It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for me to solve all the problems in the OutKick universe with the anonymous mailbag.
You can send your anonymous mailbag questions — make them entertaining and/or funny as best you can, we all need some relief from seriousness right now — to firstname.lastname@example.org.
(And, by the way, your questions have been fantastic of late, keep them coming.)
With that in mind, here we go:
“About a year ago my dad was having open heart surgery and had about a 50/50 chance of survival. He was only allowed to have one person come into the hospital to see him during visiting hours and we all agreed it was best for my mom to fill that role. My dad and I are very close and I thought if this is the end I should go see him, so I started to review the hospital policy on visitors. As it turns out clergy were allowed to visit patients as well.
I made a few phone calls to the nursing staff about proof of ID, printed out a free pastoral certificate, put on my best ‘asexual man in his 40’s outfit’ and brought along a Bible to complete the experience. After checking in at the front desk I was escorted by a nun to my dad’s room and thanked her for her time. My dad was stunned to see me and we had a great talk for about an hour.
He’s fine now but one question is greatly debated with my friends and family… if God is real and we are judged for our actions how’s He going to react to this moment of greatness? Your thoughts would be much appreciated.”
This is an amazing story — and a potential brilliant move for many people out there who are still dealing with visitor limitations in hospitals.
If I were God, I would elevate you in my heavenly standings based on this move.
At the very least, it should cancel out some of your prior sins. (By the way, have we considered how long the line is going to be if jerking off is actually a sin? Do you think they just roll that into one sin or would your jerking off be itemized for decades? If so, can you imagine some of the lines to enter heaven? God forbid, I get in line behind the porn addicts.)
By the way, if heaven is real and you wait to get judged to enter, I know I’m going to get dinged post-death for complaining about the lines to get in heaven. Can we get heavenly fast pass? I HATE lines. More than almost anyone. I may end up in hell just based on what I’d say in the waiting lines to get into heaven.
Also, I’ll just say it, I’m not that much of a fan of the idea of infinity. I think it would get boring. I really do. Especially if there’s no conflict and everyone is nice all day long. I’ve had this same complaint, by the way, since I was a kid attending Southern Baptist church. I remember asking our preacher and he said, “Don’t worry about that, you won’t get bored in heaven.”
And I was like, “Well, how is that possible?”
And the preacher said, “God will keep you from getting bored.”
And I said, “Why doesn’t he keep me from getting bored now?”
And the preacher said, “It’s snack time!”
But I still have the same question. Basically, I’m just not sure eternal life is all it’s cracked up to be. Seems kind of like the Big 12 in the playoff, looks good on paper, gets smoked once it finally plays somebody.
“About a month ago I went to visit some friends in our hometown. While I was there I stayed with one of my closest friends at his parents house (we both live in other cities, but were there for the same reason, plus his parents are loaded and the house is massive). A little backstory, we grew up together in high school, went to different colleges, but still remain very close. He has a younger sister who is now a freshman at college (SEC School). The first night we were in town, we all met up at another buddies house to pregame and then hit the bars. Buddy #2 also has a sister that is the same age as Buddy #1’s sister so, as new college kids, they pregamed with us and hit the bars with us. No big deal, everyone had a great time and we all stumbled home around 2am.
That’s when the story gets juicy. I was staying in the basement guest room of Buddy #1. His room was upstairs, as was his sister. Well, about 20 minutes after getting back from the bar, I was about to get into bed and look at who walks in my room .. his 18 year old (smokeshow) sister. (I’m 25) She starts ‘catching up’ so we’re talking about college and who she still talks to from our hometown etc. Next thing I know we’re both in bed and she’s putting out all the signs that she’s trying to bang. So I make the move and one thing leads to another and there we are acting out scenes from the latest Riley Reid production. I’m talking about certified nympho that I will NEVER forget. We’re walking through her PARENTS house butt ass naked leaving the musty scent of pure sex in every corner of the house. ALL WHILE her parents and one of my best friends are sleeping in the same house. This went on till like 730 am where I had to sneak down (STILL ASS NAKED) from her room, back to the basement where I was staying while her dad made breakfast in the kitchen. Yeah, I should be the next 007.
