Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag.
Also, The Home Loan Expert and Outkick are on a tour of SEC tailgates this fall and here is the trip to Starkville for LSU-Mississippi State. (They will be at Florida-Kentucky this weekend in Lexington).

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag. Remember, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
“I have a friend that recently got married to a girl from college. There’s a few issues with this marriage that I am seeing already and need your advice on if I should say anything to him or not. 
His wife has a blog that’s about K-Pop bands (Korean boy bands). But this isn’t your everyday blog. She has stories and stories about having “fantasy sex” with a lot of these Korean stars on the blog. She has one that she calls her “Korean husband” and these people even have her phone number and she texts with them. She decides a few months ago to go to a K Pop convention in LA for 2 weeks! She doesn’t know anyone there. Who the hell goes to LA for 2 weeks without knowing a soul?
Now she is trying to go to Korea to “teach English” for 6 months. You can’t tell me that’s not bizarre. Who the fuck wants to go to South Korea with Rocket Man shooting shit off all the time? Something is fishy here, but my buddy is a real nice guy and I don’t know if he would be mad at me and take her side no matter what, or listen to me and inspect. He’s a great guy and I feel like she may be going behind his back. I asked my girlfriend if she thought she was cheating and she said she wouldn’t be surprised. What do I do, messiah Clay?”
If your wife has a blog where she writes about sleeping with Korean pop stars, disappears for two weeks to attend a Korean pop convention in Los Angeles — where she definitely slept with said Korean pop stars — and is trying to move to South Korea so she can teach English there while potential world war hangs in the balance — so she can sleep with Korean pop stars — I think you should get divorced.
Sometimes it takes a friend to sit you down and string together all the crazy shit going on in your relationship to make you recognize how ridiculous your life has become. Seriously, it takes this because otherwise you can slowly inch your way towards crazy town. I don’t think most people end up in a crazy relationship by going from normal to crazy in one day, it’s a slow process, inch by inch, you work your way there. And if you don’t take a moment and think about how you ended up where you are, it can seem totally normal to you.
That’s why having a friend sit you down and point out how crazy you look to outside observers can shake you out of your relationship stupor.
The danger here is that your buddy may be so committed to his wife that he sees your advice as unwelcome. But a relationship can reach a point where the crazy at play overwhelms this danger of a broken friendship. And I think the crazy at play here overwhelms the danger now.
One suggestion, do you know his parents? They have to think their daughter-in-law is crazy, right? They may be hoping that one of their son’s friends can point out what they see. Because if you’re a parent it’s even harder to step into your child’s relationship because you fear losing them.
I’d bet those parents would welcome your intervention here.
Good luck.
“Like many married men, I have nudes of my wife on my phone. And I’ll be totally honest with you: my wife is hot. Early 30s, works out every day, men stare everywhere we go… a solid 8.5/10. So the other day I was joking with a friend about all the nudes of my wife on my phone, and he propositioned me: he wants to see some of the pics, and in exchange he’ll let me view nudes of his wife. Now, I would not even consider this if his wife weren’t hot… but she is. Smoking. She’s also friends with my wife, and we do things together all the time. So… what’s the play here? I guess I’d feel weird about showing him my wife’s naked body, but then again, the trade-off may be worth it. Fresh material for the mental bank, you know? Advice appreciated.”
Baseball cards, lunch meals, nude photos, the male brain is basically pre-wired to always be trying to trade things. That’s really all a merger or company acquisition really is, just one big baseball card deal.
Except now we’re dealing with nudity and your wife.
First, you are violating your wife’s privacy and her trust in you by sharing pictures she only intended for you with someone else. But you already know that.
So whatever decision you make, don’t share the photos via text which could allow them to be distributed all over the Internet. That takes this to another level entirely.
Second, let’s try to apply the golden rule here — let’s pretend that your wife and her girlfriend each had naked photos of their husbands and they traded opportunities to each look at each other’s husbands naked without you knowing in advance. Would you be upset at your wife? (If you would then the decision here is easy. This gets more difficult if you wouldn’t mind at all or, even worse, if you thought it was awesome if your wife’s hot friend wanted to see you naked. This is why applying the golden rule when it comes to men and sex doesn’t work very well.)
