Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, so that means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, send your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity assured. 

Here we go:

“The vast majority of the guys in my office, including me, are single twentysomethings and therefore, we like to go out a couple nights a week and act like idiots. We have jobs that are high-income but also high-stress and it’s nice to loosen up a bit after 5. Occasionally, some of the married guys will join us for a couple drinks before heading home to their families. The other night, one of the married guys in our office joined us for a few rounds. We both ended up in the bathroom at the same time.

There’s only one urinal because this bar is shit and so he goes first and I follow up. Being a single guy looking to do something stupid, I pull out my phone while I’m pissing and flip through Tinder. Who else is the first chick to pop up but this dude’s wife?

Now keep in mind, this guy went to college with me and now we work together. I’ve known him for like 7 years. I’ve been on numerous double dates (terrible idea) with him and his wife. I’m pretty close to this guy. And I’m standing there pissing while he’s washing his hands and his wife is on my Tinder. I swiped left, because fuck that.. but what’s my move here? Do I tell him I saw his wife on a hookup app? Holy shit.”

First, if his wife is hot it’s always possible, likely even, that someone is using her photos on Tinder and she has no idea. That is, stolen photos are a big issue on these dating apps and it’s not uncommon for someone to try to be something they’re not. Especially when hot girls are involved.  

So that’s my first guess as to what has happened here. 

Because even if this wife wanted to cheat on him, how many married women are on Tinder using their real profile pictures to meet totally strange dudes? That just seems like a risk that the vast majority of married people, particularly women, wouldn’t undertake. Not to mention, what’s the payoff? Anonymous sex with random dudes. Do you really think it’s that hard for attractive women to have anonymous sex? 

So I probably would have matched with her and then looked at the other photos if she matched with you to see if the girl was the same in all of them. If she didn’t match with you then either of two things happened: 1. his wife saw you and panicked and knows she’s caught because she saw you’d matched with her or 2. it’s not the same person and they just didn’t like your looks. (Sorry). 

If the “wife” matches with you and it isn’t her then you can determine that pretty quickly via text conversation and then you’ve managed to turn yourself into a hero here. Because then you’re getting a fake profile shut down and ending the possibility that anyone thinks this woman is trying to cheat on her husband on Tinder. You probably get a date with your buddy’s wife’s hottest single friend.

And, again, YOU’RE A HERO.   

Either way I don’t think I would tell your buddy about this until I’d seen the full profile. 

But if you do decide to tell him I would tell him that someone has stolen his wife’s picture and is trying to meet dudes with it on Tinder. Just convey it that way as if you know there’s no way possible that she could ever be on Tinder. That way your buddy doesn’t feel like you’re calling his wife a huge harlot.  

“My buddies and I would love to know how Bill Clinton is getting laid, or to quote Colin Powell, “dicking bimbos”? What’s the process? Are they all working girls? The logistics of this would be a fascinating documentary. Can you provide some analysis?”

I wonder about this myself. How in the world is Clinton continuing to bang women at his age and none of them are going public? We saw what happened to Tiger Woods, wouldn’t you expect for Clinton, given his voracious dicking bimbos habit, to have banged someone who goes public with the tryst for money? I mean, that would be a huge story during Hillary’s presidential campaign.

Hell, it might even cost her the election if she finally had to divorce Bill after all these years.  

It’s unbelievable to me that this hasn’t happened to Bill Clinton in decades, not since Monica, anyway. 

Moreover, given that he has a secret service detail, wouldn’t all these women have to be wanded and put through a metal detector when they come over to bang Clinton? So how can you possibly keep these affairs a secret? The secret service has to know, right? (By the way, is there a more Bill Clinton story possible than terrorists enlisting the hottest woman ever to try and secretly assassinate him while pretending to bang him? Can you imagine secret service agents diving into the middle of a naked romp when the terrorist tries to off him with her secret poison hidden in her pearl earrings. In fact, come to think of it, I’m fascinated by all secret service protection when it comes to sex. What’s protocol here? On the one hand you have to protect the president, on the other hand, Bill Clinton’s gonna Bill Clinton. So how do you do your job and still keep Slick Willie laying the pipe? Aren’t these mutually exclusive obligations. Related: does Clinton get to pick his personal secret service agents? If so, these have to be the shadiest secret service agents of all time. I’d love to hear their stories and how Clinton picked them).

