Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s time for the anonymous mailbag. Send in your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

With that in mind, here we go:

“I am a college student at a decent sized school in Tennessee, and as you know, Tennessee football is kind of a big deal here. So, earlier this week I get a text from my mom telling me that my great grandmother has passed away and that we have to be in Birmingham for a funeral on Saturday.Ironically the same day as Alabama plays Tennessee in Tuscaloosa.

We drive down to Alabama on Friday afternoon, and spend the night right outside of Birmingham. Saturday rolls around and my entire family is trying to find a way to avoid family lunch so we can go watch the first half of the game somewhere. We manage to get out of lunch early and head to Jim and Nicks BBQ to catch the first half of the game, but that’s it. The first half. The visitation starts at five, and we have to be there to stand in the receiving line. This is the point in the story where I should mention that besides my immediate family, and some of my cousins who are Auburn fans, the rest of my family are all Alabama fans. So in-between every hug and handshake, everyone is frantically checking their phones for score updates on the game, until one of my family members reminds us that there in a television in the lobby of the funeral home, so about five people in the visitation line immediately leave and heads to the lobby to watch the 4th quarter of the game.

At the start of the 4th quarter there were only five of us watching the TV, my dad, my brother, me, my cousin (who is a die hard Auburn fan) and his wife (who is a die hard Alabama fan). By the end of the game there were about 25 people in the lobby gathered around the TV, including parts of my family and the staff at the funeral home, clapping, yelling, and cheering for their respective teams. So, my question is: are we terrible people for doing this? or is this acceptable in the deep south?”

You should have moved your great-grandma’s — god rest her soul — funeral to Sunday. 

Only acceptable decision.

“I’ve started dating a girl recently off of tinder, as the kiddos do, and she’s a bit of mythical creature, a lawyer, musician, kind, seemingly completely rational, spontaneous and hot as hell. My usual M.O. is the same as all mankind, dating a few weeks with intermittent banging and moving on to the next girl, but this is a trojan horse that has pierced my bro walls.

The girl made me wait until the fifth date (girls take notes) and when it came time for show time, the thunder down under folded like a cheap accordion. I chalked this up to some this up to some heavy drinking but the next night the same thing happened again. We have spent the last 10 nights together since we met, the chemistry is amazing and something i’ve never experienced, but I feel a real danger of being friend zoned here (maybe even subconsciously). I’m 30 and have never been close to in love so I think this whole shit is freaking my unit right out. How do i get over the hump?

I know you’ll probably have no good advice as a liberal homosexual, but hoping you can help a brother out.”

You’re overthinking things because you actually like this girl. So whereas in the past you’ve been able to do the deed because you didn’t really worry what the girl was going to think or about how you’d perform, now you’re like a golfer with the yips. It’s mostly mental. 

It’s hard to break a mental issue once you start thinking about it. 

My suggestion would be to go Viagra. I think you need to juice here, just to kill your nervousness and get through the first time. Now you don’t want to stay on the Viagra — who wants to be the 30 year old on impotence pills for the next fifty years of his life? — but if you end up with this girl for very long then eventually this becomes a cute, endearing story. And you won’t have any mental issues with her.

The positive here is if she’s shown up for ten straight days, she probably already likes you. So this means she’s clearly not perfect.

Good luck.   

“Recently a girl I dated for several months and I broke up because of “her busyness.” I had previously purchased her a pair of unbelievably overpriced concert tickets (thanks stubhub), and being a nice guy, I let her keep them and she went to the concert with her best friend. Ever since the event, she has been talking with me constantly, starting with her in the middle of the concert texting me to ask what my plans were this coming weekend. We are set to “hang out” this weekend. My question to you is, is it on? And should I even go there?”

Yes, it’s on. 

Second, this is easy to explain, she went out drinking with her best friend and the best friend was like, “Wait, he got you these awesome tickets and let you use them even after you broke up with him? And you told him you were too busy? What were you thinking?” So she texted you from the concert, probably in the middle of her best friend pointing out what a good dude you were. (The other option is the best friend asked if she could date you, which is even better for you).

Hook up with her this time, but keep a measured distance between you after that. Girls like disinterested guys. The more you seem like you don’t care about them, the more they’ll want you.   

