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Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

Outkick the Show officially debuted yesterday on Facebook, Periscope, Fox Sports Go and YouTube. And we are now available on podcast as well where we hit the number one sports podcast in the country this morning. So I’m hopeful you guys will check us out. 

This morning we’re going to do live anonymous mailbag answers to begin the show. So if you like the anonymous mailbag you’ll probably love the show. 

It airs live at 12 et, 11 ct, 10 mt, and 9 pt. 

Here is yesterday’s show on SoundCloud. Thanks to SEC commissioner Greg Sankey for stopping by as our first guest. 

On to the mailbag. 

“So last week I went to the dermatologist for a full body skin cancer check. I skipped down to my boxers, and as the cute doctor is inspecting my legs, she asks if I want her to inspect my genitals. I was completely caught off guard, and since I don’t hit any nude beaches, I said there was no reason for her to look at my penis.

2 questions – 1. is this normal? I had no idea that she’d inspect my junk for skin cancer. 2. Did I screw up by not letting her take a look? If I had known she’d take a peak, I might’ve fluffed it up and granted her permission. Why not let a cute girl check out my member? I know this situation is hard for you to understand – since you’re a gay muslim – so just pretend the doctor is a handsome young man and let me know if I messed up.”

I’m no expert on dermatology, but i’m going to go out on a limb and say that the hot doctor wasn’t so overcome by desire that she wanted to check out your dick for her own enjoyment.

As to whether to let her check out your penis, I think it all comes down to one question: were you having a good dick day or a bad dick day?

Only you know for sure.  

“Clay- I have a serious dilemma on my hands and thought maybe you could help…

About a year ago I talked my wife into a set schedule for weekly sex-twice to be exact. She works a few nights a week and has Tuesday off, so I sold her on the idea that we do it Tuesday and Saturday night, being that she works late on Wednesday and is off on Sunday. I also will add that theSaturday night nookie is almost always accompanied by a bj, and we usually hang outside on our lanai, have some adult beverages and loosen up for a good time. Also, this set schedule does not preclude me from a random quickie any day outside of the guaranteed days (doesn’t happen very often). So I could possibly end up scoring three times during the week.

So here’s the question, am I selling myself short? Could I get it twice a week anyways, and maybe even go for three on a more regular basis if I were to do away with the guaranteed sex? After we had our first child, she really came of age in the bed if you know what I mean.

What is the over under for a married couple with kids for weekly sex?

If I pull the plug on the guaranteed stuff and then flame out, she would most certainly not give it back-she is as stubborn as can be and would hold out just to shove it in my face.

So many questions, so few answers. What say you?”

If you’re married with a young kid(s) and get guaranteed sex twice a week, I don’t think you mess with this. My guess is that’s above average. Especially if you toss in both couples working and combine it with young kids. Moreover, I think scheduled sex is even better because you can look forward to it and know it’s coming. Most married men with young kids are in my boat, you just try and find yourself in bed with your wife before she passes out at night. Lots of times I don’t even go to sleep at the same time as my wife, but I just get in bed with her because being in bed at the same time as your wife is half the sex battle. If she won’t sleep with me, I take my defeat in stride — I’m the Washington Generals of rejected marital sex — and go watch “Homeland” or “MTV’s The Challenge” on the DVR.

I’m sure some people — not married men with young children — will say sex twice a week when you know when to expect it is a bad move, but I completely disagree. Knowing that you have sex on both these nights is like waiting for a great TV show to come on. You can look forward to it all the time. It’s like “Game of Thrones” every Sunday night. I get giddy just thinking about this show being on. The anticipation is the best part.

Now imagine if you combined Game of Thrones with sex.

In fact, could we cut down the divorce rate to zero for 13 weeks if every wife agreed to sleep with her husband right after “Game of Thrones” aired starting in April?

Are you telling me every married man wouldn’t be walking on air for 13 straight weeks. “Game of Thrones” and sex! Guaranteed.

I should be a marital counselor.

Not to brag, but I think I could make the divorce rate zero.

“My best friend was doing some home repair when he had an accident. While using a crow bar over his head on the stair case ceiling, it slipped and busted him square in the face. Once he got to a mirror he realized that he needed medical attention. His first thoughts were, go to the ER or go to a walk in clinic. While he didn’t want to pay heavily to go to an ER, he didn’t want to have his face stitched up at the walk in clinic either.

His wife was out of town, so like a good husband, he called her for advice. Her female doctor and good friend is married to a plastic surgeon. Well, wife makes the call and the plastic surgeon is out of town. However this female doctor suggests that she can repair my friends face. The only catch is that my friend would have to go to the gynecologist office for the work to be done.

My friend heads to the gynecologist. He checks in, waits with all the other female patients in the lobby and has his name called to be seen. After 10 stitches, he leaves toting a small medical bill and paperwork from the gynecologist’s office. He seems perfectly fine with this. What man is able to sit there and accept that he is being seen by a gynecologist. Turns out, she has stitched up some of the most delicate of skin tissues known to mankind and his face was business as usual for the doctor.

How does this relate to any other humiliating doctor experience that is out there? What lengths will we go to to take our wives’ advice? I would have said ok, but I’m headed to the ER. Thoughts?”

I’d have been perfectly fine with the gynecologist stitching me up. Hell, I would go to whichever doctor was competent and fast. If he could do stitches I’d go to a chiropractor or podiatrist and I’m pretty sure those guys aren’t even doctors. Forget the cost, have you ever had to wait in the ER to see a doctor? It’s awful.