My theory is that two things have to be at play here: 1. Clinton is only sleeping with insanely famous people now and he trusts their discretion because they have as much, or more, to lose than he does. or 2. He only bangs women after he has them sign a nondisclosure agreement that has such draconian punishments none of the women will test it. 

I love both of these options, but particularly the second one. I’m picturing Clinton sending NDA drafts back and forth with his lawyers, doubtless who are making like $2k an hour to craft a Bill Clinton sex nondisclosure agreement to protect him from his sex life going public again. 

By the way, given how prevalent sexual assault accusations are on campus now, I almost feel like there should be a sex app that both people give consent to on video and then it locks the consent videos under seal until, or if, there’s ever a question about whether there was improper sexual relations. At which point police can open up the video and view the videos if they have a warrant to investigate an alleged sexual assault.

Bang, here I am solving sexual assaults on college campuses in the anonymous mailbag.

Not all heroes wear tights.  

“I’m a married, mid-30’s father of a 8 year old boy. I’ve coached my son’s baseball team for several years and was always pretty laid back when it came to whether we win/lose or how my son performed. That all changed this year when he moved up from the developmental/everybody gets a trophy/kumbaya league to the competitive league. 

The reason for the change was my wife. 

She was always a vocal mom in the stands, but nothing out of the ordinary. Now that its “real baseball,” however, she is way too into it. When my son wins and performs well, she is in a great mood. When his team loses or he has a bad game, she’s pissed off. Oh, and the most important part, when we win or my son has a great game…..I get laid. Without exception, if the team wins my wife “rewards” me with sex. 

Now she doesn’t come out and say, “you coached the boys to victory so here’s some sex,” but it’s obvious. If we lose or my son has a bad game, I’m spending the next few nights on Pornhub. If we win, it’s a sure fire ticket to Bang City.

So here is my dilemma.  Ever since I noticed the correlation between wins and sex, I’ve spent WAY too much time practicing the hell out of my team and I’ve become a monster of a coach. Batting cages, extra practices, running laps—anything to win. And my poor son. He thinks dad really loves baseball (hint: I don’t) and loves wearing out what’s left of his rotator cuff throwing batting practice three nights a week. 

During the games all I can think about is the fact that I won’t get laid unless my kid makes a double play or the team wins. I’ve gone from ol’ good natured Houston Nutt to screaming in your face Bobby Petrino (Go Hogs). 

The good part is that we were 16-2 last year so dad was a happy camper on and off the field. The bad part is that I feel guilty about why I’m pushing my players so hard.

Should I resign myself to long trips to the bathroom with my IPad or just Nick Saban those 8 year-olds to victory?” 

Spectacular email. 

I’ve long argued that sex is the reason we don’t still live in caves. That is, think about what life would be like if women had babies without sexual activity at all. My thesis is that we would have already died out as a species because no one would have been incentivized to reach for the horizon, to take risks, to dare to be great, to leave behind the cave and domesticate a cow and a horse.

Because you can best believe that the first dude to catch and tame a horse got so much pussy he nearly died of shin splints.

The horse was the original pussy magnet.   

Just about all human achievement can be tied to the pursuit of sex or wealth and, let’s be honest, sex and wealth are pretty much inextricably intertwined. 

Ancient men understood how competition worked even when we lived in caves. There were scarce resources for men, women, and babies. Not everyone had enough to eat or a safe place to live. Pretty soon ancient men recognized that with power, possessions, and wealth the quality of woman they could sleep with increased. And so all of human evolution is basically man’s eternal quest to get better looking women to want to bang him and for women to attract the best possible men possible to bang them. The more successful of an ancient man you got, the greatest likelihood that your kids survived to adulthood.  

Honestly, that’s biology in a nutshell.

The rest is just details.  

Everyone is trying to maximize the best mate they can to allow their seed or egg to germinate into the most successful child possible. That’s what we’re here on earth for. 

