Anonymous Mailbag

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It’s Tuesday and I’m here to solve all of the problems in the OutKick universe with the anonymous mailbag.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions, preferably having nothing to do with COVID, to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Come up with as funny and entertaining of questions as possible.

Okay, let’s roll:

“We need you to settle a work debate for us. If you were told that drinking a 7/11 big gulp of your own urine (on ice, this is important) would guarantee your team a national championship/Super Bowl, etc. would you do it? I definitely would and I’m an Alabama fan, so not exactly starved for success, but I’ve been called crazy. These same people said they would drink it for $5,000. We’re reasonably well-paid professionals in our 30’s, so five grand isn’t life changing money, and I’d definitely pay five grand to guarantee a title.

The second part of this question is what fanbases would have the highest proportion of their fans drink their own urine to win a title and how many of their fans would do it? My money says Bills Mafia has at least 50% taking the chug with probably the Jets and Browns up there too. Michigan football fans would definitely do this, but they wouldn’t admit to it. What do you think? Am I way off here?”

I think most SEC football fans, who are the most passionate in the country in my opinion, would drink a big gulp of their own urine to win a title in a heartbeat. That’s especially true for the teams that have never won a football title in the SEC. You’re telling me Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Arkansas, Texas A&M, Missouri, South Carolina, Kentucky and Vandy fans wouldn’t choke this thing down in order to win a national title?

I don’t even think this is a tough call. They all would.

In general, I think college football fans would be the most likely to drink their own urine, followed by NFL fans, but I think you’d also have to analyze the specific title droughts. A Detroit Lions fan, for instance, would be more likely to drink his own urine than a New England Patriots fan would.

The more diehard the fan base is and the longer it has been since they won a title, the more likely they would be to drink the urine. Also, as a general rule, the “dumber” the collective fan base is, the more likely they drink the urine. Northwestern’s fan base would, in my estimation, hold out at a higher rate than Indiana or Wisconsin’s would, for example.

Now, to be fair, I’ve (fortunately) never had to be in some sort of survival situation where drinking your own urine is required, but based on my “Man vs. Wild” viewing over the years, I know that drinking your own urine isn’t particularly dangerous to you. That is, you can do it and not be in danger. In fact, if you desperately need fluids in a survival situation, there is some value to drinking your own urine.

Add in that you’re drinking it on ice, which dilutes your urine even more substantially with water, and while I don’t think it would be that enjoyable, I don’t think it would be that awful either. So I think even when you analyze it from the how awful would it be to do it perspective, it isn’t that bad.

As for money, I’d WAY rather get a title than $5000. Granted, everyone’s dollar value here is different, but how much does $5000 change the average person’s life? Not that much, honestly. I mean, sure, it’s better to have than not have, but it’s not like you’re paying off a house, a car, or student loans with $5k. Your life isn’t changing that much with an extra $5k.

That’s why I think you have to standardize the money so it’s an equal percentage of someone’s income. What if you had to choose, a 10% raise next year, for that year only, or a national title for your favorite team?

Personally, I’d take the national title and stick at my current salary.

Now if I were a Bama fan and I’d recently won a bunch of titles, I’d be less likely to make that trade, but as a Tennessee Titans and University of Tennessee sports fan primarily, I’m not that confident I’ll ever see another title in my lifetime.

I’m not trying to be greedy here, I’d just love to see a single Titans Super Bowl championship and another Tennessee football or a first-ever basketball title at some point before I die. So I’d take the title over the raise.

“God help me, there’s a poop talker in the building. He always talks to you as soon as you enter the bathroom. Sometimes he’ll ask, ‘How’s it going?’ and other times he’ll ask, ‘Who is it?’

This isn’t a single bathroom, this is a two toilet, two urinal bathroom. I have not been able to answer and just back away. How do I handle this?”

Does he want to have conversations with you while you’re both pooping, or is it just an initial greeting?

