Anonymous Mailbag

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday and as you read this I will be en route to Los Angeles where I’m recording two different guest hits on podcasts — with Adam Carolla and the Rubin Report — so look for those podcasts to drop in the near future.

The Anonymous Mailbag is brought to you by my friends at The Home Loan Expert. If you need to get prequalified, have a mortgage rate in the 4’s and want to save money and reduce your rate to the 2’s, or just need to refi for any reason, contact them today. Mention Clay Travis or Outkick and you get a year’s free Outkick VIP when you close your mortgage.

This weekend The Home Loan Expert and Outkick’s tailgate tour will be at Florida-Georgia. Here they are hanging with Arkansas.

With that in mind, let’s dive into the anonymous mailbag.

“I have been dating my girlfriend for close to two years. She is everything to me, and I am so lucky to have her. I have a steady income, and we have been living together for six months. I am planning to ask her to spend the rest of her life as my bride. Here is my dilemma: I have a diaper fetish. For most people it is a sexual thing, for me it’s just strictly a relaxation thing, and has nothing to do with her not being enough for me. I have a high anxiety disorder, and this helps me with it. Do you think this is something I should tell her? I am not expecting someone to participate in this with me, but I am worried if I drop this bomb on her, we may be done for good. What do you think I should do?”

So you just sit around in adult diapers for fun?

I’m not an expert on the adult diaper industry, but is there any way to tell that you’re sitting in the diaper? Do you poop and pee in the diaper like a baby? Or do you just sit in them because you like the feel? More importantly, how has she not seen this through six months of the relationship so far?

I’m going to be completely honest with you — if a woman told me she had a diaper fetish I wouldn’t marry her. Primarily because I would think it was evidence of other, deeper and more problematic, psychological issues she might have as well.

Having said that, if you just enjoy sitting in diapers and it doesn’t involve her, she may not have an issue with this at all. Remember, Steven Avery from “Making a Murderer” is in jail for murder and he’s had multiple girlfriends. So there’s clearly a man for every woman out there.

If it’s such a massive part of your life that you don’t believe you can either quit or hide it from her, I’d suggest just telling her. You aren’t committing a crime and once you tell her you like wearing diapers I don’t think you can ever cheat on her because then she can tell everyone you know that you like wearing diapers and your life is basically over.

So you’ll probably be married sixty years.

Plus, think about how good you’re going to be at changing diapers when you guys have kids.

Good luck with the conversation.

“My friend’s boyfriend doesn’t like her playing fantasy football because he thinks that it is “guyish and unattractive” for her to know so much about the NFL. 

Take? Mine is that he is a huge pussy and should know more about it himself so he doesn’t feel emasculated so easily.

I have let guys explain rules of sports to me and talk about players that I probably know more about so they feel good about themselves. Is this a good move? In my defense I know only one sport best and do enjoy learning the ins and outs of all other sports. But when a guy starts talking the sport I know I dumb myself down in fear of scaring him off.

Is it unattractive for girls to like sports? If they know more than the guy is it unattractive? Where is the level of knowledge too high to where it becomes unattractive?”

First, do whatever you like. (Including wearing diapers). And if someone doesn’t like you because of what you like, then you shouldn’t change what you like to make a boy or girl like you more. So if you genuinely enjoy playing fantasy football or obsessively study X’s and O’s involving your favorite college or NFL team, I’m sure there is a guy out there who will love sharing this hobby with you.

And if you’re a girl you should never, ever try to act dumber to make a boy like you. Instead, you should find smarter boys.

Having said that, I can’t speak to the specific motivations of this particular guy in this particular relationship, but I think what frequently happens is a guy wants his girlfriend to be into something different than what he’s already into. He’s created different spheres of his life — there’s his relationship life and there’s his guy friend life and you are causing those spheres to collide and he’d prefer they remain separate.

Some people would call that sexist of him, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true — I think there are plenty of guys and girls that would like to keep their same sex friends and the person they’re in a relationship with doing different things.

Think about whatever you like doing the most with your girlfriends. I have no idea what that is, but let’s say that you and your girlfriends are in a book club together and it’s an all girl book club. (My wife has an all girl book club so I know these exist.) If I suddenly told my wife that I wanted to be in her all girl book club, it wouldn’t be sexist of her to tell me that I wasn’t invited. Including me as the only guy would fundamentally alter the conversations the girls have.

