It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag!
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Okay, here we go:
“My husband and I have a great sex life and we are always spicing things up. We’ve done threesomes and foursomes and have enjoyed them all. Most have been MFF. We’ve done a couple MMF but most have been with extra women which is fine with me.
My husband is honest and says he really doesn’t want to do another MMF, so I suggested if we do at least one more, I would be all for a MFFF or MFF for the rest of the year.
Do you think that’s a fair trade or should I offer something else? Keep in mind, when we bring other people in, we both get a say and everyone is relatively attractive so there’s no pity sex.”
First, I’m not an expert in the group sex scene — and by “not an expert” I mean, “have not done it ever” — so keep that in mind here with my analysis.
Having said that, this seems like a fair trade to me.
You, essentially, are the Lakers getting Anthony Davis — a single solid draft pick that you are willing to build your MMF franchise around and he’s getting a ton of future draft picks — the FFFFFF — in your above example, making him the Pelicans.
But even with this analogy all built out, I still think it depends on what he does during the time you have sex with another guy.
Is he active with the guy or is your body always the buffer? That is, does he stay up top while the other guy goes down low and is he down low while the other guy is up top? Or is he making contact with this other guy in any way. Because most guys wouldn’t really want to find themselves in close proximity to another erect penis, even if it eventually led them to the great wall of vagina.
Also, how does a MFFF even happen? I get that there are (some) women who will join couples for a threesome, but are there really that many good looking women who are like, “You know what I’d love to do today? Bang a married guy and his wife with my smoking hot friend? I need to call her up right now and make that happen.”
Because, if so, will one of you please introduce me to these girls?
I feel like I should be more of an expert in this scene.
“We are going to the doctor Friday to find out if my wife is pregnant or not with what would be our second child. We are both excited about the prospect because we’ve always wanted two kids (oldest is 3), but there is something I’m terrified of assuming she is pregnant.
She wants me to have a vasectomy.
We’re both in our early 30s and two kids is the maximum we want to have together. She doesn’t want to be on birth control her whole life but also doesn’t want to get her tubes tied. She thinks the easiest and safest thing to do since we don’t want more kids is for me to get snipped. This terrifies me because I’m a giant pussy when it comes to surgery, especially when it comes to any kind of work being done in that region. I don’t really see a way out of this, so I think it’s going to eventually happen. Am I being stupid to be so nervous about it?”
Your wife is right that this is the simplest way to ensure you don’t have any more kids. (Assuming you don’t have magic sperm like Antonio Cromartie). It’s also much easier — and less dangerous — than the surgery she would be required to undertake.
But I’m also like you and terrified of having 100% elective surgery, especially on my genitals.
Several years ago I went for a vasectomy consultation with the doctor and the part that scared me was he said it’s hard to reverse the process if you one day decide you want more kids.
So I went home and told my wife what happens if she dies and it turns out that a Victoria’s Secret model is a huge Outkick fan and she wants to marry me and have kids, but my vasectomy can’t be reversed? Would it really be fair for her to keep a Victoria’s Secret model and me from being happy together after she died and was no longer here? Does she really want to deprive my Eastern European second wife with a perfect body the joy of childbirth and motherhood?
I told her I didn’t want to put that guilt on her (dead) shoulders.
(Note: I really said this.)
My wife rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders in indignation and said, “You are impossible to live with,” and we haven’t really talked about it since. I think everyone reading the anonymous mailbag should know this story because it demonstrates how a loving couple solves marital disagreements.
“We have a dilemma on our summer 7-8YO baseball team. Summer league is an extension of the spring. It’s instructional, no score is kept and we take on some of the seven-year-olds to play up with the eights. One of the new kids, when not holding a bat or a ball, has his fingers knuckle deep in his ass crack. All the coaches have noticed it, my wife, as well as some of the other parents, have too.
Last night, I was coaching in the outfield standing next to him watching him chum up his hole and asked him, ‘Is there something wrong with your heinie, son?’ I didn’t get a response. He didn’t even acknowledge I spoke to him. The question we keep asking ourselves, do we bring this issue to the attention of his parents? Since the league is instructional by nature do we need to do some film study with him on how to wipe his ass? Your guidance would be greatly appreciated here.”
I think one of the coaches pointing it out to his dad is warranted here. I don’t think you can tell the mom because she’ll be mortified and somehow blame you for noticing her son’s ass play, but I think it’s an appropriate question for the dad.
I’d bring it up out of earshot of anyone else. But asking “Why does your son keep his hand buried in his ass during baseball games?” is a valid question given the circumstances.
Not to mention that it’s also really gross.
He’s taking his fingers directly from his asshole and throwing a baseball or swinging a baseball bat.
That means his poop residue is on the ball or bat on a regular basis.
What if the entire team gets pink eye because of his brown eye? Unacceptable.
“What is your theory on when/why women began hitting the loo in groups? Furthermore, what is the psychological/sociological purpose for this?
My theory is that if multiple women went to the restroom while, say, dining out with their husbands, and one of them had to shit (and thus extend the length of the potty break), going in groups obscured the identity of the shitter.