A public pooping experience is approximately 10,000% better if there’s no one else in the bathroom with you. Everyone knows that awful feeling when you’re luxuriating in the bathroom by yourself and then you hear what sounds like the bathroom door opening and you have those few seconds where you think — did someone just come in? — before you hear the footfalls and know for sure.

I’m trying to think of why the talkative pooper needs to know who’s in the bathroom with him — is there someone he loves or hates pooping alongside and this information is important to him? Has he had some horribly awful poop experience in the past, and he has post-traumatic poop history that he’s trying to assuage via questioning?

I need to know his story too.

“Clay, I’m 27 and I have a group of 4 friends that I have grown up with since kindergarten. One of our buddies in the group has a Gf who he’s been on and off with over the years. We live in the south and he met his gf in the Midwest in college. She’s terrible (given him STD’s and just all around one of the most obnoxious chicks we’ve met). My buddy pretty much gave up on dating (no confidence) and decided to rekindle things with her. After a few weeks of texting her again he tells us he’s moving to the Midwest to live with her. She makes good money, he doesn’t, she makes ALL the decisions, he says yes ma’am.

He pretty much moved out there overnight without even telling any of us. I actually texted him one day after not talking to him for a week or so and he made up some excuse as to why he had to move out there and had no time to tell us. We wanted to throw him a big going away party. He has also quit in our fantasy football league that has a high payout and left both group chats we have with our friends because we have been calling him out for being a pussy and a bad friend. Pretty much cutting all ties with us.

My question is, what’s the play here? Do I swallow my pride and reach out and make things up? Or do I continue being stubborn and let him live a miserable life.”

While I understand the disdain that you and your friends may have for this girlfriend, this feels like more of an issue with your buddy than it is with her. In particular, you say she’s successful in life and he, at least in comparison to her, isn’t. That makes me feel like what he’s craving isn’t so much a relationship as it is a pathway to success, or at least success as he’s defining it, and he’s seeing that pathway by being as close to her as possible.

So rather than focus on the relationship aspect here and deciding how to handle that, it’s important to note he didn’t just enter back into a relationship with her. He completely quit the existing life he was living, and he did it rapidly in order to tie himself on to her life’s path.

To me, this feels like your buddy is looking for a life raft and he’s using her as the salvation to rescue him from a drowning direction he was headed that he doesn’t like. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying everyone who uproots their life and moves to a new city to be with someone in a relationship is desperately seeking a new direction in life — sometimes it’s worth moving to be in a new community and commit to a serious relationship — but when you abandon your entire existing life for one person, that, at least to me, seems way more about the person who is moving than it does the person who is being moved for.

In other words, your analysis of your friend is backwards, this is about him, not her.

My thought is maybe he’s experiencing a failure to launch and believes that if he goes overboard with her this will solve whatever life issues he’s having. Unfortunately for your friend, it’s very rare that someone else solves the holes in your own life. People believe that they can because it offers a convenient solution, but I truly believe that you can’t be happy or successful in your own life without being happy and successful in your own life.

That is, it’s about you, not the partner.

Given this analysis, assuming you value your friendship, I’d counsel you think about it from this perspective. It isn’t her, it’s him.

Final thought, he may have decided that you and your friends are part of what’s holding him back. That is, he may not be that interested in a relationship with you and your friends. After all, the actions he’s undertaken suggest he’s not fond of the life he was living and he wants a new life. I’m skeptical that will work for him because he’s effectively going all in on this relationship in a new city and he’s going to have no other outlets to connect with, but it’s a choice he’s made.

My bet, if I had to place a bet, will be the relationship with the girl collapses — because I doubt he’s going to be that good of a partner for her, if she’s successful why does she want to be with someone who isn’t — and ends up broken up with this girl and back in your hometown within in a couple of years.

Then I bet he comes crawling back to you guys.

Honestly, I feel bad for this guy. He lacks the confidence to realize he controls his fate, not the people around him.

