Anonymous Mailbag

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Videos by OutKick

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

We’ve got an awesome contest for you guys over the next couple of weeks, all 14 videos from Outkick and The Home Loan Expert’s SEC tailgate tour are all up here. Vote for your favorite SEC school’s tailgate scene and the school that gets the most votes will win an Outkick on campus party.  

Seriously, this is going to be awesome, so go check it out and vote early and often for your favorite school here.

“Longtime reader/listener here.  I am part of a group of 4 buddies that do an RV road trip each fall to attend a college football game.  This year we settled on the Iron Bowl (we’ve never been).  Back in the summer we picked up our tickets and made travel arrangements.  How lucky are we that the year we choose the Iron Bowl it ends up being a Top 10 matchup and it will decide the SEC West?!?!

Anyway, this morning one of the guys sends out this text (he’s a lawyer, his wife’s in grad school):  “Well gentlemen, it pains me to do this but I am out for this weekend.  (His wife) has been sick for the last week and has less than 3 weeks to get everything done this semester.  As a result we are staying home for Thanksgiving so that she can work and I will be managing (their 8 year-old).  I’m really disappointed but it is what it is.  Please see if you can find someone to fill in for me.  If they can pitch in for part of the ticket, great.  I’ll still pitch in for my part of the RV parking spot unless my replacement wants to cover it.  I’m really sorry guys.  Beyond my control.”

My first thought was “this is a joke, right.”  But no, this is true.  Now one of the other guys is going to bail because he wants to incur no more costs.  This puts our trip in serious jeopardy.  Tell me this trip isn’t going to fall apart over one guy’s wife procrastinating on grad school work!  

Any advice/help you can offer would be most appreciated.”

First, this is a bullshit excuse, their kid is EIGHT YEARS OLD.
Eight year olds aren’t that much work. I get that you might not want to do it, but if I gave my eight year old his iPad for the entire day and told him he could watch whatever he wants in the kid section, I’d come find him 12 hours later and he’d still be perfectly fine.
I’d understand if your buddy had an eight month old or an infant, but a single eight year old kid isn’t that much work. Even for a long weekend.
Plus, if it’s that much work you could also get a babysitter to come over for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to help out as well. Hell, if you give a babysitter $200 for the weekend they’d probably move into your house and take care of the kid all day Saturday and Sunday.
So I think your buddy is full of shit here. Something else is going on here. I think your buddy’s wife doesn’t want him to do on this trip and she’s using her work load and her sickness as a reason why he shouldn’t go and your buddy is being a pussy and not standing up to her.
As for others potentially bailing, I’m sure you can get his ticket sold there and make way more than you guys paid for his ticket. If you do that then the trip should end up actually costing you less than you expected.
So that’s the pitch I’d make for the other two guys, you can still do the trip without your pussy friend and it’s going to end up costing you less than you expected.

“My best friend and I (both avid listeners of outkick) attend the two largest universities in Texas and frequently make the sub two hour drive to see each other. What I thought would be just another spontaneous Thursday night visit turned out to be something that we would never forget the rest of our lives.

