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Anonymous Mailbag

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It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for me to solve all the problems in the Outkick universe.

Nice work by you guys responding with a bevy of non-covid questions for the anonymous mailbag this week. Keep the good emails and questions coming. As always, you can email me at claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, here we go:

“My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year and things have been going great. We’re mid twenties, both have successful careers, our friends/family love us, and we love each other.

A recent issue has come up between us. In college during her senior year (3ish years ago) she lived with 2 guys and 1 girl for a year. One of these guys became a close guy friend of hers. He lives across the country, and he recently invited her to come visit him for a weekend later this summer. She would sleep on the couch (allegedly) and they would have a couple days to catch up spending all of their time together. I was not invited, and she is planning on going. He is a single guy.

Personally, I am not ok with this. She has many guy friends and I do not have trust issues. However, even though I trust her this type of thing crosses a boundary in my opinion and isn’t appropriate for an exclusive relationship. Of course her argument is that I should trust her, but I don’t think she’d be ok with it if roles were reversed. I think by going she gives this guy the wrong impression. Additionally, my girlfriend is hot, and us being guys we know that when we’re single we’d have sex with (not all, but many) of our girl friends that are attractive if they gave us the chance. I don’t trust her guy friend’s intentions. What are your thoughts? Am I right or just being a beta male bitch?”

I don’t think you’re being a beta male bitch here.

I think almost every guy reading this right now would suspect the former roommate is making a play for your girlfriend. Now he may not be overt — although inviting her across the country to sleep on his couch is pretty overt — but if the opportunity presents itself he’s definitely going to try and hook up with her.

Some of you out there, mostly girls, are probably shaking your heads at this and saying, “You’re wrong, Clay, guys and girls can be great friends!”

I don’t believe this.

Especially not in your mid-twenties when you’re both single. (If you’re not married, I consider you to be single.)

I believe every heterosexual male and female friendship that begins when you’re single is, at least in some part, motivated by sexual attraction. Now it may fade, or one party may like the other and the other may be forever friendzoned — which is honestly the worst place to be — but I believe it’s all motivated, at least initially, by attraction on one side or the other.

Every guy reading this, yes, even the pro athletes, has probably been friendzoned at some point. There’s nothing worse than when a girl considers you to be such a good friend that she talks with you about the guys she likes and a small part of you dies during every one of these conversations.

It’s tough, but every guy has to be friendzoned at least once to figure out how awful it is to be friendzoned and try to ensure it never happens again. (There are some guys, by the way, that only exist in the friend zone. I can’t even imagine how miserable their life existence is. If you’ve had more than one or two girls have conversations with you about the guys they really like, you need to reconsider the energy you’re putting out into the atmosphere and change your ways so you don’t get perpetually friendzoned.)

Anyway, maybe there are some heterosexual men who just love being friends with hot girls and have no interest in ever sleeping with them and want to invite them across the country to sleep on their couches, but I’ve never met one.

And my bet is this guy isn’t one of them either.

He may not be going hard in the paint to try and bang your girlfriend — that’s probably not his style — but if the two of them have several glasses of wine and they start staring deeply into each other’s eyes while he talks about how many kids he wants to have some day, he’s not passing up the wide open jumper if it’s there.

Yes, it’s totally your girlfriend’s call as to what happens and I understand she wants you to trust her on this trip, but the angle you need to play is that you trust her, you just don’t trust him, because you know how guys are.

Which is why I don’t think it’s crazy of you to float a compromise here — the two of you take a trip to this city and stay in a hotel together. She can spend the day touring art museums or whatever with this former roommate and you guys can meet up at the end of the day.

When she returns to your hotel room.

With you and not him.

Final thoughts, if this guy truly had no interest in her, he’d bring out multiple guys and girls to stay in his place and have a fun roommate reunion. Then it’s a group trip, less likely to be romantic in nature. That isn’t happening here, why not?

Second final thought, I get that you’re in your mid-twenties, but why would your girlfriend, who you say is doing decent financially, want to sleep on a guy’s couch anyway? Why wouldn’t she want to get her own hotel room? This feels suspicious to me as well. The last thing most girls want to do is sleep in a 25 year old guy’s place. These things are almost always pigsties.

I know I’m getting old, but there’s a 0% chance I’d sleep on a friend’s couch right now. I’m getting my own hotel room no matter how good that friend is. The fact that your girlfriend isn’t doing this doesn’t add up to me either.

So how do you handle this? Float the idea of taking the trip with her and staying in a hotel together.

If she says no to that, you have every reason to think something else is up here.

“When on long trips inevitably everyone needs to stop to use the restroom. This usually coincides with stopping for gas or a meal but sometimes it is independent of those two.

Over the years I have gotten into the habit of stopping at hotels when the urge arrives, the big brands anyone would recognize, to use the lobby restroom instead of stopping at a gas station or McDonalds. To be clear I rarely ever take this occasion to drop a deuce. Typically I am in and out in 3 or 4 mins and I have never been questioned once by a desk clerk or anything but my wife absolutely hates me doing this. I happen to think this preference is quite logical.

