Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Before we get rolling there, we have a new advertiser on Outkick, go check out Magical Realty if you’re looking for a great deal on places to stay near Disney World or anywhere beyond on your next vacation.

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag.

“My wife and I are in our early 30’s and have a 4 year old son. My wife is always a good sport when it comes to joking about hot women and even rating them together. As such, I’ve been teaching my son since an early age the difference between your average woman and “hotties.” Typically he associates “hotties” with women in bikinis or cheerleaders. However, I’m afraid he is getting too good at this game and I may have created a monster.

We went to the Preds Broadway viewing party on Saturday, where 50,000 fans, in addition to random bachelorette parties, crowded downtown Nashville to watch the Stanley Cup game outside. As you can imagine with that many Nashvillians, there were a few attractive women included, not that I noticed because I am married. My son, sitting in front of me turns and says “dad, look” and points. I look and assume he is pointing at the Predators flags and say “cool, flags.” Then he says “NO, LOOK!” My wife and I both look again and he is pointing directly at a very attractive young woman showing plenty of leg. So I asked, “what, the girl?” Then my son says “she’s a hottie” loud enough that surrounding fans caught a good laugh. Since everyone laughed, this behavior continued throughout the night. (Side note:in a proud father moment every woman he pointed to was a solid 8+)

My wife thinks I have created a monster and that he will now be a terrible human as he grows up. I thought I was just teaching him to appreciate beauty, like an art teacher of sorts, but now he is like a mini-Mr. Skin and I’m thinking this may be getting out of hand. So, is this behavior okay? If not, how do I change this behavior before my wife kills me? I figured someone who only likes men could cure this behavior.”

The reason why #hotgirlprivilege exists is because all men give the benefit of the doubt to good looking women. This frequently manifests itself at an early age. For instance, my boys have favorite babysitters that come from the babysitting service my wife uses.

Do you know who their favorites are? The hottest babysitters.

Without fail.

And they are the exact same babysitters that I would think are hot if I were ranking them too. Is that because somehow my opinion on which babysitters are hot has transferred to my kids or because we have, like most men, similar standards when it comes to which women we find attractive? It’s clearly the latter. And this is happening with my boys long before they have hit puberty and gone girl crazy.

We had any ugly babysitter come one day and my six year old went into his bedroom and cried because it wasn’t the hot babysitter he was expecting. My wife said I should go talk to him and I said, “Why? I don’t blame him. I want to cry too.”

When I was a little kid we occasionally were kept by famous country music singer Deanna Carter. She lived down the road and was not famous, she was just a teenager who sang in our church choir, but my dad memorably described her as, “The best looking 17 year old I’ve ever seen in my life.”

What do I remember about her? That she was gorgeous. I was five years old back then and didn’t even know what the word gorgeous meant, but I knew it fit her perfectly.

So I’m not sure how much you can do here, to be honest. Maybe tell him that pointing out girls based on how attractive they are draws too much attention to yourself and when you get older and you need to play it cool if you want them to like you? But he’s so young that’s years away from being reality and he won’t understand it. Plus, four year olds are cute and I’m sure the girls think it’s flattering and unthreatening.

Just be glad he’s not doing what my uncle used to do to my grandfather.  My uncle, who is turning 75 years old today, used to ride around in the car with my grandfather and when they would drive past a pretty girl on the street he would whistle at her and then immediately duck beneath the window so it looked like my grandpa had done the whistling all by himself.

I think this is genius.

And if he was doing it back in the 1950’s, it’s important to realize that men don’t change. Which is why #hotgirlprivilege is never disappearing. It’s the most powerful American privilege by far.

“My wife and her friend recently had a spa day at a ridiculously expensive spa that caters to country club moms who are so “busy” with Pilates, lunch (even though they’re doing a cleanse), and shopping.  My wife had a massage with a female therapist, and her friend had one with “Sven.”  (By the way, I’m 99% certain “Sven” is Paul from Decatur who realized a dye job and fake accent could make him 45% more money.)  Another friend said she also has received multiple massages from “Sven,” and it is the most incredible experience of her life.

Guys are well aware of the existence of “happy ending” massages; but what percentage of female massages end up with the woman having an orgasm?  How often do women ask their masseur to massage a little more “upper” and “inner” on the upper inner thighs?  My wife laughed the question off, but I am certain the friend who has seen Sven numerous times would have no objection if his fingers (or anything else) entered her marital chamber.

So what say you?  How many female massage customers are getting happy endings?  And would such happy endings occur at upscale spas?  Does your team of female informants have any intel they’d like to share?”

See, I think the difficulty here is if a male masseuse tries to give a woman a happy ending he might get charged with sexual assault. Whereas if a woman tries to give a guy a happy ending, he probably accepts it. (I’m just guessing, I’ve never had a massage. But has any guy ever stopped an attractive woman from jerking him off in recorded history? I mean, aside from Larry David in Curb).

