Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday. 

As always remember that you can email your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com. 

Remember that Outkick the Show is now off and running at 12 eastern every day. Our guest today is Matt Leinart. Yesterday we spent most of the show talking with Laura Rutledge about the Miss Universe mess. It’s pretty outstanding. Listen along here if you need more time to pretend to work:

On with the anonymous mailbag. 

“So with friends and family coming over for the holidays and some staying in my house how do I convince my wife it is OK for a quickie even if her mom and dad are in the next room over?”

When parents come stay in the house it’s like wives turn into 16 year olds trying to pretend they’re still virgins all over again. It’s as if you need to have a pep talk with your wife: “Hello, we’re married and we have kids, your parents know you have sex. And this is our house! The reason I bought this house was so you’d have sex with me inside it.” (Would any man buy a house or condo if he was guaranteed to never have sex inside it? You’d have one loser friend trying to justify his decision: “Come on, guys, I get the mortgage tax deduction, that’s better than sex.”)  

As if being a married man and never having sex wasn’t already bad enough, when her parents come to town for the holidays — good luck.

If you share a wall, she’s worried about them hearing you have sex. So try to persuade her to just give you a blow jo—- ha ha ha, or have sex in the shower — ha ha ha.

She probably won’t do it, but you can try. I wish I had better advice, but her parents visiting typically means no sex.  

I’m convinced this is why every house now has a master bedroom on the first floor, just so husbands have some tiny chance to convince their wives to have sex with them when her parents visit. 

“Hi Clay,

I began reading your column when you and your wife posted about your trip to Florida. Hysterical. I continued reading because your Twitter account is often the subject of conversation with my husband.

Recently, there’s been a common theme with the mailbag: dick pics and good/bad dick days. Having never received a dick pic and my husband never having sent one we began a debate that revolved around the mailbag. Here’s our questions:

1. What constitutes a good dick pic? (I imagine it involves some amount of manscaping.)
2. Do guys send limp dick pics? (Surely not, right?)
3. How much prep time goes into sending a good dick pic?

I can’t imagine that getting a dick pic would turn a woman on like it would a guy receiving a boob pic. With that being said, are dick pics even necessary?

Congratulations on getting me to say “dick pic” more times than I ever cared to.”

I think a “good dick pic” is really just a dick that looks big. No guy wants to send a little dick pic. That is, by definition, a bad dick pic.

I mean, you could have the greatest manscaping on earth — with like Christmas poinsettias and candy canes carved into your pubic hair for Christmas — and it wouldn’t cancel out the bad dick. So if you have a little dick I think you have to CGI that bitch, treat it like women do their Facebook or Tinder profile pictures. There is no woman on earth with a bad Facebook or Tinder profile pic. Every woman looks like she’s a ten on there. Well, every dude’s dick pic should look at least eight inches. 

I can’t imagine anyone sends limp dick pics unless you go with the Justin Bieber. See, Bieber went strategic limp dick and got his picture taken just after sex. His dick still had the post-coital limp dick blood flow glow and it looked really big. Guys know exactly what I’m talking about, girls are just now learning about good dick days and bad dick days so they were agog over the Bieber dick. I think there’s a 100% chance that the Bieber dick pic was staged. Because the only way a normal guy is getting his limp dick photographed is if it’s immediately after sex. 

Right after we had sex the other day — and by “the other day” I mean two months ago, after all, I’m married — I was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror naked, looking at my dick in the mirror, and my wife walked by and said, “You’re thinking about Bieber’s dick pic aren’t you?”

Total mind reader.

I was actually thinking, “This is the perfect time to get a dick pic taken.”

I was also thinking I could definitely be the Annie Leibovitz of celebrity dick pics.

I’m already in the website, pants, shirts, quadcast, TV, and more business. I need to add celebrity dick photographer to my Outkick resume. I could double up charges by being a celebrity dick pic consultant. Charge like $1000 an hour to talk about how to get your dick in the best light, make sure of time of day, circumstances. I want your dick to be your best dick. Is that really too much to ask?   

“I’m engaged to an amazing girl and we’re getting married next year. She’s everything I’d ever want in a girl. However, for a few reasons her and I have been fighting more and more recently. So I’m a little confused about what it all means. On top of that, I’ve kinda started having feelings for a girl from work. This girl is also engaged and happens to be an amazing girl as well. Her and I both have started hanging out after work a few times and can’t go more than a few hours without speaking (nights and weekends included). The chemistry is through the roof. We haven’t hooked up or anything…yet. Her and I both are struggling with this because we want to do it so bad and make that bad decision. We’ve both never cheated on our significant others before so this is out of character.

This leads me to my question..we’ve talked about doing it one time to get rid of the sexual tension and then just move on from there – talking less and not seeing each other outside of work.

