Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

But before we get to that, yesterday we had a big announcement on Outkick, the VIP section officially launched. Right now you can subscribe to Outkick VIP for $99 for the entire year and you get a shirt of your choice. (Most of the shirts are brand new designs, including our MSESPN one and new DBAP designs.) Hundreds of you signed up yesterday and over the next year we’ll be doing VIP events in Nashville, Atlanta, Houston, Dallas, Birmingham, NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Charlotte, Memphis, Knoxville, Washington, D.C., St. Louis, Kansas City, in Florida on 30A and probably in a decent number of college towns and additional cities as well. We have an Outkick message board set up and it’s already getting pretty active. So go check out the new shirts and subscribe here. The shirt code — after you subscribe to Outkick VIP on the checkout page — is “freeshirt.”

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Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag.

“So my buddy’s birthday is coming up and as a big Alabama fan I was obviously left with a predicament when he scheduled a lake trip with no TVs on Labor Day weekend. My very first thought was about the Bama – FSU game. This isn’t the first time this happened. The only other time we’ve ever done anything like this was last year’s 10-0 LSU game. He’s not from the south so he doesn’t understand SEC football fans and he got upset when I told him how important the game was to me. With that said, what do I do here? Tell him dbap and leave early to watch the game? Or not attend at all because bad scheduling?”

I wouldn’t go at all.

Look, this guy isn’t six years old, he’s a grown ass man. Once you’re a grown ass man, no one cares about your birthday. Honestly, guys throwing birthday parties for themselves is a total pussy move. Congrats, asshole, you lived another year without dying and now we’re all supposed to get together and celebrate this fact?

Once you’re out of college you can have a big birthday party for yourself when you turn 30, 40, 50, 60, etc. Only round numbers that signify the end of one decade and the start of a new one.

And even that’s overdoing it.

Here’s an important life lesson for all of you: no one cares about your goddamn birthday except for your own mom.

Hell, I have two kids turning seven and three within two days of each other — September 15th and 17th — and I scheduled that birthday party so it wouldn’t conflict with a Titans game. If I can do that for my kids — and all the other parents out there — then your loser friend could have scheduled his lake trip birthday party in the three months before Labor Day when there was no football.

I’d bail on the entire trip and enjoy Bama-FSU if I were you.

“So a few weeks ago my sister lost her phone at a grocery store (we are both adults). She has a husband that she’s separated from and tells everyone that she only visits to let him see his daughter. Whoever found this phone was able to get it unlocked and sent everyone on her Facebook the personal messages from her husband that included dick pics and all. What accompanied the dick pick was a message that said, “dingus says good morning (referring to his dick!)”

Really, a guy in his late 30’s has a name for his dick? So, the question is, do most guys name their dicks?”

I think you’re burying the lead here — your sister is lying about losing her phone. She gave it to someone she didn’t know well to embarrass her ex-husband by posting naked photos of him on Facebook.

And then she claimed she lost it.

Otherwise this story makes no sense. You think someone hacked the passcode on her phone and tracked down these people on Facebook so he or she could risk being caught stealing the phone to post photos of people on a social network? Come on, no way.

As for men naming their dicks, which sounds better, “My dick says good morning,” or (ridiculous made up name for penis) says good morning.”

Both are ridiculous — pun definitely intended — but I kind of think the nicknamed dick text sounds better because it’s acknowledging how absurd it is to be sending a picture of your dick saying good morning. The nickname, to me, makes it clear the sender knows how ridiculous he’s being.

Secondary question, do women name their vaginas? I’ve never heard of this happening, but I kind of want it to be a thing now because what would women name their vaginas? I feel like their names would be much more literary and creative than men’s names.

“Say good morning to Emily Dickisninme.”

“I am in a fantasy football league where all the members (men and women) of the league live in (redacted) and I am across the country. Typically we perform an offline draft where everyone meets in one location, consume tons of drinks, and I end up facetiming in to draft my championship caliber team because I’m out of town.