Can you imagine a jury ever convicting a woman giving a massage of sexual assault? Defense attorney: “So what you’re testifying to here is that she grabbed your penis, you became erect, at which point she continued to stroke your penis and you were you were so upset by this you want us to put her in jail for that?”

Good luck with that argument.

Now I suppose Sven could just keep working his magic fingers closer and closer to the promised land, but there’s a real risk in trying to interpret consent during a massage. So does he ask? Or does he just go for it and risk, at a very minimum, losing his job and at the worst, going to jail, if he’s wrong?

I honestly have no idea how this works. Outkick women reading the anonymous mailbag, do women get happy endings during their massages? Is this common? Uncommon? Discussed amongst yourselves? I’m clueless here.
Related: we have two kids in school all day, a nanny for the two year old, a lawn service and a cleaning service and I have like eight jobs yet somehow my wife’s schedule is more difficult to pin down than mine is.
I have no idea what she does all day. I suspect there are many married men with wives who don’t work that have the same thoughts. This is why my wife is going to live ten years longer than me. While I’m out here working my ass off, waking up every morning at 4 AM and working all day long with my eight jobs, she’s out getting happy ending massages from Sven.*

*You’re right, Sven is definitely not his real name, that’s totally made up for money.

“I’m not a hairy guy minus one section of my body: my chest. My chest is fairly hairy and I’ve had girls compliment it/insult it. Truth is I’ve debated getting rid of it.

Is it strange for men to get their chest waxed? Is this something men do but never speak of? What are your thoughts on this?”

Hate to brag, but I have a pretty much naturally hairless chest so I’ve never had to do this, but my thought would be that getting waxed would suck because you have to keep doing it over and over again for a long time.
It’s not like your hair stops growing.
If I were you I’d just own my hairy chest and find a girl who likes guys with hairy chests. Or hope that hairy chests come back in style. Remember that hairy chests used to be considered sexy back in the day.

“I recently purchased a house in a newly popular area of my Southern town. It’s one of those neighborhoods that is full of older couples whose kids have moved out, but now younger hipster couples have taken over. On my street, most of my neighbors are 50+. I am single but have a roommate. We are in our mid twenties and have people over, but other than that we are pretty civil. My neighbors  should just be thankful we don’t have epic, loud parties or run a crack house.

I have a pile of pallets behind my house, I break them down and use them in my fire pit. Unless you really look, you can’t see the pallets.

A couple of months ago I found a letter in my mailbox. A neighbor, in bold 72 size font, had written a passive aggressive letter telling me that my pallets are unsightly and I need to remove them.

Last week, I got another letter. Same style, so I assume it’s the same person. They said my pallets have been there for over a year and I need to remove them immediately.

This person left no contact. No address. No way to explain the situation. I have no home owners association. So really, there is nothing this person can do. First letter was funny, this second one really pissed me off. That someone thinks they can tell me what I can do with my damn home.

So, with your almighty wisdom, what should I do? Ignore it? Go to all my neighbors and asked them about it?”

I would totally ignore it.

Your only other option is to carry the letter to your immediate neighbors — it has to be someone close by to see it — and ask if they wrote the letter.

Then what happens? My guess is all your neighbors deny writing it, otherwise wouldn’t they have put their name on it? But even if you find out who is actually upset and wrote the letter, then what happens? You explain to them that you disagree that your pallets are unsightly and plan to do nothing at all to remedy his concern.

Except now you’ve had a face-to-face discussion over it.

If anything, I think this would make him even angrier. Think about the kind of person who writes anonymous letters about pallets in backyards. This is not a person you’re going to persuade with reasonable discourse. I’d just ignore the letters going forward.

“Need some advice. we just got back from a 4 day trip to Vegas for a bachelor party. On night one, we decided to go to a particular Vegas strip club to kick off the trip. While there, one of the dudes (who was hammered) takes a picture of another one of the guys getting a lap dance from a stripper in what everyone believes was blackmail to possibly send to his GF back home.

Whats the play here? He’s relatively new to our group of friends. Do we cut ties? Give him a second chance?”
Isn’t it a big jump to assume blackmail here?”

Given the circumstances isn’t it more likely that he was drunk and just made a really dumb decision? Yes, you shouldn’t be taking pictures in a strip club any time — especially not on a bachelor party — but my bet is he was just trying to fit in and made a socially awkward, and unacceptable, decision.

You guys should have just made him immediately delete the pictures and moved along.

If he consistently does things that the group disapproves of then don’t invite him for future events. Using this one to exclude him going forward seems petty.

Bigger issue: why would the blackmail work? If you’re a single guy on a Vegas bachelor party and you have to lie to your girlfriend about getting a lap dance at a strip club, you need a new girlfriend.

Blackmail only works if you’re terrified of the information being released. Here the info going public shouldn’t scare you at all.
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Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.