Not necessarily in a better or worse way, but it would just be different.

 

Similarly, if I told my wife that I wanted to read the same book she’s reading with her all girl book club and have our own husband and wife book club discussion about it, wouldn’t it be perfectly normal for her not to be that excited about doing a second book club discussion about the same book with me? She’d probably prefer to do something different with me than something she’s already doing with her friends.

So let’s say your boyfriend is an all guy fantasy football league, I don’t think it’s sexist for him to consider that to be something that he does with his male friends and for him to prefer that you not do the same. Now taking the next step and saying your hobby is unattractive to him is a bridge too far, but, remember, you’re hearing her version of what he said. Plus, how often are guys very good at explaining why they feel the way they feel?

What’s guys are often saying, albeit it inarticulately, is, “I’d rather do something different with you. I don’t want to sit around and talk about fantasy football with my girlfriend. I already do that with my guy friends.”

Put in that context, it’s actually a compliment. He wants you to bring something to his life that he doesn’t already have.

Which is, after all, why most people get into relationships in the first place, right?

Having said all of this, there are plenty of guys who would love to date a girl who likes fantasy football. If he’s truly trying to get her to give up a hobby of hers for the relationship then I’d suggest she find a new boyfriend.

“I need to you help solve a debate with a few friends of mine on whether or not I’m being a pussy. 

I have twin six year old boys, a full time job, and I coach their sports all year around in the evenings meaning my free time is very limited.

So I don’t mind outsourcing things that we don’t want to do ourselves….like pay a lawn guy, maid, etc.  One of the best values that we pay for is AAA car service. It’s about $110/year and it’s come in handy more than a few times when we got unexpected blown/flat tires.

I have a few friends that think I’m a pussy because I don’t change my own tires. My view on it is that it’s like any other service, if I can afford it and it saves me time and the hassle, I’ll outsource it.

I’ve only changed one tire on my own in my life, but when my boys get old enough, I’ll show them how to change a tire manually so they know how. But I’m the meantime, I’ll gladly call AAA and have them knock it out while sitting in the AC watching football. 

Who’s right here?”

I think you’re right here.

Studies have proven that one of the top ways to increase your overall happiness level is by creating more free time for yourself. That is, if you can pay someone to clean your house or cut your grass or change your tire then you’re probably going to enjoy the time you buy yourself in the process and it’s going to make you happier.

In fact, studies have shown that buying time is one of the single best ways for people to increase their happiness.

So I think this is a no brainer.

Now, I think where this becomes more complicated is if you aren’t actually saving yourself any time and you’re just sitting around on the side of the road waiting an hour for someone to show up and change your tire.

I have AAA and I called them recently because I had a flat tire. Turns out the tire just needed air. If I’d pulled it off and put on the spare and driven to the car repair place that would have taken me a couple of hours round trip. Instead the AAA guy showed up at my house, tested the tire, filled it up with air, and we’ve had no issue since.

Another great example, when my car window got broken out in Atlanta I paid to have the window repair guys come right to my house and replace the broken window. It cost me like $250, but I had zero inconvenience. They pulled right up to my house and took care of it while I worked.

I was blown away.

The last time my car window got broken out — this was my fault when I drove off at the gas pump and shattered my back windshield — my wife spent quite a bit of time calling around to get estimates and then I had to drive to some random part of town and sit there while they fixed it.

All told I was out like three hours to get my rear window fixed. And I was totally inefficient while that happened too.

I’m fortunate now to have the money to be able to pay for convenience, but I think America is also great because capitalism is predicated on eliminating inefficiencies.

I make more money focused on my work than I do mowing the grass, changing tires or cleaning my house. Not to mention the fact that when I’m not working I’d rather be spending my very limited free time doing things I like to do.

If you have the money, pay to save the time.

It’s honestly the best thing about having the money.

“I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for the better part of six months. Based on some outside factors, we’ve decided to try and “be friends.” Well last week she comes over to have dinner and we decide to watch a movie, she picks Fifty Shades Darker.