Now, devoid of all life challenges, your wife is willing to bang you more if you succeed coaching little league baseball.

On its face, that’s absurd.

But from a biological perspective, it makes perfect sense. Your wife is rewarding you with sex for beating other people to a resource, little league wins. It’s the same way an ancient cave man wife would have encouraged her cave husband to go get more beaver pelts. So you could go get fire. Do you know how much better fire made a cave? Just infinitely better. 

(By the way, my wife is still doing this shit to me today. She just came upstairs and said the water in our house was too hard and so we were getting a water softener put in. I don’t even know what any of this means. Do you know what a goddamn water softener costs? Five grand! What the fuck. This is why I’m never going to be able to retire. Because I’m always paying for shit now that I didn’t even know existed until five minutes before I’m paying for it.)

Anyway, you value sex from your wife so highly that you’ve become the best possible little league baseball coach imaginable. But in so doing you might also be making the eight year olds unhappy. Because, after all, as entertaining of a television show as Nick Saban, eight year old little league baseball coach, would be, can you imagine the verbal beat downs that Saban would be raining down on these third graders? 

Age appropriate winning is a tough lesson to learn. 

So I think you have two options here:

1. Calmly discuss with your wife that it’s strange that the sex life of two adults is directly correlated to how your eight year old plays baseball and whether his team wins or not. In so doing you can suggest that the two of you should adjust your sex life accordingly.

or

2. Just win, baby.  

“Let me start by saying my husband and I love your anonymous mailbag, we read it every Tuesday together. I normally laugh when my husband quotes you in a conversation but here lately you are a thorn in my side. A little background for you… My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have four beautiful children.

That’s right I bore 4 of his spawns, oh did I mention three of them were at the SAME TIME! Thats right I gave him not one but three sons at the same damn time. Like a freaking champ might I add.

Anyways, just like your wonderful wife and all wives I long for the body I had before children. And thinking highly of your wife, after all she puts up with your gay muslim ways, I looked at my husband and said “How would you like it if my boobs looked like they did before kids?”

You know his response? Clay Travis says, “You will pay for them and someone else will enjoy them.”

This is not the response I wanted, clearly. So being a great person you are how about you inform my husband that he will greatly benefit from this procedure. Really the ratio of sex to ” I have a headache” nights will change in his favor when his wife feels more confident in her own body. 

What do you think the average gross income should be for a couple to spring for a boob job? My husband can’t go do a radio commercial for them. I personally find it a good investment for both involved parties. As always its a pleasure reading your columns and I look forward to Tuesday.”

First, your husband is misquoting me here, I have never disparaged boobs in this manner in my entire life and have never uttered that phrase in my life. That’s a total attack upon my boob-loving character and I will not stand for it. 

Second, I don’t know why every married man on earth doesn’t get his wife perfect boobs if she wants them. It’s the least we can do for you having to breastfeed.  

Every time I walk into the bathroom and see my wife topless my day gets immeasurably better. I’m not kidding about this either. I genuinely never get tired of seeing boobs. 

Ever.

Plus, you had triplets!

Three male children at once? Your husband owes you for sure.  

Now, as for the cost, I wouldn’t put boobs on a credit card and pay them off for the next twenty years at twenty percent interest rate or anything, but if you have the disposable income, I can’t think of a single reason why a couple wouldn’t want to spend that money on boobs. 

Let junior pay for his own college, dad’s going motorboating. 

“I’ve got an upcoming wedding that I’m unsure about whether or not to attend.

The guy getting married was one of my closest friends in college. Our senior year, he meets his current fiancée, After several months of “dating” I come to find out through mutual friends that she’s been banging half of Greek row, and notoriously banged a bunch of dudes at the same time in PCB for spring break (all going on while he thinks they’re dating FYI) so I decide along with two of our other good buddies, the right thing to do is tell him.

Following that discussion, which he blew up about, his friendship with our group really bottomed out, we would see him here and there for the next few years. He ends up getting engaged to this girl, and we all figured it would be a nice time to reconcile. Our invites come (to a 350+ person wedding) and they’re solo invitations. We are all 29, and engaged ourselves. Question is, do you attend this wedding?”