However, this year weird things are happening with the group where there will be an online draft because some of the girls made weird excuses, for the first time ever, about how they could not make it across (large city) on a work night because they would get home too late.

This story didn’t add up so I investigated.

Here is where I find a bombshell. Apparently, one of the married men in the group has been sending inappropriate drunk messages to another girl or girls in the league and they feel uncomfortable being around this guy now. This guy’s wife is also in the league and is very close friends with these girls her husband has been hitting on. The weirder part, I think, is that the girls who know about this guy’s behavior are NOT telling his wife.

She is totally oblivious that her husband is being inappropriate to her best friends. So my question to you Mr. Travis, do I take it into my own hands to inform this poor girl that her husband is behaving inappropriately? I do not want the league to blow up before the season starts because I win the league all the time.”

You most definitely do not interject yourself into the drama surrounding the league or this couple’s marriage. I do, however, think that the best guy friend of this dude should let him know that some of the girls in the league think he’s sending inappropriate texts and that he should just cool it because they’re gossiping about it.

But before we throw the guy completely under the bus here — by the way, how did this cliche start, has anyone ever been intentionally thrown under a bus as punishment? Was this a regular occurrence somewhere? — I’d want to know how inappropriate is inappropriate? Is it like a dick pic and sex solicitation level inappropriate, in which case there’s no defending him, or is it just inappropriate jokes — that the guy may find totally appropriate with other guys in the league — and the girls are overreacting because they like drama?

Also, why couldn’t the girl immediately respond and end this instead of creating drama. If a married guy sends you an inappropriate text why can’t you text back, “Look, we’re friends, but this kind of text is inappropriate for a married guy to send to another woman. I’m going to pretend this one didn’t ever come, but if you send me another one like this, I’m showing your wife.”

Bang, that should be it.

Having said all of this, I don’t text with my friends wives. Why would I text with them when I’m only friends with them because I’m friends with their husbands? So texting this girl seems like a strange move on the husband’s part to begin with. Unless he’s planning a surprise birthday party for his wife — see previous answer above on why this would be stupid — there’s really no reason for him to be texting the girls in his league.

Also, guys, if you’re desperate to have an affair, is there a more asshole move than to have an affair with one of your wife’s friends? Can’t you at least be a gentleman and find a stranger?

You’re screwing up everything here.

Because when this inevitably comes out — and somehow it will definitely come out — the fantasy football league is dead and everyone has to basically choose which friend they’re going to continue to be friends with — are you on the guy’s team, the wife’s team, or the girl’s team that he was texting? Because all three of these groups are breaking up.

Leaving aside the moral angle here, it’s just really dumb to blow up the fantasy football league. Do you know how hard it is to get these things set up and have them last for years? Have some decency, asshole.

“My girlfriend suffers from #hotgirlprivilege; never had a speeding ticket, free drinks at the bars, you know- typical stuff. One side effect is that it’s super hard for her to have much of a friendly/business relationship with most guys because they can never keep from trying to bang her.

Anyway, she has recently begun a business endeavor with a well respected early 30’s, married guy who just had a kid. She is a couple years removed from college. Well this guy has made the moves and she has rejected him hardcore, but he isn’t a quitter, and knows he has a bit of power in their business relationship.

Long story short, he knew she has always wanted to go to Italy so he bought the two of them flights to Italy and booked the best hotel he can find. No way he is telling his wife about the ordeal, but he always pawns off the business trips these 2 take as a business trip with a male co-worker he has at a different job. My girlfriend is dreading the trip, doesn’t want to go, especially with him but doesn’t want to ruin all of the hard work she has put into this new gig and ruin the potential working relationship they can have for the future. I told her to play sick or come up with a lame excuse, but she said this guy is too smart and can see through most of that BS. So, you unabashed dog hater (way worse of an insult than anything you’ve ever been called on twitter, by the way) what’s the play here?
Don’t screw this up, she could become a big Outkick fan if this goes well. I know you care big time when people tweet you #unfollow.”

This is textbook sexual harassment.

