It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.
As always, you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com, anonymity assured. (I delete all emails and immediately empty all trash as soon as they are used. Even Hillary Clinton is impressed.)
Before we get rolling any further I would encourage you guys to go read my column about the Tennessee-Virginia Tech game this past weekend. I guarantee you’re going to love it. It’s written in my “Dixieland Delight” game trips style.
Here we go with the mailbag:
In an argument the other day about my porn usage, I told my wife that I only looked at it because she wouldn’t bang me enough, and if she didn’t want me jerking off to other girls, she should 1) bang me more, which I know won’t happen, or 2) let me videotape her having sex with me so I can jerk off to HER.
To my SURPRISE AND DELIGHT she angrily agreed to the second option! So we drank some wine (a good bit of wine) with dinner, and then I set up 2 cameras in the living room, and grabbed my iPhone, and we got down to business (yes, 3 angles!).
Blowjob. Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl on the couch. Doggystyle.
THE VIDEO IS SO HOT. It’s been 3 weeks and we are sleeping together about the same as before (2-3 times per week max) AND I HAVENT LOOKED AT ANY OTHER PORN SINCE. And my wife is happy. She mostly liked how the video turned out, and once I assured her of the security of it, she was comfortable.
Should more guys propose this to their wives?”
I think you might be a genius.
I won’t look at porn if you make a porno with me is next level thinking. What percentage of wives or girlfriends agree to this deal? I think it’s probably low because I don’t think most women care that much about their husbands or boyfriends watching porn. (Or they’re watching it with them). But if your wife is categorically opposed to porn and giving you a hard time about watching it, I think you have to play this card and see what her response is.
It just might work out.
And that would be amazing.
Here we go again at Outkick, saving America’s marriages.
“My buddy got back from his brother’s bachelor party in Vegas on Sunday. Last night at our rec league soccer game, he starts telling us that over the weekend, he had a threesome with two girls he met at a club.
Hey, it’s Vegas, these things happen.
When pressed for details, he tells us that he actually met them at a strip club the party had gone to. A few of us glance at each other, and then we come to find that the girls were actually strippers, and he paid them $500 EACH for the experience. In my mind, he can never brag about this threesome because he didn’t earn it, or luck his way into it… he bought it. I told him so, and he disagrees because it physically happened. I call bullshit. What do you say? Does he have the right to talk about this for years (which he will), or has he lost the privilege? He says you can break the tie, and will defer to your judgment.”
This is the threesome equivalent of McGwire or Sosa or Bonds bragging about their home run records during the steriods era.
Your buddy juiced the threesome.
He paid $1k for two girls to bang him.
Now I’m not judging him at all — depending on how hot the girls were and how much you make that can even look like a downright steal. Plus, he admitted to paying for sex, which is a rarity. He could have just kept lying and claimed the two strippers banged him because they found him sexually irresistible. So I’m not judging the decision.
But you can’t brag about sex that you pay for, threesome or otherwise. (And, of course, I mean actually pay for sex directly. Because when you really break it down all men are paying for sex in some form or fashion. Sex is not, and has never been, free.)
By the way, I pray to God he used a condom. I don’t know how you’d be able to sleep at night if you had sex with two Vegas strippers and didn’t use a condom.
“Love your work. This is something only you could answer. A couple years ago I committed a crime. Dumb decision and it caught up to me. Non-violent, white collar crime. I confessed and am looking at less than a year in a minimum security prison. I am very lucky that my wife and family are sticking by my side. We have been married 8 years and are in our early 30’s. Having said that, my wife jokingly asked that I come up with a few guys I would allow her to sleep with in my absence. Of course I said no way! But perhaps there is a good way to address this. So I brought up having a three-way before I leave in exchange for her one night stand. Of course, this three-way would include a girl I approve of (not to mention my wife is hot as well). Considering the circumstances, is this a tit for tat or a crazy idea we need to drop?”
I would imagine that being in jail sucks in all respects.
And that one of the worst things about being in jail would be knowing that your wife is banging another dude while you try to avoid getting banged by dudes in prison.
So I think this is an awful trade for you.
For many reasons, but the one I’ll focus on is this — if you’re in jail why wouldn’t your wife just keep banging this dude if she bangs him once? I mean, the first time is the hurdle, right? Once she’s already banged this dude she might decide to keep banging him while you’re in jail. Who knows what ends up happening? Banging for women is a much more emotional experience, on average, for women than it is for men.
