Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always — these are real questions, sent to me by real readers, with total anonymity guaranteed. You can email me your questions at clay.travis@gmail.com.

Before we begin, congrats to Outkick’s anonymous mailbag coverboy Kliff Kingsbury on his big win over Arkansas. Someone needs to ask Kliff in his next post-game presser how often people mention his being the coverboy for the anonymous mailbag? I bet it’s pretty frequent. 

Okay, here we go. 

“Being the wise gay muslim you are we knew you’d have the answer to this: So 2 weekends ago at we had a huge sellout game with tons of people on campus. Towards the end of the afternoon of tailgating the port-a-potties began to have huge lines. Now this wasn’t one of those regular small port-a-potties, this was about twice the size of a “normal” one with two defined places to pee and/or poop. I’m waiting in line with a buddy of mine and when it finally opened up we went in together even though previously everyone had been going in solo. Now as a reminder, there were two spaces, a urinal and a toilet so it’s not like we were in there sword fighting or crossing streams. When we walked out you would have thought we were in there Brokeback Mounting or something and of course it went back to guys going in one at a time.

Men generally pee within inches of each other in most bathrooms, not to mention stadiums that still have troughs, so why is it unacceptable for us to double up in bigger port-a-potties?” 

Not only were you in the right, when there’s a long port-o-potty line and two guys both have to pee I think this should be standard practice. You’re goddamn American heroes, like Steve Jobs and his non-existent twin, out here revolutionizing social etiquette when it comes to oversized port-o-potties.  

Everyone who stands in one of those lines — male and female — always feels like you’re about to piss yourself. They move so slow, it’s awful. (Honestly, I think men should be able to pee in the grass behind the port-o-potty. This should be standard practice on gamedays. That way only women and people who have to shit would ever need to stand in line. But the risk on getting arrested for public urination scares most people from doing this. Free the peeers!). 

If you’re anything like me you will jump from one line to another, frustrated as hell about how long your line is taking. I actually find myself analyzing the line in front of me to try and glean whether the people are going to move fast or not. This can be tricky because sometimes you think a guy is peeing and he actually sits down and poops. Or you get some sorority girl who passes out sitting in the port-o-potty. (Question, how long does a girl have to be in the port-o-potty solo before a guy can check on her?) 

When I finally get into the port-o-potty I’m honestly thinking, “I am going to piss so fast in here that people are going to be blown away by how fast I was.” I really think this. If anyone in line behind me ever says, “Damn, that was fast,” which happens fairly often, I consider this the highest commendation that a tailgater can get, like the Purple Heart of SEC football. 

I’ve actually given high fives to men and women for being really fast before. I think this needs to be more common. Honestly, I think lines should race like a flip cup game. If your line wins, you all get free jello shots. We need incentives here. 

So not only am I endorsing this move by you and your buddy, I’m encouraging its adoption across the country. In large port-o-potties doubling up should be standard practice for men. 

“This event happened about a month ago so I figured I’d come to a gay man for some answers to my question. Here goes:

I go to my gym regularly and am pretty familiar with not just the patrons there but the staff as well. It’s your typical gym: mixed demographic with people who are fitness freaks (much like yourself), others who are simply trying to get healthier, then folks in the middle…as you may imagine the personal training staff are all lean and Gisele/Fabio-esque; which they should be…fucking slobs shouldn’t be lecturing people about fitness.

Anyway, I’m walking into the main locker room area looking down at my phone to turn off my music and unplug my headphones. As I glance up, my eyes land eyes on a pair of feet and then run up some legs sans towel and make eye contact-for a brief second-with the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. And it’s attached to one of the personal training staff, who is just walking around the sort-of-foyer of this locker room. Now I played sports in high school, so locker rooms have never really bothered me, but this dick could be used as a weapon. And truthfully, I’m glad it was only in my eyesight for only a fleeting moment because any longer I fear my face, along with everyone else’s, would have melted off a la “Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

I get to my locker still in shock that I escaped imminent doom from a man with a pringles can between his leg, but wondered:

“Why in the hell the guy didn’t have on a towel? This isn’t a 60’s bath house, was he showing off? I don’t blame him if he did….I would.”

