Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday and time for the anonymous mailbag. I’m writing this from LA, where we’ll have two things for you today: Outkick the Show will be live from LA at a new time for the rest of the week 2 est, 1 ct, 12 mt, 11 pt and we’ll have our college football playoff special taped today.

Yesterday’s guest, which set a new all time live viewer record with over 60,000 live viewers, was Dave Portnoy, the head of Barstool Sports. Listen to that here.   

As always these are emails sent to me by anonymous readers. If you email me I guarantee anonymity. Send your emails to clay.travis@gmail.com

Here we go: 

“I have a buddy getting married on NYE this year, I’ve agreed to be an usher for him. I’m cool with that, I didn’t have to rent a tux, don’t have to stand up in front of everyone, and don’t have to worry about any responsibility besides walking a few grannies and hot moms down the aisle.

However, as you know, the CFB playoffs are that day. The wedding is at 6pm, the games are at 4 and 8pm EST. We’re in Michigan, and a majority of the guests, groom and groomsman are Spartan fans. I’m personally a Michigan fan, but I don’t mind seeing “Mike” Dantonio and the Spartans win, and I think anyone who says Roll Tide should be punched in the face, so I’m intrigued by this game.

I just found out that there will be no TVs at the wedding reception… Like none. However, they will have one there near New Year’s Eve so that everyone can watch the ball drop at midnight. There will be no football on because “it’s a wedding” (his words). The bride is cool, I have no issues with her, but this is ridiculous. We’re all mid to late twenties, and it’s literally the biggest MSU game of our lifetimes, and everyone will be forced to watch it on their phones even though there will be a perfectly good TV there with Ryan Secrest on it instead of football.

My question is two parts: 1. Do you support the NYE wedding in general? and 2. What is the protocol on them having TVs available for the guests? Should I be threatening to boycott this wedding on principal or should I just suck it up, bring an iphone charger, and hope the WatchESPN app can give me my fix?

I don’t even know if a gay Muslim like yourself would get married on NYE or if you’ve ever had to deal with a situation like this, but I figured you might be able to provide some advice.”

This is awful. 

And just the latest evidence of the college football playoff brain trust screwing everyone by playing these games on New Year’s Eve when ESPN begged them to put the games on Saturday the 2nd. Of course, the playoff games should always be on January 1, but the fucking Rose Bowl refuses to move its game. New Year’s Eve is just insanity. 

I’m also not familiar with the idea of a New Year’s Eve wedding. In fact, I’ve never even known or heard of someone getting married on this date. Is this common? It seems like a pretty asshole move, to be honest. I feel this way about holiday weddings in general. The holidays are way overscheduled. I probably don’t want to go to your wedding to begin with — seriously, once you’re married and have a family the idea of either a. dragging your kids to a wedding or b. going to a wedding at all is miserable — but a wedding around a holiday?

Just shoot me now. 

I don’t know what else you can do but listen to the bride’s wishes on the TV. Sure, you can change the channel on the TV, but do you really want to be the asshole commandeering the wedding TV and pissing off the bride? That’s her husband’s job. What should happen is her loser husband — or one of the bride’s brothers or her dad or mom, people she’s related to and won’t stay that mad at forever — should ensure the game is on somewhere. But her husband is already being a pussy by not ensuring the TV is on. (By the way, it’s fated that the ball will be dropping right at a crucial moment in the game, right? I mean, this is definitely happening on the east coast. As soon as the idiot college football playoff people insisted on New Year’s Eve for the games this was fated. This means there will be more fights at midnight on the east coast than ever before.) In all seriousness, if a huge percentage of the guys and girls at your wedding are huge Michigan State fans and you won’t put the playoff game on because you’re afraid your wife will get upset, isn’t that a clear sign that you’re marrying the wrong girl?

Let me put it to you this way, I have three sons. If, in some remote alternate universe, one of them were getting married and Tennessee was in the playoff or, and please stop laughing, the Titans were in the playoffs or the Super Bowl and one of my sons future brides wouldn’t allow the game to be shown at the wedding, I would pull my boys aside and say they were making a big mistake in who they were marrying. I think the same is true for your friend.  

As for what you can do — I think you have one of your friends bring a large iPad or a laptop with a huge screen and scout out the wedding location as soon as you get there. Designate an area to meet and watch the game. You’ll have to leave at some points and circulate, but this is the only way to go.

If there’s no wifi and you can’t get a cell signal then I think you only have one option if it’s a tight game — take over the television. 

Good luck.  

