It’s Tuesday and time for the anonymous mailbag.
As always you can email me at email@example.com, anonymity assured, and we may publish your email on Outkick.
“I was in Reno for a trade show back in February for work, spent the entire day working so to unwind I spent my nights in the sports book. (This was my first time in a sports book so I was like a kid in a candy shop.) The second night while watching some shitty NBA game, by myself, I went to the bar to grab a beer. As I’m walking back to my seat, a woman says to her friend “ooo he’s cute.” I turn around and shoot her a smile. 10 minutes later she sits down next to me.
She’s a little older, I’m mid-twenties, my guess at the time was early fifties. We get to talking, she’s in town for the same trade show. She keeps telling me how cute she thinks I am, I’m laughing it off.. but in my head I’m thinking “I’m gonna bang this woman tonight.” Sure enough an hour later she invites me up to her room.
One thing leads to another and we’re doing the deed. She’s telling me she hasn’t been fucked like this in years. I’m loving it. We finish and the first thing she says to me is “Oh, I’m married and I have 4 kids.” I’m shocked, she tells me not to worry. Turns out she’s 61, her daughter has a kid, she’s a grandma!
I hang around for 20 more minutes or so and head back to my room, obviously tell this story to my buddies immediately. The next day she comes to my booth, I tell my coworker the story as well, and he is pumped. He takes a photo of us for proof.
Should I feel bad about this? I saw her this August at the same trade show (didn’t bang her this time).
Would love to hear your thoughts.
I attached the photo my coworker took (she was squeezing my ass in that) not bad for 61.”
This has to be the hottest 61 year old woman alive.
But she’s clearly old. (I honestly wish I could publish the photo, but that’s clearly not fair.)
This is what happens when your company schedules an event in Reno instead of Las Vegas, you bang someone’s grandma.
You really blew it when you didn’t begin the email, “I went to Reno, Nevada and banged a grandma.”
Everyone is reading the next line of that story.
Having said that, this is a hell of a story. And you didn’t know she was a married grandma so I think your behavior is acceptable. She only told you after the sex.
By the way, can you imagine if her husband found out and shot you for banging his wife? Aside from morality and karma, which are clearly good reasons, this is why you can’t mess with married women, because a solid 40% of all husbands are batshit crazy when it comes to the sex lives of their wives.
They might kill you.
Meaning when you banged this grandma you were taking your own life into your hands.
Also, once you’ve banged the grandma once don’t you have to bang the grandma again? Second part, how often do you think 61 year old grandpas bang 25 year old girls they meet at bars? (Without paying for them). Is it more or less common than a 61 year old grandma banging 25 year old? Final question, what percentage of people in America have banged someone 35 years older than them? Gotta be like 1 in a thousand, right? And that might be too high.
So congrats on your Reno weekend.
“My problem is from my bachelorette party. My friends and I had a party with all the works, and I ended up staying the night at one of my friends houses. By this point I was so drunk that I was dry heaving in her bathroom and crying, begging her to go get me a Big Mac, while she and my other friend laughed at my misery. But little did I know she had called one of her guy friends, who was on his way to her house, to pick me up a hamburger.
I took maybe a bite of the thing, but I can hardly remember. Anyway, somehow, someway, I ended up in the cab of his truck, and we had sex. After it was over I passed out on the couch and suffered a horrible hangover the next day…which I guess is what happens when you drink half a huge bottle of Crown by yourself knowing you’ll upchuck and fight off a raging headache when you wake up.
At first, I didn’t recall the night before that much. I remembered flirting with the guy and stuff, but slowly started remembering exactly what went down. I told myself that couldn’t have really happened until I realized my pants were on inside out and well, it was kind of obvious. My fiance came to pick me up and I couldn’t look at him….I was pretty sure I just betrayed him in the biggest way imaginable.
Our wedding was only TWO WEEKS away. Despite feeling horribly guilty, I kept it to myself.
Cue today. It’s been several months since our wedding and the guilt is eating at me. I’m now pregnant and I’m afraid of what is to happen if I tell him the truth. I’m scared he will think this kid isn’t his (she most definitely is) or that he will ask me for a divorce. He’s my entire life, and never would I ever do something like this again. I used to scowl at cheaters and pick them apart to their bones. And now, I am that person I used to look down upon.
I want to confess. I want to get this out and off my chest, but I’m so afraid and so ashamed of myself. That being said, I don’t know if I can live with this forever.”
This is such a complicated and serious question. I’m going to do my best to give you the best advice possible, but, I’m not a professional. I’d advise you to talk to a professional because I’m not perfect in my advice, especially when it gets very complex.
