Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can send your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com

Here we go:

Let me start by saying that the Anonymous Mailbag is the greatest thing that has ever hit the Internet.

About 2 weeks ago, I went to get a haircut on my lunch break. (Keep in mind I had already had lunch before I sat down in the chair) I sit down in the chair, and am getting my hair cut while the barber talks about all the weird things barbers talk about. All of the sudden it hits me: “Oh my God, I am going to shit on myself in this chair.”

The hair cut goes on, and my pains slowly start to diminish. While I was sitting in the chair, I had decided that I’d be able to make it through the cut and would just use their restroom when I was done. I get up out of the chair, and it was a miracle, I didn’t feel like I was going to shit myself. I decided to get in my truck and go back to work instead of using their restroom. BIG MISTAKE.

As I’m driving down the road, the pains return, and it is much, much worse than the first set of pains that came thundering through. The only thing that came to my mind was Walgreens… “Move, cars, I have to shit.” I get in Walgreens, and yell “BATHROOM?!?!” The more than kind cashier says, “Straight down aisle 3 in the back.” I get in the bathroom, and there is a kid in the stall. This bathroom has one urinal and one stall. I knock on the door after waiting for about 3 minutes and say, “Hey, buddy, you’re going to have to hurry.” His response…. “I can’t. It won’t come out.”

At this point, I have two options: 1. Shit in my pants and let it run down my legs and into the floor, or 2. Pop a squat in the urinal. I went with the latter. Maybe the only good thing that happened to me during this entire process was that no one walked in during this time. I wiped with some paper towels, and I left. I got in my truck and felt very, very guilty. It was heavily weighing on my conscious. After considering what to do for about 15 minutes, I decided I needed to tell someone. I went back inside and asked the cashier if they currently had a manager on duty, and she said, “Yeah, he’s in the men’s bathroom cleaning up a mess.”

I walk in, and he says, “Hey bud, you may want to use that stall right there, someone made a pretty big mess in this urinal.” “Yeah, man, I know. It was me. I’m sorry. It was either in the floor or in the urinal. I’ll clean it up if you want me to.” His face was absolutely priceless. He said, “I don’t want you to clean this up. I’m not even going to tell you the places I’ve taken a shit in my life. Get out of here.”

My question(s): Should I have gone back in and told them? What would you have done? Obviously, your opinions are always right.”

The most amazing thing about this story is the manager’s reaction, “I’m not even going to tell you the places I’ve taken a shit in my life.”

WE NEED HIS POOP STORIES.

How incredible must they be for him to find it completely normal that someone shit in the urinal?

Also, you should 100% absolutely, positively never have returned to that Walgreen’s for the rest of your life. 

“Fantasy Football season is upon us and my office pool faces a dilemma. Our commissioner has openly cheated each of the past two seasons. By cheating I mean collusion with another manager, one-sided trades (LeSean McCoy and Dez Bryant for Harry Douglas, Ray Rice and a Chipotle burrito bowl in ’13, then Shaun Hill and a burrito bowl for Peyton Manning last year) and suspending one contender the two weeks before the playoffs for protesting these trades. Basically he’s the Sepp Blatter of fantasy football if Sepp Blatter was infatuated with Chipotle.

Our solution was to start the office league with a new commish this year, but this guy is now bribing people around the office with burrito bowls if they’ll join his league again. He’s a lot of fun to play with when he’s not cheating, what should we do?”

Some people would say you fight corruption by refusing to engage in it, I think that’s naive. 

I think you out corrupt him. 

Buy Chipotle for the entire office’s lunch one day, but before anyone can eat insist on taking the vote for a new fantasy football league commissioner with your preferred candidate in charge of doling out Chipotle.

Voila, Chipotle-barrel spending.  

“I’m a 30 year old (ex)criminal. I was prosecuted for felony possession of a controlled substance at (young age). To make a long story short, I changed my life around, enrolled in community college at 26, then went to Alabama. Yes, I’m soon to be a very proud member of the 15%. Now I’m about to graduate. I am in the process of getting a pardon from the state, but the felony will stay on my record until Alabama passes an expungement law.

So my question is what should a person in my shoes do? I want to apply for law school, but I’m scared of the background check. I haven’t worked in 6 years because of school and lack of opportunities for people with felonies. The American drug laws are so draconian, it feels like I’m stuck in a box 6 years later for a handful of pills. Any advice would help!”

I think you have two options here. The first is to address your arrest in the law school essay and explain that this is why you want to go to law school — because you believe that there are many young men — and women — just like you, people who get caught up in the criminal justice system and struggle to rehabilitate themselves. You want to be the lawyer that you didn’t have when you were younger because you feel like you can connect better with people in these situations than most lawyers can. I think that’s a compelling story if the right admissions counselor reads it. But it could also be a death blow to you if the wrong admissions counselor reads it. You just don’t know how it will play.  

So that’s why the second option is — don’t mention your felony at all. I don’t think most law schools are in the business of running criminal background checks on their applicants and I think it’s unlikely you’d get caught during the application process. While you’re in law school you could work to get your felony conviction expunged, but you would have to disclose that conviction on your bar exam application.

Someone who knows the rules on bar admission as they pertain to felonies at young ages could discuss the potential impact below in the comments. But I don’t believe an expunged conviction — if disclosed — would disqualify you from becoming a lawyer.   

“I work in a multi-tenant office building (for the 85% in Alabama and West Virginia, that means more than one business in the same office building) outside of (edited). This particular office building has a small weight room on the bottom floor, complete with men and women’s locker rooms. I use the gym a couple of mornings a week, shower, and head to my office.

