Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.

“Are sex robots cheating? I saw an article on the rise of sex robots this morning and people’s opinions on them.  60% of people think having sex with robots is cheating, but 40% of people think having sex with them isn’t cheating. I knew the world needed the King Solomon of the internet (aka The MSESPN Slayer) to weigh in. 

Obviously strippers and porn aren’t cheating, but these robots cost roughly $8,000. Granted, if you are spending that much on one I doubt you have a significant other, but still the question remains: is this cheating or not?”

This is going to turn into a massive ethical dilemma in the future, isn’t it? Especially as the sex robots become more and more lifelike. What happens if there are West World like robots and you really can’t tell the difference between them and real life? I think it’s easy to say it isn’t cheating when the robots don’t look much like humans, but what about when they do?
Frankly, there are so many questions about sex robots that future generations are going to have to decide. For instance, where do you hide these things in the house or apartment? How do you move with one? A sex robot takes up a lot of space, right? It’s not like jerking off to porn on your iPhone, what do your kids think when they find dad’s sex robot hidden in the clost?
Also, do you share them with each other when you get tired of your own sex robot? After all, variety is the spice of life, right? Instead of poker night do guys come over with their sex robots and share them with each other? Do sex robot orgies become a thing?
Also, how do you clean a sex robot? Is that going to become the most disgusting job of the 21st century? What about sex robot repairman? What happens if your robot malfunctions and your dick gets stuck in one? Do you call the ambulance?
And how specific can the sex robot designs become? Do you pick a girl you like in real life, but one that would never sleep with you in real life, and have her designed for you? If so, what happens if you end up dating that girl because you get rich and then one day she comes over and finds out you had a sex robot that looks like her built? That’s not exactly charming, right?
How about if your sex robot looks like a buddy’s sister or his mom or, God forbid, your buddy’s wife. “Yeah, I always wanted to bang your wife, so I got a sex robot that was built just like her.” How does a wife feel when your sex robot looks like her sister or her best friend? What about if your sex robot looks just like your ex-girlfriend?
Will women have sex robots and instead of using them for sex will they use them for just walking around the house cleaning and picking up dirty clothes?
As you can tell, I’m fascinated by all the ethical dilemmas at play here.
Having said all of this, it’s not cheating. You can’t cheat without a real person involved. Now a woman can certainly think it’s weird — I wouldn’t want to date a dude with a sex robot, either — but it’s just a more advanced blow up doll. And I don’t think anyone out there would consider a dude having sex with a blow up doll to be cheating. Pathetic, yes, cheating, no.
The same is true here.
“Which is the most desirable threesome combo (assuming both girls are an 8, at least 18 years old, and all equally interested in said threesome)?
  • Twin sisters
  • Non twin sisters
  • Sorority sisters
  • Best friends
  • Frenemies
  • Mother / daughter
  • Co-workers
  • Complete strangers”

It’s sorority sisters first and complete strangers second. No one else is even close to these two, but frenemies would be number three. The worst is related people. Now let me explain why.

If you pull off hooking up with two hot sorority sisters at once then inevitably that story gets out and every other girl in the sorority will consider you worthy of hooking up with too. The same is true of other girls in the school, who will also find out. Your ability to pull off the threesome with two hot sorority sisters leads to much more sex for you in the future. That isn’t true of anyone else on this list.

This is an important truth and I want all you young, single guys reading this right now to pay attention — girls judge whether to hook up with you or not based on the girls you’ve hooked up with before. If you hook up with hot girls, other hot girls want to hook up with you. It’s like a self-fulfilling cycle, if you hook up with unattractive girls then good looking girls won’t want to hook up with you.

This is because girls spend even more time judging other girls than guys do. Male relationships are typically based, at least to some degree, on physical or mental dominance; girls base their relationship hierarchy on social status. If a hot girl sees you hooking up with another hot girl that puts you in the same social strata as her. It’s not as much about you as it is about the girl you’re hooking up with.

The second best option here is complete strangers and the third is frenemies because there’s a strong possibility that this threesome will lead to awkwardness and it’s better not to have to worry about future interactions. The other options are all less desirable, with the absolute worst being mom/daughter and sister/sister. Anyone doing that has severe psychological issues and you should run from them.

“First off great show, I left ESPN and now follow/listen to your show.

My wife and I are in our mid 50s and have been married for almost 25 years. I am in a 12 man fantasy football league and I am drafting next week in the 10th position. There is a young man about 27 , good looking in shape in our draft and he has the number 4 pick. He has offered me to trade his 4th pick for my 10th pick and a night with my wife. My question is do I tell my wife the trade offer? I really want the 4th pick, I am not worried about her leaving, but what if she says yes, will this become more than a one night thing?”

