Anonymous Mailbag

COLUMBIA, MO – NOVEMBER 9: University of Missouri-Columbia head football coach Gary Pinkel speaks to the media during a news conference on the campus of University of Missouri – Columbia on November 9, 2015 in Columbia, Missouri. University of Missouri System President Tim Wolfe resigned today amid protests over racial tensions at the university. (Photo by Michael B. Thomas/Getty Images) Michael B. Thomas Getty Images North America

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday. The rules here are simple, anything you email me remains anonymous. You can reach me at clay.travis@gmail.com

Not surprisingly, given how many of you are reading and sharing our Mizzou columns, we got a ton of Mizzou questions, but we begin the mailbag with the most insane email I’ve ever seen sent out by a university.

Mizzou just sent this to the entire campus.  

“Hi Clay, I work at Mizzou & just got the email below… To pose one of your favorite questions: Is this real life?

From: MU POLICE
Sent: Tuesday, November 10, 2015 9:52 AM
To: MU POLICE
Subject: Reporting Hateful and/or Hurtful Speech

To continue to ensure that the University of Missouri campus remains safe, the MU Police Department (MUPD) is asking individuals who witness incidents of hateful and/or hurtful speech or actions to:

Call the police immediately at 573-882-7201. (If you are in an emergency situation, dial 911.)
Give the communications operator a summary of the incident, including location.
Provide a detailed description of the individual(s) involved.
Provide a license plate and vehicle descriptions (if appropriate).
If possible and if it can be done safely, take a photo of the individual(s) with your cell phone.
Delays, including posting information to social media, can often reduce the chances of identifying the responsible parties. While cases of hateful and hurtful speech are not crimes, if the individual(s) identified are students, MU’s Office of Student Conduct can take disciplinary action.”

CALL THE POLICE IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING MEAN TO YOU!

My favorite part is the last sentence. These aren’t crimes…yet.

Hopefully no one robs a campus store while the Mizzou police are investigating hurtful words. 

“Is it bad that I wanted Mizzou to step up to the plate and tell the hunger strike students that they aren’t giving in to their demands to see how long they last? I’m guessing it wouldn’t have been 2 weeks, but I think it would have been entertaining television (if they would have let media outlets in to put it on television).

His life was on the line, after all.”

I think if you go on a hunger strike you should be forced to give up all of your personal privacy and stream everything live on TV. Otherwise I just assume that the hunger striker is cheating. I think that’s why that human wall was so protective on Mizzou’s quad, they were afraid the media would catch the dude on a hunger strike eating a cheeseburger. In fact, since Mizzou is so obsessed with a poopswastika, can we analyze this guy’s stool and ensure that he didn’t eat anything for the past several days?  

I’m also filled with questions about hunger striking. (Full disclosure, I once went on a pudding strike to protest the lack of availability of the NFL Sunday Ticket in the Virgin Islands. I promised to only eat pudding until we got the NFL. I triumphed. We got an illegal pirated feed to watch games. What can I say, I’m a genius).

But why is a hunger strike considered noble when if the guy had the exact same demands and put a gun to his head threatening to kill himself unless he got what he wanted everyone would call that guy a crazy terrorist and if he didn’t shoot himself he’d go to an insane asylum? But he stops eating and people are like, “He’s so committed, what a guy. He hates racism more than you and me. How do we know that? He’s not eating.” Isn’t this incredibly stupid? 

Also, what happens if someone counters a hunger strike with a competing hunger strike because they think the original hunger strike is stupid? Can you have dueling hunger strikes, turn it into a competitive endeavor? The only way you can win is by dying. 

Can I just say I’m on a hunger strike now and will people believe me?

I’ve been hunger striking against cancer since 2001. The rest of you assholes support cancer. 

“Would it be an NCAA violation for improper benefits if a university acceded to a striking football or basketball team?”

It would have to be, right? This would be fascinating to see because it’s the ultimate Catch 22. A team refuses to play unless they get, say, $5k each. (I’m pretty sure this happened with the Ivory Coast World Cup players only they wanted a lot more money). If the school gives in and pays the players, that’s an NCAA violation and the players aren’t eligible to play. 

