Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. You can send your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com, and we’ll feature them here. 

Couple of housekeeping details, Outkick the Show will air every day this week from the Fox lot in LA at 4 eastern. And I’m on FSLive with Nick Wright and Joy Taylor every day this week. That show’s on at 11 eastern. 

With that in mind, it’s mailbag time. (And we’re starting the anonymous mailbag with a Tim Tebow baseball question because, well, that’s all anyone is talking about and because, hello, TIM TEBOW BASEBALL is huge.) 

Here we go:

“With the news breaking this morning that Tim Tebow plans to pursue a career in pro baseball I need you to settle a debate that a friend and I are having this morning. He’s arguing that Tebow could legitimately play in the majors as a September call up, if nothing else. I contend the only way Tebow plays a MLB game is if he performs well at the AA and AAA level and legitimately earns a spot on a 40 man roster and/or 25 man roster. (Note: I would pretty much bet the house that a 29 year old former Heisman Trophy winner won’t do this.) This friend thinks that a losing team could promote Tebow to the majors as a gimmick to fill seats. Under that thinking the White Sox would have promoted Michael Jordan in the early 90s. We all know that Jordan and his career .200 average never sniffed the big leagues and I say Tebow has the same fate. Taking eleven years off from baseball will not result in climbing through the minor leagues and reaching the pinnacle of baseball, but I contend that is the only logical way for Tebow to ever play more big league games than you and I. So, is it realistic that a floundering MLB team promotes Tebow to the majors to put people in seats and get some publicity? I say no way they gave up a 40 man roster spot to someone who isn’t a legitimate prospect. What say you Clay?”

Let me put it to you this way, the Tampa Bay Rays are 45-66 and have the worst record in the American League. Assuming Tebow’s workout is decent — which I would guess it will be — what do they lose by bringing him in as a member of the team when rosters expand to forty players for the last month of the season?

Are you telling me that ten thousand or more people in Florida wouldn’t show up to watch Tebow play a major league baseball game or two? I mean, your team sucks and no one is going to the games now. How does this harm you?

In Sunday’s home game the Rays had just over 12k people. They are averaging 16k fans per game for the season. From a pure business perspective wouldn’t signing Tebow be genius? How many Tebow baseball jerseys would the Rays immediately sell the moment they announced they were signing Tebow? Thousands, maybe even tens of thousands.  

I went to watch Michael Jordan play minor league baseball in Nashville — the most expensive seats were in the right field bleachers so you could be close to him — and I have zero doubt that if Jordan were playing today that a major league baseball team would call him up just for show. It’s much more of an entertainment culture now than it was then. It’s hard to get attention, Tebow to the Rays makes perfect business sense. 

If I owned the Rays and Tebow was decent at his workout, I’d 100% sign him.

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag. 

“Yesterday I was listening to Nashville sports radio, you know the station, and they were giving away tickets to UT-Virginia Tech. I registered for tickets and also called my dad and told him to go and register to better our odds. He’s a lifelong Tennessee fan as well and we enjoy watching the games together as we have for 25+ years. Well, he couldn’t make it by there so he sends my step-mom to throw her name in the hat.

Back story, his wife despises football and calls us ridiculous and stupid for getting that worked up over it every Saturday in the fall. He actually took her to a game in Knoxville a few years back and she hated it. I’m sure you know where this is headed. As the clock strikes 6, they call her name as the winner of the tickets. I am pumped (assuming I’m going). So I call him and we’re in shock, can you believe it, this is awesome, blah blah blah.

So later that night, I’m looking for hotels (I’ll pay for that, he has the tickets) So he calls me and says, well, she wants to go. Bullshit. She hates football and just doesn’t want he and I to go have a good time at this once in a lifetime atmosphere/game (or anytime really). He insists she is excited to go, however I know that’s complete BS. Reverse the roles and he would be going with me, my wife would have no interest and be happy that we won. Anyways, he calls this morning and tells me that they aren’t even regular tickets, they are VIP suite tickets and I lose it.