First, I think your wife has to be worth more than six spots in the fantasy draft.

Second, how about the balls on the young guy in the league? I have to take this as a total joke. What if you tell your wife, she agrees, and then he tells you he was just joking and you can’t even trade your wife for six spots in the fantasy draft.

Third, how much money is at stake in this league? It better be a ton.

Fourth, what do you tell the rest of the league to explain the changes in draft order? “Yeah, Joey banged my wife so I get to take Drew Brees instead of Matt Stafford. I’ve got the four pick now.”

If sex with your wife is really in play here, I think you need more value. So you’ve got to go to the top three guys and see whether they’ll make the deal too. Maybe get a third team option at play or a player option to be named later.

“A couple weekends ago, myself and three buddies go to Vegas for a long weekend. The second night of the trip and we are all at the casino, drinking like fish and blowing through tons of money and finally, I decide to be the loser and call it a night. The other two stay down there and I go up to the room to pass out.

Here’s where it gets interesting: Buddy A walks back into the room, wakes me from my drunken slumber and says, “Dude, you gotta leave.”

“What? Why?” I ask.

“Because. I’ve got a girl coming up.”

“Ah, well, good for you. Let me get dressed.” (I’m preparing to go back and meet up with Buddies B and C because I figure he’s picked up a normal girl in the casino.)

“Yeah, dude. Found her on BackPage! Only $200!”

“What?! No. Fuck you. I’m going to sleep. You can hire a hooker tomorrow night.”

“No! Just leave for a little bit. Here, I’ll give you $200 cash to go back down there for a while.”

“You know what? Fine.”

So I grab the $200, walk out of the room, go straight down, put it all on black and it hits, so I’m up $400 (still down on the night) and we all head to a different casino.

My problem is here, after Buddy A gets done, he texts and says, “Come on back up. Oh, and by the way, can I get that $200 back? It wound up being $500 for her and all I got was a handjob.”

So, the questions are: A-Am I obligated to give him his money back and B-I have to change his fantasy football team name to “$500 Hand Jobber,” right?”

If you are feeling generous you can give the money back, but you fulfilled your end of the bargain here. You had drunkenly passed out in the room and would have stayed there for the rest of the night. He requested the room to bang a hooker and you vacated it to allow him to do the deed.

You were perfectly willing to leave the room if he’d found a normal girl in the casino, but once he said he was paying for sex you made the decision that I think most guys would make, “Screw you, I’m not leaving.”

All of your actions were perfectly defensible here.

What’s more, it’s not your fault he ended up paying more for sex than he anticipated. He thought he’d pay $200 for sex and he ended up paying $500 for a hand job. It’s not your fault that a hooker took advantage of your drunk buddy and got more money than he wanted to pay. If hookers couldn’t take advantage of drunk dudes, the business would collapse.

One last question: How did you end up doing gambling the rest of the night? You turned the $200 into $400 in roulette, but did you subsequently win a lot more money or lose it all back? If you ended up winning a bunch more money you could basically give him the $200 back as a gesture of good, but if you lost the money he gave you you certainly aren’t obligated to repay it.

As far as I’m concerned you fulfilled your end of the bargain by vacating the room so he could bang a hooker. (And by “bang a hooker” I mean, get jerked off by one).

Oh, and you definitely have to make that his fantasy football team name.