If she’s too busy, the way I’d take that is you were too available and/or wanted to hang out with her too often. You weren’t a challenge. So keep it casual. The next time she wants to hang out, claim you have something you’re already doing, even if you aren’t doing anything.

And, by the way, no single person without children is ever actually busy. You just aren’t. You think you are, but you’re totally wrong. The only truly busy people in the world are people with kids. Your ex-girlfriend isn’t actually busy.  

“My wife recently had our second child and has not yet returned to work. Over the last few months she’s used the extra time to work out constantly and looks fantastic. Without the stress of work she’s been happier and hornier and everybody is pleased. We have discussed her career and are in agreement that having two working parents is probably in the best interest of our kids, our marriage and her sanity, even if she only works part time. We don’t exactly need the second income but it certainly helps. I always thought that having a stay at home wife would drive me crazy but I have found myself enjoying the effect this life has had on my wife and our marriage. What’s the move here?”

Having a stay at home parent is fabulous. 

If you can afford to do it, you should. 

After we had our second kid my wife went back to work and this meant I was in charge of getting our two year old and our baby up and ready every morning. Me, alone.

Can you imagine this shit show?

I would get them dressed and fed and drive them to day care and then my wife would pick them up at the end of the day. I forgot the baby’s bottles so many times — and had to turn around at the day care and go back for the bottles — that my two year old would have to remind me before we left every morning, “Daddy, bottles!”

My wife barely got to see the boys at all because she started work so early and picked them up in the afternoon in the middle of rush hour traffic. Our lives were incredibly hectic and fucking day care was more expensive than college tuition would have been. Everybody talks about how expensive college is, but at least there are loans for college. And your kid can get a job. I’m not even kidding about this, it would have been much cheaper for me to have two kids at the University of Tennessee than to pay for a middle class church day care. The cost of day care in this country is a crime against humanity. 

So, anyway, my wife quit her job and our lives became tremendously better.   

My advice: If you can afford to keep one parent home — and that parent wants to stay home — I can’t recommend it highly enough. It will make your life immeasurably better.

And honestly, if you do the math on what multiple kids cost for day care, the finances aren’t typically that different.   

“After 4 weeks of ups and downs on daily fantasy football, I won 20k last week on Draft Kings and everyone just keeps asking me what I’m going to do with the money. I make pretty good money already so I don’t really feel this is life changing money and don’t necessarily “need” it to pay bills and whatnot but I’m pretty conservative and planned to put about half of what I clear after taxes into my newborn’s 529 college account.

Also, I told my girlfriend (who has basically taken care of our child alone over the past week while I was sweating over lineups, intensely watching my team and talking with my accountant about when and how the money will be taxed) that I would give her $1000 to do whatever she wants with it. A fair sum in my humble opinion.

So, my question to you is, assuming I clear roughly 15k after taxes (apparently you can write off your entry fees, insider subscriptions, NFL Package, etc) and I put 8k into a college fund and give my lady $1000, what’s the most selfish, ridiculous waste of $6,000 you could possibly come up with?

Side note, I’ve been to every strip club in the south so that doesn’t appeal to me. I had planned on going to the World Series in Chicago but thanks Cubs. Help me out here because I’m just too fiscally responsible to do this on my own!”

Since you’re being so mature in the way you handle your winnings, I’d take a cool trip and take your girlfriend with you.  

The Super Bowl this year is in San Francisco. Why not take her out there and end the weekend at the Super Bowl? If you haven’t been already then the Super Bowl is a cool bucket list item to knock off. I can’t imagine a cooler city to visit with your girlfriend than San Francisco. Get a nice place to stay in the city, have fun tourning Napa, and get decent, but not great, seats for the Super Bowl.

You’ll remember the trip forever. Most of what you’d buy with the money will fade away.  

“One time I went to West Virginia with 2 buddies of mine to go on a white water rafting trip. Long story short, we ended up on a raft with a blind man, a woman who was talking to her rubber chicken, a convict fresh out of prison (nephew of the blind man), and a tour guide who smoked three packs of cigs in our 6 hour trip. Quite the crew.

When we approached our first class four rapid, we got absolutely destroyed and flipped over. As I am swimming for near life, I hear people screaming “WHERE IS THE BLIND GUY?!” I, trying not to drown, see the blind man underneath the flipped over raft struggling mightily. I rushed over and pulled him out from under the raft as we are cruising through these rapids.