Plus, those women at the gynecologist could all see your buddy needed stitches, right? I’m sure it was weirder for them. Plus, who ever asks why you’re waiting in the doctor’s office. I went for a vasectomy consultation recently — my wife’s idea — and I’ve never seen a sadder group of men in my life. This was the worst waiting room ever. No one made eye contact. It was like the Detroit Lions locker room after the 0-16 season.

I’m not sure there’s any place worse — short of hospice — than the voluntary trip to the dick doctor.

Anyway, if your buddy was worried about being judged in the gynecologist’s office he could have just told everyone who looked at him for too long, “I’m transitioning.”

According to ESPN that would have made him a hero. 

“Clay, love the mailbag. Best thing on the internet by far. I graduated from an SEC school and a few months ago I proposed to my girlfriend. She’s an absolute dime. All my friends have said I outkicked my coverage. The only slight problem I have is that she’s not big on giving blow jobs. Don’t get me wrong, she gives me a bj or two every now and then because she loves me, but most of the time when she does give me one, it’s because I bought her some nice stuff or helped her do something I really didn’t want to do.

So I guess my question is kind of two-part:

1. Is there any possible way I could get her to be more excited about giving me a blow job? She’s pretty decent at giving them but I know they would be so much better if she got a little more enthusiastic about it.

2. All my friends have assured me that once we get married, the blow jobs will all but cease to exist. Being a married man, is this true? I need some clarity from the all-knowing gay muslim.”

“Do you know why the bride smiles when she walks down the aisle?

Because she’s given her last blow job.”

This is the best old man joke out there. I’ve heard it at countless weddings.

And it’s pretty much true.

No man will ever receive more blow jobs after he’s married than he received before he got married. (Inevitably someone will email in and be like, “My wife blows me 38 times a week.” Yeah, fuck you, buddy. You married a blow job unicorn. For the rest of us, good luck.)

By the way, I love the youthful honesty of this email, “… but most of the time when she does give me one, it’s because I bought her some nice stuff or helped her do something I really didn’t want to do.”

It’s just so perfectly written from the perspective of a single man about to be married that it makes me wince from nostalgia.

Welcome to the rest of your life, buddy.

“So we have a hot girl coworker “calendar” we’ve created on paper, with the hottest girl in January, next hottest in February, etc.

It’s a daily conversation piece amongst my male coworkers and leads to much heated debate and even a punch was thrown one time after a few IPAs. Basically, it’s 2 hours of daily “billable” time.

Just curious if any female coworkers in the history of the world has EVER considered or discussed the possibility of a male coworker calender?

My bet is 0% but wanted to run this by the guru.”

Don’t you know how sexist it is to rank women based on attractiveness? All women are equally beautiful, bro. It’s so sexist of your penis to react to what women look like. (Should I do one mailbag answering all the questions as a PC bro? This seems like it could be quite a bit of fun).

Men constantly rank women. A friend of mine said that every time he was in an enclosed space with a group — elevator, subway car, new classroom — he would rank the women based on who he would have sex with if he had to repopulate the earth.

I’m 36 and I can still vividly remember how much time I spent in every 7th-12th grade classroom debating which girl I would sleep with if suddenly we had, for instance, a pre-algebra orgy and everyone had to pick a partner.

My presumption is rankings are much less common for women, but I would say that some women do this too. (Probably the same women who read the mailbag). I’d go with men are 10 times as likely to do it as women. Also, women wouldn’t obsess over the rankings like men do and, most definitely, none are getting in fist fights over their made up rankings. (The fist fight over the made up office hotness rankings is such a perfect male story it hurts.)

“I have a question for the Great Clay Travis: My father and grandfather both played football at a certain SEC school, as did I. My wife was a cheerleader and my two oldest children also played at this school. Now my youngest is a cheerleader and will be cheering in an upcoming bowl game.

My wife wants the entire family to go to the game and wear their jerseys from college. (Sort of a surprise for my daughter.) Normally I am against grown men wearing jerseys but in this case is it ok? My jersey doesn’t have my last name on the back just my number. Will I look stupid to people who don’t know me? P.S. yes my wife can still wear her old cheerleader outfit and yes she is planning to wear it. p.s. Please don’t use my name as my daughter reads your site.”

So you think your cheerleader daughter isn’t going to be able to piece together which person with two kids who played football for the same team his father and grandfather played for and married a cheerleader is?

I’m thinking that’s a small list.

Having said that, your wife wearing her cheerleader outfit is by far the weirdest element of this story. (More power to her, by the way, if she had three kids, all of whom are 20 or older, and can still wear her college cheerleading uniform? You’ve done well. Is your daughter single? Great bloodlines there.) Anyway, no one will notice you wearing a jersey if you’re with a 50 year old woman in a cheerleading uniform.

Also, I’m anti grown men wearing other people’s jerseys. You can wear your own.

“I’ve been reading your site since Mizzou went to the SEC and while I enjoy your work I really don’t find any of it all that controversial. So why do you get so much hate mail? I mean this in the least shitty way ever, but are southern football fans just exceptionally stupid?”

I don’t think I’m that controversial either. Nothing I write or say seems remotely controversial to me.

So I think it’s probably fair to say that many southern football fans are, in fact, exceptionally stupid.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com. Anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is an author, radio show host, lawyer, TV analyst, and the founder and lead writer of Outkick (formerly known as Outkick the Coverage).
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