Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

I’m writing the anonymous mailbag and about to hop into my car to drive to Birmingham for Outkick’s three hour CLE at Good People Brewery in downtown Birmingham. So if you’re reading this right now and need CLE hours, come hang with us in Birmingham today. You can just show up and register in person too.

We will also be in downtown Nashville for a CLE on Thursday from 1-5. 

And, as always, we have lots of hours of online sports CLEs with credit available in every SEC state except Arkansas — which, ironically, doesn’t allow online CLE — Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina, and New York.

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

“My wife and I are currently at an impasse in our marriage and we need you to be the arbiter of reason for our food conundrum. Though my wife is wonderful, she has a habit that drives me absolutely fucking insane that she doesn’t seem to see as an issue. I don’t know if it’s her 7 month pregnancy brain or what, but this HAS to stop…

Is it fair or foul to take a chocolate icing covered utensil, dip it in the peanut butter jar, eat, and repeat? Sometimes it isn’t even a utensil, but some sort of cookie/wafer/Fiber One bullshit pastry that ends up putting crumbs and junk in the jar. I contest that if I wanted chocolate in my peanut butter I would have bought reese’s cups at the store, but she contends that I’m a little bitch and need to suck it up. I bought her a jar of peanut butter for herself to use in her own archaic manner, but the behavior still continues…almost as if she is just fucking spiting me now because she knows it pisses me off.

Am I out of line here in wanting a clean jar of peanut butter with which to make my sandwiches? I know she reads the mailbag, so I know she’s going to see this if you post it. Your ruling will be law. What say ye?”

Let’s begin here — I think that just about every woman on earth secretly loves peanut butter so much that they all want to eat it with a spoon out of the jar. In fact, if there were no men and weight didn’t matter, I think peanut butter sales would skyrocket and women would all walk around with jars of peanut butter in their purses and just snack on it throughout the day. I don’t know any men who just sit and eat peanut butter out of the jar, but just about every woman reading this right now has done it. Especially if she has ever been pregnant.

Okay, on to your question — your wife is an absolute savage. YOU GAVE HER HER OWN JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER AND SHE STILL DID THIS WITH YOUR JAR?

This is unacceptable. You want peanut butter from your peanut butter jar, not a jumble of mixed treats. 

If I were you I make a secret trip to the grocery store, buy your own personal peanut butter, and hide it somewhere near the kitchen.   

“I have been happily married for 10 years. My husband is a good catch: attractive, successful, funny, and a good dad to our 3 small children. Life is good! My only issue with him is that he smokes weed pretty much daily.

To be clear, I’m no prude. Although smoking weed has never been appealing to me, I can definitely still have a good time. I had my wild days in my 20s, and still do occasionally in my 30s. I let him do just about anything he wants, when he wants, without much resistance. And I realize it’s just weed, which is legal in some states now. But my nice house smells often, which annoys the hell out of me, esp since we have kids now (they are too young to know about weed, although one has commented that there is a recurring skunk in the garage). Plus, it’s often accompanied with lying about it or sneaking around, since he knows it bothers me. All attempts to get him to stop or cut back through the years have proved futile.

In his defense, I must admit that he’s extremely well behaved when he smokes. He’s not getting high, grabbing Doritos, and playing Halo all night. I think it’s his way to chill out after a busy day. (Although that kinda pisses me off too… Mom doesn’t really have an outlet to chill. Instead I’m watching Disney Jr or playing hide and seek or having a 6 month old breastfeed until I go to bed).

Is there a way to get him to stop or cut back? Or should I just be thankful he’s a decent guy and not doing something worse to piss me off?”

This is a tough one because you aren’t really saying that his smoking weed is negatively impacting your family’s life, just that it bothers you that he does it almost daily. You also say you’re otherwise happy and that he’s otherwise a good, successful dad.

Now I’m not an expert, but daily weed smoking seems unhealthy. It also seems like an addiction. Plus, as your kids age is he going to keep smoking weed daily? Won’t the kids eventually know that dad is a pothead?

I think it’s fair for you to tell him that he can’t smoke anywhere inside or even in the garage. That means he should have to smoke outside in the open air. After that, I’m not sure this is worth obsessing about or getting in regular fights over. 

But if you still want to make an effort to slow down his weed smoking, the way for women to get men to change their behavior is by bribing them with sex. Right now you may be too tired with young kids to want sex with him more frequently. But if you just had a talk with him and said, “What if we agreed that you only smoke weed three times a week, but we make time to have sex two more times a week than we do now?” I bet he’d relent. That way you cut his weed smoking in half and add to your sex life.

I don’t know very many men who would turn down this deal.   

“So, I am engaged to the girl of my dreams; a beautiful and amazing woman who I will marry next year. I truly outkicked my coverage. And while we have a very open and honest relationship, there is one thing I can’t quite bring myself to discuss: her occasionally awful breath. I’ve tried the conventional route of offering gum and mints when I take a piece myself, but oftentimes she respectfully declines.