First, the lobby restrooms are always empty and clean unless there is an event at the hotel. Some people say that the lobby restroom is for guests but they have their own private hotel bathroom so I doubt they would ever complain. Second, I have stayed at some point at all the major hotel chains over the years so while I may not have stayed at that particular location I have stayed at a Hilton, Marriott, et al before and I don’t see this as any different than taking a leak at a fast food place and not buying anything. Finally, hotels are about as common location wise as any other type of business with a restroom. Is this ethically sound? Inappropriate? Or future serial killer behavior? As I said before my wife hates this but only offers that the lobby is for guests but I think she is actually terrified of the general public finding out about it.

On a side note, if this is put up in the anonymous mailbag I am wondering if the next time I stop off at say the Toledo Days Inn that I’ll walk in there and a guy with an Outkick shirt will be at the urinal beside me and I’ll know I ruined it and that it’s no different now than a truck stop men’s room with a glory hole.”

I think your logic adds up here, but your application of that logic is terribly flawed, but I’m troubled by your statement you usually only pee in the hotel bathroom. It seems to me the only reason to pick the hotel bathroom would be for cleanliness. That is, specifically to drop a deuce there.

I’m never worried about using a dirty bathroom when I have to pee, but if I have to sit down, the last thing I want to do is have the inevitable gnats circling me while I sit on a toilet that hasn’t been scrubbed since 1987, with stains on the wall that appear to be from a murder in 1976, and worry that at any moment the door, which is always held shut by a flimsy lock, is going to come banging open and I’m just going to be forlornly making eye contact with someone while sitting on the toilet. (Is there a worse place to make eye contact with someone than while you are sitting on the toilet? I don’t think there is.)

The other thing I would add here is you aren’t actually being efficient. The reason why you’d go to the bathroom at a gas station is because you’re also getting gas. The reason why you’d use the fast food bathroom is because you’re also getting food. Your routine requires multiple location stops. Plus, it’s often inconvenient because hotels tend to be off the main drags of roads quite a bit. That is, gas stations or fast food restaurants are usually accessed directly off the main road, whereas you often have to drive around a bit to work your way to a hotel.

It’s like a road maze.

I was at Auburn recently for the Iron Bowl and I turned into what I thought was the hotel entrance because I was following Waze. But it turns out the road wasn’t complete and I was driving through a random field. So I attempted to turn around but I’ll be damned if two other people hadn’t also pulled in after me. So none of us could go anywhere.

For a minute I thought I was going to get executed hit style in a random weed infested field in Auburn, Alabama, but it turned out those two people had also been following Waze and remarkably we’d all three pulled in around the same time to what we thought was the hotel entrance. (It felt like The Office episode where Michael followed the car driving directions into the lake).

Eventually we made it back out to the main entrance, but finding the hotel entrance was difficult.

Which is why your choice just seems wildly inefficient.

Given that you somewhat regularly stay in these hotels, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but I would limit your trips to hotels for poop runs only.

By the way, is there anything better than when you have to poop and you use a public bathroom and the BATHROOM IS INCREDIBLE. And you totally didn’t expect it? This happened to me once at the Essex House in New York City. I’d eaten a street vendor meal — yeah, I don’t know why I did it either — and my insides just exploded while I was walking down the street.

Out of nowhere.

I had to go and I had to go right then.

Being in a big city when you suddenly think you have to poop is one of the all time worst feelings because they guard those bathrooms now in big cities like there’s gold bullion inside.

So I’m walking past the Essex House — a hotel in New York City I’d stayed in before — and I rush inside and hit their lobby bathroom.

I’m literally on the verge of pooping all over myself when I hit the bathroom door. (Sidenote, how is it possible that your bowels are poised to erupt the moment you come within sight of a bathroom? It’s uncanny.)

Anyway, I pass the urinals and I’ll be damned if they didn’t have full length stall doors and incredible full closet bathrooms.

I mean, this bathroom was so great I would have taken a nap in there.

No one can see you, you’ve got a fully enclosed space, no rush for time, I still think back fondly on the pooping experience I had there that day.

So while I’m not going to judge you for your hotel bathroom decision, I think going to a hotel bathroom to pee is the wrong move, it should only be to poop.

“While visiting family over the holidays, my wife reiterated to me how much more horny she is when waking up in the morning than when going to sleep. I had no problem being on the receiving end of that the morning after Christmas when we both had to get up at the same time to check out of our hotel and hit the road. We weren’t in a huge rush.

The problem is, our sleep habits are totally different. She loves to sleep in on weekends whereas I’m usually out of bed by 8am. Even on weekdays for work I have to get up and going before her. Catching the horny train usually only works if I’m in bed the moment she’s waking up, and if she’s waking up naturally. The problem is I can’t stay in bed awake for 2 hours waiting. I’ve tried timing her wake up on weekends by sneaking back in bed, but I never know how long I’ll be laying there.

Last weekend I did this and laid there for 45 minutes. 11am rolled around and she was still asleep. What’s the solution here to maximize opportunity for my wife to want to jump my bones?”