Arguably 95% of men in locker rooms at least wear a towel around their waist walking to and from the showers; what you choose to wear or not wear around your locker is fair game. My question is this: why hasn’t locker room etiquette been more established? Now I get it, some old ass Korean vet chilling naked after a game of racquetball without a towel on is different for whatever reason. But this was like a 30 year old prancing around butt ass naked without a towel. I just hope I don’t have some ‘Nam like ptsd from this.

Thanks for the anonymity and your shit gambling picks.”

My first thought is this needs to be a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode where this trainer trains Larry’s wife and he’s trying to convince her to switch trainers, but he won’t explain why. 

Can you imagine all the great gym scenes, him stretching her out before the workout, leaned over behind her while she does deadlifts, I mean this episode would be fantastic.  

My second thought is, if I had a huge Pringles can dick I would want everyone to know I had a huge Pringles can dick. Even guys. Because guys talk too and eventually this would work to my benefit. 

As a general rule, men should wear towels — and also put their pants on before their shirts. The number of men wearing shirts without pants in locker rooms is a goddamn epidemic. But let’s be honest, telling the guy with the Pringles can dick that he has to follow the ordinary rules of locker room etiquette is like telling Vincent Van Gogh that he should paint more realistically. Geniuses (with gigantic penises) play by a different set of rules. 

I’m not sure what you can do about this, just pray that you don’t start dating his ex-girlfriend. 

“Is it okay to jerk off if your dog is in the room?”

Yes. 

“Let me begin by saying that I likely represent a good portion of your Alaska readership (yes, we do exist).

This might be best suited for the anonymous mailbag should you choose to publish it, as I don’t particularly want my employer hearing about my bowel movements.

Consider this: You have about 135,000 followers on Twitter, myself included. It’s safe to say that many of them, myself included, likely read your columns and mailbags while taking their morning constitution at the office. This in and of itself may not be remarkable, but usually when I read a mailbag or column on OKTC it extends my dump by about 10 minutes. And why not? I make six figures, have an executive job leading the Alaska market for a company that grosses in the billions annually, and frankly my office gets a little stressful sometimes. The toilet is my office sanctuary, as I know it is for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of working men and women everywhere.

Now, let’s figure that 3/4 of your readership is gainfully employed during the day (i.e. not t-shirt Bama, Texas, FSU, or wayward UAA Seawolf fans). That equates to about 101,000 people; figure half of them (we’ll call it 50,000 since that is a nice round number) read your two weekly mailbags while taking a dump and it adds an extra 10 minutes of poop time per person. Have you ever paused to consider the amount of total national productivity lost from people extending their poop time due to your articles? It has the potential to be a fascinating economic study.

P.S. you’re column is gay.”

No doubt, it’s millions of dollars. But my belief, in general, remains that most people at work don’t actually work that hard. For instance, if I told you that you only had to work four hours a day and got Fridays off, my contention is that most people could work their asses off for sixteen hours a week and complete their jobs with time to spare. 

That is, about half the time is mostly not that busy at work. 

I’d also think the amount of money wasted at work would be canceled out by the amount of money that lawyers reading Outkick bill their clients for. I believe that millions of dollars have been paid out for billable hours that were actually spent reading the mailbag. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration at all. The mailbag has been around for ten years. Let’s say $5 million has been billed over that time, or $500k a year. That sounds like a lot, but when you break it down, that’s definitely happened. 

Figure the average lawyer is billing out at $250 an hour. That’s 2000 hours to reach $500,000 grand in billable time per year. We have two mailbags a week. That’s 100 mailbags a year. We need to average twenty hours a week of billable hours to reach that number. We have thousands of lawyers reading the site every day, and thousands reading the mailbag on Tuesday and Friday. 

I mean, this number is reached with ease. 

“Had a conversation with my brother recently and he revealed that he uses condoms when banging his wife. They’re in their 30s and have multiple kids. Future additions haven’t been completely ruled out, so he hasn’t been snipped yet, but they definitely don’t want another kid right now.

I asked why she isn’t on the pill and he just avoided the question. If the answer were that it makes her sick or moody or some other lame excuse women make, he definitely would have said so. Neither of them have STDs. I’m trying to come up with any other explanation that makes sense, but all I can figure is that she just doesn’t want to take the pill.

