Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

For the second week in a row I’m down here in a mansion on the beach. You can stay in a mansion on the beach as well if you check out the crew at 30acottages.com.

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag.

 

“I need your help understanding how to cope with this.

I’m 30 years old, married with a kid and I stopped by Walmart on my way home from work to get something to grill for dinner. On my way in, I noticed a few cheerleaders from a local high school at the exit fundraising for something. I was already dreading walking out. Can we pause for a moment here and talk about how annoying it is that some group is asking for money or selling something in front of Walmart all the time now? Back in the day you had Salvation Army at Christmas and Girl Scouts selling cookies and that was it. Now it’s a different group every single week. Moving on….I paid for my groceries and started walking out. I walk to the exit, turn the corner, look up and what do I see? One of the cheerleaders was bent over in the middle of the doorway (Tying her shoe? Stretching? I have no idea) and I saw her pussy. No panties or bloomers or whatever most girls wear under their cheerleading skirt. It was only a split second before she stood and went on her merry way but I am 100% certain of what I saw. Fortunately, the cheerleaders were talking to someone else as I exited (face down in horror), so I didn’t have to make up an excuse not to donate.

My question is how the hell am I supposed to feel about that? If I were 17, that would be the best thing that ever happened to me. But as a 30 year old, I feel pretty disgusted. Obviously, it was not my fault that I saw it, but I still feel weird about it. Do I just need to DBAP and get over it or what would you have done if this happened to you?”

Unless she just turned 18 years old and was filming a porn — I’ve heard these kinds of videos are popular, but I, of course, wouldn’t know anything about that — I think it’s highly unlikely that a high school cheerleader was raising money at WalMart without any underwear on.

Although if she was I bet it was the most money raised at WalMart in cheerleading history.

I think what is more likely is she was wearing light colored underwear that matched her leg color and you think you saw something that you didn’t see because you’re a pervert.

Just think about this from her perspective. If by miraculous chance this girl decided to go to Wal Mart and raise money without underwear on in her cheerleading outfit, do you think she’d be bending over to stretch or tie her shoe? Her teammates would clearly see her then. And unless the entire team is doing it — which would make them the most awesome cheerleading squad in history, the 92 Dream Team of cheerleading squads — don’t you think this would get back to the head of the cheerleading squad who, by the way, might stop by to check on her team too?

I just think the odds of this actually happening are minuscule.

Also, I think everyone reading this might go to jail.

So if I were you, I’d keep quiet about this and just #dbap. If it did actually happen — and my vote is you didn’t actually see what you think you saw — you didn’t see a man in your platoon’s leg get blown off in ‘Nam, you saw a naked teenage girl at Wal Mart.

I think you’ll survive.

“If you’re the arresting cop for Tiger over the weekend, or any high profile person, how hard would it be not to ask for money in exchange for driving them home yourself? I don’t think I have too shitty of morals but that’s literally the first thing I think of when I read this stuff.”

I wouldn’t ask for money, but if a rich person offered me money to drive them home in a situation like this, I’d be really tempted to take it. Think about this, you’re a cop making, what, $50k a year tops? If some rich dude like Tiger Woods wants to pay you $10k to drive him home — which is a drop in the bucket for Tiger — are you really making your community much less safe by making this decision? Instead of him giving that money to an attorney to get the case dismissed, he’s giving it to you directly.

I understand it’s wrong, but I’d damn sure be tempted to take it if I were a cop in this situation.

This is why, by the way, I believe the body cam on cops push isn’t going to be the panacea for citizens that many are hoping for. I think what you’ll see is that famous people get preferential treatment all the time, but so do regular people. It’s my belief that police officers arrest people much less frequently than they would be entitled to arrest them.

I think body cams make sense in cases of police shootings, but these are incredibly rare. Most cops will go years, potentially their entire careers, without ever having to pull the trigger. So most of what body cams show will be relatively normal police interaction with citizens.

Only instead of a police officer being able to defuse a situation with something short of an arrest, there is going to be a body camera that shows him being too lenient, which will then turn into a scandal when a famous person is involved.

Just wait.

Cops are getting crushed for overreaching now, but I think what you’ll see is there will be video soon of a high profile athlete clearly breaking the law and the cops will give him preferential treatment and we’ll be discussing why they weren’t penalized severely enough.

“So, my girlfriend and I live together in an SEC town. Anyways, one of my good buddies that lives in another state wants to come down for opening weekend of football and go to the game. The problem, however, is my girlfriend isn’t particularly fond of this friend. He came to visit a while back and he ended up getting hammered and throwing up all over our guest bathroom, then he got naked and slept on our couch. Then, to make matters worse he didn’t really apologize for it the next day. Needless to say, my girlfriend was pissed (even though I’m the one that cleaned that shit up). She told me after he left that he wasn’t welcome here anymore, but I already told him it was okay to come down for opening weekend. So, wise one, what’s the play here? How do I ask/tell my girlfriend? I feel like this is going to end up costing me, probably going to have to buy something to bribe her.”

Tell your girlfriend that you are giving your buddy one more chance to stay with you guys. And that you have expressly told him that if he isn’t a good house guest, you will ban him forever. Also tell your buddy he has to apologize to your girlfriend — and mean it — for what an ass he was last time he visited.

If this doesn’t satisfy your girlfriend and you don’t feel like a knock down drag out fight over this issue then maybe it’s time to ask your buddy about getting his own hotel room. I’m not sure how old he is, but at some point in time you have to graduate from staying with your friends and get your own hotel room.

That age can differ, but if you are staying in someone’s home and they aren’t a relative and they have young kids, you shouldn’t be staying there. And by the age of thirty if you can’t afford to take a trip and stay in a hotel room, then you shouldn’t be taking the trip.

 

“My co-workers and I work in an industry that requires a lot of driving, especially at night (we’re not truckers). We’ve gotten on the topic of entertaining ourselves while driving late at night. They said it’s perfectly normal and in fact entertaining to whip out your phone and masturbate while on the road late at night. I think this is borderline sociopathic behavior but they all agree that it’s normal. Is masturbating while driving at night normal or weird? All my co-workers think it’s normal and half my friends do. I think it sociopathic behavior.”

I’m not sure if it’s sociopathic behavior, but it’s definitely weird. Not to mention incredibly dangerous. Looking at your phone while you drive is incredibly dangerous by itself. And now you’re adding on jerking off while looking at your phone driving at night? It’s borderline impossible to manage this too. One hand holds the phone and the other hand holds your dick, right? How do you steer?

What if you hit a deer and he comes through the front windshield and slices off your dick with his antlers?

This just seems like a totally bad idea all around.

(Also, proving how different the sexes are, I’ll admit that I totally change my opinion if a girl is doing it. If a girl is doing this, it’s awesome.)

My test for whether behavior is weird or not is this, imagine that you got arrested doing it, would you be able to ever show your face again in public? If you got arrested for jerking off in your car and that was the top Google result when people put your name in online, your life is pretty much over. No idea how you bounce back from this.

So you can’t do it.

“This is short and sweet. My girlfriend dragged me and my wallet to Disney world, we are on day 3 of 5 now and I’m having the worst time of my life, as is my wallet. What do I do?”

It was your own dumbass fault for going to Disney World without kids in the first place.

You have no one else to blame but yourself.

Having said that, buy an Ariel costume and make her dress up for you.

Maybe Minnie Mouse too, you sicko. Those polka dots mixed with the yellow heels? Impossible to resist. Especially if she wears the mouse ears.

Okay, I’m rushing over to the SEC Spring Meetings now in Sandestin so I’ll be doing the afternoon Facebook/Periscope from there today.

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.