Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, you can reach me at clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. (In fact, i immediately delete all anonymous mailbag questions like the old self-destructing messages from Mission Impossible).

Here we go:

“So Clay here’s the cliffs notes version of the story, and let me go ahead and apologize for such a serious issue, basically I have primary guardianship but joint custody over my very young daughter. It came to light on the past three weeks that my ex-wife has been involved with manufacturing and using meth.

I have over 400 pages of text messages that prove this plus the fact she just came out of rehab for meth. I offered her a very nice new custody arrangement which she initially agreed to but now is refusing to sign. Here’s the question: Do I just say fuck it and turn all the evidence over to law enforcement, I paid a p.i. and former narcotics cop to look at it and he said there was more then enough to send her to prison, or do I just take her back to family court?

Also, you have to understand her family is very wealthy and will back her financially, so while I’m confident I’d get everything I wanted from a judge to protect my daughter they could easily make it pretty expensive when I have to pay my attorney to get through everything.”

You’re looking at this the wrong way, why in the world would you want this woman to have any access to your daughter at all without someone else supervising it? If she’s manufacturing and using meth — and she isn’t dying of cancer and doing it to try and provide for her family in the meantime, hello Walter White — she’s in a great deal of danger and, more importantly, so is your daughter. 

This woman doesn’t need to have unsupervised interaction with your daughter at all. 

You need to get a better attorney — and while I’m far from a family law expert — these details should be significant enough grounds to modify the custody agreements. I also don’t understand why that’s a difficult call for a judge for why this would be really expensive for you to prove. This seems open and shut. 

Get a good lawyer, and good luck. 

“Clay,

Now that my tailgate crew are in our mid 30s, most of them have kids in the 7 to newborn range, which is totally expected. As the single and childless member of the group, I need some help: What are the general rules concerning kids at a tailgate? I’m talking about an all day tailgate for a night game.

I’m not against bringing kids at all, but surely these aren’t the best places for a kid under one, right? I don’t want to be a dick to a guy I’ve been friends with since college, but how about you leave the 2 month old at home.

I assume that there’s no way I can bring up the topic without being the “single guy that hates kids and the family dynamic”, right? Any advice from a gay Muslim would be appreciated.”

You can’t say anything because you’re the guy without kids. 

But my guess here is that your guy friends are persuading their wives — who probably don’t want to bring the kid to a hot tailgate all day — that they don’t have to stop tailgating because they have kids. The problem is, you kind of do have to stop all day tailgating when you have young kids.

Now I’m not sure what the appropriate age is to bring a kid to a game because all kids are different. For instance, my wife and I took our oldest to a Tennessee game when he was less than a year old, but we were prepared to leave early — which we did — and didn’t show up and tailgate much in advance. He was fine at the game — other than the fact that he needed a ticket despite the fact that he was nine months old and in a baby bjorn on his mom’s chest. 

I’d also suggest that you definitely need those ear muffs for babies because loud noises are terrifying to young kids. When we took our boys to the Tennessee Titans games — which we would walk to from our downtown Nashville house  — we didn’t tailgate and we could leave pretty easily. Although, I was willing to strangle whoever made the decision to shoot off fireworks after each touchdown. I mean, really, is that necessary?

My dad started bringing me to UT games when I was five, but that was without my mom. I don’t think any dad should be trusted with a kid under five at a football game without a woman present.   

The easiest answer here is, get a babysitter. I’ve never breastfed — though I do have the man boobs for it — but I’d imagine that doing it at a tailgate when it’s 95 degrees out and everyone is drinking but you, is close to the worst possible experience.

I don’t think kids should be at all day tailgates until they’re old enough to go the actual games. And one of my buddies has a good theory on this too — bigger the game, the bigger the kid has to be to go to the game. Which leads to this awesome sentence, “He’s still at an out-of-conference age. Hasn’t gotten big enough for SEC games yet.” 

“Last night, my dad forwarded me some emails from his golf group’s chain. Two members of the group had a continuous 11 year betting match going. The lifetime record stood 383-381 at the end of last year’s season. Unfortunately, one of the members passed away this summer and won’t be here to defend his 2 game lead this season. However, his son sent the group an email last night with his bets that he prepared prior to his death.

“To my Dearest Sweet Piggy Lips,
If you are reading this, two things have happened. First, I have long departed your world for a more heavenly experience. Second, Football season is upon us.