After I essentially saved this man from drowning, we reached calm water. We flip the raft and pull everyone back on board. As we pull the blind man back on board, it becomes very apparent he lost his bottoms. Great, a naked blind man. And to make things worse, the woman who was talking to her rubber chicken, lost it in the wreck and was balling her eyes out.

The rest of the trip was extremely awkward with the blind man naked (he was very fat btw) and the lunatic with the missing chicken on board.”

The only reason I believe any of this story is because it happened in West Virginia. 

“I’m a devoted reader and am in need of your infinite wisdom, so I apologize if this lengthy story provides too much of a distraction from your sacred rituals involving phallic symbols and pearly liquids. Anyway, I’m still close friends with many of my fraternity brothers from (redacted FBS Non-Power5 school) and whenever we get together, we, like most, bring up our myriad NSFW stories from the old days. But we have this one friend that, whenever he flies in from (redacted), we bring up the following story, which is the magnum opus of not only his college career, but maybe all of ours as well. I need to know if this permanently defines this guy’s identity.

One night his senior year, he was drinking with his 6 roommates (guy/girl mix), and they were all discussing how long it’d been since their last…experience. His dry spell was the longest by far (well over a year; almost inexcusable that far into college). A few days later, they have a keg party (which they did frequently), and it was his turn in the rotation to buy the keg & cups. While he’s out doing that, a bunch of us make an event on Facebook (which he wasn’t on at the time) advertising the party, specifically insinuating that we were planning on hiring a “professional” behind his back to end his dry spell for him. We found her on Craigslist (at the time, the “Pink Sheets” of such services, to use “Wolf of Wall Street” lingo), we made sure she was his type looks-wise, and it only cost us about $175 (again, we were in college; we couldn’t go “Blue Chip” here).

So the party starts, she arrives and we get everyone to throw in $5-10 towards her cost. Our mark shows up and, after he gets a few beers in him, we send her to make her move. Given that 7 roommates’ worth of friends are over, she blends in rather seamlessly (read: we’re confident he doesn’t have a damn clue). It takes longer than it should, but she eventually gets him to go upstairs to his room with her. They emerge 20-30 minutes later, and we think we’ve done it, but he admits nothing happened and goes to bed shortly afterward. She, as dejected as we were that she couldn’t seal the deal, confirms that nothing happened and asks if anyone else wants to “get everyone’s money’s worth”, after which one of the other male roommates happily obliges.

The next day, our guy (still unaware of that girl’s “professional” status) and one of his roommates (the guy who ended up banging her) are downstairs where the party was, cleaning. The roommate asks him what happened with that girl and he says it was only some light making-out and nothing more, at which point… his roommate told him EVERYTHING…and he was FURIOUS! Furthermore, it was common practice at their parties for the guests to contribute $5-$10 toward the keg; however at this one, they contributed toward the hooker instead, hence he didn’t recoup any of his keg cost, while everyone else spent what they would have otherwise. So, in a roundabout way, he unknowingly paid a couple hundred dollars for the services of a Craigslist prostitute that 1) he didn’t take advantage of, 2) he didn’t have any hand in choosing, and 3) his roommate banged instead…oh, and now that his dry spell was as well-publicized as it was, that obviously continued on for a while afterward.

Although this happened back 8-10-ish years ago (so some details may be a bit hazy) and I’m pretty sure this guy is in his early 30’s now, 1) this story is invariably told ad nauseum whenever he shows up; 2) he is primarily known as “the guy from the hooker story” to all the brothers that have come through our chapter since; and 3) I know for a fact that there are people he’s met in (his new city 3 time zones away, redacted) that know him as the guy from this story as well. On a semi-unrelated note, last I heard, this guy is single. So, is there any way that he can live this down, or is his legacy cemented? Also, could he have sued us for this and is there a statute of limitations? I need to know, preferably before he flies in for our school’s homecoming game in a couple weeks, because I can’t wait to see what is guaranteed to be his priceless reaction once I show him this.”

Begin with a great-grandma’s funeral, end with a hooker story. 

Welcome to the anonymous mailbag. 

Also, maybe I’m in the minority here, but doesn’t this story reflect more poorly upon the roommate who knowingly bangs the prostitute? And how about the heart of gold on the prostitute, she could have just lied and left the party without sleeping with anyone.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.