Ok so the next day comes around. His mom 100000% knows exactly what went down and is asking all these investigative questions as I’m trying to capture the shampoo effect by downing mimosas at 830 in the morning. I’m a professional bullshitter so I moonwalk through those questions. BUT little miss 18 year old happened to leave her phone down in my room so my buddy immediately put two and two together. Boom there it is. I just had one of the craziest sex nights of my life with one of my best friends 18 year old sister and not only did he find out, his mom and dad know too. Awesome. I’m mortified, but I power through because, well, I’m still glowing with honor. Me and my buddy had a few words, I basically told him sorry, but I’m not that sorry and if my sister ever wants to fuck him, he’s more than welcome. He was a little upset at first, but after I told him how it happened I think he felt more shame for his sister than anger towards me.
My question for you would be this: Am I the bad guy for banging my friend’s sister? Should he have been more mad? Is there an acceptable timeframe or situation where you find it acceptable to bang a buddies sister? Will his parents ever talk to me again?
P.S. Half of me sending this was to brag, but also to give us outkickers something better than fucking COVID questions non-stop.”
I mean, these are two PHENOMENAL emails to start off the anonymous mailbag today.
Golf clap to our emailers.
Every single guy reading this right now would pay $20 for this girl’s Instagram account link. No questions asked. But this is the anonymous mailbag so that will never happen. And you’re all perverts for even thinking about something like this.
Okay, let’s break this down. In general, banging a good buddy’s LITTLE sister, I think the age matters here, is a big no no. (If you’d banged a sister who was seven years older than you, I don’t think it’s as big of an issue at all.) But the bigger issue here, at least I think from the older brother’s perspective, is this was a no strings attached banging. It’s not like you guys dated or had a serious relationship. You just used his parents’ house like your own private Caligula’s playground.
I’m glad I have sons because if I woke up late one night to go get a snack out of the refrigerator and saw my teenage daughter on all fours getting banged on the kitchen counter by a guy seven years older than her, I think I’d probably have a heart attack.
Or at least wish I did.
The only thing that saves you is the fact that she initiated all the sexual activity. That is, she chose to come down to where you were sleeping. She’s the driving force here. Which is why I think ultimately you have a strong defense.
And your strong defense is this: How many single men, after a night out drinking, turn down sex from a hot girl who comes to where they are sleeping and seduces them?
The answer is almost zero.
I really mean this. If a hot girl really tries to sleep with a single guy, the guy will almost always sleep with her. Every guy reading this is nodding his head along in agreement. And a few girls are saying, “Not true, I tried to sleep with (insert guy here) and I had the hottest pajamas on and he turned me down and went to sleep!”
Well, ladies, I hate to break it to you (and his current wife), but that man is gay.
Your buddy certainly knows this, which is why that’s the perfect defense for you here. If you guys had been at your house and your hot sister had tried to sleep with him, he would have slept with her too. He knows it, you know it, everyone reading this knows it.
Hell, your buddy’s dad knows it too. It’s why he can’t be that angry at you either.
You did nothing wrong. You were going to bed and, really, she banged you.
My suspicion here is that you were her older brother’s hot friend that she always had a crush on and she took the opportunity to finally act on that crush.
Luckily for you, she’s now legal and in college.
“My wife of 10 years recently shared an Instagram message with me from a friend of hers about some innocuous whatever that she wanted me to see, but as I closed the message I saw her inbox, which had a message from someone I recognized from her past.
It was an ex of hers.
I opened it and saw several messages like ‘miss you’ ‘you’re so beautiful’ ‘Are you at (restaurant)? I’m here too’ she would respond with heart eye emojis, ‘how are you?,’ ‘haha what gave it away, the booth we are in? Lol,’ respectively.
I started shaking as I quickly read this but our kids were both up and in the living room with us so I held my shit together until bedtime when we were alone.
Once we were alone, I asked about the messages and she looked like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Some background: this person was the last guy she dated before we got back together and got married. We had like a 6 month break before we ultimately decided we wanted to be husband and wife.
This guy and my wife went to high school together. She swears they hung out but didn’t hook up. The last time she saw this guy, she lied to me and told me she was going to meet one of her girlfriends. I had suspicions, checked her texts, this is back in 2010, and she let him know ‘I’m at the bar.’ Don’t know what bar or why they met. I never confronted her about it though because we had just had our first born and I didn’t want to rock the boat?