I don’t know how explicit he’s been, but there are two types of sexual harassment. Quid pro quo, and hostile work environment. (I used to do teach sexual harassment seminars).

Here he’s her boss — at least it sounds like he is based on the way you’ve described the job — and what we’re dealing with here is a quid pro quo type situation. That is, she feels obligated to sleep with him to keep her job. She seems to have a strong case base on the details you’ve laid out.

Now, to be fair, we’re just hearing her side.

How legit is the trip to Italy? Surely there has to be some business purpose, right? How aggressive have the sexual advances been? And where have they been? Has she responded to them in any way that makes him believe these advances aren’t unwanted?

All of these details matter.

And if she’s truly troubled by this, she should consult a lawyer and/or file an official complaint with her employer. (This is admittedly difficult if he’s her boss and runs the company). The challenge is that obviously either of these moves takes things to the next level and ends her business relationship.

That’s why if she really likes her job and thinks she can end the advances — and keep her job — then that’s what I would advise.

So what would I suggest she do if that’s her goal?

I’d advise her to email him — thereby creating a written record — the fact that she loves her job and wants to keep it, but she doesn’t feel comfortable about the sexual pressures he’s putting on her. (If she’s willing to itemize the times he’s made her uncomfortable in the email that’s even better.)

Now you should know that back when I did sexual harassment investigations every girl claimed she’d been sexually harassed and every man claimed he’d never done it. So he’s entitled to a defense here. Namely, what evidence, if any, does he have that these advances are welcome?

Granted, he shouldn’t be sleeping — or trying to sleep with a subordinate — but if he’s persistent about trying to do it may be because she’s giving him conflicting signals and he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. After all, lots of legitimate relationships begin at work. It’s even possible your girlfriend is lying to you about not having done anything at all and they’re already hooking up.

That’s why the email is great advice for her, put in a written format with a time and date stamp all of her concerns and then she has that as evidence forever. It’s the functional equivalent of going to an authority figure, without going to an authority figure.

One more suggestion: if you really want to take it nuclear, why can’t you reach out to him directly? That’s a wild card move, but if you say, “Look, my girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep with you and you’re married. She’s confided in me about your pressures, but she doesn’t know I’m emailing you. And while she’s not willing to do anything about it, I will. I’ve looked up your wife online and here’s the message I have drafted to her about your trip to Italy with my girlfriend. I’d obviously prefer that this story come to an end now, but if you keep up your behavior I’m going to tell your wife about it.”

That’s a risky move — and I wouldn’t do it unless I had cleared it with my girlfriend first — you would claim you were doing it without her knowledge, but in reality she’d have to know — but it could be a solid move on your part.

And it’s one I’d definitely offer to my girlfriend if I were you.

Good luck.

“Our family was in the Path of Totality for yesterday’s eclipse, and it was amazing. Truly incredible. But today there’s news about babies being born during the eclipse, and some parents are naming the kid Eclipse. Is this acceptable or ridiculous? If you name your daughter Eclipse, what are the odds her future career involves hanging from a pole?”

I don’t get the desire to have sex during the eclipse.

“Baby, it’s so hot right now. Have you looked outside? It looks just like dawn or dusk out there!”

I walked outside during totality and you know what had happened? The lights had come on above my garage. That’s it. Nothing else was different at all. I feel like the eclipse was the most overhyped event in my state since Tennessee started 5-0 in football last year.

The odds of a baby girl named Eclipse attaining a graduate degree have to be infinitesimally small.

Which reminds me, when my wife was a Titans cheerleader she used to do public appearances. And all these parents would bring their daughters there to meet the cheerleaders and many of them said, “I hope one day (insert daughter here) can grow up and be a cheerleader too.”

And I always wanted to say, “Or maybe she could be a doctor or lawyer instead.”

Because getting paid $100 to pose for pictures in your twenties isn’t a career. (Granted, this was before Kim Kardashian made a billion dollars off a sex tape. They were simpler times.)

So have bigger career goals for your daughters, even if you’re dumb enough to name them Eclipse.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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