“I’m 37 and have two girls aged 6 and 4. My oldest just started kindergarten and we’re a happy, diaper free home, good jobs, blah blah blah.
My wife and I didn’t take having a 3rd off the table but our only reasoning for having a 3rd was to maybe have a boy.  She’s been on birth control since our last kid.
A few weeks ago I start talking to a buddy about going all Thelma & Louise with him and getting a vasectomy.  After discussing with the wife she was cool with this and so appointments were made.
Yesterday we find out my wife is 14 weeks pregnant so we’re staring down the barrel of the baby stage again.
Since you have 3 kids, on a scale of 1-10 how fucked are we?”
I actually think every kid gets easier. And each kid is so unique that it’s awesome to see how they turn out so I think you should be excited. You can raise them the exact same, but their personalities are so distinct it’s just fascinating to watch how they turn out.
My two oldest boys are totally different.
For instance, Friday morning in our house my six year old, he’s in first grade, just realized that he had his first ever spelling test. We only knew this because my wife went to the parent-teacher night.
The first grader has been telling us for a couple of weeks that his teacher doesn’t give homework. And we believed him. So my wife finds out he has a spelling test and doesn’t get home until after he’s already gone to bed. The next morning he’s telling us he knows how to spell all his words anyway. So my wife’s giving him the spelling words as they eat breakfast and she gives him the word crab.
He spells it: K-R-A-I-B.
KRAIB!
My nine year old, who studied his spelling words religiously for days in advance of all spelling tests, is just absolutely loving it. (Brothers root for each other to fail more than they root for anything in elementary school. It’s amazing, like every pair of young brothers is a perpetual Alabama and Auburn rivalry).
And it doesn’t get much better than that for the rest of the words. So I walk the two boys to school and we’re on our way and my six year old is just all gloom and doom, convinced his life is over now because he’s got a spelling test and he has no idea how to spell any of the words.
And I’m like, “What have you been doing in class while you were supposed to be practicing spelling?”
And my six year old says, “Drawing pictures of wrestlers.” (This is true, the kid has more Rickey the Dragon Steamboat pictures than any six year old in America).
So, anyway, this is a story about how different two brothers can be no matter how similar you treat them. We still haven’t gotten his spelling test back yet, but I’ll let you know what grade he gets.
But I would have a fourth kid just because they are all so amazingly different.
With your first kid you live in a perpetual state of fear that you’re going to screw something up. And you think one kid is a ton of work because you’re both total pussies and because the difference between no kids and one kid is like the difference between night and day. Once you have multiple kids you laugh at the idea that you ever thought one kid was much work at all. By kid two you’re better at the process and by kid three, you’re totally relaxed. So you’ll be fine.
I also think older dads are better dads; I’m more relaxed now at 38 than I was as a dad at 28.
I think men, in general, would probably be the best dads in their late 40’s and 50’s. Because by then you’ve established what your life will be like and you aren’t working as hard at trying to build something. There are very few people who are complete failures at 50 and then become huge successes at 56. So I’d imagine that being a dad in your 50’s is pretty great because you’ve worked hard to establish your life by that point and you can start to appreciate things more.
And it’s why so many grandpas are completely different as grandpas than they were as dads. By the time you’re old enough to be a grandpa, everything isn’t a sprint. Right now I feel like many of my days are total sprints. By 50 years old I expect to have lots of money banked and be relaxing more.
But in 12 years my boys will be 22, 19, and 15.
And they’ll be almost out on their own.
I have no idea what I’ll do with all my time then.
So I think you’ll be fine. Your two oldest kids will be old enough to help out some and you know the kid is going to be fine. This will probably be the last time you get to experience being a dad so I’d try and enjoy it. Will parts of it suck, of course, but try and enjoy your last experience of having a really young kid.
My youngest is about to turn three and he is absolutely awesome, this is a perfect age. In fact, if I could, I’d pause time once we get him fully potty-trained and have my boys be 10, 7, and 3 for the next five years or so. They’re awesome right now.
“My wife and I are a couple of years older than you, but our boys are almost the same ages (6-11). We take our boys on vacation a lot, but we also struggle to find time for sex while on vacation. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t like to take them on long trips for this reason. Do you have any advice? I notice that your family goes on long vacations, and I assume that you and your wife can’t go that long without sex? Should I just pony up the money and get two rooms? I could care less about the costs if it gets me laid.”
If you can’t afford two rooms have sex in the bathroom after the kids go to sleep.
Lacking that, get a suite and put the kids on the pullout couch and sleep in the big bed yourselves. Have sex after they fall asleep.
If neither of those are an option, get two rooms.
For the long trips we’ve taken we usually take our nanny/wunderkind personal assistant with us. That way we can get two rooms and put the kids in one with her and have our own room too. There’s no way we would have gone to Europe, for instance, with three kids ages 9, 6 and 2 without an additional adult with us.
When you factor in what child care costs, the added cost of having your own nanny/helper isn’t that much more.
Everybody talks about what college costs, but we were paying $13k a year per kid for child care in Nashville. And that wasn’t even at a high end day care. That’s twice what tuition is at the University of Tennessee. That is, it would have been cheaper for me to have two kids in college than to have two kids in day care.
Just pure insanity.
As for vacation sex, my wife wouldn’t miss it if we didn’t have sex for an entire vacation. In fact, if you told my wife she had to give up buying new work out clothes for a month or sex with me for a month, there is zero doubt she gives up sex with me for the month.
Ah, marriage.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.