But if the school refuses to pay the players then they either have to field a team of regular students — this would be incredible television, watching frat intramural stars just get blown up all over the field — or they forfeit their games, violating their contractual obligations to their conference and television network partners, opening themselves up to millions of dollars in losses and millions in contractual damages.

If the players strike the school is screwed. 

This needs to happen just for the hilarity.

The end result might be the school capitulates and plays the games because it’s less of a financial burden, but then has to vacate all wins because it played ineligible players.   

“Does the white man really have it that easy? Isn’t everyone born with advantages and disadvantages… financial, physical appearance, geographic area you live? Do you apologize for what “having it so much easier” than everyone else? What is white privilege?”

If white privilege was so systemic in our country today, how do Asians and most second generation immigrant children from all cultures outperform the average white person in academic achievement? Wouldn’t that be impossible?

Here’s my other issue, arguing someone has white privilege is entirely predicated on the point from which you view the privilege. Let me explain: Let’s say you live in India and you’re a kid surviving off refuse from a garbage dump. If you took one of those kids to the University of Missouri, plopped them down on campus for four years where all they had to do was go to class. eat in the campus cafeteria, sleep in a dorm room, and hang out in their free time, do you think that Indian person would immediately believe that white people had an incredible privilege or do you think he or she would think, “Holy fuck, Americans have it so easy. They’re all so privileged.”

Hell, isn’t a hunger strike the perfect example of American privilege? There are tens of millions of malnourished people in the world today who are dying because they have insufficient food. Isn’t it arguably insulting and privileged behavior not to eat to make a point?

Every single person who lives in America is privileged compared to the vast majority of the world today. Our poorest people would be filthy rich in India, the second most populous country in the world. Accusing someone else of privilege is just a symptom of a larger issue that most ignore, everyone spends most of their time worried about people who have more than they do instead of looking behind them at the 99% of the world’s population who have less.  

Here’s a radical idea for today’s sheltered college kids: how about instead of worrying about other people you worry about your damn self? That’s really the only thing you can control. And your generation sucks so far. (And I can say your generation because I’m eight months older than the oldest millennial. I have so much more life experience than y’all. You kids and your stupid ideas. The only thing I like about your generation so far is that you all take naked photos and share them liberally. Otherwise, you’re a waste.) 

“My wife is adamant that we take our little one to Disney World before we try for a second child. She believes that a childhood is incomplete without this trip to Disney, even though neither her nor I have ever been ourselves. I hear all kinds of horror stories from others who have been, and I have no desire to go. I have been telling her that every time she proposes to go that it probably won’t work for me because of work. Truth be told, my work will be hectic next year, but I’m the office administrator, so I can take off if I decide I want to.

My wife has already booked my mother-in-law as my stand-in if I can’t go. My questions is: should I continue to use my work as an excuse and not go? Or should I suck it up and go with them?”

You have to go. It will be crowded and hot and your kid will flip out and your wife will blame you for everything that goes wrong, but you know what, in a few years you’ll have pictures of your kid at Disney World and you’ll — mostly — forget about how hellish it was. 

By the time you’re old this will seem like the best trip you ever took as a family.

Just don’t call it a vacation.

It isn’t.  

“Let’s say this whole Outkick business has finally run its course and you want to try a new profession. My alma mater has a job opening you may want to try. What is the first thing you’d do if you were hired as the University of Missouri system President? (Other than fire Melissa Click).”

I would give this speech to the entire campus. 

Then I would call each member of the freshman class up on stage and instead of giving them a diploma I would publicly insult them in front of the entire campus. Every single one. 

Then I would drop the mic and resign.

“If you had to guess what Pinkel would/is saying in the complete privacy of his house, whatcha got?

Like he has 1000 percent assurance it would not ever be repeated or get out.

He has to be motherf*cking the shit out of this situation, right?”

Yes. If Gary Pinkel could go 100% real, Bulworth style, I have to believe he’s sitting there with his jumbo glasses of wine like, “This is total bullshit. All these kids today are complete pussies.”

Which, to be fair, is what 99% of you reading the mailbag think.  

And here’s another thing, right now in the Big Ten offices they have to all be sitting around watching this news, laughing and high fiving each other saying over and over again, “Thank God the SEC got Missouri.”

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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