So you told your buddy that his fiancee banged everyone you know — including a group of dudes on spring break at the same time — he still married her, and you want to know if their wedding is the time to reconcile?

Uh, no. 

She doesn’t want you to come to the wedding either. That’s why you only got an invitation for one person and your estranged buddy had to probably fight like crazy with her for you to even get that invitation. 

Send a nice gift, but don’t go to the wedding. 

The moment you guys all told him these stories and he stayed with her, your relationship was pretty much over. 

If it’s any consolation, there’s a decent chance they get divorced and one day he’ll drunkenly thank you for trying to save him from her. But that’s in the future.

For now send him a lovely juicer off the wedding registry. 

“I recently got divorced after 14 years of marriage.  We met late in college and she has been the only person I’ve been with since.  We kept things pretty vanilla in the bedroom and didn’t try too hard to impress one another…hence the divorce.  

Now that I’m dipping my toe back in the dating game I am quite curious to know the norms of manscaping in your mid-30’s. What are women accustomed to? Are we talking scorched earth or high and tight?

The last time I was single there was no sexting, much less the likes of Tinder. I feel like I’ve been thrown into an unknown world and I don’t want to embarrass myself early on in my dating career.”

Trim your pubes high and tight, but if you’re a man don’t shave them all off unless you’re a serial killer. 

Put it this way, there has never been a woman alive who said, “Boy, I really wish he had thicker pubic hair!”

I need some help here. Right around this time a year ago I had just turned 21 and this was a big deal to me considering I did not have a fake ID my first two years of college. I could finally go out to the bars with my buddies. I had been dating my girlfriend who was a solid 9/10 for four years at the time. So my birthday comes and I have to wait around until the first thursday night that i could go out, which is a big night to go out at the SEC school that I attend. My girlfriend, who was six months younger than me at the time was unable to celebrate the bar experience with me because she did not have a fake ID. So, of course, she was not happy about me going out without her. Regardless, I was going out.

The problem here is that I got into a drunken stupor and started talking to a girl that was nowhere near her level. But, when you’re at a bar what else is there to do but talk to chicks? As the night went on, we are hitting it off pretty well and this chick decides to come back with me to my place. 

My girlfriend lives at the same apartment complex as me, but I figured she would be back at her place. As I am walking the girl into my apartment, my girlfriend is there waiting on me. Now, she was never a psycho chick, the reason she was waiting there is bec ause one of my friends who came into town to celebrate left the bar early and told her that I was talking to a girl. TOTAL bro code violation. My girlfriend, sees me with her, slaps me in the face, walks into my room and grabs everything that she had ever bought me and left. No words were spoken. The chick from the bar, astoundingly, proceeds to sleep with me even after seeing the events that had just occured.

I wake up the next morning with a hangover from hell realizing the damage that i had caused and try to contact my girlfriend. Long story short, we get back together as the weeks go by as I tried making it up to her in all ways possible. 

She still hangs that night over my head and will no longer allow me to go out with the boys for a night out unless she is there. My question here, will there ever be a point where she will let it go or something I can say to get my freedom back?” 

No. 

Once you brought a random girl home from the bar AND SHE CAUGHT YOU WITH HER IN YOUR OWN PLACE you were done. 

I can’t believe she took your loser ass back. The only way I can conceive of this being possible is if you lied to your girlfriend and told her you didn’t actually bang the random girl from the bar. (You totally lied to hear about this, didn’t you?) 

The only other possibility is that she has incredibly low self esteem and you have a huge penis and a nice apartment and can take her to Olive Garden once a week. (It’s college, that’s as rich as you can be.)

More seriously, she will never trust you again because you have proven to her that you can’t be trusted. So what could happen that cancels out the fact that she caught you coming home with a random girl. (And, as you said, it wasn’t even a random smoking hot girl. That matters, because now she knows she doesn’t even have to worry about just the hot girls, you’ll bang anything.)

Related, you are 21 years old. I’m not sure any guy can be trusted around alcohol and loose women until he’s fifty or older.

But certainly not when he’s 21.

Good luck.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.