I think this might solve the issue and help me see more clearly with my own fiancée. I want to do it. The coworker is nervous and doesn’t know if we should it.

What’s your advice? Should it happen? Will this get it out of both our systems before we both walk down the aisle? Are we nuts? If we don’t do it, what’s your advice?”

Look, if both of you want to bang somebody else bad enough to cheat on your fiancees before the wedding, neither of you should get married. 

You’re just not ready. So let me put it in all caps and add an exclamation point:

DON’T GET MARRIED!

Every married man wants to sleep with other women with no strings attached — it’s true, ladies, your husband is lying when he says he doesn’t to you right now after you just asked him about it — but if you’re already far enough along that you’re contemplating cheating on your fiancee, then she’s not the right one for you. 

And the, “let’s do it once to get it out of our system,” theory is the dumbest/smartest idea ever if your goal is to keep having sex again and again. Are you a 17 year old virgin dry humping about to suggest just the tip too? Brilliant stragetic move.

Let me say it again: DON’T GET MARRIED. 

“I need your help oh gay Muslim. I have been laying here listening to my wife snore for 2 hours now. It has given me a migraine, pissed me off and I’m starting to think “could I really strangle someone?”

My wife falls asleep as soon as she lays down, me on the other hand could take a mouthful of Ambien and just lay here and stare at myself on the ceiling (you know what that’s about). Honestly I have a difficult time falling asleep for as far back as I can remember. If by chance I fall asleep before my wife I’m ok and the snoring doesn’t bother me but those night are so few and far between it basically never happens. I usually give her a couple nudges and try wake her up in hopes I can doze off before she starts back. After a few nudges fail I move on to the loud coughs, constant moving around and banging things as loud as possible. When those things fail I usually end up waking her up and making her go sleep with one of the kids. This happens multiple times per week and has gotten to the point that I’m a complete asshole around bedtime. Usually after 3-4 nights of this in a row I plan an overnight work trip just to sleep in peace.

I love my wife and think it’s crazy to ruin 13 years of marriage but this is driving me insane. Her wearing a cpap at night is not my idea of spicing up wrestling with socks on. Please help me word this properly to avoid getting punched and divorced all at once. How do I let her know this is a legit problem for me and I’m not just playing about her snoring. Second, if she doesn’t get this corrected how can I use this to get out of paying alimony. Surely I can use this as some form of torture she has subjected me to or spousal abuse of some kind.”

Instead of blaming her and making her go sleep with the kids — she really should see a doctor if she snores this bad at a relatively young age, that suggests deeper issues — why don’t you just move to a new bed?

Explain to her why you’re doing it. It might well spur her to actually get her snoring checked out. If she’s snoring this badly there’s a decent chance her sleep isn’t as efficient as it should be. 

Go to bed with her — after all, you can’t attempt to sleep with your wife without at least going to bed at the same time as her — and then once she falls asleep, you move to a different bed. 

Voila, problem solved.

“Dear Radical Moderate Gay Muslim,

I’m 25 and have a good job. I met a girl a little over a month ago and have been out with her a few times since. She’s really attractive and seems to have a good personality to match. A few days after we met, I added her on Facebook (I think that’s a respectable time to wait?) and she never accepted the friend request which seemed odd. Her profile was set to complete privacy. Skip ahead to last week: we’re having a conversation and she casually drops that she has a 2 year old daughter on me.

I didn’t know what to do at first so I just nonchalantly continued with the flow of the conversation like it was no big deal. My dilemma is I have no f**king clue what to do. I feel like I’m not ready to have that kind of responsibility, and I’m sure she is looking for serious candidates only. I really enjoy going out with her though and would feel like a total jerk if I broke things off due to that. I’d like to keep seeing her, but I’m sure that also means i would eventually become a part of the kid’s life too. Plus I’ve heard of nightmares where the father is still involved and it becomes a pain; I don’t know all of those current circumstances. Should I have a conversation with her and voice all concerns? I feel like if she was willing to bring it up, she’d be willing to have a discussion. Only a father of 3 kids that are not his own due to him being gay could provide the solution to this.”

What if her husband died in a car accident just after the baby was born? Or of cancer? Or was killed in the military? Or what if it was a one night stand and she doesn’t believe in abortion and decided to keep the baby even though she has no relationship with the father?

I bring all of these examples up just to point out that you know very little about her life. The fact that she didn’t add you as a Facebook friend proves she’s pretty smart — she wants to tell you about herself on her own terms and doesn’t want to bring anyone close to her home life until she’s sure the guy can handle it. She dropped the kid into the conversation because she probably hoped you would ask more questions about it, but she also didn’t want to sit you down and have a SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT HER CHILD.  

If you like her, then she has a kid. That’s part of the deal. If you can’t handle that, then just tell her. She’s got more important things to worry about than a 25 year old guy’s insecurities about her home life. I’m sure you won’t be the first or last guy to feel the same way. Just be honest with her.  