To top it off, she loves to kiss me (who wouldn’t?). A lot. And sometimes when she makes an advance, I’m sitting there thinking, “dear God please be a quick peck,” but instead it’s a full-on high-school-kids-in-the-back-of-the-movie-theater make-out session. I’ve debated growing a pair and just telling her, but I am also a weak, weak man who would rather avoid uncomfortable situations. Given that you are a gay Muslim, you must have considerable experience making out with dudes who have rank breath. Any advice?”

I think you have to tell her. 

I mean, we could try and come up with some fancy way to have one of her friends tell her, but that’s too convoluted. When she has bad breath, you need to tell her because you’re the one who can actually experience it. 

I don’t think this is that uncommon in relationships. My wife has told me quite a few times that before she’ll have sex with me I need to go brush my teeth first. That’s perfectly normal, right?

“Since Bama didn’t cover and I took your advice and put all my money on that game what’s the best excuse to tell my wife and kids why Santa won’t be visiting our house this year?”

You know the toughest thing about that gambling loss was that we were entirely on the right side. Alabama should have covered that spread with ease. If they played again next week I would put even more money on Bama -17. We were on the right side and still lost. 

Tell your family that instead of getting gifts this year, you told Santa your family already had everything they needed and that he should give more toys to the little boys and girls that didn’t already have toys. Sure, this will be a lie, but so is Santa. And that damn elf on a shelf that you move every morning.  

Or don’t be a quitter and take the Titans +7.5 at the Jets this weekend and win back all the money you lost. 

Blood. Bank. Guarantee. 

“Dear Clay,

I have been badgered and badgered and badgered about a Christmas list from my fiancé. I don’t have time to make a Christmas list. Well finally I gave one to her.

1. Blowjob

2. Blowjob

3. Blowjob

Why is this so hard for women to understand that all guys want is sex?”

I’m sure that went over well.

But I reiterate, for the billionth time, on behalf of married men everywhere: we would rather have more sex than anything you can actually buy us for Christmas. (Unless you want to buy a hot girl to have a threesome with. We’re okay with that too.)

So your Friday mailbag is nice and all, but I have to have a word with you about the dick pic thing. For one, I can’t BELIEVE you’ve never taken a dick pic. I refuse to believe that. Hasn’t everyone, even if they don’t want to send it, taken a picture of their goodies just to… see? You may be a unicorn in this. I feel qualified to say that, because it is NOT men ages 16-30. I’ve gotten dick pics from a guy I work with who is in his 50’s. (Don’t ask, but yes he’s twice my age, and yes his dick game is on point.) And another thing… Its hilarious to me that you describe the penis as “utilitarian.” Dicks are excellent. There are all just delightful, and no two are alike, like veiny little snowflakes.

And for the guy who sent the “hail mary dick pic” he has to have something EXCELLENT going on to get a response after six months of radio silence, so high five to him. I’m dying to know if there was a message attached to the picture. Like, “thinking about you tonight” or something. Or just like, welp, here’s my rod. Either way, as a girl, I can almost guarantee she’s dating someone, and just like’s a little stress relief on the side. Even if that’s not true, you don’t fly across the country just for sex. That’s how episodes of CSI start.

There’s no question in this. I just can’t get over the fact that you haven’t taken a dick pic. It won’t bite, you know.”

Here are three things I have never done in my life: boiled water, purchased a CD or any song on iTunes, taken a dick pic. 

I’m so bad with technology that if I ever did take a dick pic I would definitely accidentally Tweet it out to everyone. Honestly, I’m surprised someone hasn’t done this already.

What happens if you accidentally Tweet a dick pic? And who is the funniest person to do this? Has to be Donald Trump, right? But what if it was a head coach? What if someone really religious like Hugh Freeze went dick pic? Does the school reprimand them? Suspend them from coaching a game? Would Louisville have to fire Bobby Petrino, given his past history, if he accidentally Tweeted a picture of his dick?

Anyway, the easiest way not to face these issues is to never take a picture of your dick. 

“I’m having a debate with a coworker about his forty yard dash time. He says he can easily break five seconds. He is about 25 pounds overweight, 30 years old, and used to play high school football. I know you’ve covered this extensively, so my question to you is how much money should I bet him that he can’t run a sub-five forty?”

As much as you can afford to lose or, alternatively, as much as you feel comfortable taking from him without making your relationship really awkward. 

Trust me, a fat thirty year old who never played college football is not breaking a 5.0 forty. 

“How much would you charge someone to let them jerk off onto your bare feet? Assume that you can wash the semen off immediately. Also assume that you don’t have to look at them or even open your eyes. Additionally, assume that they are actually going to jizz onto your feet and not miss. To throw in a wrinkle, would you charge less if you were allowed to wear socks?”

For $350,000 in cash, I’d let anyone jerk off on my bare feet. 

But I’d demand the cash be there, all stacked up behind me. 

I would definitely charge less if I could wear socks — although I’m going with knee length soccer socks just to be safe — probably $200k for that. 

I think this number, by the way, is entirely determined based on your income. In college or law school I would have been totally fine with this for $25k. Now I have more money so you have to pay me more. 

And there have to be a ton of women out there reading this right now thinking, “$350k?! Do you know how many losers have jerked off on me for free?!”

See some of you in Birmingham and Nashville this week. 

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.