As agreed, these are the current odds from ScoresAndOdds. If my son did as I instructed, I should be hanging out in the sand dunes in front of my beach house, feel free to come visit some time Bison Butt. I look forward to seeing you again one day! Good luck on your bets and RTR, you hear.”

We’ll see how he does this weekend. My question is which bets will you still be questioning on your death bed? I’m sure you’ll have other things on your mind, but I know there are several back door covers that will haunt you to the grave.”

Two things stand out from this email:

1. Old dudes have weird nicknames for each other. 

2. It probably says a lot about me that I’m borderline tearing up at the idea of a guy who knows he’s dying wanting to make sure he gets his bets in for one last season. (Also, that he wants to send a post-death trash talk email).

I honestly don’t think I’ll be questioning my bad beats. When it comes to gambling, I have the memory of a star defensive back. Where I get upset is when I think of the stocks I didn’t buy.  

Why am I so goddamn stupid for not buying UnderArmour, Apple or Netflix stock?

“A few weeks ago a buddy of mine who attends an ACC school visited me for the weekend at my SEC school. Long story short, we’re at the bar Saturday night and meet a girl in a wheelchair. I don’t remember the specifics, but the girl had some kind of muscle deficiency that required her to travel around in a wheelchair.  

We talk to her for a few minutes, and go our separate ways. The next day (Sunday), my buddy tells me he’s now staying Sunday night and wants to go out again. Its Sunday before the first day of classes, but that doesn’t really matter. Its just syllabus week. Fast forward to that night and the girl in the wheelchair shows up. My buddy is isolated at the bar with her while I’m talking to a friend probably 30 feet away. A couple hours pass and I go to the restroom. When I walk out what do I see? My buddy is wheeling the girl out the front door of the bar. My other friend and I call an Uber and arrive back at the house 5 minutes later. Sure enough, there’s a wheelchair accessible van sitting in front of our driveway. He was hammered, so she had to have drove the van home.

According to my buddy the next morning, the deed was done and mission accomplished. Over the past few weeks he’s been battling with whether or not he’s a bad person. I’ve told him of course he is, but not because of this event. If she enjoyed the night (especially the 3 inches and 30 seconds), then I contend that he did a good deed. What is your opinion of the situation? Does taking home a girl in a wheelchair on a Sunday night make him that much more of a degenerate? We’re all anxiously awaiting your opinion.”

I’m filled with so many different questions here: Was the girl in the wheelchair totally sober? Did she take advantage of your drunk buddy? Does this make her a sexual predator?

What if she’s always sober wheeling around SEC bars all over the South snagging drunk dudes and driving them back in her handicap van for a night of carnal pleasure? Honestly, this movie needs to be made by Tim Burton. Johnny Depp can play your buddy.

Any time his decision is questioned, I’d advise him to say, “Hey, girls in wheelchairs need loving too.” I’d stick to that line more completely than Donald Trump sticks to making America great again.  

“What percentage of people do you think complete the shit wiping process, 100%? People who stand and wipe certainly don’t, I’m thinking like a 70% completion percentage for these folks. As well as the “crumplers”-this group is 50% at best. Folding is a must. I think 60% of people out there have a lot of leftovers. I feel this is a serious, not often spoken about topic.”

I think most people are really bad at wiping their asses. It starts at an early age, neither of my boys are good butt wipers, which makes me feel like I’ve failed as a parent. But how old can a kid be and you still wipe his ass for him?

Yesterday we were at the pool and my four year old is scratching his ass like crazy and I ask him what’s the matter and he says, because four year olds answer all questions honestly, “I didn’t get all the poo, but I think the pool will make it better.”

So you’re all welcome for that. 

Personally, I think bidets need to become common in American bathrooms. You know the bidet, right, it’s like a water fountain for your ass. I also would encourage the post poo shower. If you can time your poo in the vicinity of the time that you would be taking a shower, I find that much more cleanly than just relying on toilet paper. 

“I am getting married in May. (Spare me of the “Dude, what are you doing?” Jokes. It’s amazing how many guys say something along those lines.) We are both 26 and have dated for about 5 years. She is my dream girl and I couldn’t be happier. She’s hot. Loves sports. Has a great sense of humor. She’s perfect. The only knock is the sex drive doesn’t always seem to be there. Yeah we have sex regularly but not everyday. Never anything remotely kinky. And pretty regularly she is “too tired”. We are both 26 so I feel like we should be at the peak of our sex lives. Is it downhill from here?”

Yes.