However, since then, it seems the practice has morphed into an assumed role many women take on, even when its undesired by the other woman. For instance, my wife hates it when another woman goes to the bathroom with her, because who really prefers to shit next to someone else they know?
Thoughts?”
I’m not sure how far back the practice extends, but from a purely biological perspective, wouldn’t women going to poop or pee in groups be safer than them going alone? I mean, think about it, modern human civilization is a relatively recent part of our species existence.
For much of our history if a woman left a settlement to go to the bathroom, she was in danger of kidnapping, rape, murder, basically every bad thing that can happen to you. (Men would have been similarly vulnerable, but a grown man, even while pooping or peeing, could still defend himself when attacked by another man much better than a woman could. If a woman is in the same position she’s doubly vulnerable.)
So my guess is women started going to the bathroom together tens of thousands of years ago as a means of protecting one another.
As for why it happens now, I think it’s mostly an excuse to gossip. I don’t even think most women even go to the bathroom when they go to the bathroom together. (Note: I have no idea what women do in the bathroom together so this is entirely speculation).
There’s no way women are pooping and hanging out together while the pooping is going on, right? Especially if only one has to poop. Plus, let’s be honest, sometimes people have to poop at dinner, but how often does this really happen? I can’t remember the last time I pooped mid-dinner. Or, god forbid, had to poop at a bar. (I’d rather leave the bar for the night and go home to poop than have to use a toilet to poop in a crowded bar).
I think most of the time the women just want to gossip or one of them has to pee.
“I have always been a gambler. I enjoy playing poker, betting on sports, and especially playing the ponies. I have had some very profitable success in horse racing. With that success and my advancement professionally I’ve found my average bet going up considerably. This has led to bigger swings in wins and losses. I’m very disciplined in poker and sports with my bankroll, but horse racing I chase from time to time. I feel this is because through my handicapping I feel I have the edge and am not playing against a house advantage.
I provide for my family in all ways but have found my cushion to be dwindling. I’ve scaled back on horses until I build my bank back up. My newlywed wife and I will be combining finances at the start of year but she has no idea how much I bet. How do I balance our new financial situation and become a more disciplined player?”
I’d take your gambling money and open a separate bank account so she isn’t aware of your gambling habit or how much money you have in there.
Some may disagree with this advice, but you’re just recently married and the money is entirely yours right now. I don’t see why you should have to disclose everything.
While I’m not sure how much you’re betting, telling your new wife about this seems likely to provoke a battle, especially if you’re betting substantial sums of money. (Women, by and large, are not fans of sports gambling. Hell, I can barely manage to play blackjack without my wife driving me crazy. She typically stands right over my shoulder and disagrees with every single decision I make, from how much I bet to whether or not to take cards).
But, I don’t think you can add to that gambling fund going forward without telling her. If you lose the money in your gambling fund, you can’t bet more money without discussing this decision with your wife.
Finally, many people believe they have an “edge” in gambling. Most of the time that’s not the case, which is why it’s very hard to consistently win money gambling. My advice with gambling has always been this — gamble for fun, not to try and make a living doing it.
I love to gamble on sports, but I only risk money I can afford to lose.
Your gambling and investment money should be completely different.
Put your investment money in index funds and don’t worry about the day to day ups and downs of the stock market. Not touching the money and behaving rashly in the face of losses can be hard to do, but you should make around 9% a year over time if you’re buying stock funds and just leaving your money there.
“So every year for the last 7-8 summers, a couple buddies and I go to a 2 night concert for our favorite band. It’s about an 8 hour drive for us. Well, one of our buddies was gonna meet us up there because he had a conference that was only 2 hours from this venue. He would take a bus from the training city to the venue city.
The concert is this coming weekend (6/28-30).
The problem is he booked his training and transportation for last weekend (6/21-23). He didn’t realize it until he was on the bus to the venue city. He had to find an Airbnb on the spot and everything and now he isn’t coming to the concert.
He said he wasn’t gonna tell his wife about his mistake (married with 2 young kids), but my other buddy and I follow/friend her on social media…. So what’s the play- do we not post from our accounts about the concert so she doesn’t see it? If we do post anything, does that break guy code? How long can he go before she finds out? Surely she’ll see the statement with the Airbnb on it?”
This feels like a really strange thing to lie about to me.
What guy lies to his wife — especially a wife with two young kids — and claims he actually went to a concert with buddies when he didn’t attend the concert? If anything I think most wives would feel bad for their husbands for the scheduling mistake and be more inclined to let him go on the next guy’s trip as a result.
Which is why I think there’s something else going on here. Your buddy is trying too hard to cover up something that just makes him look dumb.
Which makes me think he’s covering up something else and not just lying to his wife, he might be lying to you guys too.
What would he lie about? My best guess is another girl. That’s really the only thing I can think of here.
Regardless, you have no obligation to pretend you aren’t at a concert this weekend just because your buddy lied to his wife and claimed you went to a concert (which didn’t even exist) last weekend. I’d let your buddy know his wife follows you on social media so she might see the concert photos you guys post from this weekend.
If he still chooses not to tell her the truth, that isn’t your problem.
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Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Clay Travis
