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Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

If you’re home and looking for new content to consume, I guarantee you will enjoy this morning’s Outkick radio debate between NBC’s Peter King and me over whether I’m an awful person.

Go check it out, it’s in hour three of the podcast.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Here we go:

“My wife recently had our second child and just finished the 6 week recovery period in which the doctors recommend waiting to have sex. During that period there was no sexual activity between us. She wanted to have sex the night her doctor cleared her on week 6 and I would assume that we will get back to our routine of 1-2 times a week.  

Am I wrong for thinking that I should have received a bj or even a good old fashioned hj during that 6 week period? I’m not asking for much, just something other than my phone to keep me from pulling a Robert Kraft. What is standard protocol here? Secondly, my wife wants another kid more than I do.  Should I negotiate the after birth action before we start trying for the next one?”

Your wife just pushed a baby out of her vagina, which is like pushing a watermelon through a grape physiologically — or, even worse, had a C-section — and has been breastfeeding that infant, which will not sleep for more than a few hours in a row, for multiple weeks. She likely hasn’t slept much herself, feels fat and unattractive, has lactating breasts, may feel too tired to even shower, and has a tiny newborn she’s responsible for all day long every day. Not to mention, and maybe this is too graphic, she may have injuries she’s recovering from that took place during the birthing.

And in her very limited (aka nonexistent) free time from all this responsibility you want her to blow you? Or jerk you off?

I gotta be honest with you here, if she does that she’s a saint. Because if I had all this going on I don’t even think I’d want to jerk myself off, much less expect someone else to do it.

And having had three kids I felt like way too much of an asshole to even suggest what you’re asking to my wife when they were newborns.

So just jerk off, dude. (And if you can’t jerk off by yourself for six weeks without paying for sex, you’ve got bigger problems in your life than six weeks without sex).

Having said all of this, you should definitely negotiate more sex in exchange for baby number three. Once she’s off the pussy disabled list, aka the PDL, you can feel free to work out trades. But until she can pass the physical, you need to just give her as much support as possible. And jerk off quietly at night to the flickering images of your iPhone like a gentleman.

“Let me start by saying I have absolutely no problem with interracial relationships. I would certainly go out with a red hot smoking women of another race. My question is, what’s the deal with all the interracial couples on television commercials? I would guess that 50% of commercials that have obvious couples have interracial couples. I see nothing wrong with this except it’s so off percentage wise from real life. I just wonder why when advertisers in a herd mentality do something, why they do it? If you haven’t noticed this phenomenon, you will now.”

I think this is just about checking off all the boxes to appeal to the largest possible demographic of viewers. While also broadcasting to everyone, LOVE IS BLIND, WE DON’T EVEN NOTICE THESE COUPLES ARE INTERRACIAL.

It’s like when Angelina Jolie said she didn’t see race and then adopted a kid from each racial group.

Pretty wild how that randomly happened, right?

Nothing more nefarious than this though.

This past weekend we watched a new WWE movie on Netflix — my kids loved it — where a mixed race kid, the star, had a white dad, a black grandma, an Asian girlfriend, and Indian and white best friends.

But that wasn’t it either, the three bullies were also three different races. So even the bullies were white, black and Asian too. Other than a Hispanic person the entire rainbow of American diversity was encapsulated in this single WWE movie. Everyone could watch it and see a version of themselves.

The clear goal of a movie like this, even if they are beating it over your head if you’re an adult, is that we’re all much more alike than we are different, which I think is true and is a good lesson for young kids to understand early. (And for adults to be reminded of.)

Now the flaw in the logic here is it presupposes that kids only see themselves in movies based on race. In other words, that a kid can’t identify with a person of a different race even though they might have similar personalities and interests because they are a different race (or sex). One of the great things about sports, which are probably our best youthful way that kids come in contact with others of different backgrounds, is you learn most kids are pretty similar, regardless of race or religion or ethnicity or sexuality.

But I think the pay off is still worth it, the key to me is all the kids in the movie, while they were racially diverse, weren’t defined by their race. And I think that’s a positive direction movies and TV are moving. Because for a long time if you had diverse characters they had to be defined by their race and that was the reason they were there. The black guy is a BLACK GUY and the Asian person is the ASIAN PERSON. As opposed to just being real, vibrant characters who just happen to be a certain race. Now we’re at least allowing these characters to be real people, as opposed to the stand-in representative for everyone who looks like them on the planet.

I think what’s going on with commercials and pop culture now is it’s easier, and cheaper, to simply make them diverse. And instead of making them diverse by having a white and black and Asian couple all featured, they mix them together in interracial families. Remember, for a while there were black commercials and white commercials, now it seems like that’s less common.

The goal is just to make one commercial to appeal to everyone.

Furthermore, remember commercials are mostly made for the audience twenty years into the future — the younger people — as opposed to the older people. Commercials don’t reflect what all of us see of society, they reflect the society that younger people, who are more persuadable, see in their lives.

Plus, if you make a commercial with just white people, you’re racist. Or at least called racist on Twitter, which is what every company is terrified of.

Don’t believe me? Think about home security company commercials — you ever notice that the robbers in those commercials are always white guys? Because if they put a black robber in the commercials social media would lose their minds. Maybe we’re moving towards an era when the robbers will all be multiple races, so even robbers are diverse and inclusive, but in the meantime if you watch commercials you’d only think white dudes robbed houses.