What percentage of grown-ass, STD-free, married fathers of multiple children are using condoms when banging their wives? It’s hard enough for a guy like that to get laid, but the odds are even lower when you throw in needing to have a rubber ready, quickly getting it on before your old-man boner goes away, and going to all the trouble to dispose of it where your kids won’t find it. All because she doesn’t want to take the pill? I’m putting his over/under and 1.5 times per month and taking the under. Help me make sense of this.”

The only way to make sense of it is this — women control all sex in marriage. 

Whatever the woman wants, the woman gets.

So I’d like to say I’m surprised about a married guy with multiple kids using condoms, but the reason he does it is because his wife says so.

For instance, my wife made me an appointment with the snipping doctor recently — which I’ll probably miss, I have missed the last four doctor’s or dentist’s appointments I have had — and I actually tried to negotiate on this and told her I would get snipped if she would agree to an average of 2.5 sex acts per week for the next five years. 

She countered with zero sex acts if I don’t get snipped so we’re at a standstill here. 

I’m nervous about getting snipped because what happens if there’s a horrible disease that rampages through the entire world and only me and Charlotte McKinney survive. And it’s up to us to be the Adam and Eve of the new world. And I can’t have a baby with her because my wife made me get snipped and there’s no one alive to reverse the process.

Then I’d be letting the entire world down.

“My question is twofold. I recently got engaged. She’s truly the girl of my dreams: smoking hot, smart, funny, you know… The full package. (Side note: I feel like every dude says that about his girl, & it bugs the shit out of me because you see a picture of the girl this guy is talking about and you think to yourself… Dude, you can’t be fucking serious, right? But, here I am saying it. I’d include a picture as proof, but, you know… The whole anonymous thing.)

I’m wondering… What’s the benchmark or milestone that dudes reach in a relationship that says it’s time to put a rock on her finger? I like to quantify things, and it bugs me that no one seems to really be able to quantify love. I think most intelligent dudes think in percentages, right? So, along with a specific milestone, what percentage of certainty does an intelligent dude pass, in regards to their relationship with a girl (or guy), that signifies it’s time to make it a forever thing?

Also, here’s some math for you… I can get a draft beer at SAMS for $3.00. If I didn’t buy an engagement ring, I could have bought 4,700 beers. That’s so much beer, I’ve literally had dreams about what I would do with that much beer instead of a diamond that I don’t even get to wear. I could parade around like a total rockstar giving free beer to everyone I see for at least, like, a year.”

There is absolutely no way to quantify when to buy an engagement ring. It’s impossible. Unless, that is, your fiancee is a billionaire heiress and you find out she’s got a personal trainer with a Pringles dick. 

Lock that shit down, now! 

I feel like lots of guys have this question and it’s totally a leap of faith. The one big decision in your life, honestly, when a guy has to rely entirely on his emotions. Because marriage is the only thing pretty much every guy does that would be insanely stupid as a purely business decision. Like imagine your buddy entered into a business partnership and these were the terms:

It’s for life and you agree to split all assets regardless of what your partner is bringing to the partnership. So if you make a million dollars a year and he or she makes $25,000 then combined you each make half of 1.025 million. You’re equal in all respects. If, at any point, you decide to end the life long relationship then you’re responsible for maintaining your former partner’s lifestyle for a set period of years and/or he or she also receives half of your assets gained from outside the partnership activities, potentially including your house, regardless of what he or she actually contributed to the partnership’s revenue or success.

You’d be like, “Dude, this is the worst contract I’ve ever seen in my life. You can’t sign this. No court would ever enforce these terms, they’re unconscionable.” 

Except we pretty much all do it, welcome to marriage. 

I do love, however, the quantification of the engagement ring cost into beers. Remember this when she throws the ring at you for being an asshole about wedding planning and you’re climbing around in the grass looking for the ring. 

“With the prevalence of ink today, is it considered a fetish that I like tattoo free porn?”

Probably, but I’m with you here.

I actually find women with tattoos much less attractive than women without tattoos. Plus, if I’m watching a pornhub video about lesbian MILF doubles tennis partners, do I really believe that the hot milfs in the country club locker room having group sex with each other are all going to have huge tattoos covering their entire backs?

Of course not.

That’s so unrealistic. 

Totally takes me out of the story. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, total anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.