Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

As always, the anonymous mailbag is brought to you by the fine folks at TheHomeLoanExpert.com. If you need a mortgage, are shopping for a new home and want to prequalify, or have a mortgage rate in the 4’s or higher you need to refi with them. Plus, you get a free Outkick VIP membership for the year if you get your mortgage with them.

We are continuing our tour of SEC football tailgates with them and this past week the crew was in Lexington, Kentucky for the Wildcats 31st consecutive loss to Florida.

This weekend the crew will be at Texas A&M for the South Carolina game.

In other news, I’m speaking at Zanies in Nashville next Thursday night. Tickets are $20 and we’re almost sold out. It’s a live exclusive Outkick show — that means we won’t stream it — and the proceeds go to charity. If you want to come, you need to buy tickets today.

Okay, let’s get rolling with the anonymous mailbag.

“I have been struggling with something with my girlfriend of 2 years while in the bedroom.
Thank god for the anonymity of the mailbag because this is embarrassing for me.

Every time we start to make love, my girlfriend always proceeds to shove her finger up my asshole as a type of foreplay. The first few times this happened, I did not enjoy it at all and thought it was kind of odd that she tried this. Apparently she loves it and it is a huge turn on for her.

Recently I have learned to enjoy it and have even ventured out into different butt plugs.  For example: Different buttplugs are like acquiring a taste for different bourbons.

I am a very straight male and although I like it, I feel as if it is very gay of me to enjoy this type of foreplay.

If you do believe this is a homosexual tendency, how should I ask her to stop all of a sudden; since it is a big turn on for her as well?”

As a general rule if an attractive woman wants to do it with you and it makes her like sex more, it is most definitely not gay.

So, relax, your behavior is not gay.

Now, that could change. Everything an attractive woman asks you to do because it turns her on doesn’t protect you from being gay — or bisexual. For instance, if your girlfriend said, “It would really turn me on if you got fucked by another guy,” that would be gay even though she gets turned on by it. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with another guy, but you can’t pretend you aren’t gay or bisexual because your girlfriend liked it.

In other words, her hotness does not override the gayness of the sexual act there.

So where’s the line?

As with all great questions facing humanity, reasonable minds can differ.

For instance, back in law school I argued that the highest level hot a girl could be — the absolute ten of tens when it came to hotness — was, “I would let her strap on a dildo and fuck me in the ass with it,” level hot.

This was a controversial level of hot because several guys argued that would be gay and so there was no girl hot enough to allow this.

I disagreed.

This is a great bar debate for you and all your guy friends, would you allow the hottest girl in the world to fuck you in the ass with a strap on dildo if it then led to “normal” sex of your choice. (By “normal sex” I mean you pump away for three minutes while she idly checks her nails over your back.)

So this is an unsolved question, I argue there is a “fuck me in the ass with a dildo” level hot and some argue that category of hot doesn’t exist.

Hopefully your girlfriend isn’t reading the mailbag now and getting ideas.

Because then she might want to actually fuck you in the ass with a strap on dildo.

Good luck.

“I have a little brother who is a D1 college basketball player. I helped my mom a lot with the recruiting process because it was so overwhelming. He was a 3 star top 200 player in high school and was getting recruited by several power 5 schools.

One of the assistants from one of those schools stated to me “We really love him…but Coach doesn’t recruit white players, he hasn’t signed a white player in seven years that he’s been here.” Funny thing is my response was “oh… ok sounds good but thanks for the interest.”

But then I started to think about that statement and thought what if I was a black older brother, helping his black little brother’s recruitment, and a school said “we really like him but coach doesn’t recruit black players, hasn’t signed a black player in the last 7 years he’s been here.” Can you imagine the story that could turn into? I get the sports best players are black but why is ok to say that statement one way and it be a national story the other way?”

Black people are better at basketball than white people.

This is a non-controversial statement if you look at rosters for pro basketball teams.

To argue otherwise you’d have to suggest that the NBA is intentionally discriminating against white people who are good at basketball.

And unlike most insane left wing liberals I presume that markets do a good job hiring the best people for their jobs regardless of their race or gender. That’s because I believe in the meritocracy, the best and most talented people are typically rewarded by the market for their success, whether we’re talking about basketball, music or hedge funds. Although, if you really want to drive a liberal crazy, suggest that every NBA team should have a racial make up that accurately reflects the United States population as a whole to ensure equality.

Watch them squirm when you say you want 64% of the NBA to be white, 14% of the NBA to be Hispanic, 12% of the NBA to be black, and 4% of the NBA to be Asian. Sure, this would mean that you would have to fire around 70% of the black players in the league, but shouldn’t it be the goal of every work force in America to accurately reflect the racial make up of the country? Otherwise, liberals argue, that’s evidence of systemic discrimination and racism.

If you want to make a liberal even more insane, point out that technically half of all American pro sports should be female, since the goal is to ensure that women receive equal pay for equal work and right now the WNBA players, for instance, are not being paid equally to the NBA players in basketball. That’s not because of markets at work, it’s because of clear sexism.

Having said this, assuming a specific black person is better than a specific white person because of his race is racist.

But luckily for that head basketball coach the only people in America today who can be racist are white males and it’s only when they are being racist against black people, not when they’re being racist on behalf of black people. So he’s perfectly safe here.

“Been with you since the Fanhouse days, but I need clarification on 1 issue before you have my vote for senate. What is your stance on legalized marijuana???  #askingforafriend”

I am for legalizing non-addictive drugs like marijuana. I’d also legalize sports gambling and decriminalize prostitution.

