Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can email clay.travis@gmail.com with your questions, anonymity guaranteed. 

Here we go. 

“I need the help of a racist, gay, racist, liberal, racist, Muslim who hates people especially if they attend Missouri.

My ex and i have been broken up about 3 months now and haven’t spoken since about a week after that happened. My issue here is that after dating for a significant period of time i happen to know a few of his passwords, specifically his Facebook password. (Side note he knows this so not sure why he hasn’t changed it.) I have logged on a few times but honestly don’t care to know what he is doing, but having the knowledge of the password is sometimes too good to pass up. I don’t want to have to text him and tell him that he needs to change the passwords for the obvious reasons, but don’t want to have the password either. Outside of finding the self control to never login again whats the move here? I mean am I going to go the next 30 years knowing this guys password?”

This is a common issue when relationships end — the passwords you once shared may well remain the same, allowing you continue to monitor your ex’s life. By the way, if you have national security clearance there’s no way that guys and girls aren’t monitoring their exes texts and emails, right? I’m convinced that happens.  

What percentage of people that know a significant other’s password have been on their email or social media accounts at some time without that other person’s knowledge during or after their relationships? I would guess at least 75%. The percentage who would admit it? Like 5%. So I think this is really common.

What you need here is a reason for him to change his password without admitting that the real reason is because you keep checking his account. So you need a plausibly believable lie that actually makes you seem like a good person as opposed to the horribly deceitful person you actually are.

I’ve got the perfect scheme. 

Send him an email and say, “Just wanted to let you know that my computer got hacked — if you work at a big company you can even reference the Sony email hack and say it’s very similar — and all the passwords were stolen on my accounts. I know you used my computer sometimes and I’ve already had to change all my passwords because the Apple tech guy (or some other person who is smarter with technology than you) told me my accounts were all compromised. I’m not sure if yours were too, but just wanted to give you a head’s up because I don’t want to start getting spammed from you about the Nigerian oil fields you’ve mysteriously inherited.”

That way you’ve put the onus on him to change his account passwords. Now he still might not do it, but I think that’s the most you can do. 

Good luck. 

“I travel a lot for work and one of the places I stay is across the street from a new condo tower. It’s one of those buildings where the side is covered all with windows that allow you to see inside the building. At night I sometimes work in front of my hotel window and I can see straight across into the condos. Sometimes there are naked people visible in the condos. After staring at them quite a bit, I’m convinced that several of these girls are hot. 

Am I a pervert if I start traveling with binoculars so I can see them better?”

If you can plainly see their nudity with your naked eye from your hotel room, you clearly aren’t a pervert. I think we’d all agree with that. In fact, the guys or girls who are naked in their towers have to know that they’re visible, right? So they might even enjoy the attention.

The question you’re asking is whether taking binoculars specifically to see a naked person better in a condo tower across the street is perverted.

The answer is probably yes, but I still think it’s fair game. You aren’t seeing anything you otherwise wouldn’t see — which would be an invasion of privacy — you’re just seeing it better than you would have with the naked eye. Moreover, I think if you live in a condo with a glass-sided wall and you aren’t closing the blinds then you’re okay with being watched.

I’d draw the line with binoculars, by the way, if you start traveling with a telescope that’s crossing the line. 

“Upon turning 30 recently, I was hoping my time standing up in weddings was nearing completion. As a veteran of being in over 15 weddings, a known national tuxedo rental store at this point owns one of my kidneys. Recently I was asked to stand up in two more. One lands on my birthday and another is a wedding of which I dated the bride. (Don’t ask) I don’t want to be in either. How is a polite way to tell them to get bent?”

I’m assuming by don’t want to be in them, you mean you also don’t want to go? Or you want to go just not be in the weddings? If you don’t want to go at all, I think it’s easy, you already have a trip planned for both of those dates. That’s especially easy for the one that’s on your birthday.

