, there is no 24 year old girl in America right now who is thinking, “You know who I want to fuck so bad? The guy saving money on his rent by living at home instead of with his guy friends. That’s so hot.”
Girls want guys with ambition and balls. Living at home with your parents is a total mosquito dick move. It’s the kind of move a guy who is going to spend his entire life in middle management driving a Toyota Corolla makes. If that’s your ambition, great, but most of us are aiming for something bigger, especially when we’re 23.
If you need to save money I’d sell my car and either walk or take Uber everywhere before I’d move back in with my parents. (If you live in a decent sized city near where you work, do the math, with what you pay in a car payment, insurance, and parking you can probably save quite a bit of money by going Uber and walking.)
Trust me on this, I don’t know a single guy or girl my age who wishes they had lived at home in their twenties to save money. When you’re forty or fifty you aren’t going to be looking back at yourself at 23 and think, “Boy, I wish I’d spent less money having fun when I was young and single.”
Literally no one says this in the entire country.
Having said all of this, I save a ton of money now and I told my wife the other day that I was wondering what I was saving it all up for, “Sometimes I sit around and think I’m working myself to death so our three kids can blow their inheritance on girls and drugs.”
And my wife was like, “We have to teach them the value of money and not to do that.”
But how many rich kids actually know the value of money? Almost none of them. Kids think whatever surrounds them is normal. Plus, it’s not like my kids are going to be insanely rich.
So I’m thinking about not giving my kids any money until they’re forty. Which means, in the irony of all ironies, these bastards are probably going to graduate from college and move back into our house to save money. So I’m really in a Catch 22 then. Do I spoil them and have my own house or not spoil them and have them show back up and take over the house?
See, these are the kinds of adult decisions you get to look forward to when you’ve got kids, a wife, and a future you’re planning for.
When you’re 23 the only thing you need to plan for is which bar will have the hottest girls.
Advantage, the 23 year old. (Unless it’s a 23 year old who can afford to live in his own place living at home to save money.)
“All my life I’ve hated using exclamation points. I think they’re phony and unnecessary and the excitement of a declaration should be evident from the words chosen rather than the punctuation.
However, I recently ran for public office and was elected. During that process and since I have been adding them to communications because it means I have to write less words in replies to people. Does this make me a pussy?”
I love that we have politicians writing into the anonymous mailbag now.
In my new book I have some exclamation points too and I sat there looking at them as I was reading through the draft wondering the same thing. “Am I being a pussy for using exclamation points in my new book?” (I don’t think either of my first two books had a single exclamation point).
But I think the problem is people are reading less so they lack the ability to contextualize intent. The thought process of “Oh, this is a funny thing,” or “oh, this is an excited thing,” just doesn’t register with them unless they’re told what to think. I blame the LOL generation.
I might use an exclamation point, but I will never use a goddamn emoticon.
Right now I will Tweet out something sarcastic and without fail some people will treat it as the genuine truth. And I’ll read the response and just think, “You fucking imbecile.”
I feel the same way about using all caps.
But it has become necessary because deadpan doesn’t work as well on the masses because people are becoming dumber when it comes to written language. Either that or dumber people can just communicate more now. I’m not sure which it is.
All I know is this, think of the person of the most average intelligence you know in the country. Then think about this, half of the people are dumber than that.
Stupidity is an epidemic and the larger your audience becomes — as a politician or a media figure — the dumber your audience becomes too.
So I don’t blame you for using exclamation points when you respond to constituents, but I understand why you hate yourself for it too.
“My wife and I work opposite shifts Monday through Friday in order to watch our children and avoid the insane day care costs, so we don’t see each other much at all during the week. Sometimes work gets crazy and taking care of kids can be exhausting, so occasionally (like once every month or 2) when the weekend rolls around I am pretty worn out and feel like catching up on rest, but my wife gets frustrated when I want to take a nap or crash early at night because she thinks that I am wasting the only time we get to spend together, especially if I go play golf earlier in the day and/or have buddies over to hang out. But to me, sometimes an hour nap or going to bed an hour or so early can improve the quality of how I feel the rest of the day or even the weekend. I know she’s tired too, but she refuses to nap for the aforementioned reasons. Am I in the wrong for wanting to recharge and should I just suck it up and feel miserable or should she give me a break and let me rest a bit when I feel like I need it?”
I’ve gotta tell you my secret — the 25 minute nap.
If you nap longer than 25 or 30 minutes you are fucked — plus, you will probably wake up more tired than you were before the nap — and you won’t be able to sleep at your regular bed time, but if you take a 25 minute nap it’s a total game changer. Set your alarm and train your body to do it.
I started doing these in law school when my schedule was busy and I had to read so much every day. Sometimes your eyes literally just feel like they’re going to fall down and you can’t focus, boom, 25 minute nap. If you do it for a little while you can get to the point where the minute you put your head down on the pillow you’re asleep and then you wake up when your alarm goes off and feel great for the rest of the day.
If you sleep for more than a half hour — and not at least two or three hours — you end up feeling groggy. So I’d suggest you snag a 25 minute nap and then stay up later with your wife.
Trust me, they’re a godsend.
“Occasionally I jack off in a public restroom, for example in my university’s library or at the school fitness center late at night. I understand that this is subhuman, psychotic behavior, but also I’m curious as to how many other guys do this. Please enlighten me.”
A huge percentage of guys have jerked off somewhere inappropriate in their lives.
And every time we’ve done it, we’ve all thought, “My life is over if I get caught here.”
Because you can’t come back from a public jerkoff arrest. Ask Pee Wee Herman.
If you’re the guy who got jerking off at the university library or the school fitness center, that’s a virtually impossible story to bounce back from. Can you imagine appearing before the student justice committee and explaining yourself? “I was doing squats behind this hot girl and I just couldn’t contain myself so I went to the bathroom and…” boom, you’re done at that school.
You have to transfer or drop out.
And what’s totally wild about this is how it’s an impossible story for a guy to come back from, but if a hot girl did it, it would be the hottest story ever.
Think about the different way these stories play out, “Did you hear (insert hot girl here) got arrested for masturbating in the school library?!”
If you heard that story about a hot girl at your college you’d think it was the hottest story ever and that girl would have way more guys interested in her than ever before.
But if you heard, “Crazy ass story, (insert guy here) got arrested for masturbating in the school library,” everyone would think he was a psychotic animal and no girl would want to be seen in public with him. And zero girls would think it was hot or want to date him.
Proving, yet again, that hot girl privilege is undefeated.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.
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