Anonymous Mailbag

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday so all work productivity is about to cease.

Send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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Okay, time for the mailbag, here we go.

“Like many families, our dogs (both labs) have favorites. One of our dogs barely even notices anybody but my wife. The other likes me, but absolutely worships my son. He sleeps on the foot of his bed every night, but he comes into the kitchen when he hears me get up because he knows it’s breakfast time. Then he hangs out with me while I’m getting ready for work. 

Last week, I mentioned this to a few people at the office. One of the guys asked where he was while I was talking a shower and I said that he laid on the bathroom floor.  The dude looked horrified and asked (wide-eyed and practically yelling), “So you walk around naked in front of your dog?!?”  I was dumbfounded and just stared at him. The other guys laughed and basically said, “It’s a freaking dog. What’s the big deal?”

I told a friend of mine about it, expecting him to think it was funny. He agreed COMPLETELY with the dude from work.  

My wife seriously thinks these people have some childhood or abuse issues. What’s your take on this?  How common do you think it is for people to have hangups about pets seeing them naked, and how weird is that?”

It’s insanely weird to be worried about your dog seeing you naked.

And based on your email I’m genuinely curious what percentage of people avoid their dogs or cats seeing them naked? Is this a real thing or did you find the only two people in America who are worried about this?

I love that people are freaked out about the dog seeing you naked because my kids literally sit outside the shower and talk to me while I’m in the shower.

They’ve seen me and my wife naked in our house all the time since day one.

I saw my parents naked all the time too.

Now I’m sure at some point they’ll become grossed out by the concept of seeing their parents naked and it would become weird for them to talk to either my wife or me while we took showers.

But I’m not sure exactly what that age is.

It has to be puberty, right?

I think it would be really hard for parents to keep their kid’s from seeing them naked, but I guess there are some parents who would lock the door while they shower and get dressed or whatnot, but that’s way too much work. It boggles my mind that there are any parents out there whose kids have never seen them naked. Especially since so much of parenting is seeing your kids naked all the time.

If I were dating a guy or girl and their dog walked in, and they were like, “OH MY GOD, RUFUS, GET OUT OF HERE!” and they rushed to grab a towel to cover themselves, I would think I was getting pranked.

In fact, I don’t think I could date a person who wasn’t comfortable being seen naked by their dog.

Total deal breaker for me.

“When I was in high school and college my mother used to say “When you get married and buy a house let the wife decorate however she wants and keep your mouth shut.”

Last year we bought a new house and my wife is doing a pretty good job. However, she is addicted to that show in Waco where they remodel houses. That show has inspired her to go “farm house.”  Generally I don’t mind but lately she has bought some rusty old shit to hang on the walls.

I feel it is a bit too much, not to mention that if you accidentally bump into some of it you’ll need a tetanus shot. She also does not allow ANY Alabama football stuff in the mix. I feel a couple of “17” images would enhance the charm.

If my mom was still alive I’d ask her “Did you mean for me to take your advice literally?  Am I truly supposed to ‘keep my mouth shut’ or was that a negotiating tactic to tip the scales in favor of my wife?”

Since my mom has passed, I come to you, the great Solomon of the Internet for an answer.

Roll Tide from Southern California.”

You keep your mouth shut here.

For two primary reasons: 1. Your wife doesn’t actually care what you think about home decor unless it’s to praise her on her home decor decisions and 2. Once you express a strong opinion about home decor then it’s likely your wife starts to passive aggressively involve you in every decorating decision.

I’m not kidding about this, she will insist you be involved in every decision until you acquiesce to her decorating brilliance.

That’s why a big part of any successful marriage is figuring out what your wife wants you to say before you actually say it.

Because most wives don’t actually want their husband’s opinions, they just their husbands to tell them they made the right decision.

For instance, we had rooms staged in our new house a couple of years ago. Staging is when some poor bastards have to lug like $30k in furniture into an empty room and fill it up to your wife’s direction. Only you haven’t even bought anything yet.

The “stager” has previously come to your house and taken the dimensions and made decisions about what to put in the room.

I actually felt so bad for these guys when I saw them putting all the furniture exactly how my wife directed them. I couldn’t even make eye contact with them. This is bad because 100% of the people who bring furniture to our house or come over to fix things either currently listen to Outkick or used to listen to me on the Zone.

I’m not kidding, 100%.

If you move furniture for a living or hook up cable, you’re a sports fan. I had Comcast out rigging up the new TV in my office on the day of the Tennessee-Florida game — yes, my wife managed to schedule Comcast for Saturday during college football — and I’ve got two dudes I don’t know sitting down watching overtime of UT-Florida with me who are fans.

