Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday so time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can email your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity assured. 

With that in mind, here we go:

“You are highly creative and have offered great solutions to the masses on numerous subjects. I need your help.

I’m a Bama fan and my sister in law is getting married on 12/31. The Bama game is at 2 and I have to be there 3-6:30. Impeccable timing. It’s worth noting I hate interruptions during a big game, therefore I do not plan on listening or live streaming.

My current plan is to record the game, tell those I trust to not say a word, use noise cancelling earplugs and leave immediately after the wedding. I’m not worried about coming off rude because I will have seen everyone at Christmas a week prior.

With numerous Alabama and Auburn fans there, can I pull this off? Do you have a better idea? I’ve also considered purposefully contracting some type of illness but that’s last resort. If you can help me, I take back all the times I’ve said “your gay.”

Okay, I think you watch the first 45 minutes or so of the game live. (It depends on how long it takes you to get there to exactly how far you can press it.) If you want to push the total viewing time to the absolute maximum, you could even get a hotel room as close as possible to the wedding destination and watch the game for a full hour.  

That way you have a good sense for how it started. Hell, Bama could be up by a couple of touchdowns within that first 45 minutes and you’ll probably get to see the entire first quarter live. If you can push the viewing to an entire hour you’ll get to see a drive or two in the second quarter too. 

Then you can hope to wait and not hear the outcome, but if this wedding is in the South everyone is going to be paying attention to the game on their phones and talking about it. I think it’s virtually impossible for you not to know what the outcome is.

Moreover, aren’t you kind of being an obsessive asshole by not allowing people to discuss the game around you? I get that you really care, but earplugs? It’s your sister’s wedding, doesn’t she have a hot friend you can try to bang? I’d watch as much of the game as I can, DVR the rest, and follow the game on my phone. You can stream it live from your freaking iPhone. You aren’t calling plays here. 

Plus, I think the minister who is marrying them should give a score update to the crowd. I would. Are you going to freak out and lose your mind if this happens? If so, that’s pretty weird of you.

I think your best case scenario here is that you watch for a full hour, hope that Bama is winning when you leave, and then go home and catch up later, potentially having had the result spoiled for you in some way during the three and a half hours that the wedding event is taking place.

#dbap

Also, does your sister hate you? Wasn’t it eminently foreseeable that Bama might well be playing on this date? 

“With Christmas coming up and all your readers expecting sex coupon books I thought I would put this out as a warning and educational experience.

My wife and I were drinking on the patio of our condo November 18th, the Friday night before Thanksgiving week.

We were both pretty lit, we went to bed around 2 AM and she was “ready to go.” We were doing it with her on top. “Sex coupon time” for some guys. She pulled up and went back down wrong.

Didn’t go in, hit between the entrance and the thigh

I heard a sickening SNAP! INSTANT loss of hard-on. 

I woke up the next day, and went to work. At 8AM my dick was bruised. By 2 PM it was as big as an eggplant and the same color,
I had to go to the ER around 6 PM. At 9 AM the next day I was in surgery.

It’s now December 20th, I’m still in pain. Waiting for stitches to heal.

All guys should know this. Penile Fracture. You have 72 hours before it needs to be fixed. You’re not going to feel the surgery, trust me. You will feel the stitches for a month and a half.

Careful with your coupon books gentleman!”

A penis fracture has to be the worst possible injury that doesn’t lead to dismemberment, blindness, or loss of mobility. 

But it’s got me wondering, what would have happened to you if you didn’t live in the modern era and couldn’t have surgery for to fix your penis? Like did Roman men die of penile fractures? Or did you have a totally normal penis and then one wrong thrust and next thing you know your penis is permanently broken and you die an agonizing broken penis death?

To be honest, I’m terrified of this injury now. So I went and read about penile fractures on Wikipedia. 

And I’ve found the new freakiest sex act imaginable.