Before we had kids, I used to get in bed at the same time as my wife just because being in bed at the same time as her made sex more likely. So even if I wasn’t going to bed myself, I’d just get in bed with her at the same time. Now that we have kids, bed time has pretty much been a total and complete mess for the past 14 years. I legit don’t even remember what life was like when all you had to do at bed time was think about yourself.

Bed time is easier now with our boys since they aren’t super young, but they are still a mess when it comes to getting them to go to sleep and take baths. (I don’t know that our three boys would ever bathe if we didn’t make them. It’s crazy).

As for your situation, I think you schedule work or reading in bed for the weekends.

You say your wife sleeps in a lot longer than you on the weekends, well, get up, get a few things done and then dive back into bed to work some alongside of her while she sleeps. Then when she wakes up, boom, you just pretend you have been working alongside her for a while and you guys can hook up.

The other option is just to have a conversation with your wife about how much you enjoy morning sex with her. Keep your cell phone on you and ask her to text you first thing in the morning when she wakes up on the weekends. Bang, you’ve got a good start to your day set up.

In fact, the direct discussion about it seems like the best choice by far.

Good luck.

“My fiancee has a friend from college who is pregnant and has a baby shower this Saturday. For some reason, she’s having a Zoom baby shower, my fiancee doesn’t know why, she just got an invitation in the mail and didn’t ask, but it works out for her because we live in a different state than her friend. The issue I’m having is that my fiancee wants me to “go” to the baby shower.

Now I have a few issues with this, which I’ve told her, the main one being I don’t think men should go to baby showers. I honestly have never been to a baby shower, don’t know a whole lot about what even happens at one, but it just seems to be the type of thing that should be female only like a bridal shower. In addition to this, I have never met this friend of hers or presumably anyone else who will be at this baby shower, and as I mentioned earlier, it’s not even in person, it’s on Zoom, so I would just be sitting there on a Zoom call with a bunch of people I don’t know during NFL playoff games. What is your stance on men going to baby showers? Do you agree with me that men should not be involved in this sort of thing?”

I do not believe that men should go to baby showers.

Men have to dig in our heels over this one because there’s a real move towards couple baby showers of late and we are completely losing this battle. This couples baby shower trend hit after most of my kids were born, but I’m blown away by how many men have to spend weekend days at baby showers now. We are close to losing this battle.

In fact, I feel like my own boys are going to be forced to go to couple’s baby showers. I think my generation has screwed them on this.

As for the Zoom baby shower, it doesn’t make sense to me, but I also don’t think there’s any way this can end up a major commitment for you. First, it’s awkward to fit two people into a zoom so I don’t know how long you’ll be expected to awkwardly sit there and star into the computer camera and second, once you say hi I’m not sure what role you have going forward. There’s only so many people visible on the screen at any given time, your presence doesn’t matter.

Hopefully this is a big wedding shower because the bigger the shower the less you matter.

If there’s a big group there, you guys won’t be visible that much and you can eventually just duck out.

Even if you have to stay there, I don’t know why you wouldn’t be able to put on the NFL playoffs, likely muted, as the baby shower is taking place. It’s not like you’re attending a class and are going to get quizzed on what happens at the baby shower. Just watch the game while the zoom is going on and take credit for being a great fiance.

Good luck.

Okay, your non-covid anonymous mailbag questions were great this week.

Keep them coming.

As always, you can send them to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

3 Comments

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  1. 1. Yes the guy wants to tap your girl. The fact that she wants to go should be a red flag,

    2. When in Manhattan, don’t try to use a hospital lobby bathroom. They have security guards who get pretty angry when you act like you don’t hear them try to stop you. “But my back teeth are floating” fails to mollify them.

  2. 1. Dude this guy has banged you’re girlfriend before and if she’s flying across the country to go see him she wants that D again bad.

    2. Is just a complete weirdo.

    3. Umm after you’ve been awake a few hours and I’m assuming sitting in the living watching tv or something can’t your wife just yell “I’m awake now come get some” or can’t it be as simple as you telling your wife the night before look babe if you wake up horny I’ll be on the couch come jump on me?…I’m just not seeing why outside advice is needed here. Do you and your wife even talk?

  3. 1) If any woman I’m dating introduces me to or tells me about a non-mutual male friend it’s safe to just assume his dick has been in her at some point. I say this not on the jealous tip but to set realistic parameters as to not be bitter/jealous about the past if that is the case.

    Have to agree with the first two comments though; this is a major red flag. No new guy friends. She can have homies from the past but very important to set some rigid boundaries. There are two options here which Clay mentioned: 1- Y’all go together, 2- Nobody goes.

    If you clearly communicate why this is a bad idea (and rather inappropriate to be all the way 100) and she still insists on going then she ain’t the one, bro. If she can’t see it, she doesn’t value your relationship. Let her go and drop kick that bitch to the curb. If you let her go and stay then you would indeed be a beta male bitch. Third option is let her go on the trip, stay with her or leave here, and fuck one of her friends.

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