Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the most popular weekly “sports” column on the Internet — the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

Oh, and go read my article about how I lost $50k in pants if you haven’t already.

Okay, here we go:

“The much heralded greatest opening day in CFB history is almost here. My friends and I are professionals in a big city in our mid-30s. We have turned CFB opening Saturday into a sacred holiday (only topped by opening weekend of the World Cup every 4 years). We’re a mix of Big Ten and SEC alums so CFB is a religion to us.

When we were in our mid to late 20s prime, opening day was a fun debauchery filled mess that included early morning beer pong at one of our apartments before the bars opened, then devolved into heavy drinking in the afternoon and usually culminated with random bar hook ups in the evening. Unfortunately, over the years, our tolerances have diminished since we’re all either in serious relationships, married or have kids. We all also have more demanding roles in our respective careers than we had back then. Every year the party gets shorter and tamer.

But now, with such a great slate of games, we are thinking of treating opening day the way we treated it when we were in our mid to late 20s (sans the random hookups obviously). So, the plan is a 14 hour 10am-12am bender that includes at least 5 to 6 bars. Is this overly ambitious considering where we are in our lives? If so, how do we survive a day like this physically? Any food and beverage recommendations? How do we pace ourselves? How do we prepare in the days leading up to opening day? How do we survive a day like this without jeopardizing our relationships and careers?

Since you are one of the top Bro thought leaders in America, we need a CFB opening Saturday survival guide from you.”

You hit on it — the key is pacing. 

You’re all going to be so excited about the day that you’re likely to come out of the gate too fast and lose control early. That’s bad. What you want is a nice, consistent buzz for about ten hours that turns into a happy drunkenness as the night progresses. 

With that in mind, here would be my five suggestions:

1. NO SHOTS. 

Yeah, it seems fun to throw back a bunch of shots together — and inevitably once of your friends will decide to order them — but this is a bad move. Because one dude buys shots and then someone else buys shots and you’re all too manly to not take a shot — seriously, how old do you have to be as a dude before you can comfortably wave off shots bought for the group? 85? — and pretty soon you’re all way too drunk.

So don’t drink shots.  

2. Stick to beer early.

And not like some 10% alcohol infused high gravity beer either. Just basic Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Michelob Ultras. The lightest beers imaginable. Sure, some beer snobs may judge you, but you’re going for heavy volume here, leave the microbrews to the hipsters in skinny jeans.  

If you must go mixed drinks later in the day, that’s fine, but I’d stick to beer all day if I was you because you never have any idea how strong the mixed drinks are. It’s a total crapshoot how much liquor is in the drink, especially after you’ve been drinking all day. 

3. Eat, eat, eat!

There needs to be food on your table all day. Eating nachos or wings or pizza throughout the day will help stabilize your alcohol intake. It will also fill your stomach up and help to balance out the massive amounts of alcohol you’ll be consuming.

You aren’t in a race here, this is about managing to last for 14 hours or more while drinking.

You don’t want to pull a Clay Travis and show up at the front door of your home, barefoot, at 3 in the morning after a day of drinking at Steeplechase.

At 34 years old. 

Your wives will not be pleased.

4. WATCH THE GAMES and switch bars.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but sometimes if you drink too much you forget about watching the games. If you’re watching the games and engrossed in the outcome, your drinking pace slows down. 

There are great games going on all day, just do what you came to do, watch the games! 

I also like the idea that you guys are going to more than one bar.

That’s key.

Because you can’t sit down and stay sitting down for a long time in one bar because you lose control of how much you’ve been drinking. How often have you found yourself in a bar and you sit down for a long time and then stand up to go the bathroom and suddenly realize, “Woah, I’m really drunk?”

If you move around, you have a better sense for how much you’re drinking. 

Another good test — can you easily place a bet on your iPhone? If you have trouble manipulating your fingers and scrutinizing the screen for halftime lines, you need to take a break from drinking. 

5. Peak in drunkenness around 12:30 et, just as the big games all end and then cut yourself off.

This way you’re beginning the long climb to sobriety as the bar winds down. Just nurse a single beer for the final hour or so in the bar.  

Note, this is when you will be tempted to do shots. 

Don’t do those shots if you want to recover the next day. The older you get the more dangerous shots after midnight become. Especially if you’ve already been drinking all day. 

Last, but not least, and this is probably the most important, no one drives anywhere all day. 

Uber or cab it to your meet up and Uber home when the night is over. Don’t even get in your car and take it anywhere. 

It’s too risky. 

Godspeed. 

Also, pay for the night playing Outkick’s ten guaranteed winners for week one.

For me, I’m not leaving my house on week one because I don’t want to miss any of these games. 