“The practice of taqaandan (also taghaandan) also puts men at risk of penile fracture. Taqaandan, which comes from a Kurdish word meaning “to click”, involves bending the top part of the erect penis while holding the lower part of the shaft in place, until a click is heard and felt. Taqaandan is said to be painless and has been compared to cracking one’s knuckles, but the practice of taqaandan has led to an increase in the prevalence of penile fractures in western Iran.”

What. The. Fuck. 

If we ever go to war with Iran, no way I’m fighting these Iranian dudes in hand-to-hand combat. Dudes in Iran are just cracking their dicks for fun. That’s exactly how I would have started the nuclear disarmament negotiations if I was secretary of state.

I would have walked in and said, “Wait a minute, do any of you dudes in here crack your dicks for fun? And you expect me to work with you savages?”

Bang.

Either next thing you know me and the Iranian dudes are drinking ourselves silly and hammering out a deal or the negotiations are off.

I would have saved like six months of everyone’s lives.  

Also, how about the fact that some dude sued his ex-girlfriend alleging that she broke his penis during sex? And lost the case. So she broke your dick and broke your bank account.

Cold blooded.  

“I grew up in a household where consuming any amount of alcohol was considered a sin thanks to the legalistic church setting in which I was raised. So I didn’t drink any alcohol all throughout high school and even into the first few years of college. Since then, I’ve graduated, (somehow) gotten married, moved to a major metropolitan city and learned to drink like your average 28-year-old. So my question: When I go back home for the holidays with my wife, do we A) pretend like we still don’t drink, like we have for the last eight years or B) drink a beer if the opportunity presents itself? I don’t think a Budweiser at a restaurant is worth starting a big family argument, but it feels so strange to continue to hide it as adults. Thoughts/advice welcome!”

If I knew that drinking a beer would start a big family argument, I’d probably refrain from drinking alcohol at family events.

Why would I do that?

Because drinking alcohol isn’t so important to me that I absolutely, positively have to have a drink at any particular meal. So why create the fight by making it blatant? It just seems like you’re trying hard to make a point by ordering a beer at a family dinner at Applebee’s.

HELLO, I’M AN ADULT AND I LIKE BEER!

I’d feel differently if you were hiding a significant part of your life from your family. It’s not like drinking alcohol is integral to your self actualization. But if, for instance, you were gay and pretending to be straight to avoid family conflict, I would counsel honesty. But drinking alcohol? Even if, as may be the case here, your family is part of the reason you drink, just doesn’t seem worth it to me.

Having said that, I wouldn’t go so far as to remove all alcohol from your home when your parents come over, that’s too much. And if you want to have a beer in your own home while your parents are there — and you would regularly do it otherwise — that’s more acceptable.

If your parents are willing to fight with you over drinking beer in your own home as a grown man, that’s really strange behavior by them and you’re going to have to have that fight at some point in time.

“You may have discussed this on a previous mailbag, I started reading this year but if you haven’t I would like your opinion on the matter.

What’s your opinion on living with a significant other before marriage? My situation is that I’m 26 years old and have dated my girlfriend for over 2 years. I currently live with a buddy from high school and enjoy that, but the girlfriend just completed her first semester of Physical Therapy school, and loans are already stacking up. I offered to move in with her since the plan is to marry this girl once she graduates from PT school. If I move in with her now, in the long term it will be good since I’ll be helping her with rent, now and she wouldn’t be paying for it all on her own from mostly loans. 

Here’s the kicker, when she brought it up to her parents about me living with her, they freaked out. Her dad threatened to not pay for her wedding (he’s made this threat in the past, apparently, about other situations) which is a big deal. Their parents love me, but they are pretty strict when it comes to things like this. She’s not too concerned about it seeing as she is completely independent from them financially. What’s the play here? Do I move in with her anyways? Her dad making that threat freaks me out a bit.”

I think everyone should live with their significant other before marriage. 

Much of marriage isn’t that glamorous, it’s about figuring out whether or not you’re compatible with someone on a day to day basis. So I support living together before marriage. 