I probably should have back then. Back to the DM’s. I confronted her this time and let her know that I saw the DM’s and what the hell is this person doing messaging you and why are you not blowing him off? Heck, why are you even IG friends with him? She thanked me for asking the question and said she was sorry it hurt me. That was it. She was kind of robotic about it. Since she didn’t answer my anger with any anger or argument I had nothing to say. She kind of disarmed me. We went to bed and she whispered I love you and squeezed my arm before she turned on her side and went to sleep.
She unfriended him the next day. But it hasn’t come up since. Did I catch her cheating? No. Did any of the messages say ‘thanks for the parking lot bj the other day’? No. But why is someone who she supposedly hasn’t seen in 10 years DM’ing? And why isn’t she telling him ‘I’m married, please respect that.’ She’s giving him fucking heart eyes? Should I be upset? Am I overreacting? Do you think they’ve been hooking up this whole time? I know she unfriended him on IG but in this day and age there are a millions avenues of communication through apps and such. We have 2 kids. Please help me, Clay!”
Man, this is a tough one.
First, I have no idea if she’s cheating with this guy, but the fact that you know she met up with him in a bar a decade ago isn’t making this Instagram chatting feel innocent. That’s the red flag here, not necessarily the Instagram direct messages. It’s the combo of the two.
And, honestly, the restaurant DM is the most incriminating to me.
Because he didn’t come by and say hi to her in the restaurant. Presumably because you were there. If this was totally just a friendly relationship, then if he was in the same restaurant as your wife, why wouldn’t he walk by and say hi? Instead he DM’ed her from inside the restaurant.
She didn’t suggest that he come by and see her either?
Again, very strange behavior.
That makes me think it was because you were there too, and they didn’t want to be seen talking to each other in front of you. Which makes me think both of them have something to hide.
Put it this way, what would be weirder to you, your wife’s ex-boyfriend is in the same restaurant as her and comes by and says hi when he sees the two of you, or your wife’s ex-boyfriend sends her a direct message from inside the same restaurant instead of coming by and seeing her? This makes me feel, personally, like they banged before and he’s afraid she told you and you might try and beat his ass in the restaurant.
Again, that’s my analysis.
Now the one thing here is you know that they used to text, but now they are Instagram DM’ing in the restaurant. So maybe that means your wife cut him off on the text messages and hadn’t been willing to cut him off on the direct messages? Maybe when they met a decade ago in the bar, he tried to bang her, she said no, and they stopped texting then. And he’s afraid she told you about that too and that’s why he didn’t come by and see her.
That’s the best case scenario for you.
But if that was true, why are they still DM’ing and why is she responding to his DMs?
Put it this way, if you were DM’ing with one of your ex-girlfriends all the time and your wife found out about it, would your wife think it was innocent? If one of your ex-girlfriends DM’ed you about seeing you in a restaurant and didn’t come say hi, would your wife think it was cool? I doubt it.
If you secretly met an ex-girlfriend out in a bar, would your wife be cool with it?
You get my drift here. Which is why I think you need to have a real discussion about all of this and you need to do it sooner rather than later.
Final thought, I’m totally befuddled by your wife’s reaction when you told her what you’d seen on her phone. She said she was sorry that upset you, told you that she loved you, patted your arm, and then rolled over and went to sleep? Just like that? Honestly, that seems downright sociopathic to me. Clearly, you were upset at that point in time. And clearly she had done something wrong.
And she just rolled over and went to sleep?
I guarantee you didn’t fall right to sleep that night.
She didn’t even try the women’s Hail Mary, the “I know I did something really bad so let me try and bang my husband real quick”? I mean this is the go-to move for women who have screwed up since Adam and Eve. I guarantee you Eve tried to bang Adam right after she ate the apple. “Oh, crap, I screwed up and ate that apple. Let me just bang my husband’s brains out and hope he forgets about me getting us kicked out of the Garden of Eden.”
I GUARANTEE YOU THAT WAS EVE’S PLAY.
That was probably in one of the earliest editions of the Bible and they took that out of Genesis because God didn’t need to encourage women to do this. THEY ALREADY KNEW THAT SHIT WORKED AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE WOMAN ON THE PLANET AT THAT POINT.