“In keeping with the traditions of the mailbag, I had a poop story from Easter to share.
Our youngest daughter is a little over 2 months old. She is a happy, bouncing bundle of joy most of the time, but Easter morning she violently lashed out in a way we did not believe possible, unleashing what will henceforth be known as the a-poo-calypse.
She had been a bit constipated the last few days, so we wanted to help her work through it. We tried many of the usual tricks that help her go, but nothing was working. We decided rather than see her in pain, we were going to give her a small amount of prune juice to help things get moving.
We had never given her prune juice before, and she gobbled up those 2oz happily. Afterward, she fell into a deep and peaceful slumber. 
A short time later, she awoke with some forceful grunts; the juice was working. Her face began to turn colors as she worked things out. Eventually, she began to cry as she isn’t a fan of dirty diapers. My wife and I knew this would not be a diaper for the faint of heart and shouldn’t be tackled alone, so we took her to the bedroom and decided to work together to get this cleaned up as quickly as possible. 
The scene was a grizzly one, but nothing a parent hasn’t seen before. We worked together to get everything in order as quickly as possible. Once the mess was cleaned, I took the diaper to be disposed of. As I walked away, my wife noted that our daughter was now smiling and must be feeling better. It was the last smile we would ever see.
I was mere feet outside the bedroom door when I heard the screams. Quickly I turned back to the bedroom to assist, but it was too late. Our little girl had farted, and there was nothing there to stop the carnage. 
Y’all, this 2 month old obliterated everything on my side of the bedroom. Everything in the line of fire was hit and hit hard. The comforter, pillows, night stand, and floor were hit first. They never saw it coming.
Further across the room, the curtains had been struck about halfway up. It was an incredibly impressive scene of nature’s fury, but it didn’t prepare me for what I saw next.
My bathroom door and floor had also fallen victim. They were 8’ minimum away from her. 8’…that little girl projectile shot shit a distance longer than Tacko Fall is tall from her hindquarters. I had no idea something like this was even physically possible.
Naturally my first reaction upon seeing this scene is intense and uncontrollable laughter. My wife, less than pleased by this response and covered in baby shit, refocused my attention with some choice words and we got everything cleaned up. While we do need new bedding and curtains, we are comforted by the fact that our daughter is now happy again. However, in the future, we will make sure to give the prune juice just a little while longer to work its magic.”
The perfect Easter story!
If you have young kids, poop disasters are legion.
Record all the poop and play it for everyone to see on the night before her wedding at the couple’s dinner.
“We need the opinion of the Boob-Czar to settle a boob-related dispute. Can you still enjoy boobs even though you do not find the woman’s face attractive? Two of us believe, yes, you can enjoy a great set of boobs if you may not find the woman’s face attractive. The third person in the dispute does not believe so. This all started in a discussion about nudity in the Witcher, then Game of Thrones, then Spartacus.
Non-believer complained about Lucy Lawless’s nude scenes because they included her face and he “can’t unsee that shit.” We asked why he didn’t stare at her boobs instead. He said he had no desire to look at her boobs strictly because he did not like her face. We thought it was ridiculous, her boobs looked pretty good in that show. Non-believer says we are wrong.
So we ask you, oh Boob-Czar.”
I mean the answer is incontrovertibly yes, you can enjoy a woman’s boobs even if you don’t find her attractive.
I mean ideally you’d love both the face and the boobs, but you can certainly appreciate someone’s finer assets even if you don’t like the other parts of them as much. In fact, there are tons of guys out there right now who are married to women based on one body part they initially noticed the first time they saw a woman: boobs, butt, legs, feet, you name it, men are sickos who are initially attracted based on physical appeal. The species probably wouldn’t still exist today if men didn’t sleep with women all the time because of one particular body part they love.
Women do this all the time too, they’re just even more discriminatory. Women eliminate tons of men from their dating pool based on their height and their hair, the double h’s. If you’re a short bald dude and you want a hot wife, you better be rich and successful as hell. (I’d argue short bald men probably overindex for advanced degrees and successful jobs precisely because of this reason, they know they have to work harder without the natural benefits of height and hair, in order to snag desirable mates).
My wife is a perfect example of this, I asked her if she would have dated me if I were 5’6″ instead of 6’0″ tall and she said, “Probably not.”
And she’s 5’4!
I’d still be taller than her if I were 5’6″ and she wouldn’t have been attracted to me if I was short.
When I pointed this out she said, “Yes, but what if I was wearing heels?”
So the existence of my three boys is pretty much entirely determined by my height, something I had no control over.
Women judge men all the time for height and hair and we don’t control them at all. Yet if a man judges a woman for being fat women lose their minds.
Women can put in their dating profiles online, “No short or bald guys,” and men just nod and accept it.
If a guy puts in his dating profile, “No fat chicks,” he’s an asshole.
Yet you can control your weight! No one gets left on a deserted island and ends up fat when they get rescued years later.
Now I’m not saying everyone can have a perfect body, but if you eat less food you will lose weight and eventually not be fat.
This is science.
So is liking boobs.
In conclusion, your buddy is a boobist and I hate him.
Thanks for reading Outkick. As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

The Daily Outkick: Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Peter King

Peter King Came On Outkick This Morning To Talk About Ripping Me