As for the dad’s reaction, does he think his daughter is a virgin saving herself for marriage? If so, oops. If not, what’s his position based upon? It’s a totally antiquated notion that a couple shouldn’t live together before marriage. Especially in the modern era when housing is so expensive in many cities and people wait longer to marry. Further, it’s an asshole move by him to threaten not to pay for his daughter’s marriage to bully her into living by his values. That’s him attempting to exert control over his grown children. She’s independent now and can call him on his bluff. Good for her.

What’s more, if this dad is trying to control your living situation then at some point he’ll probably try and control other things in your life too. The two of you have to establish your independence at some point. It sounds like your girlfriend is willing to do so now; I’d suggest joining her and not worrying about what her dad thinks.   

“Clay,

I get incredibly nervous when I speak in public. Now, this isn’t just in front of a big crowd either. It’s speaking to a group of 5 coworkers, it’s saying my name and title during a new business meeting, it’s all the damn time. I take Xanax (which was prescribed for flying) to help dull the nerves but they are still there. I have also taken enough Xanax (in the grand scheme not a lot – like .5mg) that I don’t remember what was said during the meeting. I’ve always had nerves when speaking in public but not like this.

I can’t fully confide in my wife because she’ll lose confidence in me as I’m the sole breadwinner. I can’t tell coworkers for the same confidence reasoning. I am unlikely to get out of my line of work because I’m considered one of the top in my field and I make great money for my age (over $200k a year at 33). I’ve got 3 kids to support too. Can’t give it up.

Did you ever get stage fright like this? How do you deal with being in the spotlight all the time?

Thanks a bunch and Butch Jones needs to be fired.”

First, public speaking is an incredibly common fear. So your situation isn’t unique. Second, I think everyone gets nervous the first few times they speak in front of a large crowd. I remember being incredibly nervous when I would get up to speak to the entire high school, for instance.

The first several times I did TV I was also very nervous. I’m not now, but I suspect that’s because I’ve done it so many times now. 

So your fear is perfectly normal.

Why are so many people nervous or scared to speak in public?

I suspect this fear is typically motivated by the idea that everyone is judging you and you’re afraid of humiliating yourself and finding out that they don’t like you. (Standing out from the herd, from a biological perspective, is high risk and high reward. It’s much safer to never be noticed.) But I think you can calm yourself down by logically thinking through the process — what’s the worst that can happen in your meeting or your public speaking endeavor? If you think of the worst thing that might happen — realize that this isn’t that bad and won’t happen — and then work yourself back to what’s likely to happen in the meeting it often works as a calming influence.

Brutal honesty is also incredibly endearing. So if you start off your talk by simply saying, “Guys, I get really nervous when I have to talk in public. I know it’s dumb, but we all have something we wish we could change about ourselves and this is mine. So bear with me here, I’m working to get better at this.”

Once you’re honest, it’s human nature for people to root for you.  

My second piece of advice for you would be to find a group of people that don’t intimidate you and regularly talk with them. For instance, are you nervous speaking at your dinner table with family? Does speaking to your wife and children make you nervous? If not, consider why that is.  

Finally, I’d rehearse what you’re going to say beforehand. Preparation is likely to help lower your anxiety. 

Good luck. 

“I beg to differ on your reply to the guy about his wife not liking him going down on her. Let me tell you as a guy who became somewhat of a master of faking orgasms, guys do it just as great as women. What’s great about it is, even the women don’t know you’re faking if you’re good at it. Hell, my fiancée knows when we were together the first time that I faked it but she has no clue that I’ve done it since we’ve gotten back together.

Now let me explain why you fake it. At some point all guys have been so pissy drunk and know there is no way in hell they are getting theirs. Bam, fake it, also as a guy I can admit that there are times when I’m just not into it, completely sober. We can never judge how women will react to you saying “hey, I’m just not into it.” They’d probably get pissed and you don’t want to hear what they have to say. So…….fake it. My old trick was to just build up spit, pull out like I’m going to go and spit it in my hand. Then just wipe it on their leg and say, look what you’ve done. The lights are off, they’ll never know.”

I’d rather shoot myself in the head than ever fake an orgasm. 

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

And try not to break your dicks over the holidays.