As a result of not trying to bang you, your wife didn’t even make you pull the “husband turns down sex move because he’s upset even though he still wants to bang” move, which has been the immediate male response to this situation since time immemorial. (How long do you think it took Adam to bang Eve again after the Garden of Eden screw up? And who did Cain and Abel ever sleep with in the first place if they were the only sons of Adam and Eve? Seems like earth would have had a real pussy drought. Maybe that’s why the brothers were actually fighting. But I digress. I told you I wasn’t an easy vacation Bible school kid.)
The point here is you definitely need to have a conversation with your wife. No hiding information this time.
And you need to prepare yourself for what her answers are.
You avoided conflict once before because you had a newborn. Well, now you have two kids. If she’s been cheating on you, or cheated on you in the past, what’s your plan going forward? You need to work through your game plan before you have this conversation.
And this time, don’t let her just say I’m sorry, pat you on the arm, and roll over and go to sleep.
(Also, pro tip, you might need to tearfully jerk off before this conversation to help yourself avoid her inevitable pussy Hail Mary.)
“We pay for super expensive Nashville daycare, and as you probably know, it was a beast just to get him in to one in the first place. They’ve continued to make pretty ridiculous requirements for us—at first they shortened their hours; then, we had to stand outside IN MASKS and a staff member IN A MASK came to get our kid and take them in. I’m not even joking, we weren’t allowed to enter the building AT ALL for about 15 months. I never saw his classroom one time.
Now, our 4 1/2 year old kid is being required to stay out of school for a week because someone else in his class tested positive—he has no symptoms and has tested negative. We were also told that he has to have a NEGATIVE test THE SAME DAY he’s “allowed back” before he can come back.
Here’s the hardest part: they have offered ZERO bill credits or fee reductions the entire time despite us asking over and over again. We can’t hire a nanny or other care, and as you know, the daycare market in Nashville isn’t wide open. We can’t just pull him out and put him in another one at the drop of a hat. We’re talking MONTHS of tours and interviews, years-long waitlists, and such. We’re also almost done with it since he’ll be going to kindergarten soon.
Short of legal action, what’s the play here? Should we try to strong arm the school into giving us a credit, or just ride it out?”
My first question here is, do you have younger kids or do you plan on having kids again in the future? Because if you have younger kids now or are thinking about having some more in the future, that can and should dictate some of your actions here.
Because if you rock the boat too aggressively, you are pretty much ensuring that your younger kids are never getting admitted to that daycare. You may not care, but given how difficult good daycare can be to find in any major city in America, you may want your kids enrolled there. Especially since COVID is, believe it or not, eventually going to cease to exist as a major issue going forward and things will eventually go back to normal.
Having said all of this, I do think you should get a credit if you’re being forced to pay for daycare you aren’t using. This is just basic business decency. If you took your car in for repairs, they didn’t fix it, gave it back to you because the mechanic got COVID — AND THEN CHARGED YOU FULL PRICE LIKE THEY’D FIXED IT — you’d be rightly outraged.
Why is this any different?
You are paying for a service. If you don’t get that service, you shouldn’t pay for it.
It’s also important to fight this battle because, guess what, if you got a daycare credit, then I guarantee you they’d quickly alter their COVID daycare policies to ensure they didn’t lose out on your money. Right now, what market-based incentive do they have to alter their behavior? They’re getting paid full price, no matter what service they provide.
Honestly, it feels like there are probably lawsuits nationwide against daycare providers over these COVID policies. (That’s made even easier if there are places with multiple locations in multiple states. But unfortunately, most daycare providers aren’t multi-location. They tend to be individual businesses as opposed to chains.)
If you have a lawyer friend — who isn’t going to need daycare any time soon at this location for his family, because lots of them will — you could ask him to write a letter on your behalf threatening a lawsuit over your daycare expenses. This would work even better if you have friends at the same daycare who will lend their names to the letter as well. But you need to be careful here because your legal expenses could quickly exceed your asked-for recovery price. And then you’d end up getting screwed by the daycare and the lawyer.
I understand daycares having these policies back in March and April of 2020, but it has been almost two years since then. Why should they continue to be paid full price for less than full service? You’re in the right here.
Of course if they don’t do anything in response to the letter, then you are painted into a corner because you’ll have to file the lawsuit or just forget about it. But that’s a bridge you can cross in the future. I think your complaint is eminently reasonable.
Like many things in life, it’s just a question about how much time and money you want to spend pursuing your justified redress.
As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
And keep the great emails and questions coming!