“Last week I read your answer to the reader who asked if it was crazy that he didn’t wash his hands after he pees. For the record I agree with his and your take on that, but it reminded me of something disgusting I learned about my friend this past summer.

I was with some buddies at the lake over the summer when I discovered that my friend doesn’t wash his hands after he poops and wipes. He told me he rarely washes his hands after pooping/wiping and only does it if it’s ‘really bad.’ He truly acted like this was no big deal and I was strange for treating it like a disgusting habit.

What is your take on this? I can’t wrap my head around it. For 28 years I’ve been washing my hands with soap every time after I poop. Even if I poop and get the sacred ‘ghost wipe’ I still wash my hands with soap. It just boggles me to think there are people walking around pooping, putting there hands up their butt to wipe away the remnants, and going about their day not having washed their hands. Am I crazy or is this not really a big deal?”

I think you need to wash your hands after pooping.

But, and I may be a social pariah after saying this, but I really don’t care that much either if you don’t. I mean, I’m not a germaphobe. I’ve got three boys in my house. Do you know how much urine and feces is scattered all over this house? My kids can barely pee and poop in a toilet now.

Our bathroom looks like a murder scene after these kids go pee half the time.

I don’t see it, but I picture every peeing trip as the equivalent of one of those fire hoses that the fire department can’t control and it’s just spraying water everywhere.

I’d like to say my kids wash their hands after every poop, but there’s a zero percent chance they do. That’s despite me telling them to do so.

Hell, half the time they forget to flush.

Anyway, after all the diaper pooping changes and the perpetual runny noses that kids have, I feel like my immune system needs to be having regular battles to make sure it’s up to the challenge.

Now if you’ve got the flu — or even a bad cold — I don’t want you coming to my house and sneezing all over the place, but generally speaking, I don’t worry too much about other people’s life choices as long as they’re legal.

I’m too worried about the daily frenzy of my eighteen jobs, three young kids, and a wife to be concerned about people who wash their hands after the bathroom.

“I have spent the past 14 years in education, seven as a teacher in the free state of Texas and the past seven as a high school administrator in a mid-size Midwest city. Up until this year, 6 of those 7 years in the Midwest have been spent as a head football coach with mixed success. After a season dealing with COVID, I felt helpless and needed a change moving from a large, semi-urban high school to a small rural district as assistant principal.

I thought this change would end some of that bitterness towards what teachers unions and democrat leaders did to kids as a result of COVID restrictions, but it had the opposite effect. I have become increasingly pissed at being part of a profession that pretends to talk incessantly about helping alleviate systemic racism, while teachers unions in large urban centers push to stay virtual, a fact that will ABSOLUTELY ruin those kids chances at future success. I can not continue to go down a path where my core beliefs are in direct opposition to the goals of teachers unions.

So this is where I find myself. Father of 3 who has reached the top of the ladder in education and coaching, but am physically and mentally exhausted. I come home to my 2 year old son begging to wrestle and play basketball and I muster up 30 minutes of little tikes cross over and face smashing dunks before putting him to bed, then I draw and read with my older daughters, before scrolling job boards and falling asleep on the coach at 8:00 PM. I want something different and have landed on learning about and pushing to become a project manager. From a man who has changed his careers and reinvented himself multiple times, when I do decide to start actively looking for these jobs what skills do I lean into? I know I’ll be competing with 30 year old’s who have been project managers since they graduated with that prestigious communications degree 7 years earlier.

I can offer leadership, proven success, ability to build relationships with multiple stakeholders, hard work, and efficiency in changing processes… but I do not have that ever elusive 5-7 years project management experience. Do I suck it up and become an angry assistant principal for the next 20 years or take a massive pay cut to get an entry level job where my grey hair will be just as out of place as my failure to give my pronoun when introducing myself? Or is there a way to leverage what I HAVE done to make me more marketable to national hiring processes? Thoughts, suggestions, anything!”