Anyway, we have the staging set up for a few days to see whether we like it or not.

I was so nervous about this entire process because if you leave furniture in a room long enough then you end up liking it. (This is why staging works so well, you end up just buying the furniture they put in because you feel bad asking them to take it away.)

Not my wife.

She bought two stools from them and made them take everything else away.

Those poor bastards had to come in and take all the furniture back out. (Also, it’s always awful weather whenever furniture gets delivered. Either like 150 degrees or -10. No one ever gets to deliver furniture in perfect weather. I think that’s the worst job in America.)

When we moved into the house the first time, I was out of town and the same movers came back delivering things again and one of the movers was like, “Man, your wife made us move that furniture around so much. She was bossing us around like crazy. And I was like, “Tell me about it.” Why do you think I was out of town for moving day?)

Anyway I could tell by the way she asked me about the furniture that she wanted me to not like it. So I said I didn’t like it.

Then she told me what everything cost and I really didn’t like it.

Now, to be fair, my wife also claims she knows exactly what I want in furniture which is to fulfill only one criteria: it has to be insanely fucking comfortable.

I don’t understand why any other criteria matters in any furniture that you sit on, which is the only furniture I care about. When I sit down on a couch or a chair or lay on a bed, I want it to feel so great that I never want to stand up again.

This is literally the only thing I care about.

I don’t care about color or fit or style or anything else, I just want it to be fucking comfortable.

If I had a chair, couch or bed company I would name the company, “Fucking Comfortable,” and I would become a billionaire overnight.

My entire marketing campaign would be, “Fucking Comfortable, it’s Fucking Comfortable.”

So, anyway, just agree with your wife’s farm motif unless you want a new job as home decorator in chief.

“Here’s an interesting example of the liberal equality movement which could result in actual deaths….so I’m a resident surgeon at a major metro academic institution. 

We just finished a round of interviews for next year’s class of new residents, and our department chairman openly talks about the pressure he gets from his administration about increasing our diversity, specifically recruiting more female doctors. 

Our subspecialty has one of the lowest rates of female residents across all fields (14.09% per the ACGME Data Resource Book), however the number of female applicants is EXTREMELY small and I can tell you from my medical school of 150 we had zero females apply to this field.  It’s well known that if you’re anything BUT a white male applicant your chances of “matching” into this residency are significantly increased, far out of proportion to the quality of the application, based upon simply being a woman. 

My question to you is if you, your child, mother, father, or someone you cared about was having life threatening surgery, would you care about a more diverse surgeon performing your surgery? Or would you rather have the most qualified surgeon who is least likely to have a major complication regardless of his or her background? I 100% believe in the importance of affirmative action and supporting those who come from disadvantaged backgrounds, but to rank this above patient safety in the realm of high-risk surgery is ABSOLUTELY INSANE.”

I agree with you, I think it’s complete insanity to pick an inferior candidate for a job with life or death risks based on race or gender.

YOU PICK THE BEST DOCTOR, PERIOD!

I can’t believe we’ve reached the point in society where someone who is less likely to save a life is being selected for a job because it’s important for doctors to be diverse.

Imagine if NFL teams thought like this. What if NFL teams had to look like the rest of America? What if an SJW NFL owner was like, “I want my NFL team to perfectly reflect the diversity of American life to ensure that we’re appealing to everyone equally. Therefore my team will be 51% female, 49% male, and we’ll be 69% white, 14% Hispanic, 12% black and 5% Asian.”

Well, that team would reflect America, but it would also go 0-16 and might not score a touchdown all year long.

Plus, every woman would get knocked out for the entire year with an injury, probably, by week three.

Do you know why? Because all genders and races are not equally good at football and football is a meritocracy, the best players play regardless of race or gender.

And here’s the deal, the NFL doesn’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things. If your team isn’t good at football, it really makes no impact on American life. I mean, sure, I wish my team never lost a game, but in the grand scheme of things which team wins the Super Bowl doesn’t matter at all, it’s just entertainment.

Yet in a hospital the right doctor can mean life or death to a patient.

All I care about when it comes to serious surgery on someone I love is how good the surgeon is. I don’t care about a single other aspect of that surgeon’s life. I don’t care what race, gender or religion he is. I don’t care if he is a good dad or a good husband or what his political beliefs are.

Hell, if he performs surgery better after cheating on his wife in the dressing room before surgery because it makes him calmer and more relaxed, I even want him cheating on his wife before surgery.

I just care if he’s good at his job. I want the best guy, or girl, possible.