If you want to go to the weddings you just don’t want to be in them because you’re tired of paying for a tux to rent, that’s tougher. I think you’ll seem like a pretty big asshole if you refuse to be in the wedding but still go to the wedding. So I’d say you’d have to pick, either go and don’t be in them or don’t go at all.  

“So I’m a college student and my mom’s cousin’s daughter was coming through on a visit to my university on a visit. I had not seen this side of the family in quite a while and the daughter I remember was quite a chunk. Well they rolled through and I met them for lunch and holy shit. She is now a smoke. Now I live in the Midwest so I would never consider having any sort of sexual relations with her but let’s say I lived in Kentucky. What is her relationship to me. She’s my mother’s cousin’s daughter. Is this a third cousin? Once removed? Curious college student here.”

You know you’ve made some interesting choices in life when you find yourself on the Better Homes and Gardens cousins chart trying to figure out what the deal is here. 

Based on my reading you and this girl would be second cousins. 

You could marry her in all fifty states.

So, while it’s probably a little bit creepy, it’s legal. 

Good luck. 

“So with the 2016 college football schedule officially out, I have immediately run into the age old “game or wedding” dilemma. First things first, I am a New Orleans native (currently living in Memphis) and die hard LSU/Saints fan. As early as 2008 it seems, LSU has had the ‘Lambeau-Wisconsin’ game out there which I have penciled in as a “must attend at all costs” type game. At this point – almost 10 years removed from college – I basically pick one game a year and make it work either with my wife or I meet with friends (did LSU-Oregon in Dallas, LSU-Wisc in Houston last year, doing LSU-Ole Miss this year, etc). To put this Lambeau trip in context, my wife (not a huge football fan) has had the jump on this game for about 18 months and has completely green lit the “crazy guy trip” to Green Bay sometime in 2016 (to the extent you can go crazy in Green Bay). Obviously this is likely to be the only time the Tigers ever play in Lambeau, but also the only time I’ll ever actually go to Lambeau, period. As a Saints fan, the only time I’d consider going is if it was the playoffs… but if it was the playoffs, that means it would be like 4 degrees outside, our team would be a lower seed and likely a double-digit underdog and I’d be one of maybe 2,000 fans or something up there. Therefore, it would just be a wasted exercise. On top of the bucket list aspect of ‘experiencing’ Lambeau, this is the rare opportunity to go see my team in the most historic football stadium in the country in a game which it is certainly going to be favored and being a “neutral” site, you know some ~20k (if not more) LSU fans will be devouring the city of Green Bay for 3-4 nights… oh yeah, and it’d be early September when the weather isn’t completely insufferable up there. Anyway, moving on to the problem of this story…

Meanwhile, a really good fraternity brother of mine (and fellow NOLA native and LSU/Saints die hard) got engaged about 6 months ago and set his wedding date on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend 2016… in Annapolis, MD (they both live in DC area now). Now I won’t get into my issue with the unintended inconvenience of planning weddings on holiday weekends (newsflash: people do not consider your wedding a vacation!), but I’m sure you can connect the dots on this one. Wedding in Annapolis for probably one of my 4 or 5 closest buddies in college on the same day as said “once in a lifetime” Tigers game in Green Bay. My gut call is the typical “you can’t skip this dude’s wedding… he flew in to Memphis for yours… one of your best friends in college… was at your bachelor party… he’s inviting you to his bachelor party… etc, etc.” On the other hand, while he was a close friend in college, we haven’t kept in touch nearly as much as I know he has with other mutual friends. And then there’s the ultimate irony that of all my friends, as a fellow diehard fan, he would be the guy who would “get it” if I went to the LSU game instead. Odds are he would be somewhat bummed out, but almost equally jealous that he isn’t getting to go. Now I know if he asks me to be a groomsmen (which I would say is probably 50/50), I obviously would kinda have to go to the wedding at that point… can’t tell him “hold on lemme think about it, I may not be going to your wedding altogether.” So that’s really the “clock” I’m up against to make a decision despite it being about 10 months away. Goes without saying that the silver lining in going to Annapolis is several long time friends will likely be there for a presumably fun long weekend, and Annapolis over Labor Day is admittedly bound to be a pretty cool trip in its own right. Bottom line is there is a 100% chance I will be in Annapolis or Green Bay next Labor Day… I just have no clue which one it will be. As a gay muslim from Tennessee with a law degree, you seem properly equipped for this particularly challenging situation… what say you then, wise man?”