We had just been planning on hanging out, watching ball like any average pair of guy friends. A girl he had fucked around with in the past sent him a Snapchat basically saying she was horny and ready for another session and he quickly responded saying probably not tonight because I was in town. After a few more snaps sent back and forth SHE was the one who brought up the idea for a threesome. It was something my friend and I have always talked about, obviously hoping for 2 women involved rather than men. Nevertheless, we mutually agreed this was something that couldn’t be passed up. 
Keep in mind as the girl agreed to make her way over to my friend’s apartment that she had not even seen a photo of what I looked like, didn’t know my name, and certainly knew nothing about me. 
After briefly chumming up some small talk, everyone slowly made their way to the bed where the sober threesome began and finished.
Honestly, my friend and I didn’t realize what had happened until afterwards. It was all kind of a blur as to what happened during intercourse. Arguably the best part of it all is I have no idea what her name is and as she departed she said “nice to meet you.”
Granted, she was by no means a dime piece, but how ridiculous is this story in your eyes? A girl is so down for sex that she decides to have a threesome with a guy she’s fucked before and his friend whom she never saw a photo of before.”
Maybe stuff like this happened in the 1980’s and 1990’s and early 2000’s, but I just find it hard to believe that regular college girls were just getting banged by two dudes at the same time anywhere near as often as stuff like this happens now.
When I read stories like these I honestly have to ask, why would any guy ever get married other than to have kids? If you can just snapchat random chicks and they will come over and bang you and your buddy, why would you ever give that up to get married so your wife will have sex with you two or three times a week? (At best).
Again, for kids marriage makes sense.
But if you don’t want kids, why ever get married?
It used to be that a big way women got men to commit to marriage was by withholding sex. That concept had pretty much faded away by my generation, but it’s fair to say that every year sex gets easier and requires less time and effort. That is, the amount of work that an average guy has to do to have sex with an average girl continues to decline.
So much so that I honestly wonder if marriage is just going to die for my kids generation. Or maybe dudes just get so sexed out they get tired of it? Or you get too old to pick up girls you want to sleep with so you get married? How old do you have to be for this to happen? Especially since as a guy ages he gets more money so he becomes more attractive to girls. Not to mention that guys and girls are both in much better shape now as they age than ever before.
45 or 50?
I’m genuinely curious about this dynamic over the next twenty years or so.
Because I think marital ages for guys are going to just keep creeping up well into the thirties. I tell my boys at least once a month that they should never get married before thirty and now I’m starting to wonder if they are going to get married before forty. Because if you can just keep banging random hot chicks with little to no effort, why would your average guy ever get married?
By the way, funniest thought about this story to me, what if this girl got pregnant during your threesome with you and your buddy and she decided to keep the baby? How fucked would one of you be? I would pay to watch you guys Periscope the DNA test results for this baby. Do you celebrate if you aren’t the dad or do you feel too bad for your buddy to even celebrate?
One of you is home free here, but the other of you has to spend the rest of your life supporting a kid that was born in a male, male, female threeway. What do you tell the kid about how you met? And what kind of other crazy decisions is this chick going to make for the rest of her life?
Imagine how much different your sex life would be if you knew that one of the girls you have sex with is going to have an out of wedlock baby with you. How much does this cut down your lifetime sex partners? 80%, 75%? What if you had to have a kid with the least desirable person you’ve ever slept with? This like throwing your DNA in a dumpster and lighting it on fire.
Another question for you, what do American sex lives look like today if AIDS never happens? That is, the entire period in the 1980’s and 1990’s when people are all getting AIDS and dying from it never happens. We just go straight from the 1960’s free love era to now and everything else stays the same except AIDS never exists.
I think it looks like whatever the 2030’s will end up looking like. Would we already have sex robots?
Personally, my hope for my own 2030’s sex life is just that my penis still works.
“I’m in my mid-30s and have a group of friends that get together every Friday night for a few drinks and laughs. We’ve all known each other for a long time so we rip on each other in good fun and no one takes anything personally. A couple weeks ago I was a little late and walk up to the table with everyone laughing their asses off, except for 1 guy, we’ll call “Chris.” I walk up and ask what’s so funny and through the laughter they say “Chris is a stand-up wiper!” I have no idea what a stand-up wiper is, so I’m like what the hell does that mean? Apparently he stands up to wipe after taking a shit. Our buddy Chris caught shit for this rest of the night. And now guys in the group are calling him SUW- pronounced Sue. 
Now I’m completely amazed at this, because I am also a stand-up wiper. But I also had no idea there was another way to do it! In the time since I have tried wiping the other way, but it feels incredibly odd and I can’t help but think I’m getting perilously close to sticking my hand in a huge turd. I know Chris is dying on the inside, and I want to tell him “It’s ok man, I’m a stand-up wiper too.” But there’s no way in hell I’m opening myself up to this ridicule. What do I do here, stay silent and let the poor guy keep taking a razing, or do I fess up to help the guy out?”
Wait, every guy doesn’t stand up and wipe?
I totally stand up and wipe and I know all three of my boys do too. (I don’t know at what age you stop being involved in your kids bathroom issues — I’m guessing puberty — but my boys just come walking right in the bathroom while I’m pooping and stand around and have conversations just like we were sitting at the dinner table or out watching TV.)
The other day my seven year old walked into the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet and he was like, “Dad, do you think Jalen Hurts is better than AJ McCarron?” (He watches YouTube videos of old Bama games and highlights). Now maybe this is just how Alabama fans act, but I’m sitting there thinking, “Can I just shit in peace? Is that too much to ask?”
Anyway, we’ve had the debate about the idiot guys who wipe toward their balls as opposed to wiping away from their balls — seriously, how do some of you wipe shit towards your balls, you guys shouldn’t be allowed to vote — but I have to say, I thought every guy stood up when they wipe. (We all know girls don’t ever poop so I have no idea what they do in the bathroom. Speaking of which, last night when we got to our place in Florida my wife told me the toothpaste was in her toiletry bag and I almost passed out looking at everything in there. The array of products a woman uses in the bathroom is literally so overwhelming I nearly fainted. I have no idea what all those products do. Here is what’s in my “toiletry bag”: a toothbrush, a razor and some shaving cream. That’s it.)
If I were you I would have immediately joined the group and announced I was a stand up wiper too.
Is this actually rare?
Am I really a freak here?
Isn’t sitting on the toilet and leaning forwards while you reach behind you much more effeminate? Not to mention way less effective? I want a good ole American man ass wiping, not some limp-wristed French method.
(FYI, my wife just read this while I was answering and asked the boys how they wipe their bottoms after they go number two. AND THEY JUST SAID THEY DO IT SITTING DOWN TOO. Butt wiping Judases, I tell you.)

“Clay, this whole Roy Moore thing is interesting.  I think it is fairly clear that even if the teenage girls that Roy Moore was targeting were 18, it would have been problematic for the local DA to cruise for them at the mall deliberately.

However, what would be your view if Roy had simply gone into the mall to buy a shirt, and an 18 yr old high school senior had made it clear that she was interested?  Is he doing the wrong thing by indulging her if he is 30? What about 40 or even 50?  I ask Clay, because these things happen. The daddy complex is alive and well.”

I think if you’re single and a hot girl over the age of majority wants to bang you, you should be able to bang her regardless of your age.

Now I understand why others would view you strangely if, say, you were 40 and you were dating an 18 year old, but I don’t see why there’s anything particularly wrong with it. Honestly, I think the 18 year old has way more issues than the 40 year old. I can totally understand why a middle-aged man would want to be with a young, good looking girl, but I have no idea why a young, good looking girl would want to be with a middle-aged guy.

Having said that, I think a good rule of thumb is that your youngest dating partner should be half your age plus seven years.

I’m 38 so that would mean I could date anyone 26 and up.

If you’re fifty that would give you 32 and up.

I think that’s a pretty decent rule to apply in general.

…

Hope y’all have fabulous Thanksgivings. I’m off to the beach.

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.