Let’s begin here — the guy who had sex with you — and your friend who brought him over — both put you in an incredibly awkward position. If this guy showed up totally sober with McDonald’s and had sex with an insanely drunk girl, that’s potentially criminal behavior on his part. I don’t know what kind of consent you were capable of giving or how drunk you actually were, but your description of the night doesn’t sound very coherent. So this is an uncomfortable story to begin with that’s potentially criminal in nature. You may have been sexually assaulted.
Second, what kind of girlfriend do you have? Where was she? Who calls in a random sober guy at a bachelorette party at the end of the night and then leaves her drunk friend with him? Her behavior leaves much to be desired here.
Having said all of this, you aren’t asking about the first two things, you’re asking about what to do about your husband. And here’s my honest answer — I don’t know for sure, but my first inclination would be to keep quiet if you honestly think he’s going to divorce you over this.
Because then what are you gaining by telling him the truth? You’re freeing your conscience, but shifting your burden to him. Now he has to decide how to feel about your action, something that he had no part in whatsoever.
What’s more, the added complexity is you’re pregnant.
How do you know it’s definitely his kid? Is it based on the months? How much potential overlap is there here?
This adds another incredible complication to your story. You have to figure out who the father is, right? So do you secretly DNA test your kid to confirm that it’s his? I almost think you have to do this. If it’s not his kid, then I change my advice. I think you have to tell him then.
But how many husbands stay with their wives when they find out that a kid they thought was theirs isn’t actually theirs? And how in the world do you tell your friends and family who have been celebrating the birth of the kid when you get divorced right after?
Honestly, this is such a tremendously huge decision that I’d encourage you to speak with an actual counselor and work through the appropriate steps to make the right decision for you and your husband.
HR found out about Outkick’s mailbag and read your response. One of 2 things happened. 1) one of your viewers violated the #dbap rule and sent HR the link, or 2) you have an outkick reader in HR.
They are investigating and they have narrowed it down to 4 of us, based on hiring date, floor we sit on, and who used work computers to view outkick. Yes they went to IT to trace anybody on our floor that visited your website!
Odd side note: some guy has come forward admitting that he occasionally doesn’t flush his poop at work and just leaves it in the toilet because he has some weird poop fetish or something (I guess leaving his shit for others to see turns him on???) but he has vehemently denied any role in #poopgate.
HR plans on bringing all 4 suspects into their office to get to the bottom of this next week. I don’t want my colleagues to get fired but I obviously don’t want to be fired as well. I’m nervous as hell. Should I just confess? Or stay silent? Should I write a mailbag Q with lies in it to throw the investigation off and pin it on someone else? What’s my play?”
You probably should stop sending updates on the investment banking poop investigation to the anonymous mailbag.
But I’ll be damned if I don’t love this HR investigation. They’ve gone all in so far.
At this point I’d stay silent, I think it’s unlikely they’ll be able to definitively prove it’s you. But, to be honest, if you’re emailing the Outkick anonymous mailbag it kind of seems like you may want to get fired and go out in a blaze of pooping glory.
If so, that’s a hell of a way to say goodbye to an investment bank.
“Late last week I got a Facebook friend request from a guy I worked with at my very first high school job at the movie theater. Since I’m now a mother of two (read: I don’t want random creepy people checking out pictures of my kids), and since I haven’t thought about this dude in nearly two decades, I didn’t accept.
He then sent me a message acknowledging how “wild” things got at that job. He also said he wanted to apologize for that and especially to me. The apology triggered a memory that I had forgotten about. One night while he and I were taking out the trash, he flashed me. It wasn’t a quick flash. It was deliberate. He was stroking himself. I can’t remember if he said anything, but it was very clear that this was a premeditated flashing. I confronted him about it, and I can’t remember for the life of me if it was later that night or another day, but he of course denied it. He said it was a hot dog, and he was playing a joke on me.
A HOT DOG.
At age 16, I hadn’t seen a lot of dudes in the buff, but I had seen a lot of hot dogs. This was no hot dog. But I was an idiot at 16 and allowed him to convince me that he had shown me a hot dog through his fly, so I haven’t spoken to anyone about this incident since then. That is, until now, via the anonymous mailbag.
So, what’s the deal? Do I respond to his messages? If so, what do I say? Do you think he is in some sort of 12-step program and is making amends? Or could he potentially be considering a run for public office and making sure his slate is squeaky clean? Only a gay Muslim can sort this out.”
I’d write him back and say that you appreciate the message, but that you have long since forgotten all the details about that movie job. That way if he’s still a pervert getting a thrill off what he did to you, you strip him of that enjoyment by claiming not to remember it.
Then I’d tell him that you only use Facebook for close personal friends and family members so you won’t be adding him as a friend, but that you wish him well in the future.
Bang, you’re out of the conversation without potentially provoking a guy who may have turned psycho at some point. I mean, honestly, you haven’t seen the guy in nearly twenty years, who knows what his life is like now? He was a pretty big weirdo at 16, odds are he hasn’t changed that much.