It’s insane to me that any hospital would be giving a less qualified person a life or death job because of their race or gender.

Absolutely insane.

Yet I also have zero doubt it’s happening all over the country.

“A good friend of mine matched with a girl on Tinder about six weeks ago and she has an eight year old daughter.  He is by no means ready to be a father and would be the first to admit this. They are both in their mid-thirties and based on what he has told me, she fucks like a champ.  Problem is, she is a bitch, yells at him for no reason, but she gives the “greatest blowjobs” ever.  

Recently, he is telling me that they are always arguing and when she gets drunk, it gets really escalated.  She apologizes, and after talking it out, they have “make-up sex.”

Last week, he tells me he is freaked out because after one of the arguments, her daughter walks in while they are having sex and lays in the bed with them.  After they believe her daughter is asleep, she wants him to continue (The Daughter’s 8!).  He, like I would assume most people, would be freaked the fuck out by this but he continued, per her demands.

He tells me he can’t stand her and wants to break up with her everyday.  He has started walking out during arguments and she talks him into returning.  Then, she has sex with him, causing the vicious cycle to continue.

I told him he needs to end the relationship and he agrees, but he enjoys the sex too much and doesn’t want to be without it.”

Here’s my rule on sex with kids in the room, ONCE THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER IT FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE — YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO IT!

This daughter is destined to be a stripper, a porn star or pregnant at 15, maybe all three.

Just totally unacceptable crazy ass mom behavior.

This girl is in third grade, no way can you have sex with her laying in the bed beside you. She will remember that for the rest of her life.

Couldn’t you move somewhere else in the house if it was that important?

Your buddy needs to run in the opposite direction from this crazy chick right now. Trust me, there are plenty of women who are good at sex and not crazy. Sure, good at sex and crazy are often connected, but not always.

I’m serious, run.

Otherwise he’s going to get this crazy chick pregnant and then his life is over.

“My mom was recently named one of top sales reps in her company. As a reward, the company sent her (along with the other top reps) on an all-expenses paid vacation to Cabo! Each invitee got to bring a plus-one, but my mom is divorced/single so she asked if I wanted to join. Me being a broke college student, of course I said yes to a free beach vacation. 

Fast forward to Cabo – we check into the resort and meet the rest of the reps by the pool for a cocktail hour meet & greet. I walk up to the poolside bar and immediately hit it off with one of the hottest girls I have ever seen in my life. Beautiful face, fake tits (the tasteful kind), a perfect Pilates butt, and long tone legs. I go to (redacted SEC school) and she was hotter than most girls I’ve seen walking around campus. So, we’re flirting, I’m buying her drinks, she’s laughing…it’s going great! Then my mom walks up. She proceeds to introduce me to  the VP of her company, who then introduces me to his fiancée aka the girl I’ve been talking to this entire time. 

(Sidebar: Money really is the ultimate equalizer. The VP looked to be well into his 50s. Turns out his hot ass fiancée was 28. No way she ends up with him if he isn’t rich!)

Long story short, the next day I continued to flirt with the VPs fiancée all day by the pool, which ended with her attempting to give me an OTPHJ in the hot tub that night. I took her back up to the room and we did the deed on the couch while my mom was out with her work friends. We snuck around the resort for the next few nights but only managed to make out and get a little handsy most nights. 

After the trip she went back home, I went back to college, and no one has any idea that any of this happened. That being said, I feel really guilty now and am kind of worried this may get out and impact my mom’s job. Should I confess to my mom or take this to my grave? What are the chances this gets out in your opinion…”

Well, odds of it getting out certainly increased when you wrote into the anonymous mailbag about it in specific detail.

If I was in sales, in my fifties and engaged to a smoking hot chick, I think I’d break up the engagement right now.

But, honestly, this dude may know about it and just not care. In fact, PLOT TWIST, what if he was banging your mom the whole time and the 28 year old “fiancee” was actually a prostitute hired for the whole week to keep you from realizing your mom was banging her boss the entire time?

This would be pure genius.

Otherwise, this guy may not care at all.

I mean, think about it. If you were in your fifties and you could date a completely faithful woman also in her fifties or date a smoking hot 28 year old who cheated on you, which are you picking? Now I might not get engaged to her, but I think I’d go with the smoking hot 28 year old who cheated on me.

Odds are if you’re in your fifties you’ve already got kids. And you can always find a woman in her fifties to date you too. So why not bang the unfaithful 28 year old while you can?

Having said that, I think you have to take this to your grave.

Until your mom gets fired.

Then you tell her all about banging her horrible ex-bosses fiancee.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.