We get in a heated conversation which ends badly. SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE EVEN REGISTERED HAD I NOT CALLED AND TOLD HIM!! She has no interest in the game, hates football, and didn’t even knew of this game until yesterday around 3 PM!! She doesn’t “want” to go, no way.

I’m a live and let live kind of guy, not a grudge holder in the least. My dad and I are extremely close and I don’t like bitterness, but I’m not gonna lie, I will be pissed and not let this one go for quite some time. I honestly don’t want to speak to him for the foreseeable future, certainly not until after the game. I expect this from her, but I feel like he needs to man up and say I’m taking my son, you know, WHO ACTUALLY LOVES THE GAME! Am I right for being this pissed, or should I take the high road here? She did win them after all. But I think they are both dead wrong for not letting he and I go to this game together.”

Your step-mom is being a total asshole here. She should be the bigger person and allow you and your dad to go to this game together. That would be the logical, non bitchy move. But she isn’t doing that. 

And that’s because, as you’ve probably already realized, this isn’t about the football game. My bet is your step-mom resents, on some level, your dad’s relationship with you and this gives her an opportunity to force him to “choose” you or her. Your dad is being a pretty big pussy here by not calling her out for this move and saying he’s taking you, the actual football fan, and not her to the game. Then again he didn’t win the tickets and he’s probably trying, like all married men, to avoid creating a huge fight with his wife. Even if her behavior is indefensible here.  

I hate to see families lose their minds over dumb issues like this. You have a great relationship with your dad, why allow your step-mom to get what she wants and drive a wedge between you two? So I’ve got a pretty good compromise here: why can’t you buy a ticket to the game and then let them sneak you into the VIP seating area? 

You know how to pull this off, right? It’s not complicated. Your dad gets your step-mom into the box and then leaves her there, takes her ticket back to the common people section, gives you her suite ticket and sneaks you up to the box with him. That way all three of you are there in the VIP box. Right now SeatGeek has UT-Virginia Tech tickets for around $150. That’s not cheap, but it’s not really that expensive either. 

If you think $150 is too much, I GUARANTEE you that the tickets will be much cheaper there on gameday. There’s no way tons of people are showing up in Bristol without tickets on gameday. That’s a long ass trip to potentially not even go into the stadium. Plus, there are somewhere around 150,000 tickets to this game. There will be a vibrant resale market outside the stadium on gameday, trust me. I’d be stunned if you can’t get in for near face value by the time kickoff nears. 

Don’t let your step-mom Cinderella your relationship with your dad.

(Finally, it absolutely stuns me the number of people who will go to a game if the tickets are free — even if it requires a four or five hour drive and a hotel room — but won’t buy the tickets themselves. If you really want to go to the game, is spending $300 on gas and a hotel room — not to mention all the travel hours involved — but saving $100 on a ticket really that logical? People do this for Titans games and I’m blown away. Tickets are $10 if you show up at the stadium and buy them. You won’t pay $10 or $20 to go the game, but if I give you two free tickets, which are worth a combined $20 outside the stadium, you’ll change your plans and go? This seems totally illogical to me. Need more proof that radio giveaways make people crazy? We had a bunch of Athlon preseason magazines a few years ago and my co-host decided to give them away on air. I thought he was crazy. But what happens? Immediate loaded lines with people trying to get $5 magazines for free! You still have to drive to the radio station and spend the time to get there for a magazine that costs $5 at a hundred gas stations you drive by to come to the station. Someone explain this to me. The only logic I have is that “free” things make people go insane.) 

“I am in a wonderful relationship with an intelligent, witty and absolutely beautiful woman with whom I have assuredly outkicked my coverage. We are both in our 30’s and have no major issues between us, we love each other very much, we have a great sex life and all the other things that will lead to a walk down the aisle in the not-too-distant future.

