Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

Welcome to the anonymous mailbag, where your work and school productivity goes to die. 

Two major announcements this week before the mailbag starts:

1. Outkick the Show will debut tomorrow.

We are testing it on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week. So you can climb aboard for the wackiest media experiment in a long while

If you haven’t downloaded Periscope or you aren’t a fan of Clay Travis on Facebook, you won’t be able to see these tests. So I’d encourage you to go to Periscope and download the app here or go to Facebook and become a fan of Clay Travis here. Both will allow you to view the upcoming test shows. We are also going to be streaming through Fox Sports Go and YouTube, so it will be a quadcast. But the initial shows, which will live forever in sports broadcasting infamy, will only be on Periscope and Facebook. 

2. For lawyer readers — and that’s a ton of you — we are doing CLEs in Atlanta, Birmingham, and Nashville next week. 

We will be in Atlanta on Monday December 7th.

We will be in Birmingham on Tuesday December 8th.

We will be in Nashville on Thursday December 10th.

You get three hours of CLE, beer, and, most tantalizingly, ethics credit. 

Also, reminder, Outkick has a CLE company because I need as many ways as possible to make money so my wife and kids can spend it all on vintage Ghostbuster toys as soon as it hits my bank account. We presently have 12 hours of online sports CLEs available in every SEC state, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, and Virginia. You can stream it while you read Outkick! The only thing better than reading me? Hearing my voice.  

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

Jane Tiger D. writes:

“I don’t normally read your site, but my husband was laughing so loudly at your “bad dick day” comments that I had to check it out for myself. And what else do I see but a thinly disguised letter from my husband about our swimsuit bet.

Now, there are a few details he changed (to protect your innocent readers, I guess) that I’d like to set straight. First of all, the bet isn’t isn’t to wear a bikini. No, Clay, the bet is to NOT wear the top half of the bikini when he takes me on some tropical or European vacation next summer. It’s going topless that has me “embarrassed”.

Also, this concern from him for my emotional wellbeing is bogus. The unsaid story is that while he’s a Bama fan I come from LSU country so this whole bet is all about dominating his rival. I can’t tell you how many times he’s said he can’t wait to “blow the top off my coverage” and “expose me up front” like he’s Derrick Henry or someone. Seriously, I get that he’s excited but taunting?

And finally I need to set the record straight concerning his “dominating performance.” He’s about ten pounds from the goal, that’s correct. But he got there by being sick from the flu for two weeks followed by about a ten day gum infection that prevented him from eating much. If he does manage to lose the rest of the weight, and I’m still not sure he can, then this will go down as one of the worst beats of all time. Michigan St winning off a bobbled punt and Arkansas winning from a thirty yard no look backward lob or whatever that was will not compare to this. This will be a huge upset, so yeah, I’m surprised that I’m close to losing this off the cuff, never in a million years bet, but I still think I’m going to win. My only regret is not getting anything out of this, but that’s why you schedule cupcakes on your schedule. For the easy wins.

Anyway, just wanted to set the record straight and since I’m pretty sure he’s told his buddies about the real bet and since they read this site you can include my “signature.”

 

Not gonna lie, I’m rooting pretty strongly for your husband here. 

First, Bama steals Nick Saban from LSU and now Bama fans are stealing the tops off LSU women?

I mean, this rivalry is a total rout.

I’m starting to think you need to take him to Bourbon Street, get him so drunk he passes out in the Krystal’s there, and re-enact the tea bagging, this time with an LSU fan doing it to a Bama fan. 

By the way, is it too soon to call LSU’s futility against Alabama the tea bagging curse? LSU hasn’t beaten Alabama since a Bama fan got sent to jail for teabagging that passed out LSU fan. 

We need to get the teabagging curse trending so at some point next season Verne Lundquist references the teabagging curse on air during the Bama-LSU game.

“Happy Tuesday, or as I like to refer to it, Anonymous Mailbag Day! Last week you mentioned that guys are always emailing you asking “how do I know she’s into me?” If you’ll allow, I’d like to turn the tables on that question a little bit. As a girl, I’d like to know how far a dude will go to (just) get sex.