Laying on the couch with a hot girl, I’m doing my best to hold up my end of the “be friends” agreement, when she looks me dead in the eye, bites her lip, puts her hand in her yoga pants and starts touching herself. This is hands down the hottest thing I’ve seen – no way is that the case were the situation reversed (You’ve spoken at length about the differences between how men and women view sexuality). But anyways, question is this – is there anything in pop culture that has done more to get guys laid then Fifty Shades? It’s remarkable how turned on she was from this movie.”

When a girl comes over to your place and picks “Fifty Shades Darker,” of all the movies she could have picked to watch, she is not trying to be friends with you.

Also, come on, if a guy and girl are watching a movie together at night on the same couch, you aren’t friends either.

Think about it, if you found out your wife, girlfriend, husband or boyfriend went to another person of the opposite sex’s house to watch a movie, you’d be pissed, right? Even crazier, when’s the last time you went to a regular movie with someone of the opposite sex?

Your example is a perfect one about how much different the behavior standards are for men and women too. You’re trying to “just be friends,” with this girl. Imagine her reaction if you picked this sexy movie and then at the end of the movie you put your hand in your pants and started to jerk yourself off.

If she doesn’t like your advances, you’re Harvey Weinstein.

But she does it and it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen.

This is why guys can’t ever use the, “I think it’s hot,” standard to decide what to do to turn a woman on. Because it just totally fails. You need to think about what you think is hot and then do one quarter of that.

Women, as always, can do anything they thing is hot and men will love it.

As for Fifty Shades, the movie doesn’t make anyone do anything they didn’t already want to do, it just gives an excuse for that to happen. It’s like alcohol in this respect, it just gives a cover to a desire that otherwise might be considered too risque to attempt.

“I have an issue that has arisen with my wife and I need you to decide how to handle it. 
 
We are a mid-30’s couple with 2 boys ages 2 & 5. Therefore, sex is not always a priority for her. We both work and I try to be understanding of that. However, a few months back she brings up the idea of getting hair extensions. 

I am a married man with 2 kids, no way in the world I know what hair extensions cost.  Therefore, I tell her to get some prices and she can decide if she wants to spend the money or not.  She comes home a few weeks ago and tells me that they will cost $320, but that she has an idea on how to pay for it.  She stated, “You can pay me $20 every time we have sex until I reach my goal.” 

Obviously, I respond favorably as every married man knows that if you can assure yourself more sex, you are definitely willing to do it.
 
However, here is the issue.  She comes home last week, with hair extensions complete (they look nice), but she tells me that it was more expensive than she thought.  They COST $625. Now she is trying to negotiate her sex settlement to the previously mentioned total of $320, which if you do the math is 16 sessions of sex. I am fully aware that the breakdown over the actual cost is 31.25 sessions (I will give her the ¼ session), but I think 31 should be the agreed upon amount of sex.  How does she think that this is fair? What is my play here?  Did I get played?  Do I let her get extensions again?” 

Tip for married women who haven’t used this angle before — if you want something that you know your husband is going to balk at paying for because it’s too expensive given your family budget, offer up sex in exchange for whatever you want.

Almost every man in America will make that trade.

As for your wife, I think she way undercharged you here — $20 for sex? Is she a crack whore in Lima, Peru?

It seems to me like you were getting an insane value at sixteen sexual encounters for $320. There are married guys reading this right now who spend that on a meal just for one guaranteed sex act.

And you got 16?!

I’d just tell her she has to work twice as hard now, no mailing it in on these sixteen sex sessions. You’re expecting an First Team All Star sex effort from her and reserve the right to not count one of them if her performance is not up to par.

But tell her in the future that you plan on drafting the agreement and having her sign it. Although, to be fair, the contract has no practical value. How are you going to ever enforce it? Ultimately this agreement is entirely based upon her sense of honor.

And clearly her sense of honor is already limited if her first thought upon seeing how much hair extensions cost was to trade sex for better hair.

Finally, your wife works too. I’d go easy on “letting” her do anything when it comes to money. My experience is my wife does whatever she wants and I tend to like the results in our relationship more when I don’t try and tell her what she can and can’t do.

Of course, I’m out here working fifteen jobs a day and am going to drop dead in like ten years. Once I’m dead my wife is going to really have an awesome time spending all the money I’ve made.

…

Send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.