When we first began dating, she inquired as to my “number” – obviously alluding to how many sexual partners I’ve had. I was never a Casanova or anything of that nature – I had fun, but not a lot of sex, so I answered honestly (full disclosure: four). This came as a pleasant surprise to her and as we discussed further, I didn’t ask what her “number” was at that time. When I asked her the next day, she told me that she’d rather not say. Further, she said I’d probably never know and she doesn’t think anyone else knows.

I tried to pry a bit more, but she wouldn’t budge. She says it’s a source of personal shame and she’d rather just go to her grave with it. I know she’s all grown up now, she’s a faithful and devoted woman to me and, in the end, her past and her “number” don’t really matter to me. BUT, my inquiring mind wants to know! I wonder if it really is a “shameful” number, or is she just embarrassed because MY number is so low? I’ve noticed lately that little comments and jokes that she, her family and friends make that allude to her less-than-innocent ways in the past always seem to sting me a bit and I can’t help but wonder – is it 10, 20, 50 or more? I tend to always assume the worst, and lately it’s been bugging me. What say you? Am I justified in wanting to know or pursuing an answer? Or, should I just let this go? She asked my number, I answered truthfully and feel she should reciprocate. It’s certainly not a deal-breaker for me, either way, but I sure would feel better not being left to my own imagination.”

Her number is way more than four. 

So much higher than four that she doesn’t want to tell you. That could be 10 or 15 or it could be 40.  

But the only issue you have to be concerned with is this — is her number going to stay the same for the rest of her life if you guys end up married? If you think it is, then why do you care about anything that came before you? She doesn’t have any kids and she doesn’t have any STDs so her prior sexual history has zero impact on your present life. 

I understand why you care — and it is definitely fair that if you answered honestly she should answer honestly too — but the reason she’s not answering is because she’s afraid you’ll look at her differently if she answers honestly.  

Like the song says, just let it go. (Until she gets really drunk one night and you bring it up again and she lies to you about her real number and says it’s eight.) 

“Clay, my wife is what some refer to as a “mob wife” because we have an agreement in our marriage: as long as she doesn’t learn about my away games, I don’t get anyone pregnant or bring home any diseases she’s OK with me stepping outside the bounds of marital fidelity.

My problem arose when I completely wiped my ipod and bequeathed it to my son forgetting that I had signed into itunes to load Netflix for him. I didn’t realize that once I stayed signed in on that device, it mirrored all my imessages and also displayed all pictures I took because they were uploaded into the icloud. In this case, even a photo that was taken and immediately deleted made it into the cloud and onto the ipod prompting the youngster to ask my wife “Mommy, who is this girl?”

That brings me to my question – rule #1 has been violated. She now knows. It wasn’t intentional, no way I’d have done that on purpose and I’m still kicking myself over it. But what’s an appropriate punishment?”

How many wives do you think give permission to their husbands to sleep with anyone they want as long as they don’t get anyone pregnant and as long as they don’t get any STDs? More importantly, how many husbands having been given that permission, don’t then sleep with other women?

The reason I’m asking these two questions is pretty simple — your wife had to know you were sleeping with other women. All your failure managed is now she knows at least one woman you’re sleeping with. And she didn’t want to know the particulars of your dalliances.

Since you violated the deal, even accidentally, the least you can do is end it with that particular girl. It would probably also prove how much you love your current wife by setting up an out-of-state rule. Your wife doesn’t want to run into your side chick at Publix.  

A larger question you have to ask yourself is this — even if your wife doesn’t care, what will you tell your kids about your side pieces? Because they’re bound to find out when they get older. As smooth as you think you are, they’re definitely better at technology than you are.

They may find it strange that daddy has girlfriends while he’s married to mommy. 

Good luck. 

