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It’s Tuesday, time for your day to be made perfect with the anonymous mailbag.
As always the anonymous mailbag is brought to you by the fine folks at The Home Loan Expert. Go to thehomeloanexpert.com right now and you can turn a mortgage rate in the 4’s into a rate in the 2’s just in time for the holiday. Tell them Outkick sent you and you get a free year of Outkick VIP.
So make it happen today.
Also, congrats to the University of Tennessee, which won the SEC’s best tailgate contest with a late surge. So we’ll have an Outkick party for UT sometime in the spring. In the meantime you can still check out all the tailgate videos here.
Here we go with the anonymous mailbag, live from Washington, D.C. Stay tuned to Twitter for some potentially cool news coming from D.C. later today.
“So my girlfriend and I are flying to Vegas in a couple of weeks and wanted to bring her sex toy with us. We aren’t checking bags in, we will only have carry on luggage. Well she is embarrassed by walking thru security with that in her bag and the TSA people smirking under their breath. I told her I’m sure they see lots of crazy stuff. So she wanted me to ask you and said if you thought the percentage of people bringing sex toys with them on trips is high and that security sees this stuff all the time then it would make her feel better.”
I’ve never actually thought about it before, but they have to see a lot of sex toys in checked bags at TSA. So I don’t think this would be a big deal to them. Plus, we’re talking about TSA here, 90% of all weapons still make it through checked bag screenings, so there’s a high probability they’d never even notice a sex toy.
But I have two easy ways to solve this issue if she’s truly concerned and checking a bag isn’t an option:
1. Put the sex toy in your bag and separate when you go through security. So you go through one line and she goes through another line. That way if the TSA agent sees the sex toy he either thinks it’s another woman’s near you — you could strategically join a line with a woman right in front of you — or he thinks it’s yours. Who cares what he thinks? You’re the one traveling to Vegas with a girlfriend taking her sex toys. Joke’s on him.
And, again, chances are he’s not able to associate a bag with a particular person anyway.
2. Buy a new version of the sex toy and have it shipped to your hotel. Pick it up there, use it, and then throw it away before you return to your hometown.
How much can that possibly cost? A hundred bucks? That’s money will spent if it makes the trip more fun than it otherwise would be. And chances are every guy reading this right now has spent way more than $100 to increase his chances of sex.
Boom, problem solved.
“I’m at a Christmas party on Saturday night and I see a pretty cute girl talking to a few of my friends. I walk over and see that that she is on crutches and is wearing a hip brace. We start small talking and she says tells me that she injured herself working out and she “suffered the same injury as Isiah Thomas”. That was obviously an incredibly sexy comment, and I end up taking her home (good time but a a weird hookup, she was not very mobile). Here is where it gets interesting. I’m asking her about herself the next morning and she tells me that she had just recovered from breaking her back. Her second serious injury in less than a year. That’s pretty unlucky. So I end up finding her on Facebook later that day and notice that, pre-back injury, she is wearing a walking boot in almost every single picture for a year. A THIRD major injury! This girl is Blake Griffin. Completely injury prone. This is a major red flag, right? This girl was very cool, but the thought of this girl constantly being on the IR not very attractive to me. Do I ask her out? Is this a deal-breaker?”
So you’re out here dating Mr. Glass from “Unbreakable,” I just hope she’s not hell bent on destroying the world.
I think you need to figure out what’s going on here, what kind of workout was she doing that she broke her hip? And how did she break her back? It’s possible she’s had one major injury and all of these are connected because her body got unaligned. (Also, I have no idea what “her body got unaligned” actually means, but I’m confident that all your friends are going to make jokes about banging her back into alignment. I’m also confident this isn’t going to work.)
But I don’t think you can not date a girl because of her injury history, it’s not like you’re an NBA GM, I think you just have to play the odds that these are a series of freak accidents. Also, it’s not like you’re locking up to a long term contract, at this point she’s basically on your practice squad. So I see limited risk here so long as you wear a condom. You don’t want to produce the next Greg Oden.
“I am in need of advice. I am a divorced dad of two kids, and this Christmas is my first holiday on my own with them so I have bought a Christmas tree. But I have no fucking clue how it should be decorated in the manner of a 44 year old bachelor.
Now, one of the ladies I’ve been seeing broke out all these pics on Pinterest for suggestions, but I’m not a gay dude looking to win any Martha Stewart awards.
Although a beer can tree, garlands of fishnet hose and bras appeals to me, I’m thinking my kids won’t appreciate it. So what should I do?
I’m an Aggie, so the whole maroon and white theme is appealing along with sports ornaments, and maybe some Star Wars and Marvel figures as well, but I want it to be funny and unique.
Ideas? I want my kids to be happy but also impress any female guests as well without coming off like a nerd.”
I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I’d take them out to by new Christmas tree ornaments of their choice. Give them a budget and tell them the tree is theirs to do with as they see fit.
Chances are the kids probably feel a bit dislocated having to spend Christmas at two different places so I think this will alleviate those concerns they might have. Plus, you’re a grown ass man, what the fuck do you care what a Christmas tree looks like anyway?
Every woman that sees your tree — filled with ornaments selected by your children — will consider you to be an awesome dad for making this decision, meaning they are probably more likely to sleep with you, which, let’s be honest, is all you’re concerned about anyway.
“I really – REALLY – need your help understanding something from a fathers perspective.