Because if you’re not honest with her, her psycho baby daddy — who also runs the local city’s meth trade and has killed 18 men with a machete — will definitely murder you for sleeping with her. 

“Since Christmas is almost here this has been an issue in my home for the past few weeks. Once again I didn’t pony up the time or the money to pay some fancy photographer to get family pictures done so we can send them out to all our friends so they can see how “perfect” our little family is represented on this Christmas card. The tough part comes every day after the mailman drops off the mail and we get another card or three from all our friends and my wife starts to lay on the guilt look or the “I told you so.”

I kept telling her to grab some photos off her phone, facebook, instagram, etc and make a picture collage Christmas card to send out to everyone. I know she has a couple thousand photos on her phone from the last year that would work just fine, but she wants to shell out a couple hundred dollars or more on a photographer that will get the perfect picture that isn’t captured somewhere in her phone already.

I started looking at a bunch of the Christmas cards we have received so far and it looks like a bunch of our friends have done just what I described above.

So my real question is with the internet and social media websites where we can see pictures of all of our friends and family at any time, is there really still a need for these Christmas cards? Can we finally stop the madness of paying for a photographer, getting the cards made and the stamps to send these out to everyone, when they can just look us up whenever they feel like it? I would rather take the money for all of this and use it to take my family to see Star Wars a few times.”

I just went and looked at all the Christmas cards hanging up in our house. A small minority of them look like actual professional photographs. None of our pictures are professional. I don’t understand why you guys can’t compromise and use some of the photos you took over the course of the year to make your family Christmas card.

Because every woman, especially in the South, wants to send out Christmas cards with family pictures. 

My wife treats the Christmas card mailing list like it’s a secret list of CIA agents. She’s constantly updating it and refining it and I have no idea where she stores it. Her computer crashed the other day and it was like “Homeland,” “ALL OF MY CHRISTMAS CARD ADDRESSES ARE ON THERE.”

Whenever the cards arrive there’s an assembly line in my house to send the cards out. This is when she puts her graduate degree to work. She’s always asking me to text people for their addresses or asking me if people moved to new houses. Like I have any fucking idea. I can barely keep track of my own address. (I’ll also get texts from other guys too, asking for our address so I know it’s not just my wife who does this.)

And inevitably things go awry. Nothing ever goes perfect with the goddamn Christmas cards. 

When we were testing Outkick the Show recently my wife starts loudly printing off something on the printer beside my desk and then she comes stomping up the stairs — my wife weighs 105 pounds and her footfalls when she’s mad are like Shaq’s — I’m thinking, “Uh oh, what did I do this time?”

So she stomps over to the Christmas card list and looks down and she’s like, “The labels! Of course! They’re all wrong!” And based on her reaction you would have thought we just got news that all three of our kids have lice. 

The best thing about Christmas cards is my wife used to bitch all the time about pictures on Christmas cards and then the moment we had a kid we started sending out pictures to everyone. It was like a switch in her mind just got triggered and she didn’t even remember all of her prior criticisms.

If you don’t have kids sending out Christmas cards with pictures doesn’t make much sense — “Oh, hey, here we are, we’re married and look just like we did on Facebook.” (There’s a clear exception for funny cards. For instance, if I were a single guy living with roommates or by myself with a cat or dog, I would clearly make a funny card and send it out to everyone in the hopes that said card might make it more likely that a girl would sleep with me. I might even steal somebody else’s kid and dress him up funny and put him on my card. I’d have no shame. “Yeah, that’s my niece, she’s so cute. I love kids. Do you like anal?”)

I think every young married guy with a hot wife’s Christmas card, if you have to send one with a picture, should just be him standing giving the thumb’s up and underneath the picture it should say, “Yep, I’m banging this, Merry Christmas!” If you add a Bible verse underneath that inscription, you win Christmas. It’s what Jesus would do.  

“My wife asked for a very specific, very expensive purse for Christmas. I get to the store, and the saleswoman (early 20s, very cute) must have seen me coming from a mile away. She hooked me into the “if you spend another $100, you save $125″ spiel. Of course nothing is exactly $100, so I end up spending much more than I intended on the matching wallet and some perfume – items I’m sure she’d like but didn’t exactly ask for. So do I gift them to her now, or do I hold out for a rainy day/mea culpa/oops I forgot your birthday situation? Thanks for the insight and the laughs, your the man!”

Save the presents for a later date.

Inevitably you’re going to screw up big time — perhaps it will be when your wife sees your credit card statement and says, “You spent $3k on Clay Travis dick consultant this month!” — and you’ll need all the help you can get. 

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and thanks for supporting Outkick this year. 

The anonymous mailbag, as always, relies on your emails. Send them to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.