Meanwhile, in exchange for this you get one threesome? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’ll jerk off to this threesome a hundred or more times in prison — what else do you have to do, but jerk off? — but it’s still a bad trade for you.
By the way, if you have to go to jail for a year, you better come back out ripped as hell.
If I had to spend a year in prison I would spend all my free time in the gym and come out looking like Bane.
Also, I never, ever want to go to jail, but I am confident that if I ever went to jail I could write the best book about a dude being in jail ever written. It would definitely turn into a television show too. I’m convinced I could crush “Orange Is the New Black.”
Anyway, good luck in jail.
Email us if you can.
Remember, no one takes your cornbread.
“My brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first child. They are planning a Gender Reveal Party, where they plan to open an envelope in front of friends and family to find out if they are having a boy or girl. First, how self-centered is this deal? And, two, how long until this is classified as offensive and a microaggression, and the name is changed to “Biological Sex Reveal Party”?”
Here’s the thing I just keep coming back to, if PC Bromanis are fine with people choosing whichever gender they want to be, how can you also be opposed to people picking their race?
I mean, if you had to choose between which defines you more — your sex or your gender, wouldn’t just about everyone agree that gender defines you more than your race? That is, your sex is more significant in your day to day life than your race is? I think men have more in common with men and women have more in common with women than any single member of any single racial group has in common with every other member of that group.
So I’m fine if suddenly we’re just letting people pick whatever gender they want to be. But how can you say Rachel Dolezal can’t be black? This question just throws liberals into a PC Bromani logic pretzel. They have no idea how to respond and be logically consistent.
Anyway, I’m resigned to the fact that gender specific words like dad and mom and grandpa and grandma are going to be unacceptable one day. I can already see myself as an old dude, 85 at Thanksgiving — can you imagine what I’ll be saying once I’m an old dude?! — saying “Pass the mashed potatoes, grandma” — no one will eat animals anymore either you’ll just eat vegetables — and my own grandkids being like. “Elder human, elder human! You can’t use sexist language like that around Elder Humans! It’s elder human can you pass the potatoes?”
And fuck all of us.
And not in a good way.
Well, the first question I always tell people to ask about their job is this — would you like to have your boss’s job or your bosses boss’s job? Take salary out of the equation and ask yourself whether their job is something that has appeal to you in the years ahead.
I was fortunate because at the law firm I worked at when I graduated law school I got to see exactly what the partners in the firm did because the firm wasn’t that big. And I felt pretty confident that wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It wasn’t an awful job — far from it, it paid well and offered decent intellectual rigor — but it just wasn’t my life goal.
If you don’t want your boss’s job or your bosses boss’s job then — aside from the potential of making so much money you never have to work again — why are you doing your current job? Quit and find something else to do that you like more.
At some point in life you might have to keep a job you don’t like because of life obligations. You’ll have a family, you’ll have a mortgage, your wife won’t sleep with you without the Soul Cycle membership. These are all things that you’ll probably face in the future. But right now you shouldn’t make any decisions predicated by financial constraints.
Now is the time, before you’re married and have kids, when you can take risks without worrying about the consequences.
What’s the absolute worst thing that’s going to happen? You’re going to find another job you don’t like very much. You’re not going to starve, you’re not going to sleep in your car in a Wal Mart parking lot, if you’re a single guy or girl and you have a job it’s pretty hard not to be able to take care of yourself. So decide what you want to try and do and take your risks now.
As for your 401k?
Jesus. Don’t be a pussy, dude. #dbap
Finally, as for what I would do? I’d be doing the same thing I did when I was in my early twenties and didn’t like my job — trying to find a way to make a living by writing.
It worked out for me, it can work out for you too.
Just be prepared to work your ass off when you find something that you truly like.
“My buddy went to a lower level concession stand during the Tennessee-Virginia Tech game. He asked me to go with him. I declined his invite telling him that I was hoping to get a pic with Clay Travis. (I thought you might be on the sidelines). No offense, but I could tell by the look on his face he had no idea who I was talking about.
So later he comes back and he’s pumped because he’s got a pic of him with Bruce Smith who was in the concession line with him. Guess what he tells me?
“That dude ordered double funnel cakes!” (He attached a picture).
So Bruce Smith went double funnel cakes on Friday night in front of me in the concession stand during the Kenny Chesney concert and then went double funnel cakes again during the game on Saturday?
Absolutely legendary performance.
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