And when your buddy gets divorced you can tell him, “Dude, you should have known when she wouldn’t put Michigan State-Bama on.”

“Please help me settle a recent discussion I had with my wife. She has no problem with me masturbating, but she wishes I used porn less often and my imagination (spank bank) more often. So my question to you oh wise one is this: the average American male masturbates what % of the time with a stimulus (video, magazine , etc) and what % of the time with imagination only? And then what % of the imagination only times are solely due to lack of available stimulus (e.g. you can’t watch porn while jerkin it in the shower)?”

The average American male under the age of 45 jerks off 90% of the time with a stimulus other than his mind. (Older dudes are probably less skilled technologically). 

And it’s nearly 100% of the time if he has access to a stimulus. (Every guy under 35 jerks off with his telephone in one hand. Every single one. This is science).

I love that your wife wants you to use your imagination when you jerk off though. Of all the things she could be concerned about, it’s that you aren’t imagining fake naked women instead of real ones.  

Next time she brings it up, say with a straight face, “I tried it your way, but all I can think about when I use my imagination is your sister.”

“Big fan of OKTC here. I’m writing because I am at a serious impasse with my girlfriend. A little background, we have been dating for 4 years now. We both just turned 30. I love her, and she loves me, and everything you’d want in a wife is there (looks, brains, sex life, ambition, think she’d be a great mom if/when that bend of life comes careening our way). There’s only one real problem. She is from Boston and maintains that she will not move away. I, however, am as southern as they come, but have found myself up in Boston for the past 6 years for grad school and now work and I don’t want to put down roots here.

This is a two-part issue. While I can deal with differences, and hell, I welcome them, I’m not sure I can handle a girl that 1. doesn’t want to live in the South (my hometown is Charleston, SC) 2. Doesn’t like watching football (especially SEC football). She doesn’t get it. She has no comprehension of what SEC football means to a southerner, whose family has been a part of an SEC program for three generations. She thinks Saturdays in the Fall should be spent hiking and camping outside. As you may can guess, this is my fucking nightmare. Being stranded in the woods with no TV or cell service to even check the scores and gamecast of any of the games is utter madness in my mind.

My question: Is this a deal breaker? Is it absurd to contemplate breaking up with her when both of our families are expecting us to get engaged sooner than later, over this? I can’t see myself being forced to shovel snow 5 months a year, while relegated to watch shitty Boston College games on local tv, or worse yet, spend my fall Saturdays camping the woods of New England when I could be in the Sunny South watching copious amounts of SEC football, and tailgating into my Golden Years.”

If your girlfriend is thirty and you’ve been dating four years, she’s bluffing. 

She will move to the South with you if you propose and have a good job there, I guarantee it. Now, if you were demanding that she move to Sudan or Uzbekistan, I might see her point, but you’re asking her to move to the South, a region that is adding millions of residents every year because it’s a great place to live. Does she even understand the quality of house you could get in Charleston as it compares to Boston?

Unless she has a job that’s impossible to replace elsewhere — is she the Governor, a Congressman, or a Senator? — then she’ll move.

My guess is she’s being a stereotypical Northerner and believes the South is backwards and redneck. Sure, there are parts of that here, but has she been to western Massachusetts? It’s the same. No region of the country, not even Alabama, has a monopoly on backwards living. She’d love many of the cities in the South, as much or more than she likes Boston. Take her to Nashville, it’s impossible she doesn’t love it. Plus, one winter away from Boston and she’ll wonder how she ever dealt with Northern winters.

But the bigger issue here is your girlfriend is thirty and single and has been dating you for four years. You think it would be tough for you to start over and find someone as good as her, but compared to her you’re golden. You have no biological time constraints to get your life started. Most of my guy friends didn’t have kids until after they were 34 or 35. Hell, a bunch of them still don’t have kids and don’t feel that much pressure to have them yet either. Your girlfriend wants kid(s) and she’s already invested four years in you. If you guys break up then she has to find some new guy, mold him into something she likes, determine that he’s a worthy life partner, marry him, and then get ready to have multiple kids with him. All with a ticking biological clock in her head. 

Right now she knows she can marry you within two years, have her first kid by 33, second by 35, and think about whether she wants a third at 37 or not. You, on the other hand, have barely even done the math in your head as to what age you might be when your kids are older.

One of my buddies just had a kid the other day, the kid is almost a year old, and he came to me recently and said, “You know what, I’m going to be 53 when my kid graduates high school. Can you believe that?” I was like, yeah, that’s how it works, you add 18 years to your age. Guys are clueless.  