“I am a recent college graduate and still work a part time job while seeking a “real job.”  I work at a public library in a relatively small, southern town. Since it is a public job I encounter all types of people ranging from little old ladies to hot young moms to people living off of the government. At this library, patrons are allowed to check out 10 DVDs for up to one week at a time. (I don’t know how people could possibly watch that many movies in one week, but it happens all the time probably because it’s free.) Stacks of 10 DVDs are constantly checked out and returned throughout a normal workday.

While scanning the barcodes on a stack of 10 returned DVDs I came across one that was definitely not the property of the public library. It was a porno starring none other than Nikki Benz. On the cover she was sitting spread eagle. I’m immediately shocked but then bust out laughing and show a few co-workers. Then came the hard part: I had to approach the porno returner and give them back their copy of Amazing Racks. I wish you could have seen the look of terror and embarrassment on this dudes face as he took it from my hand and walked out of the library.

So I have a few questions. Should I have had more fun with this by making an announcement asking who the not-so-proud owner was? Should I have just thrown it away or kept it for myself even? And lastly who actually owns DVD copies of porn any more and how could they possibly get in the same stack as your library material?”

The kind of guy who owns DVD porn is definitely the kind of guy renting 10 movies at the library.

As for how you should have behaved: I believe library employees have a kind of Omerta code they must follow — as a library employee you don’t judge or publicize what people read or rent at the library.

You ever notice how many libraries still cover the sides of the books on reserve behind the desk that customers are renting out? It’s a quaint habit these days, but I like it. Back in the day the books you were renting could have been scandalous in small towns. They also could have given a hint as to your own private life. 

Just like the vast majority of you wouldn’t want your Google searches to suddenly go public for all the world to see, I think your library rentals should stay private too.  

So as funny as this had to be for you — and I would have loved it — I think the right play was just to quietly return it to him without making a scene. Either that or, if he’d already left, just kept it or thrown it away. I don’t think I would have called him to let him know you’d found his DVD if he’d already left the library. 

By the way, how much more would you have liked this story if it had been a smoking hot mom you had to give the movie back to? And what if she was doing this because she really liked the young college kid working at the library and wanted you to hit on her? This is like the opening to an actual porn movie.

That film needs to happen.  

“My son and I who both read your mailbag religiously have decided that you are the only one who can settle our dispute. i am probably one of your oldest readers at 67 years old. My son like you is a young lawyer in his thirties. I obviously grew up in the era of air brushed Playboy bunnies. he obviously in the cyber world of porn. When I grew up none of the Playboy girls were 10’s, they all had their flaws.

My son claims to see women every week in his everyday life that he says are 10’s. I think that he has set his standards way too low and what he is calling a 10 is actually an 8,8.5 or 9. It becomes like the NBA dunk contest where way too soon you give someone a 10 and then the next dunk comes along that is better and you’re forced to also give them a 10. I have seen a lot of 9’s, 9.5’s but not a lot of 10’s. I might even give Charlotte McKinney a 9.5 if I saw her in person although in print she is as close to a 10 as I have seen.

I also say that if you rate someone a 10 that means that there are also 1’s and 2’s and the “average” woman would be 5. I don’t believe that there is only one 10 because i do think they come in different shapes and sizes. So am I just a guy looking past the airbrushing of today women or are there a bevy of 10’s roaming the world? Please settle this for us.”

Love the emails from dirty old men. 

I believe if you rate men or women on a scale of one to ten that you have to evenly distribute the entire population along that scale, so that every number is evenly represented. That is, 10% of all humans are 1s and 10% of all humans are 10s. 

I also believe that over time people get better looking so it’s definitely possible that your son sees better looking women now than you did when you were not yet a dirty old man. 

That is, the natural curve of humanity is bending towards better looking people. This makes total sense if you think about it. A ten today is much better looking than a ten would have been in 1610 or 1810 or 1910. 

Helen of Troy, a woman so hot she set off one of the biggest wars in human history, might be a seven if she lived in 2016.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

See you on the Outkick Show today at 4 et and on FSLive tonight at 11 et. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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