I encourage people to change careers all the time before they have kids because the risk factors aren’t that high. If you’re a single guy or girl, you’re going to be able to find a job, you aren’t going to be homeless. But once you have kids and you have three young kids yourself, I think your risk tolerance has to be dialed back to a great degree. Because it’s really not about you anymore, it’s about taking care of your kids.

So let’s start here, what do you and your wife make a year right now and how much “extra” do you have on top of your dual salaries now? You need to have a legitimate conversation with your wife about your financial situation. Only if you can even afford to change jobs would I consider it going forward.

You also need your wife to embrace your move too. So this needs to be a significant conversation that the two of you have, no hiding costs or avoiding difficult analysis.

If you can afford to change jobs, then you next need to think about whether the new job is going to truly make you happier. Or, as many find to be the case, do you become frustrated with that new job too? In other words, are you frustrated with your job or are you frustrated with your life? Many people, I think, misdiagnose why they’re unhappy and expect that a new job will cure everything. It often doesn’t.

One thing I’d encourage here, it seems as if COVID has made you much more frustrated at your current job than you were before. Well, the COVID mess, blessedly, will eventually end. At least in the way it has been going in schools for the past couple of years. I’d encourage you to consider working another year at your job and see if the burn out situation lessens as COVID issues in schools fade.

Furthermore, I’d encourage anyone out there who is feeling burned out after two years of COVID insanity to think about changing the way you spend your time outside of work. For instance, it legitimately boggles my mind how many people spend all day on social media who have jobs that have nothing to do with social media.

Why would you allow your emotions to get yanked all over the place all day long as part of your leisure time activities? That doesn’t make sense to me.

My job requires me to be on social media all day long. But you know what I don’t do in my limited free time? Go scroll by Facebook to see what my high school friends think about current events. I haven’t been on a social media app for something other than work in a decade. I’d rather spend the free time I have with my kids or my wife or reading a book or watching a TV show I enjoy.

Put your phone to the side occasionally and live life without worrying about what happens on your phone every minute. (I spend eight hours a day on my phone so there’s a certain irony in me saying this, but even I’m trying to dial back the amount of time I’m on my phone.)

Spend more time on things that you enjoy. That will help you recharge for when you have to do things that you don’t enjoy. I think that’s great advice for everyone who feels frustrated or burned out at work. Sometimes the work isn’t the cause of the anger and frustration you might be feeling, it’s just a symptom of the other issues you’re having in your life.

Hope this helps and good luck with your decision.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com.

And I hope you guys have great weeks.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

6 Comments

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  1. – Big Gulp Piss: This one isn’t even that edgy. I have money but I’d drink my own piss for $1k, no problem. I’d drink my own piss to win another natty 100%. Real question is would you drink your buddy’s piss, your uncle’s piss, your grandma’s piss, etc., warm, out of a Big Gulp cup for these things? How bad do you want it?

    • You have money but you’d drink a big gulp full of your own piss for $1k? I’m calling BS. Does FSU come to Jacksonville or even Gainesville this year? Notably, I also have a little money and I’d happily pay $1,000 to see you drink a 32 oz full of your own piss. *Will require a spotter in there watching you like Barry Bonds taking a drug test to confirm*. With that caveat, go Noles and I look forward to tailgating with you next season.

      • I agree with him. I’m not in dire need of $1000 but I’d absolutely drink a cup of piss for $1000. And I’d definitely drink a cup of piss to see LSU when a national title. I once drank a whole 12oz coors light for no money. Piss can’t be much worse.

      • lmao.. If it’s my own piss straight from the tap I’m def in for $1k. No questions asked. 32oz is a lot of piss but I’ve done equally as gross of shit before like getting my redwings lololol..

        UF/FSU is Tallahassee this year. Friday night game after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Tallahassee only has Circle K so it’ll have to be a Polar Pop haha

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