This is also why men trying to think like women almost never works. Because your average man and your average woman thinks very differently.
For instance, in our house we have blinds outside the bathroom that face out onto the street. For the first several months we lived in the house, I liked to open the blinds to let in the light, but I wouldn’t shut them when I got out of the shower. My rationale was this — if someone wants to look in and see me naked, have at it, I don’t care.
It’s not that I’m a nudist, I just don’t particularly care if someone sees me naked. (Especially if it’s a good dick day.) But my wife was terrified of people seeing her naked so she insisted the blinds remain closed in case she forgot to shut them before she took a shower.
Now why did we both think so differently about the open blinds? I think it’s the way men and women are wired. Men spend most of our time trying to get women to see us naked — that is, we’re doing everything we can to make nudity happen — whereas women are constantly being pursued to be seen naked. So women protect their nudity — which is constantly being pursued — whereas men don’t care about their nudity because it’s constantly being offered.
If you think of it from a porn perspective, this is why women make more money than men do for porn. Because there are many more decent looking men who are comfortable having sex on film than there are women.
Furthermore, I’ve talked about this before, but if a husband comes home and confesses he’s been having an affair with another man, his wife wants to kill herself. Seriously, finding out your husband is having a gay affair is like every wife’s worst nightmare. But if a wife came home and confessed she’d been having a torrid affair with another woman just about every man’s first thought would be, “Was she hot?” And then every guy would probably want to hear details and it would end with you having hot sex with your wife and thinking about the chances your wife’s lesbian lover could be in a threesome with you.
Just about every husband having sex with another man story ends in divorce or family ruination, just about every woman having sex with another woman story is a staple of every male fantasy that has ever existed. It probably makes the husband like his wife even more.
Anyway, back to your question, you shouldn’t do it because it violates your wife’s trust, but if you do do it, you have to swear this other man to blood oath secrecy and ensure that your wives never find out.
Or you just wait until the next time you’re out drinking and confess.
Who knows, maybe you’ll have an orgy.
“My family are big fans of an SEC football team.  We have followed the no weddings on Saturdays in the fall rule, but unfortunately another issue has arisen.
A family member is very ill, and has been given only a few days to live.  In talking with friends and more distant family, the comment was made that while we did not know what the plans would be, the funeral would not be held on a Saturday.
Is that taking it too far?”
You can’t have a wedding in the South on a fall Saturday and you most certainly can’t have a funeral either. Honestly, I think the funeral is even more indefensible. Because the wedding might arise because the bride gets pregnant, for instance, but the date of the funeral is totally your choice.
Plus, they can hold the dead body for several days, I don’t understand the purpose of a weekend funeral at all, especially during football season.
Why does it need to be rushed?
If I die and somebody buries me on a fall Saturday you can be damn sure I will haunt the scheduler on all of your behalves.
“I saw in last week’s mailbag where you brought up how Steve McNair’s murderous side piece dated a dude that worked at White Castle immediately prior to murdering McNair. I was playing football at Vandy at that time and she was also banging one of my teammates. He met her at Dave and Buster’s (where she worked) during the festivities of the 2008 Music City Bowl. He said she was totally insane (clearly) and she even randomly picked him up a few times in a Bentley that he later learned after the murder was actually Steve McNair’s Bentley. Talk about dodging a literal bullet.”
Can you imagine if the Dave and Buster’s waitress you were banging turned out to kill Steve McNair?
You were literally dating a psycho killer and she just happened to kill someone else instead of you. I need this guy to call in to Outkick and tell us stories about how she knew he was crazy. Did he keep banging her even after he thought she might kill him because the sex was so good? Is crazy girl sex better than normal, sane girl sex? And what was his first thought when he found out about the murder suicide?
Seriously, please have him call Outkick.