Some Context: There’s a guy I work with. I feel like I connect with him on a pretty deep level, we chat frequently (like, hours a day), and so naturally, I have to mess around with him. And it’s so, SO good, but that’s off topic. The question is, is there a certain point where it becomes clear that, hey, this guy isn’t just in it for the poon? Not that I’m against that, but I’d rather know NOW, so I can avoid falling for him.

I’ve heard some crazy stories about guys doing crazy things just to get laid. Outside of actually, you know, talking to him about it, are there concrete things you can point to and say, “Yeah. He wants more than sex with her.”

I feel like I’m not the only girl who has wondered this. I figure you’re pretty well suited to answer this as a gay dude.”

If he ever brings you around his family that’s a clear sign that he actually likes you. But some guys won’t bring a girl around their family for a very long time. So that probably isn’t in play. 

So the easier question is: does he introduce you to his guy friends? (This is assuming you didn’t meet him through the same friend group). If a guy is willing to bring a girl around his guy friends it’s a pretty good sign he’s interested in more than just hooking up. If you don’t know any of his friends he’s either got another girlfriend, is married, or is a psycho serial killer.

If you have the same friend group then spending time together alone outside of the time you spend hooking up is a pretty good sign. Have you been to dinner alone? Lunch? A movie? Have you spent time in public together and not hooked up immediately after that time in public?

It sounds as if you want more with him than just sex, so it’s probably a good idea to tell him you’re pregnant and pro-life just to see how he reacts. 

I’m kidding. 

Good luck. 

“Despite being gay, you have somehow managed to father three sons. My wife and I (both big fans of yours) are expecting our first child—a boy—in April, and we’re ecstatic.

However, we have been unable to agree on a name for weeks. She likes “unique” names: Cyrus, Wyatt, Angus, Calvin, Hugo, etc. I like family names, like naming him after his father, uncles, or grandfathers. She finds those names—including mine—boring. She also thinks naming your firstborn son after you is kind of an old-fashioned, patriarchal practice.

Is she right? Is naming your son after you archaic? More importantly, how do we negotiate an agreement on this? What can I offer her in bargaining to get her to come around to my point of view? Or do I just suck it up, let the person whose vagina the baby will crawl through decide, and give up the idea of ever having a son named after me?

Thanks, your gay, and Boomer Sooner.”

I’m named after both of my grandfathers and my first born son is named after both of his great-grandfathers, but we flipped his name and took my grandfather’s last name. I’m Richard Clay Travis and he’s Fox Clay Travis. So he’s got a new, unique name, but he’s still named after the same two men. We preserved the family name, but spun it forward in a new tradition.

As a result you can probably suspect what I’m leaning towards here, why not pick a unique name and pair it with a traditional name? That way you both get your favorite option. Have him go by the unique name, but he’ll still have a family name. You can even give him the traditional name first and let him go by his middle name. My parents named me Richard Clay Travis because they thought it sounded better than Clay Richard Travis. But I’ve always gone by Clay. Having a first name you don’t use is fairly common in the South.

I think this solves your problem.

Also, if any argument includes the phrase, it’s “kind of an old-fashioned patriarchal practice,” it should lose on the spot for being way too pc bro.  

“The reason why I am emailing you is because I had the opportunity to escape the traditional Thanksgiving festivities to travel with 6 college friends to Baton Rouge for the TAMU vs LSU game on Saturday. (We are all Aggies so we will just skip the chit chat about how that game went). One of my very close friends (who we now assume is gay) asked a very bizarre, yet somehow interesting question that shook our friendship to the core, and here it is:

If you were having a Devils’ 3 way with one of you buddies and some smoking hot chick, and one of the following occurs, which one would be more gay?

Option 1:

You and your buddy at  some point or another end up crossing swords and going “dick to dick” for a few seconds. 

Option 2:

Your buddy at some point “accidentally” grazes your dick with their hand in some way for a few seconds.

Now before we get into any details, we had to come up with some constants in the situation to level the playing field. Of course you know the other guy in the 3 some, the minimal amount of contact time in both situations would be around 3 seconds of “accidental” touching, and lastly both f you were 100% straight to, allegedly. Now I can’t speak for the rest of the male population, but I can say with great certainty that these kind of conversations happen among a solid group of guys which is okay. What’s not okay, is that for 3 days and one painfully long car ride back to good ole Texas, the 6 of us argued back and forth on which situation was more gay.