Trust me, she’s bluffing about not leaving Boston.

As for camping, go in the spring.  

“I need your wise, gay, Muslim opinion on something that happened at the family Christmas gathering.

As the red wine drinker in a family of mostly white wine drinkers, I brought a bottle of one of my favorite reds to my parents house for the party. When people were deciding what they wanted to drink during the appetizers and gift opening, one of my cousins said she’d like a glass of the red wine, which I happily poured.

Later on, when we got to sitting down for dinner and we poured drinks again, same cousin requested another glass of the red. Again, I poured her a glass. I then noticed throughout dinner that her glass just sat there in front of her, and the wine level in the glass never got lower. By that, I mean she didn’t drink from it.

Fast forward to after people had left, and we were cleaning up. We had already dumped out the unconsumed glass from the dinner table, and I went into a room to find the glass I had poured for this cousin earlier in the day, and it was either unconsumed or very lightly consumed. So now we have basically 2 glasses of wine from the same person that went unconsumed.

I’m not trying to say that this was some expensive bottle of wine ($15-25 range, depending on where you buy it), but it’s good enough stuff for me to lament that 2 glasses of it got poured out.

So my question is this: who the hell asks for a drink, only to have it sit there and not drink it? I could understand tasting it and not liking it, but asking for another glass and not drinking that either? That kind of a crap move! Do people ask for drinks as props?

I’ve tried to think of possible reasons for this. Is she in some situation where she didn’t want to drink, but wanted to not display that she wasn’t drinking? I’m thinking pregnancy, rehab, or possibly hungover. Also leaving open the possibility that because she doesn’t get along with my mom and sister, she just decided that she’d pull some passive-aggressive move by making my mom pour out her wine.

I’m just lost at this awful display, and wondering if I need to find some cheap wine to bring to these sort of events. Thoughts?”

Hold up, the wine cost $15-25 and you’re wondering if you need to find some cheaper wine to bring next year? Is there a cheaper wine? At two glasses of unconsumed wine that cost you, at most, $5. Would you feel better if it had only cost you $3. 

I can understand you’d be upset about this if you’d just served a $4000 bottle of wine or you’d bought one of the bottles from Thomas Jefferson’s vineyard and just served it. 

But $5 of wine wasted at a holiday party? Dude, relax. 

Do you walk around parties lifting up bottles of beer to see whether they were adequately consumed too?

As you pointed out there are a bunch of decent reasons why she might not have consumed the glasses of wine. 

What if she’s pregnant and doesn’t want to tell everyone yet because it’s the first trimester? But she also doesn’t want everyone to notice that she’s not drinking and ask why she isn’t. So she gets two glasses of wine and doesn’t touch them figuring that no one will notice.  

Plus, what’s your recourse here? At the next family event if she asks for red wine, you can say, “Now, are you going to drink your glass of wine this time? Because last Christmas I poured you two glasses and you didn’t drink either.”

No one who hears that question is going to think you’re the normal one.

And even if isn’t true, I’d love to hear her say, “Yes, I’m drinking this year. Last year I wasn’t drinking because I was pregnant. But thankfully I had a miscarriage so this year I’ll be able to finish your $3 glass of wine. I’m in depression over my inability to get pregnant. So fill ‘er up!”  

“So yesterday I went to the dentist and at this visit it dawned on me that my hygienist is extremely good looking. I have been seeing her for several years but I have never noticed how attractive she is until now. She’s early 30’s, married and has green eyes like a goddess. Clay you wouldn’t believe these eyes. I actually enjoy going to the dentist twice a year just so I can get an opportunity to talk to her.

So my questions for you is this, how do I see this girl more often? Twice a year certainly is not enough but I need a valid reason to go back to the dentist. And what percentage of college students, like myself, visit a nurse or hygienist that they find attractive but are too afraid to try and interact with her?

I’m hoping you use all of your gay Muslim, liberal, racist, white privileged power to figure this out.”

What kind of interaction are you anticipating here? Are you thinking that if you play your cards right instead of using the air hose to suck up the water from your teeth she might blow you? That while she cleans your teeth with her right hand she might lean over and jerk you off with her left hand?

I hate to say it, but you’ve got no play here that isn’t incredibly creepy. If she were single you could ask her out. But she’s married and quite a bit older than you.

Plus, you’re in college. There are physically perfect 18-22 year sold single girls everywhere around you. Stop fantasizing about older married women and sleep with as many girls on campus as you can.

As for what percentage of men make decisions about how to spend their money based on either the proximity to attractive women or the potential proximity of attractive women? All of them. Every. Single. One.