Outkick will, however, be in Bristol the next weekend for Woodstock meets college football when Tennessee plays Virginia Tech. 

“I have a situation with one of my buddies that I am at an absolute loss with. One of my best friends was married to a gal this past spring. We will refer to this couple as Bill and Shirley. Myself and the rest of our friends despise this gal.  Also, none of our wives like her either. We all warned him of the miserable life he could potentially lead if he were to proceed with the nuptials. He did not heed our warnings and went ahead with the marriage. Well this past weekend, after Bill had been drinking all day, he and Shirley got into a fight at a friend’s house. Well in the middle of the argument, Shirley takes the beer out of his hand, throws it across the yard and then jacks him across the face. 

We are talking Ali to Sonny Liston.    

What the Hell?!? Bill’s brother got in between them like he would get in between two dudes getting ready to fight and it was broken up. Shirley said she was going to stay at her parents and it was thought to be the end of it. The party then moved to another friend’s house and drinking continued.  

Well I guess Shirley was texting Bill and he would not answer her. So lo and behold, she shows up at the new party. The argument picks back up where it left off… and she throws a right cross again. Bam! Down goes Frazier. Again, she was asked to leave the party and Bill was taken inside to the couch.  

So my question is this… What is my play here? Do I intervene and tell Bill to leave this crazy girl? I’ve tried to tell him a million times not to be with her, but he never listens. After all, he is a big boy and is free to make his own decisions. There are several other factors in this soap opera that may (or may not) be worth mentioning.  1) Bill is from a very wealthy family. We all think that she is just in it for the money. We tried to get him to have a pre-nup, but he wouldn’t.  2) She outweighs him by at least 50 lbs. That is not an exaggeration. I am legitimately concerned for his safety.  Also, I’m worried about what if he were to retaliate one of these days and he ends up in jail and she divorces him and takes him to the cleaners.  3) Shirley is one of my son’s teachers.  This is probably the least important, but I think it definitely adds color to the story.  Does this kind of stuff happen outside of SEC states? I am really worried about my buddy Bill and how this could turn out for him.  What can his friends do to make this situation better?”

They need to get divorced now. Whatever you can do to facilitate this decision, it’s a good move. 

Your friend has only been married for a year and they have no kids. She would get virtually no money if he divorces her. So don’t let finances be the hang up. 

If you get divorced before you have kids, it’s basically like the marriage never happened. Both parties can go on with their lives and end up in happier places. They need to end this now before they make the situation worse and end up having kids. I feel like I’ve said this a thousand times, but it bears repeating: if your marriage is already tenuous adding kids to that marriage is like pouring gasoline on a raging fire, it just makes things worse.

KIDS DO NOT SAVE MARRIAGES — THEY END THEM!

It sounds ridiculous, but have you thought about calling the cops if she hits him again and getting her arrested for domestic violence? She outweighs him by 50 pounds if he’d done what she did, everyone would agree he should be in jail, why should she be able to hit him with impunity?

If you don’t feel comfortable calling the cops, how about telling his parents what you witnessed? I can’t imagine his mom is going to think this is a good idea if she hears those details. Moreover, if his wife is behaving like this in public, what’s she doing in private?

The moment public violence is connected to a relationship I think all friends and family are obligated to do everything they can to ensure the marriage ends. That’s indefensible. 

Also, SHE’S AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER?!

Good luck.  

“My buddies and I are frequent readers of the Anonymous Mailbag. After last week’s entry of the guy who potentially got a happy ending from his GF’s mom we got to talking. Now none of us married men would accept a happy ending (at least I don’t think they would). But what’s the protocol on a masseuse giving an unsolicited happy ending? If you have no intention of paying or tipping extra for it are you obliged to stop it right away? Or is this just to guarantee a return visit? Also what’s the going rate for an unsolicited happy ending? We need your gay Muslim infinite wisdom.”

This is like the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” when Larry stops the happy ending after a couple of pumps. 

I’ve never gotten a massage in my life so I don’t have any idea what the experience is like, but I would think that has to cost, what, $150 extra? (I don’t even know what a massage from a reputable masseuse costs so this is hard to value.)

As for what a married man should do, stop it. As for how many men stop an unsolicited hand job in the middle of a massage like Larry David did? It has to be a low number. 

“This summer I interned in a big city for a company with one other intern who happened to be a decent looking girl. The company put us up in the same apartment complex – so basically we just moved to this big city and we live a few doors down from one another – essentially the universe wanted us to bang.

The first weekend rolls around and we go out and then head back to my place after for a few cool down beers. Anyway, we end up hooking up and in the middle of it she says: “Please don’t judge me….can you choke me?” This isn’t the first time a girl asked to be choked so I didn’t think it was a big deal. I start choking her and eventually she tells me to do it harder. I oblige again. 