Our group of 7 was split 4-3 in favor of going dick to dick being more gay, but after speaking with multiple tailgaters, hot female bartenders, one pimp, 3 different black jack dealers in the L’Auberge casino, and one very confused police officer in downtown, we ended up pretty much even with a 23-21 split still in favor of dick dick being the more gay option of the 2. 

Dick to Dicks argued that there is nothing gayer than having your dick come in contact with another man, and the Hand to Dicks argues that the sheer shock value of another dude’s hand grazing your dick as enough to warrant it as the gayer situation to happen. 

We have heard various compelling arguments defending both sides but we need you help to settle the debate. 

What are your thoughts Clay? Have you ever been faced with such a gay head scratcher?”

First, three seconds is way too long for this to happen for a straight guy. The moment either of these things happen I think both straight men would recoil like they’d just received an electric shock. 

Second, it’s the hand to the dick because it’s an actual sex move. Gay or straight, if a man is involved in sex, at some point there’s a hand on the dick. So unless gay men are now dick swordfighting with each other, how is two dicks touching a sex move at all? Imagine if you had to get sexual gratification from rubbing one dick against another dick without using your hands, doesn’t this sound awful? You’d have to be a goddamn pelvic thrusting all star to ever have this be enjoyable at all. In fact, I think sexual gratification from his maneuver is virtually impossible unless you’re employed by Cirque du Soleil.

So dick to hand is the easy call here.

Also, if you’re ever in a devil’s three way you have to treat the girl like my kids treat a table while they’re playing chase. That is, the girl has to be the barrier that prevents you from ever being on the same side. One of you goes up top and the other goes down below. And if the guy starts to move from his side in your direction then you have to move in the opposite direction and go where he was.

There is no point in time where two men hooking up with the same girl should ever be standing in close proximity to one another. (I will allow a possible exception for ski poling, but come on, who are you hooking up with, an actual porn star? What percentage of non-pornstar women have ever ski poled in real life? Gotta be like four percent tops.)

“Got into a argument with my buddies that you can settle. Here’s the situation:

If you’re an NFL starting QB, it’s a mortal lock that you’ll have a smoking hot wife/girlfriend. From Brady to Bortles, it doesn’t matter the ring count, you are guaranteed to nail dimes off the field. My question: Which position outside of an NFL QB exhibits the same trend for the player?

I say it’s captain of an NHL franchise. (Have you seen the talent hockey guys pull? It’s absurd)

My buddies think it’s the English Premier League striker…like who the fuck could support that notion? Even if it were true? This is America damnit.”

Look, all pro athletes do really well when it comes to women. They’re all rich and they have badass jobs. Even offensive linemen in the NFL get comparatively hot chicks. And those are some of the ugliest, fattest, stinkiest dudes on earth. 

So I think you have to focus on average quality here, not pure quantity.

Which pro athletes get the hottest girls:

1. PGA golfer

2. Baseball

3. Hockey

4. Racecar drivers

5. NBA

6. NFL

7. Soccer

This is for the average player in the sport, so not the best player. In terms of single position, I think an NFL quarterback would do better than any other position in all of American sports. 

“I’m a Georgia fan. I was always torn on Richt. I agree he underachieved, but how could you not like the guy? Now that he’s gone, I have this horrible fear Greg McGarity is going to Georgia the shit out of this hire. What is the most Georgia way this could play out? Please tell me this is going to be ok.”

The most Georgia way possible for this hire to play out would be Mark Richt gets the South Carolina job and immediately takes five star quarterback Jacob Eason with him to Carolina. Eason turns out to be the next Peyton Manning, starting for four years in the SEC, only Eason wins multiple SEC and national titles for Richt. 

Meanwhile Georgia hires Kirby Smart, who turns out to be a total joke on the offensive side of the ball, the Bulldogs fire him after three years at the helm, 5-7, 6-6, 5-7 — all three years he loses to South Carolina — attempt to rehire Mark Richt after he wins a national championship, Richt turns down the rehire and the Bulldogs, bereft of decent coaching candidates and floundering under mediocre recruiting classes, hire Derek Dooley.  

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. Email clay.travis@gmail.com your questions, anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.