“About a month ago my friend, his girlfriend, and I moved into an apartment together. I was hesitant about it, but didn’t think it would cause any real issues, since it’s a 2 bed 2 bath apartment with the rooms on completely different sides of each other. I would have my get away from them, and vise versa, if necessary. 

Their bedroom has the bathroom attached, as my bathroom is directly across the hall from my bedroom. I have a Sports Illustrated cover poster of Kate Upton from the 2013 swimsuit edition. As a believer in the first amendment and boobs (especially Kate Upton’s), I decided to put up the poster in what I think is my bathroom to be humorous and probably take it down in a week (or when a girl comes over). Well the next day my friend tells me that she is mad that I put up the poster in the “guest bathroom.” She wants me to take it down because it’s “horn doggish” and doesn’t think it’s appropriate for when we have guests over.  Obviously, my friend is siding with her, and I can’t fault him since she holds the key to the castle.

I’ll admit, it leans a little juvenile to have that poster up in a bathroom as a 23 year old. However, with them telling me to take it down, I’m going to keep it up just to prove a point.

I feel that it will give her more control than she should have over the apartment. Furthermore, this is when I turn to the almighty King Solomon of the internet, we split the rent evenly amongst the three of us. If the bathroom is indeed the “guest bathroom” and not my bathroom, as I thought from the beginning, than they (she) has more control of the apartment. In that case, shouldn’t they have to pay more, subsequently, they have 1.5 bathrooms and I have 0.5 of a bathroom? My friend claims that it evens out since they share a room, but I told him they agreed to be one when they decided to move in together.”

This is a tough one.

Especially since this girlfriend didn’t even tell you, a roommate, about her issue with your poster, but asked her boyfriend to do it instead. If she’s truly bothered by it shouldn’t she tell you herself? After all, you’re all three roommates.

I do agree, however, that you’re getting a pretty good deal here since you get a full bedroom to your own, but only have to pay for 1/3rd of a two bedroom. But this bathroom is also your possession, not just the guest bathroom so I understand your position that you should be able to decorate it however you see fit.

Plus is it really that controversial to have a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover up? I mean, they sell millions of those a year. On the other hand, if you really like the picture, why not put it up in your actual bedroom instead of the bathroom?

Here’s how I think you should solve it. You agree to take the picture down, but in exchange this girl agrees to set you up with her hottest friend she thinks might be willing to sleep with you.

Viola, everybody wins.

“I work for a large investment firm in the Midwest.  Yesterday, I was taking a dump in an unfamiliar building (we have 12) when I heard the sound of high heels clicking on the tile.  Then I heard voices…women’s voices. So what did I do? Wiped as quickly as possible, pulled my pants up and lifted my legs so no one fainted when they saw my damn shoes.

Then came the revolving door. Women entered and exited for what seemed like an eternity.  Every time I thought I had a window to escape, another butt-clinching female waltzed in to relieve herself.

Finally, after feeling like Anne Frank hiding in the annex, I bent over to scan the floor for feet and made a mad dash to the door.  I was free!

Except as soon as I opened the door, there was a crowd of people chatting by the drinking fountains.  Some laughed, a few looked concerned, others disgusted. So I bolted, abandoned my laptop in the nearby conference room, and damn near jogged to the elevators.  Luckily, I didn’t recognize anyone, but I’m inevitably going to run into one of them at some point.

Did I do the right thing?”

Man, this is a great question, my inclination is to announce myself and get out of there as quickly as possible.

Honesty would work pretty well in a situation like this because it’s not uncommon to do. (Although, am I correct that men seem to accidentally go into women’s bathrooms way more often than women go into men’s? Is it because women are more careful about these things or because they can immediately see the urinals and know they went to the wrong bathroom?)

Anyway, if you say, “Sorry, sorry, I’m an idiot, I went to the wrong bathroom,” and then walk out and explain to anyone nearby that you were looking at your phone and just went into the wrong bathroom, I think most people forgive you and it’s not a very big deal.

But the longer you stay in the bathroom hoping to sneak out without being seen, the worst the potential outcome.