The next day we are out golfing and she is wearing a normal golf polo with her neck exposed and oh my dear lord she had the nastiest bruises from the night before. I mean these things are black and blue and you can clearly see the grip marks where my hand was. Now this kinda bothered me. We kept meeting people and she always explained that she was new in town and we lived next to each other so everyone knew that I was either abusing her or choking her during sex.

This brings me to the question – is this acceptable now to just have bruises on your neck from choking? I mean this girl wasn’t even phased by it. Is this stuff so common now that is ingrained in our society? If you saw a college aged girl with bruises on her neck do you think of abuse or freaky sex first? Also how many girls do you think liked to be choked? My sample size is 2/10. Thank god she covered them up by work on Monday or there would have been some awful rumors going on about us. Anyway any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.”

20% of the girls you’ve hooked up with have wanted you to choke them?! Is choking girls during sex really that common? Am I just totally out of touch? I’ve never once heard of a girl admitting to liking this or heard of a guy telling me he’s been asked to do this. 

I would personally draw the line here because I’d think I was getting set up like Doogie Howser in “Gone Girl.” Especially since this was the first time you hooked up with her, it’s not like you guys were in a relationship. 

I’m all for anything sexual so long as it involves: two consenting adults and couldn’t lead to death or imprisonment. But here’s the deal: you could definitely go to jail for this if she went to police. I mean, what are the odds that you can successfully explain away choking bruises on her neck if she goes to authorities?

Even if it’s true, would a jury buy the defense of, “She wanted me to choke her.”

If you keep hooking up with this girl, I’d be tempted to get her on text message or email admitting that she has been asking for the choking. Because absent some record of her freaky sex requests most people would just consider you to be an abuser.

She may be perfectly normal — and I hope she is — but you’re putting yourself in a dangerous position by choking her during sex.  

“Is there anything worse than a high school reunion that is planned to span an entire weekend? How about planning a high school reunion over a holiday weekend? Or how about… a high school reunion with planned events for an entire holiday weekend culminating with a CASH BAR riverboat (no table games though) party on a Sunday night? Did I mention my wife is pregnant and due with our first child in late October?

I firmly believe the upside in going to this game vastly outweighs any flak I would get from my wife for going and “half-ditching” her HS reunion… I say half because I’d be back in town by early-mid afternoon on Sunday… plenty of time to attend the cash bar boat ride from hell with my nearly 8 months pregnant wife (I can’t believe I’m even typing this)… That said, how do I make this happen in a way that no one gets pissed off, Clay? How do I navigate these treacherous waters? I feel like there is a very narrow path to get this done and I wanna be careful with my words, but also not waste too much time because I can’t imagine the game ticket (and the plane tickets) will be available for much longer with the game less than 2 weeks away. I need a one-time Friday Night Lights Coach Taylor level pitch to get my wife on board with this. Seal Team Clay, GO!”

I don’t think this is a tough call. 

Your wife knows most everyone at her reunion already and I guarantee there will be other people ditching the reunion for college football games on Saturday afternoon and night. She just tells her friends you went to LSU-Wisconsin with your brother and that you’ll be at the event on Sunday night. 

That’s an easy explanation for why the husband who knocked her up can’t make it to the reunion. 

Here’s what I would do to balance it out. 

I’d book a mini-babymmon for the next weekend. It’s late, but find somewhere fun the two of you can easily drive to. Other than the UT-Virginia Tech game in Bristol September 10th is a really crappy college football day. So think of something she’d like to do — that an 8 month pregnant woman can do — and then do it with her for the weekend.

You’re not going to be able to go far, but find something within a two hour drive of your house and book it for her. Then surprise her with it before the reunion. If she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t feel like a trip at all, you still made the effort.

Enjoy Lambeau. 

“Clay, I’m a huge believer in your theory that watching the bachelor(ette) will get you at least four more sexual encounters a year. I love coming into work the day after an episode because every girl wants to discuss it with me. The return on investment for 2 hours a week has to be almost as good as Twitter when they get bought out.

As a male who struggles talking to women, I’ve found this is easiest ice breaker there is. My question is, how should one go about discussing this outside of work? Should I go with “you look a lot like (insert name) from the bachelor(ette)? or is this just a pathetic ice breaker? What should be the go-to icebreaker for single men? I feel like a lot of guys struggle at this and we need the wise words of a gay muslim with great hair.”

This weekend out at the bars I would go with: “Better contestant for next season’s bachelor Ryan Lochte or Chad?”

Name your first kid after me. 

You’re welcome.