If he asks you to be a groomsman you have to go to his wedding. If he doesn’t, you go to Lambeau. It’s that simple. 

Make up for not going to his wedding by definitely attending the bachelor party. Make up not going to the wedding to his bride — in the event she cares, she may be thrilled that they have one less person coming — by spending twice as much on a gift from their wedding registry as you otherwise would have. Pick the most feminine object available. 

“Clay – I come to you bearing the gift of a follow-up story. Hopefully you remember my letter to you that you posted about in June where I got your opinion on shagging Queen Latifah. While the debate ended there with us, we were so proud of our exchange with you that I printed out the mailbag response and stuck it right up on our fridge. Friends found it hilarious and it was a great story – I think my boyfriend’s buddies still text him pictures of The Queen to this day.

Fast forward to last weekend. My boyfriend, as the owner of a pretty spectacular condo in downtown Nashville, is an airBnB host. Amenities include: 1000+ square feet, one bedroom/ 1 bathroom, full kitchen, laundry, cable/internet, 2 balconies, etc. He rents out almost every single weekend for $250 a night plus a $100 cleaning fee. He usually has more than one party bidding for the reservation for every weekend. He’s getting over $1300 for New Years Eve weekend. My point is: hotels are either so in-demand or overpriced that there is a pretty impressive bidding war for places to stay in Nashville right now. With a demand like that – hosts have the upper hand to not cater as much to their guests’ demands. Even being an extremely high maintenance mid-twenties female, my mandatories list consists of clean sheets, towels, and toilet. It might just be me, but if I willingly choose to not stay in a hotel, I’m not going to expect someone’s personal living room to look like the Waldorf Astoria.

My boyfriend arrives home after his guests have left on Sunday night to a hateful note on his counter. It more or less spells out that not only is his condo disgusting, but your anonymous mailbag posting is offensive, humorless, and should be removed immediately. She was appalled that there were three cups in the dishwasher and dust on nightstand, etc.

First of all – I clean that condo myself and you could eat off the bathroom floor. Second – he has never had a complaint from a guest. Third of all – fuck you lady, don’t talk about Clay Travis like that.

All in all, I’ve written this lady and her husband completely off – I’m just guessing they’re two old anal douches (the type of people who send their food back twice in a restaurant). The point of this letter is to get your opinion on this crazy airBnB phenomenon. Have you ever stayed in one before? Does staying in someone else’s bed gross you out? Is letting strangers stay in your bed kinda gross? If a person has willingly opted out of staying at a hotel, do their list of demands go out the window? Should I retire my rubber gloves and hire a maid?

Good talk. Thanks, oh mighty gay one.”

We’re getting really meta when anonymous mailbag readers start getting hate mail on my behalf. Although, to be fair, if you guys read my mentions on Twitter the pearl clutching community will sometimes come after y’all too. Not only are they perpetually offended by Outkick, they’re perpetually offended by Outkick having so many readers too. So they hate you for your connection to me. The saving grace is, I bet our parties would be a lot more fun than the Outkick hater parties.

On to your question, I haven’t stayed in an AirBNB yet, but I know tons of you have either stayed in one or are renting out your places. I think it makes total sense, especially in a city like Nashville where it’s impossible to get hotel rooms. 

And thanks again for the Queen Latifah question. 

…

Outkick’s anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday. You can email an anonymous question to clay.travis@gmail.com