Because what happens if, for instance, someone looks in the stall opening and sees a dude in the women’s bathroom with his feet up in the air trying to avoid being seen. My first thought if I’m a woman seeing that isn’t that this is a guy who went to the wrong bathroom, it’s that you’re a total pervert who likes to hear women use the bathroom and have been sitting in there jerking off all day. (By the way, this is another huge fear of women’s, that men realize they have to go to the bathroom too. Women dread pooping anywhere near men they have just begun dating.)

I might scream or summon security and then you have to explain why you’ve chosen to remain hidden in a stall in the wrong bathroom.

So I’d probably just publicly announce my error and walk out. You don’t get entirely away with it, but you limit the downside.

“For the past 10 years I have been more or less 100% invested in building my company. And guess what? It’s worked! We are really successful and I’m worth a ton of money! (I appreciate how much you embrace your success – I can’t really do that, as it would turn off the people we work with, but it would be nice to from time to time).

Anyway, having a meaningful relationship has been hard if not impossible – you know the entrepreneurial grind so I won’t bore you with the details.

The past 4 years have been uniquely busy for me and when my travel schedule went nuts I decided that it was going to be unrealistic to pursue a relationship. But things are starting to slow down in a really good way (more staff, possible exit, etc) so now I need your help deciding where I should invest my dating time/resources.

I feel like my success warrants me dating/marrying a 24-28 year old (I’m 37). But it’s easier to meet and connect with women my age. Some of whom who have kids from previous relationships.

So where should I invest my dating time/interest?

Younger girls

Pro: Hot, not as much of a rush to have kids

Cons: Havent connected mentally/friendship with any so far and harder for me to meet

Older Girls

Pro: Easy to meet and connect with over similar life positions

Cons: Not as hot, more of a rush to have kids

Other background info- I am in the south, so people get married really young, so if I eventually moved to a coast, it wouldn’t be as abnormal for me to be a single male at 37.

Additionally, I like kids and definitely want them. Not opposed to dating/marrying someone with kids so long as there isn’t baby daddy drama.

I no longer drink so I’m not a candidate for “just go out and blow through as many chicks as possible until you find the right one” as that’s something for someone with a more active nightlife. I’m not boring or lame by any means (i.e. I stay out late and go to clubs when in Vegas, Miami, etc) but my method of meeting women is more deliberate and less sloppy luck.

I feel like you are a good person to answer this question – imagine being you where you are right now but with way less visibility in the public. What would you do?”

Effectively what you’re looking for is a life partner now.

This means you’re every woman’s dream, rich, mid to late 30’s, looking for kids and commitment. Most single guys in their twenties and thirties are poor, looking for sex, don’t want to get married and haven’t spent that much time even thinking about whether they truly want kids.

With that in mind, you are such a tremendous catch that I’d date widely because your options are going to be fantastic. In general I’d look younger because you want kids — and maybe multiple kids — but I wouldn’t make age my primary consideration.

Personally, I also wouldn’t want to date a woman who was already married with kids. You say you don’t want ex-husband drama, but you’ve got it for the rest of your life once there’s a divorce if there are kids involved. Whatever happens with that ex-husband for the rest of his life is directly connected to your family forever. Now if someone got married when they were 23 or 24 and got divorced a few years later and has no kids, that’s a different story. That’s basically like a break up. That’s why I encourage people who have bad marital relationships not to have kids in an effort to make the relationship stronger. That’s like pouring kerosene on a fire in an effort to make the fire go out.

Now if you were already divorced with kids yourself it could make total sense to date a woman with kids, but you’re single and never married. There are tons of single and never married women without kids or prior relationship drama and that’s who your target should be.

Since you don’t know many women I’d set up online profiles on multiple sites and weed out women based on emails and interaction before we even got to dating. For instance, I wouldn’t date a woman who uses the wrong your or the wrong its in an email. Boom, she’s gone. That may be tough, but it’s a rough approximation of intelligence and you’ve got to find a way to weed out all the women who will be chasing you.

Honestly, I bet there are a thousand or more women reading this mailbag answer right now begging for your email address. You have what every woman is looking for — be selective.

And good luck.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmailcom, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.