Essentially I believe if a consenting adult wants to do it, we should legalize and tax it instead of spending our taxpayer resources on criminalizing morality.

 

“So I was driving home from work somewhat late tonight, and started squirming with really bad stomach pains. I had a couple bad farts about midway through my drive, I was afraid I might have sharted… but I told myself, I’m an adult, I’ll hold it, I can make it.

Well damnit if I didn’t get into the parking lot of my apartment building when I said to myself, there is absolutely no way I am gonna make it upstairs to my place in time and I’m not shitting in my brand new car. So I throw it in park right by the mail room, and I know there’s a bathroom right in through there in the lobby… I hopped out and barely made it one step before I just simply couldn’t hold it anymore, so I said, fuck it, I guess this is happening right here and now. I stood there, outside and in front of a parking lot mind you, literally just violently shitting my pants,

I feel it running down my leg, coming out the bottom of my pants. I’m standing there thinking to myself, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Luckily, no one was out walking their dog or anything, it was almost midnight… I decided I had to go inside to finish shitting and try to clean up somehow.

I left a trail of shit from my shoes to the bathroom, where I sat down to finish. The seat and stall were an absolute mess, it looked like a monkey started a shit throwing contest. Toilet clogs from all the flushing, just a disaster. I cleaned up as best I could, threw my boxers and socks away, then made the worst walk of shame ever upstairs to my apartment, shit all over my pants, belt, everything.

I immediately jumped in the shower in my clothes and started hosing down. Ugh just a fucking disgusting mess. I then decided I’m not a total animal, so I went back down there to try and wipe down the bathroom and clean my tracks a little bit.

I did the best I could, but some poor cleaning lady is gonna have to finish the job tomorrow. I’m sure there’s security camera footage of this whole episode, and I’m now laying in bed, afraid I gave myself pink eye and pondering if I have to move or not.

What the hell do I do?! Do I start packing my stuff and plan on moving out due to pure shame? Do I go apologize to the management in the morning and explain that I ate something bad and turned their lobby and parking lot into a cow pasture? Do I act like this whole episode never happened and thank my lucky stars no one was around? Please guide me on this, as I trust your wisdom on such matters.”

I think you never mention it to anyone.

Odds are no one ever goes back to check the security footage to see who shit all over the bathroom because what are they really going to do to someone? It’s not like it’s a damn murder scene. (Side note, this is like the most exciting thing that could possibly happen if you work in this apartment rental office. Compared to the usual crap you have to deal with, an investigation into who shit all over the mail room is exhilarating stuff. If I ran this apartment building I would set up odds on who did it, have a leader board, take bets, everything, before we even viewed the footage.)

But you can never admit to this and you have to dispose of those clothes like you’re Ray Lewis having just committed a murder in Buckhead. Those things can never be seen again.

Related, on Sunday I drove my three year old home and he fell asleep in the car. Before we left for the drive home my wife said, “Make sure you switch him out of his underwear into the pull ups so if he falls asleep in the car and then pees during his nap, he doesn’t get the bed soaked.”

So we drive home and he falls asleep in the car and I carry him into the house, but I don’t want to change his underwear because I’m sure he’ll wake up and the Seahawks-Titans game is about to start and I don’t want to miss the kickoff.

So I put him in bed with his blankets and figure he won’t sleep that long.

Two hours later he comes and finds me downstairs watching the game and he’s walking like he just rode a horse for 36 straight hours, legs all akimbo, underwear looks like he’s been out trick or treating for Halloween and got too much chocolate in his bag, I’m like, “FUCK.”

This is exactly what my wife said was going to happen.

So he gets to me and he says, “Daddy, I pooped,” and I try to take off his shorts and the poop just falls out all over our staircase, I mean there’s poop rolling down the stairs and I’m just standing there thinking, “My wife is going to kill me for this.”

So I’m going down each stair picking up his poop in one hand and holding his underwear in my other hand, the damn underwear weigh like two tons, I have no idea how it’s possible for a kid to pee this much, and as I’m picking up his poop I’m actually thinking, “You know, this poop is actually not that bad of poop to have to clean up. This is deer kid poop. Everyone knows deer kid poop is the best kind of poop. He could have had diarrhea poop. This could be worse,” and then I go downstairs and dump the poop in the trash can and throw away the underwear and everything, I’ll be damned if I’m trying to clean these things.

And my three year old says, “I’ve got to pee, dad.”

And I’m like, “HOW? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE YOU COULD HAVE TO PEE MORE? WHO IS GIVING YOU SO MUCH APPLE JUICE?!”

Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep tabs on the Titans game and the Titans get on a roll and I forget about the fact that he peed and pooped all over the bed upstairs because the Titans had a 21 point third quarter, which is awesome, but I have no faith on them holding a lead and then my wife gets home and she comes walking in and the very first thing she says is, “Did you put a diaper on him like I asked you to do?”

I mean, what are the odds on this, that four hours later the very first thing she would think to ask me about is this? I can’t even remember what I told her ten minutes ago and she remembers this exact instruction from four hours ago?

Anyway, our house is a disaster area.

And I think my wife is still mad at me about this.

But at least the Titans won.

“So my fiancé and are getting married and obviously very happy. I am actually the bigger sports fan of the two of us though. We want to have a fairly small wedding some family and a few friends. Obviously getting married during football season wasn’t a thing and never considered. Long story short, we decided to get married this spring, but basketball was still a concern. Being a Outkick problem solver, we decided to get married in Vegas during Madness. Husbands now love us. Good compromise?”

Brilliant, absolutely love the idea.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.