A couple of weeks ago, I get to the locker room (EMPTY ROOM), I’m lacing up my shoes and have my headphones in. I noticed when I walked in that the shower was already running. THERE IS ONLY ONE SHOWER IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. **important fact**

While I’m lacing up my shoes, I notice a guy get out of the shower. I recognize the guy, he works out at the same time pretty often. I nod, and go about my own business. Not 2 seconds later, another guy emerges from the same shower big smile on his face. I do not recognize this guy. He walks by me and smacks the other guy on the ass and laughs. Needless to say, I quit lacing my shoes and just head into the gym.

Now, I’m not homophobic, I’ve got plenty of close friends and family members who are gay. That really isn’t my issue. My issue is that there is ONLY ONE SHOWER in this locker room. I mean, locker room showers in and of themselves are gross enough. Why would anyone go out of their way to have sex in a locker room that has only one shower?”

First, what would your reaction have been if the guy you knew walked out first and then two seconds later a gorgeous girl walked out of the shower naked behind him? You’d consider it an incredible start to your morning, right? You might even bring it up with that guy at some point in the future. So it’s not necessarily the sex, it’s the gay sex. (To be fair, you might also have an issue if the girl wasn’t attractive. So maybe what we’re learning here, once again, is that the rules of ordinary life don’t apply to hot chicks). 

Having said that, I get your discomfort, the last thing you want to be doing in the morning is using a shower after two dudes just went at it inside. (I hope you didn’t forget your shower shoes that morning.) This is what happens, by the way, when two men are in a relationship and have the same sex drive. No one talks the other out of wild sex. You know all the freaky stuff that you’d be totally fine with doing but your wife or girlfriend isn’t okay with doing? Gay dudes do it.  

Ready for a crazy sex stat? The average straight man has five sexual partners in his life. (This was a stat before Tinder, but how depressing is that?). The average gay guy has over fifty lifetime sex partners. So gay guys have ten times the number of sex partners as straight men.

Ten times!

This is why I’m gay. 

“I’m writing to you as a newlywed. I’m adjusting to the married life but I’ve run into a problem. My wife hates when I read late at night as we are laying in bed. Unfortunately, late at night is when I do most of my reading. The light isn’t what upsets her, but just the thought that I’m awake while she’s trying to sleep. I’ve even tried using my kindle instead of actual books but she still complains. Last night we were getting it on but I couldn’t stop thinking about Nick Saban’s new biography. All I wanted to do was start reading it. I had no other choice. I let out a fart that rivals the sound of Death Valley, Kyle Field, and Neyland on Saturday nights. She immediately rolled off of me, while spewing a string of expletives, and called it a night. I told myself, “YES!, now I can start reading about Nick Satan!” I read several chapters until my eyes couldn’t stay open any longer. Here’s where I need help, Clay. How in the world do I convey my message to my wife that reading is a big deal to me?”

I had the issue with my wife when we first got married and the way “we” solved it was I read somewhere else. 

Now she reads in bed too. Sometimes while I’m trying to go to sleep. 

The marriage life lesson here is pretty simple — your wife eventually will get whatever she wants, even if it’s the exact opposite of what she initially wanted. 

“Hey Clay,

So my girlfriend and I were driving home the other day, talking about boobs, when she calmly suggests what might be one of the most weirdly interesting and important unasked questions in a man’s life.

“If you could choose any one liquid to come out of your girls boobs forever, what would it be? Yes, you would have access to it.”

Uhhhhh. What? I kind of did a double take at first just in sheer bewilderment of both the question itself and the fact that it came from my girlfriend’s mouth. but then the more I thought about it, the more unsure I was of what my own answer would be.

Think about it. You really could go a few different ways here. Now, the emphasis here is the fact that it’s your girl’s boobs (so you couldn’t just think of one liquid and apply it to all of womanhood) and the fact that you get unlimited access. If you take it at face value, you’ve got to pick alcohol right? What guy wouldn’t want to have access to his favorite beer, whiskey or wine (for free) on a regular basis? Imagine the situations – on the couch watching TV, want a drink? It’s right there for you. Out at a party and need a quick nip? Find a discreet empty room and boom, you’re covered. Post sex bliss? Yup. The possibilities are endless.

There’s something a little healthier like juice or milk, but what fun is that? I’d much rather enjoy a vanilla milkshake or whiskey ginger.

But, that got me thinking even more. What if this question had another qualifier and you had to choose one liquid to come out forever instead of just a one-time thing? Your answer would have to change drastically, right? Maybe some people would still enjoy getting smashed off tit whiskey forever, but you’re not going to want something like that all the time. That’s when I think the healthier options like water, milk and juice come back into play. What if you’re trying to make breakfast but you used all the milk a day before? “Hey honey can you come over and fill up my cereal bowl real quick?” Done. What if you’re out hiking and you’ve drained your water bottle in the first half mile? You don’t want to be locked into having strawberry Qwik or Corona come outta those things. Gotta be practical. Then there’s the whole breastfeeding thing later when you have kids.

So, I think we need an ugly gay muslim to weigh in on this. Which liquid would you pick just for fun, and would it be different if it had to last forever?”

If you’re ever going to have kids, you have to pick milk. otherwise your children will die or have low IQs and become Alabama fans. 

If you’re never going to have kids, I would pick sangria. That’s because I think sangria is the most underrated drink in the world. I was at a sports bar recently and ordered eight sangrias at once. Everyone was judging me for it and then they had the sangria and every single person loved it. It’s alcoholic, delicious, and refreshing. 

So sangria’s the choice.  

(Note: Taco Bell recently came out with Mountain Dew flavored sangria which is the Charlotte McKinney of sodas. I would totally have sex with this soda if it were willing to have sex with me, which it wouldn’t be.) 

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The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. You can email your questions, anonymity assured, to clay.travis@gmail.com