I wouldn’t respond to his messages any more after that and I’d block him if he keeps trying to respond to me.
Honestly, some people might advise you not to respond to him at all, but I think a quick message like I described above is likely to end this interaction without alienating him. If it doesn’t, then you know he’s crazy and can block him on Facebook and never see him again.
“So I’m married in my mid 30’s and we have three beautiful, healthy kids, and financially we’re pretty comfy. Sounds great, right?
Only problem is that I have zero…and I mean zero sexual attraction to my husband. Now before you jump to the usual reasons, I’ll tell you that he has good personal hygiene, works out, has a great career that pays six figures, a good sense of humor, does more than his share of the household work…and he’s an amazing dad. He buys me thoughtful gifts for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s, etc. In terms of the list of qualities we women are told to look for in a mate, his “draft stock” is through the roof. But he doesn’t turn me on anymore, and it’s not just a recent thing–it has been that way since just after we got married.
Now that’s not to say that I have zero sex drive. I still find other men attractive all the time. In fact I had an appointment with my OB/GYN recently for a minor issue, and since my regular doctor got called away for a delivery I got checked out by one of her colleagues–a male doctor. Holy shit he was hot…when he was examining me I had fantasies of him taking me right there. And I get turned on by books like 50 Shades, but nada with hubby.
If it were up to him, he’d probably want sex every night. But I usually create reasons to dodge him (the usuals–headache, “I’m tired”, or I just don’t go to bed until I know he’s asleep). I usually give in and give up the goodies about once every couple of months because I feel guilty. He used to complain all the time about lack of frequency, but now I think he’s pretty much given up and takes what I’ll give him.
I would never cheat, and I would never leave because I do love him and he’s such a good father that I wouldn’t want our kids to miss out on him. So my question is…what should I do? Is this common among women? I know that I can’t tell him how I feel because it would crush him, but I don’t want him to get fed up and leave either. As far as I know he hasn’t cheated, and I don’t see any signs that he might…but you never know. Curious to see if there are any other wives that are in a similar situation…and how they’ve handled it.”
If you’re only sleeping with your husband once every other month then he certainly has a reason to be upset. I can’t imagine any married man would be satisfied with that amount of sex
If your husband’s attracted to you, but you have no interest in sleeping with him more than six times a year, is that really very fair to him? I think your email acknowledges that it isn’t. That is, you seem to recognize that sex six times a year isn’t very much. You say you don’t want to leave and that you don’t think he’s cheating, but if you’re only sleeping with your husband six times a year, do you really have any grounds to be upset if he cheats on you? I mean that honestly, isn’t it unfair of you to expect him to only have sex six times a year for the rest of his life?
If you think he’s a great father and otherwise you’re fine with your marriage I’d ask this question — how much does sex actually matter to you. That is, if you were married to a guy that you were extremely attracted to would you want to have sex a lot with him or would you get bored with that too?
There was a great study several years ago where the majority of women said they’d rather give up sex for a month than their favorite article of clothing. Amazingly, the majority of women also said they would give up all sex for 15 months in exchange for a closet of brand new clothes.
The simple truth is this — the average man wants sex a lot more than the average woman does.
So my question for you would be this: is there a way for him to do things that are attractive to you even if he’s not the primary sexual attraction? For instance, have you ever tried to spice up your sex life? What about sex toys or porn or sex outside in the car? No guy is going to turn down his wife if she makes these suggestions, but he may not be willing to suggest them himself. So what if you experimented with him.
What about role play, where he’s the sexy doctor and you’re the patient? That turned you on, why not see if you can transfer those feelings to your husband? On a broader scale, what about different partners or an open marriage?
Does any of that entice you at all?
Here’s the biggest question for you, are you unsatisfied with your sex life? You’re only 35 years old and you say you’d never leave your husband because he’s a good dad and a good provider and you’re otherwise happy. Let’s assume that you are somewhat interested in sex for 20 more years before your sex life slowly fritters away into old age. Are you really okay with only having sex 120 more times in the next twenty years. That’s six times a year for the next twenty years.
And is your husband fine with that too?
I’d sit down and talk to him about it.
Chances are he’d welcome the conversation even if some of the details are uncomfortable. I wouldn’t directly tell him that you aren’t attracted to him, but I would say that you just aren’t that interested in sex.
And then try and spice things up and see if that alters your sex drive in any way.
Lacking all of that, can you not just fake it to make him happy? I guarantee he’s faking all sorts of family shit to try and make you happy. If you added one blow job a month, I bet his life enjoyment with you would skyrocket.
Plus, I believe blow job karma is a real thing.
That’s why my primary advice to all married women is simple — just fuck your husbands more. You’d be amazed how often that will solve many of your problems with him.
Most of the time you’re overthinking your relationship issues, trust me, he just wants to have more sex.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity assured.