And now if you’ll allow me I’m going to break the third wall of the anonymous mailbag and share a serious email I got last night. So if you don’t want to read a serious email you can bail now.

I like to think of everyone who reads Outkick as a big, lovable but eccentric family. We all have challenges and obstacles in our life and for the most part my goal here on Outkick and on social media is to make you laugh.

But occasionally reality intrudes. 

“Clay,

I hope you are doing well.  My friend committed suicide yesterday.  He was a huge fan of yours. He was a lawyer and an enormous history junky. He loved college football and especially our Gamecocks. I’m still in shock and speechless but I felt like reaching out to you. You had an impact on his life and I know he would have loved being mentioned in your mailbag.

I’m a lawyer also and he begged me to go to one of your CLEs. He attended one of yours and had a great time. As I’m sure you know, many states now require a yearly CLE that concentrates on substance abuse and depression. I’m hopeful that in your CLEs maybe you could address these issues and how there are other employment options for attorneys who feel “stuck” in this profession. I certainly don’t blame his suicide on his job, but I know from my own experience that you can feel handcuffed to your job.  It can feel like there’s no way out.

As a friend, I feel like a failure.  I only hope that my friend’s death can serve as a warning to others who are suffering from the same feelings he did.” 

Feeling depressed or suicidal isn’t normal and there’s nothing weak about reaching out for help. 

As guys I think sometimes we do a shitty job making that clear. It’s why we kill ourselves at so much higher rates than women do. If you or your friend needs help, get it for them. 

Big fan of OKTC here. I’m writing because I am at a serious impasse with my girlfriend. A little background, we have been dating for 4 years now. We both just turned 30. I love her, and she loves me, and everything you’d want in a wife is there (looks, brains, sex life,  ambition, think she’d be a great mom if/when that bend of life comes careening our way). There’s only one real problem. She is from Boston and maintains that she will not move away. I, however, am as southern as they come, but have found myself up in Boston for the past 6 years for grad school and now work and I don’t want to put down roots here.

This is a two-part issue. While I can deal with differences, and hell, I welcome them, I’m not sure I can handle a girl that 1. doesn’t want to live in the South (my hometown is Charleston, SC) 2. Doesn’t like watching football (especially SEC football). She doesn’t get it. She has no comprehension of what SEC football means to a southerner, whose family has been a part of an SEC program for three generations. She thinks Saturdays in the Fall should be spent hiking and camping outside. As you may can guess, this is my fucking nightmare. Being stranded in the woods with no TV or cell service to even check the scores and gamecast of any of the games is utter madness in my mind.

My question: Is this a deal breaker? Is it absurd to contemplate breaking up with her when both of our families are expecting us to get engaged sooner than later, over this? I can’t see myself being forced to shovel snow 5 months a year, while relegated to watch shitty Boston College games on local tv, or worse yet, spend my fall Saturdays camping the woods of New England when I could be in the Sunny South watching copious amounts of SEC football, and tailgating into my Golden Years.

Please Advise
Big fan of OKTC here. I’m writing because I am at a serious impasse with my girlfriend. A little background, we have been dating for 4 years now. We both just turned 30. I love her, and she loves me, and everything you’d want in a wife is there (looks, brains, sex life,  ambition, think she’d be a great mom if/when that bend of life comes careening our way). There’s only one real problem. She is from Boston and maintains that she will not move away. I, however, am as southern as they come, but have found myself up in Boston for the past 6 years for grad school and now work and I don’t want to put down roots here.

This is a two-part issue. While I can deal with differences, and hell, I welcome them, I’m not sure I can handle a girl that 1. doesn’t want to live in the South (my hometown is Charleston, SC) 2. Doesn’t like watching football (especially SEC football). She doesn’t get it. She has no comprehension of what SEC football means to a southerner, whose family has been a part of an SEC program for three generations. She thinks Saturdays in the Fall should be spent hiking and camping outside. As you may can guess, this is my fucking nightmare. Being stranded in the woods with no TV or cell service to even check the scores and gamecast of any of the games is utter madness in my mind.

My question: Is this a deal breaker? Is it absurd to contemplate breaking up with her when both of our families are expecting us to get engaged sooner than later, over this? I can’t see myself being forced to shovel snow 5 months a year, while relegated to watch shitty Boston College games on local tv, or worse yet, spend my fall Saturdays camping the woods of New England when I could be in the Sunny South watching copious amounts of SEC football, and tailgating into my Golden Years.

Please Advise

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.